Untitled Story... Second Chapter

[grimorian]

It's time to post up chapter 2 for some critiquing. This chapter needs some work, but again it's just the first draft. It continues directly where chapter 1 left off. Chapter 1 can be found a few posts down on this forum (I cannot post links yet)

Untitled Story
Chapter 2

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Her name was Kyren Aelsong. The seventeen year old Daughter of Byron Aelsong, Terrin's resident weapon smith. Lain had talked with her many a times, as Byron's shop was just next door to his own. But tonight, her usually perfectly braided hair was wild and disheveled, and her bed robes were dirtied and torn. Her fearful eyes darted around the inn frantically.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “What is the meaning of this?” A somewhat drunken Byron Aelsong asked, standing up from his table to walk towards his still kneeling daughter. Any explanation that would have come forth was halted by the entering of two men. Both wore pristine, white hooded cloaks, flowing over dull silver armor. Uninspiring by itself, but with it's carefully placed gold inlays, shaped to the mark of the eastern Highlord, the armor was awe—as well as fear—inspiring.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “Daddy!” Kyren yelled, reaching her arm out, pleadingly, towards her father.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “Grab the girl.” Ordered one of the hooded men. The second man made an attempt to grab Kyren by the hair, but a firm hand grabbed his wrist.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “What is this about? What do you want with my daughter?” Byron growled.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “I would suggest you remove your hand.” The hooded man said with a calm, yet stern tone. One which was completely lost on the drunken Byron. Or perhaps he just didn't care. Byron's grip held firm, much to the amusement of the hooded individual. “I'll ask again. Please remove your hand from my arm.”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “Not until you tell me what in the gods name is going on here.” Byron said angrily.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “Enough of this.” The first hooded man says, grabbing Byron by the back of his shirt collar and yanking him backwards, tossing him easily to the floor. “This girl is a Darkling. And by orders of Highlord Barramore, she must be cleansed.”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] Whispers could now be heard throughout the inn. The mutterings of the word 'cleansers' stood out predominantly among other words of pity. The latter of which were mostly directed towards Byron.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] "I knew Madame Salaeria was lying." Byron said gruffly, pulling himself to [/FONT] [FONT=Arial, sans-serif]his feet with the help of a nearby chair. "She said your midnight ramblings werenothing more than sleep talk. But I knew better."[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] Byron made his way towards his daughter, his face now contorted in anger.The two Cleansers gladly stepped out of his way. Being who they were, and their rumored methods of finding out information, they would surely have known what wouldcome from posing the accusation against Kyren in front of her father. Lain wondered if this was all just for the Cleansers amusement. Or perhaps a demonstration that would surely tighten the grip Highlord Barramore already had over the people of Terrin.[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]
More from instinct rather than fear, Lain slunk a little deeper into the [/FONT] [FONT=Arial, sans-serif]shadows that surrounded his table. He knew how this would play out. And there was no need to draw attention to himself prematurely. The fact that Byron had at first stood up to the Cleanser was curious to Lain, but expected in a room filled with half the townspeople. If it was indeed an act, Byron played it to perfection. As most of the audience was captivated by the performance.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] But to those who knew the Aelsong family as well as Lain did, an accusation such as this would be the final straw in the ever strained relationship between Byron and his daughter. Which after the accident that killed Byron's only son, had become almost non existent. Kyren would often make her way over to Lain's shop to get away from her father. And Lain was glad to have the company now and then, as he himself lived alone and didn't mind hearing about Kyren's problems. So it was no surprise when in one swift motion, Byron brought the back of his hand across Kyren's face.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “You whore yourself out to the Dark Gods, and then expect me to help you?” Byron scoffed disgustedly. “I will not have the Aelsong name disgraced by being associated with a Darkling.”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “Daddy please...” Kyren pleaded, but it fell on deaf ears.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “You killed my only son.” Byron's hand was once again quick to lash out and strike Kyren's face. “And now I know the reason why.”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] The crowded inn watched in silence as Byron belittled his daughter in the center of the room. Unfortunately, most of the people in Terrin had the same mindset as Byron Aelsong. Their name was everything. To have ones name tarnished—especially by an accusation such as this—would have been unbearable to live with. And few took pity on Kyren's misfortune.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] Having seen enough, Lain slowly stood up from his table. “Your sons death was an accident.”
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “Stay out of this Lain. It's none of your business.” Byron replied, turning to face Lain.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “I'm sorry old friend, but I cannot sit idly by and watch you berate your daughter for your own ignorance.”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “I see the little Darkling whore has already sunk her claws into you, old friend.” Byron sneered. “Or perhaps, it's the other way around? Perhaps you were the one sinking into her.”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] Lain stared into Byron's eyes, amazed at how quick his friend was to condemn. He had known Byron to be somewhat uncompassionate at times, but this was a side that Lain had never seen before. “So I am a Darkling as well now?”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] A smirk and a shrug of the shoulders was all Lain received as a reply, for Byron quickly turned his attention back to the first Cleanser. “Take her away. I will have nothing to do with her.” There was no remorse on his face, nor any emotion in his voice, as he sat back down at his table and lifted a mug of ale to his lips.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] One of the Cleansers reached down, grabbed onto Kyren's hair, and jerked her up to her feet. A small yelp was all that escaped her lips as she stared towards her father, who was drinking away as if nothing had happened. The rest of the inn slowly started to go back to their conversations.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “Wait.” Lain said, staring at the Cleanser who's hand was wrapped in Kyren's hair.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “What's wrong blacksmith? Looking to join your little whore?” The Cleanser replied with a smirk.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “I'm sorry. What was your name again?” Lain asked politely.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “That's none of your business.”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “That's unfortunate.” Lain reached out and grabbed hold of the small, decorative potted tree next to his table. “It's a shame to die with no name.”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] To those few passing threw adventurers, the crackling sound of magic was unmistakable. To the others, it was a sound they'd most likely never heard before. The small tree quickly withered and died within Lains grasp. It's life force spiraling up and around his arm in a smoky green haze. It continued to dance over his chest and down his other arm, which was now outstretched with fingers pointed straight at Kyren's captor. With A low utterance of words, Lain set forth the green energy from his hand and directed it straight for the Cleansers head.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] The bolt of energy hit with a massive, ear ringing clap. The Cleansers head snapped to the side as he was thrown through the inn's front door and out into the street. Lain immediately collapsed to his hands and knees, gasping for air. Shouts of “Darkling” could be heard from many of the patrons as Kyren ran towards Lain. Kneeling beside him, she tried desperately to help him to his feet.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “So, it seems we have another Darkling in our midsts.” The standing Cleanser said as two more Cleansers stepped through the broken front door. “Take them both.” The first Cleanser ordered. “Lord Barramore will be pleased with this second one.”[/FONT]​

 

[grimorian]

Actually, I posted the first ending instead of the second, here is what the last paragraph should look like... (It won't let me edit my post)


[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]“So, it seems we have another Darkling in our midsts.” The standing Cleanser said as two more Cleansers stepped through the broken front door. “Take the girl.” The first Cleanser ordered. “And kill the other one.”[/FONT]

 

[BookStop]

You've got quite a grammatical and punctuation errors, but since this a rough draft, it's normal. Someone with actual knowledge, like Chris perhaps, can help with those.

As for the story, it's intriguing. the only advice I can offer is for you to expand and paint more of a picture. I am often asked to provide more detail in my own writing, which is pretty much what i'll suggest to you. Oh, and the first paragraph does nothing for the flow; it's a tell in a whole page of show.

 

[grimorian]

Which parts would you suggest providing more details in?

 

[BookStop]

For instance:

“What is the meaning of this?” A somewhat drunken Byron Aelsong asked, standing up from his table to walk towards his still kneeling daughter. Any explanation that would have come forth was halted by the entering of two men. Both wore pristine, white hooded cloaks, flowing over dull silver armor. Uninspiring by itself, but with it's carefully placed gold inlays, shaped to the mark of the eastern Highlord, the armor was awe—as well as fear—inspiring

could be expanded. How do we know Byron is drunk. You've told us, but nothing in his manner would suggest drunkenness. Did he falter when standing? Is his speech slurred? Does he have many empty steins laid out ont he table's surface in front of him? Was there an explanation forthcoming? Did the girl perhaps begin to speak but was interupted by the two men? Perhaps the manner of the Cleanser's arrival could be more detailed as well. Did they burst around a corner, robes flying, or did they step calmly through an open door? I'm not sure why the robes are fear inspiring. Is the contrast of the pristine whiteness against the shocking plainness of the Inn? Is it the reputation behind the robes?

These are all things that I feel the story is deserving of laying out. It's obvious you've got a story worth telling, but if you gave us a visual we could feel, as well as get the facts, it would make for a very good story worth telling.

 

[grimorian]

You are absolutely right. That section does need some flushing out. I'll definitely make that a priority when editing. A lot of your suggestions are spot on.

Thing is, I'm the kind of person who will sit for hours on end working on just 1 paragraph till I feel it's perfect. And if I did that during the initial writing, my story would never get told... LoL. Usually, I write to set up the scenes, then when that section is done (about 4 chapters for Lain, before we switch to another character) i'll go back and really nit pick each paragraph for hours on end, adding in all the little things that will really flush out the scene, while I layout the next few chapters for the next character.

My main reason for posting these first draft's for critique is for punctuation. I'm terrible at it, as you can see. That, and for comments like yours, pointing out which parts people feel really need focus on when I start editing.

So keep the comments coming.

 

[chrispenycate]

[/quote]

It's time to post up chapter 2 for some critiquing. This chapter needs some work, but again it's just the first draft. It continues directly where chapter 1 left off. Chapter 1 can be found a few posts down on this forum (I cannot post links yet)

Untitled Story
Chapter 2

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]Her name was Kyren Aelsong. The seventeen year old Daughter of Byron Aelsong, Terrin's resident weapon smith. Lain had talked with her many a times​

many a time, or many times

, as Byron's shop was just next door to his own. But tonight,

no comma

her usually perfectly braided hair was wild and disheveled, and her bed robes were dirtied and torn. Her fearful eyes darted around the inn frantically.

[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “What is the meaning of this?” A somewhat drunken Byron Aelsong asked, standing up from his table to walk towards his still kneeling daughter. Any explanation that would have come forth was halted by the entering

probably "entry", rather than "entering"

of two men. Both wore pristine, white hooded cloaks, flowing over dull silver armor. Uninspiring by itself, but with it's

carefully placed gold inlays, shaped to the mark of the eastern Highlord, the armor was awe—as well as fear—inspiring.

[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “Daddy!” Kyren yelled, reaching her arm out, pleadingly, towards her father.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “Grab the girl.”

no capital "O", and comma after "girl"

Ordered one of the hooded men. The second man made an attempt to grab Kyren by the hair, but a firm hand grabbed his wrist.

[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “What is this about? What do you want with my daughter?” Byron growled.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “I would suggest you remove your hand.” The hooded man said with a calm, yet stern tone. One which was completely lost on the drunken Byron. Or perhaps he just didn't care. Byron's grip held firm, much to the amusement of the hooded individual. “I'll ask again. Please remove your hand from my arm.”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “Not until you tell me what in the gods name is going on here.” Byron said

comma

angrily.

[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “Enough of this.” The first hooded man says

why present tense just here?

, grabbing Byron by the back of his shirt collar and yanking him backwards, tossing him easily to the floor. “This girl is a Darkling. And by orders of Highlord Barramore, she must be

cleansed.”

[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] Whispers could now be heard throughout the inn. The mutterings of the word 'cleansers' stood out predominantly among other words of pity. The latter of which were mostly directed towards Byron.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] "I knew Madame Salaeria was lying." Byron said gruffly, pulling himself to his feet with the help of a nearby chair. "She said your midnight ramblings were

space

nothing more than sleep talk. But I knew better."

[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] Byron made his way towards his daughter, his face now contorted in anger.The two Cleansers gladly stepped out of his way. Being who they were, and their rumored methods of finding out information, they would surely have known what would

space

come from posing the accusation against Kyren in front of her father. Lain wondered if this was all just for the Cleansers

Cleansers'

amusement. Or perhaps a demonstration that would surely

"perhaps" and "surely" in one phrase is questionable

tighten the grip Highlord Barramore already had over the people of Terrin.

[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif]
More from instinct rather than fear, Lain slunk a little deeper into the shadows that surrounded his table. He knew how this would play out. And there was no need to draw attention to himself prematurely. The fact that Byron had at first stood up to the Cleanser was curious to Lain, but expected in a room filled with half the townspeople. If it was indeed an act, Byron played it to perfection. As most of the audience was captivated by the performance.
[/FONT]
But to those who knew the Aelsong family as well as Lain did, an accusation such as this would be the final straw in the ever strained relationship between Byron and his daughter. Which

comma

after the accident that

had

killed Byron's only son, had become almost non existent. Kyren would often make her way over to Lain's shop to get away from her father. And Lain was glad to have the company now and then, as he himself lived alone and didn't mind hearing about Kyren's problems. So it was no surprise when in one swift motion, Byron brought the back of his hand across Kyren's face.

[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “You whore yourself out to the Dark Gods, and then expect me to help you?” Byron scoffed disgustedly. “I will not have the Aelsong name disgraced by being associated with a Darkling.”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “Daddy please...” Kyren pleaded, but it fell on deaf ears.
[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “You killed my only son.” Byron's hand was once again quick to lash out and strike Kyren's face. “And now I know the reason why.”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] The crowded inn watched in silence as Byron belittled his daughter in the center of the room. Unfortunately, most of the people in Terrin had the same mindset as Byron Aelsong. Their name was everything. To have ones

one's

name tarnished—especially by an accusation such as this—would have been unbearable to live with. And few took pity on Kyren's misfortune.

[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] Having seen enough, Lain slowly stood up from his table. “Your sons

son's

death was an accident.”

[/FONT]
[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “Stay out of this Lain. It's none of your business.” Byron replied, turning to face Lain.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “I'm sorry old friend, but I cannot sit idly by and watch you berate your daughter for your own ignorance.”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “I see the little Darkling whore has already sunk her claws into you, old friend.” Byron sneered. “Or perhaps, it's the other way around? Perhaps you were the one sinking into her.”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] Lain stared into Byron's eyes, amazed at how quick his friend was to condemn. He had known Byron to be somewhat uncompassionate at times, but this was a side that Lain had never seen before. “So I am a Darkling as well now?”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] A smirk and a shrug of the shoulders was all Lain received as a reply, for Byron quickly turned his attention back to the first Cleanser. “Take her away. I will have nothing to do with her.” There was no remorse on his face, nor any emotion in his voice, as he sat back down at his table and lifted a mug of ale to his lips.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] One of the Cleansers reached down, grabbed onto Kyren's hair, and jerked her up to her feet. A small yelp was all that escaped her lips as she stared towards her father, who was drinking away as if nothing had happened. The rest of the inn slowly started to go back to their conversations.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “Wait.” Lain said, staring at the Cleanser who's hand was wrapped in Kyren's hair.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “What's wrong

comma

blacksmith? Looking to join your little whore?” The Cleanser replied with a smirk.

[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “I'm sorry. What was your name again?” Lain asked politely.[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “That's none of your business.”[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] “That's unfortunate.” Lain reached out and grabbed hold of the small, decorative potted tree next to his table. “It's a shame to die with no name.”[/FONT]

To those few passing threw

that's "through", but wouldn't "those few adventurers passing though" sound better?

adventurers, the crackling sound of magic was unmistakable. To the others, it was a sound they'd most likely never heard before. The small tree quickly withered and died within Lains

Lain's

grasp. It's

Comma rather than full stop, and its

life force spiraling up and around his arm in a smoky green haze. It continued to dance over his chest and down his other arm, which was now outstretched with fingers pointed straight at Kyren's captor. With A

no capital "A" (now, had you capitalised "utterance" or "words", I wouldn't have said anything)

low utterance of words, Lain set

sent?

forth the green energy from his hand and directed it straight for the Cleansers

Cleanser's

head.

[/FONT]

[FONT=Arial, sans-serif] The bolt of energy hit with a massive, ear ringing clap. The Cleansers

Cleanser's

head snapped to the side as he was thrown through the inn's front door and out into the street. Lain immediately collapsed to his hands and knees, gasping for air. Shouts of “Darkling” could be heard from many of the patrons as Kyren ran towards Lain. Kneeling beside him, she tried desperately to help him to his feet.

[/FONT]

“So, it seems we have another Darkling in our midsts.” The standing Cleanser said

comma

as two more Cleansers stepped through the broken front door. “Take them both.”

comma after "both", and no capital "T"

The first Cleanser ordered. “Lord Barramore will be pleased with this second one.”

[/FONT]

Not that many problems with punctuation, really. A few apostrophes, a comma or two; seen worse (done worse, for that matter)

 

[Boneman]

Grim, more good stuff. I've got the dreaded xmas flu, but will have a good look at this later, when I've finished xmas shopping [You're going out and spreading the germs around???? What kind of sadist are you??? The type who wants to give it back to whomever gave it to him in the first place....... Actually I'll be begloved, bescarfed, and not breathe on a soul....]

 

[grimorian]

Added a little bit to this chapter while I was working on the next chapter of Lain's story...



Chapter 2

Lain immediatly recognized the girl as Kyren Aelsong. The seventeen year old Daughter of Byron Aelsong, Terrin's resident weapon smith. Lain had talked with her many a time, as Byron's shop was just next door to his own. But tonight her usually perfectly braided hair was wild and disheveled, and her bed robes dirtied and torn. Her fearful eyes darted around the inn frantically.

"What is the meaning of this?" A somewhat drunken Byron Aelsong asked, knocking over the row of empty flaggons in front of him as he got to his feet. Stumbling slightly, he made his way over towards his still kneeling daughter. She stammered a bit trying to bring forth an explanation, but the sudden entry of two men halted any further attempt on her part. Kicking open the front doors with blatant disreguard for anything but themselves, the two heavily armed men stared around the room before focusing their gaze on Kyren. Both men wore pristine, white hooded cloaks, flowing over dull silver armor. Uninspiring by itself, but with it's carefully placed gold inlays, shaped to the mark of the eastern highlord Mordrin Barramore, the armor was awe—as well as fear—inspiring.

"Daddy!" Kyren yelled, reaching her arm out, pleadingly, towards her father.

"Grab the girl," ordered one of the hooded men. The second man made an attempt to grab Kyren by the hair, but a firm hand grabbed his wrist.

"What is this about? What do you want with my daughter?" Byron growled.

"I would suggest you remove your hand." The hooded man said with a calm, yet stern tone. One which was completely lost on the drunken Byron. Or perhaps he just didn't care. Byron's grip held firm, much to the amusement of the hooded individual. "I'll ask again. Please remove your hand from my arm."

"Not until you tell me what in the gods name is going on here," Byron said angrily.

"Enough of this." The first hooded man said, grabbing Byron by the back of his shirt collar and yanking him backwards, tossing him easily to the floor. "This girl is a Darkling. And by orders of Highlord Barramore, she must be cleansed."

Whispers could now be heard throughout the inn. The mutterings of the word 'cleansers' stood out predominantly among other words of pity. The latter of which were mostly directed towards Byron.

"I knew Madame Salaeria was lying." Byron said gruffly, pulling himself to his feet with the help of a nearby chair. "She said your midnight ramblings were nothing more than sleep talk. But I knew better."

Byron made his way towards his daughter, his face now contorted in anger. The two Cleansers gladly stepped out of his way. Being who they were, and their rumored methods of finding out information, they would surely have known what would come from posing the accusation against Kyren in front of her father. Lain wondered if this was all just for the Cleansers' amusement. Or perhaps a demonstration that would tighten the grip Highlord Barramore already had over the people of Terrin.

More from instinct rather than fear, Lain slunk a little deeper into the shadows that surrounded his table. He knew how this would play out. And there was no need to draw attention to himself prematurely. The fact that Byron had at first stood up to the Cleanser was curious to Lain, but expected in a room filled with half the townspeople. If it was indeed an act, Byron played it to perfection. As most of the audience was captivated by the performance.

But to those who knew the Aelsong family as well as Lain did, an accusation such as this would be the final straw in the ever strained relationship between Byron and his daughter. Which, after the accident that had killed Byron's only son, had become almost non existent. Kyren would often make her way over to Lain's shop to get away from her father. And Lain was glad to have the company now and then, as he himself lived alone and didn't mind hearing about Kyren's problems. So it was no surprise when in one swift motion, Byron brought the back of his hand across Kyren's face.

"You whore yourself out to the Dark Gods, and then expect me to help you?" Byron scoffed disgustedly. "I will not have the Aelsong name disgraced by being associated with a Darkling."

"Daddy please..." Kyren pleaded, but it fell on deaf ears.

"You killed my only son." Byron's hand was once again quick to lash out and strike Kyren's face. "And now I know the reason why."

The crowded inn watched in silence as Byron belittled his daughter in the center of the room. Unfortunately, most of the people in Terrin had the same mindset as Byron Aelsong. Their name was everything. To have one's name tarnished—especially by an accusation such as this—would have been unbearable to live with. And few took pity on Kyren's misfortune.

Having seen enough, Lain slowly stood up from his table. "Your son's death was an accident."

"Stay out of this Lain. It's none of your business." Byron replied, turning to face Lain.

"I'm sorry old friend, but I cannot sit idly by and watch you berate your daughter for something that came about by your own ignorance."

"I see the little Darkling whore has already sunk her claws into you, old friend." Byron sneered. "Or perhaps, it's the other way around? Perhaps you were the one sinking into her."

Lain stared into Byron's eyes, amazed at how quick his friend was to condemn. He had known Byron to be somewhat uncompassionate at times, but this was a side that Lain had never seen before. "So I am a Darkling as well now?"

A smirk and a shrug of the shoulders was all Lain received as a reply, for Byron quickly turned his attention back to the first Cleanser. "Take her away. I will have nothing to do with her." There was no remorse on his face, nor any emotion in his voice, as he sat back down at his table and lifted a mug of ale to his lips.

One of the Cleansers reached down, grabbed onto Kyren's hair, and jerked her up to her feet. A small yelp was all that escaped her lips as she stared towards her father, who was drinking away as if nothing had happened. The rest of the inn slowly started to go back to their conversations.

"Wait." Lain said, staring at the Cleanser who's hand was wrapped in Kyren's hair.

"What's wrong, blacksmith? Looking to join your little whore?" The Cleanser replied with a smirk.

"I'm sorry. What was your name again?" Lain asked politely.

"That's none of your business."

"That's unfortunate." Lain reached out and grabbed hold of the small, decorative potted tree next to his table. Though this was not the way he had hoped this situation would end, there seemed no other choice but to condemn himself and take action. "It's a shame to die with no name."

To those few adventurers passing through, the crackling sound of magic was unmistakable. To the others, it was a sound they'd most likely never heard before. The small tree quickly withered and died within Lain's grasp, It's life force spiraling up and around his arm in a smoky green haze. It continued to dance over his chest and down his other arm, which was now outstretched with fingers pointed straight at Kyren's captor. With a low utterance of words, Lain sent forth the green energy from his hand and directed it straight for the Cleanser's head.

The bolt of energy hit with a massive, ear ringing clap. The Cleanser's head snapped to the side as he was thrown through the inn's front door and out into the street. Lain immediately collapsed to his hands and knees, gasping for air. Shouts of "Darkling" could be heard from many of the patrons as Kyren ran towards Lain. Kneeling beside him, she tried desperately to help him to his feet.

"So, it seems we have another Darkling in our midsts." The standing Cleanser said, as two more Cleansers stepped through the broken front door. "Take the girl," the first Cleanser ordered, "and kill the second one."

'This was the end', Lain thought, as the thudding footsteps grew ever closer. The sound of a blade being removed from it's sheath drowned out Kyren's cries for help. And Lain knew that the next sound he would hear, would be that of steel meeting flesh. There was nothing he could do. The blast he used on the Cleanser took every last bit of energy he had reserved in his body. "Run..." He managed to say between gasps. "Leave me..."

"No! I can't! Come on Lain, you have to get up!" Kyren said panicked as the two Cleansers stared down at them with smug little smiles. Pulling on Lain's arm, Kyren tried her best to help, but she was far from strong enough to get Lain to his feet by herself.

"Any last words Darkling?" One of the Cleansers said, kicking Lain in the side, which knocked out what little bit of air Lain had managed to recover. The only thing Lain coul do in response, was spit on the cleansers boot. "Damn. And here I was hoping for something cleaver." Lain looked up to see the Cleanser raise the blade over his head. Closing his eyes, Lain prepared for the final blow. But what should have been the sound of steel meeting flesh, instead became steel meeting steel.