Question on sentence structure

[MistingWolf]

In a situation where a character begins to speak, then pauses, and then continues, how should that be set up? Right now, it's looking like this:

Chapter 23



Iris could feel the throbbing of Najeia’s blood diminishing even as they pushed the horses to their limits. Riding up beside Keiro, she yelled over the wind.

“We’re not going to catch up! His ship is too fast!”

She wasn’t sure if he replied, since his helmet muffled his voice, the wind not helping either. He turned to look at her, then paused, as if waiting for an answer. Abruptly, he halted his horse and threw his helmet away with frustration. Iris stopped hers more gently, turning back around.

“I said, then we must wait until we come across...” He trailed off, looking around, and Iris did so as well. They hadn’t noticed how the forest had become abruptly spaced. Looking in one direction, there seemed to be a wide trail. Tree trunks seemed to be worn away on the edges of the path, the ground smooth and devoid of living foliage, although dead plant matter was crushed into the earth. “...a clearing.” Keiro finished at last. “Sahzamikie!” Keiro yelled, almost desperately. Iris turned to look at Fray, who seemed on edge.

I kept Keiro's call to Sahz. in the same paragraph because no one else has spoken.

 

[Pyan]

Well, in my opinion, there's nothing wrong with the way you've done the pause, inserted the description, and resumed the sentence.
I would take issue, though, with the surrounding sentences.

In the one before, I think that the spacing and punctuation have taken the spoken words too far from the speaker: I'd prefer:

Iris could feel the throbbing of Najeia’s blood diminishing even as they pushed the horses to their limits. Riding up beside Keiro, she yelled over the wind: “We’re not going to catch up! His ship is too fast!”

At the end of the bit you were worried about, you have a really jarring juxtaposition from Keiro:

“I said, then we must wait until we come across...” He trailed off, looking around, and Iris did so as well. They hadn’t noticed how the forest had become abruptly spaced. Looking in one direction, there seemed to be a wide trail. Tree trunks seemed to be worn away on the edges of the path, the ground smooth and devoid of living foliage, although dead plant matter was crushed into the earth. “...a clearing.” Keiro finished at last. “Sahzamikie!” Keiro yelled, almost desperately.

Now to me, it read as if Keiro suddenly realised that he was actually already in a clearing, and hadn't noticed. The words “...a clearing.” sound to me as if they were spoken in a normal voice, with a downward, puzzled inflection.
But the very next sentence, along with an unnecessary repetition of his name, you have him yelling, almost desperately, from a standing start, as it were.

As I said, however, what you've done with the pause and insertion is fine.
Try not to do it too often, or put in too much between the bits of sentence, though!

 

[Boneman]

And yet, I like the separation of dialogue from the action. Pyan said (in a critique) that he finds it

by Pyan

rather difficult to read, almost entirely because of the short, staccato sentences.

and has to keep dragging back to the left for the start of the next sentence, but for some reason, I prefer it. I find it distracting to have too many chunks of dialogue in descriptive text, so your opening:

Iris could feel the throbbing of Najeia’s blood diminishing even as they pushed the horses to their limits. Riding up beside Keiro, she yelled over the wind.

“We’re not going to catch up! His ship is too fast!”

sits well with me, but I can see that it could have been placed easily in the first paragraph. I have no idea what publishers prefer, this is just a personal preference. I'm gonna have a look at my favourite books and see which way it's done. Is there an industry preference? I'd hate to be sending my work out my way, if it's annoying to publishers, so I'd better find out........

 

[ctg]

Pyan way is preferred way. There's nothing worse from my point of view then one doing a mistake like that as it breaks the flow. But then again, the last word is in editors mouth. They will decide if it's all right or not.

 

[HareBrain]

I'm with Pyan generally, though I'm not too bothered whether the first line of dialogue is kept separate or added onto the end of the previous paragraph.

But here:

“I said, then we must wait until we come across...” He trailed off, looking around, and Iris did so as well. They hadn’t noticed how the forest had become abruptly spaced. Looking in one direction, there seemed to be a wide trail. Tree trunks seemed to be worn away on the edges of the path, the ground smooth and devoid of living foliage, although dead plant matter was crushed into the earth. “...a clearing.” Keiro finished at last. “Sahzamikie!” Keiro yelled, almost desperately. Iris turned to look at Fray, who seemed on edge.

I really don't think that "... a clearing" should be presented as though it were the end of the sentence he started with, since so much has passed in between.

And even though no one else has spoken in between, his shout should start a new paragraph - granted a change in paragraph does usually imply a new person speaking, but there are ways round this, and at the moment Pyan is right, it's far too jarring. Also, you say he's "finished at last" but he obviously hasn't, as the next word is him shouting something else!

 

[Ursa major]

If this was part of a book I was reading, I don't anything you (MistingWolf) wrote would particularly bother me. But since you asked:

The sentence I'm having trouble with is

Keiro finished at last.

Either it should be:

His words died on the wind.

but possibly less clichéd ))

or that paragraph should read something along the lines of this (i.e. turned into three paragraphs):

“I said, then we must wait until we come across...” He trailed off, looking around, and Iris did so as well. They hadn’t noticed how the forest had become abruptly spaced. Looking in one direction, there seemed to be a wide trail. Tree trunks seemed to be worn away on the edges of the path, the ground smooth and devoid of living foliage, although dead plant matter was crushed into the earth. “...a clearing—”

Keiro looked as if he had just woken up. “Sahzamikie!” he yelled, almost in desperation.

Iris turned to look at Fray, who seemed on edge.

 

[The Judge]

I agree that the way you've got dialogue, pause, looking around, and resumption of dialogue is a good way to handle the situation. What I'm not sure about, though, is why you did it in this context.

Just as Pyan noted, to me it reads as if Keiro is puzzled that they have actually reached a clearing without realising it. If that is the case, then fine, but I think I'd emphasise it by allowing his voice to trail off again or even adding a question mark (though that might be a touch heavy). If that isn't the point you are making - if for instance the dead plants etc indicate some catastrophe which causes him to be concerned for this Sahz. - then although in a film this bit of dialogue might work, since you would hear his voice trailing off into '... a clearing...' while simultaneously seeing the devastation, I think that in writing, because the two things are consecutive not concurrent, it doesn't feel right. But then, no one else has noticed this, so perhaps it's just me!

NB: I agree with everyone about making two separate paragraphs out of the last two sentences.

J

 

[MistingWolf]

Yes, it is because they've reached a clearing without noticing. That's why I wrote it the way I did. Before this chapter, they've just gotten out of a rather large battle and are intent on chasing after Taos's new airship. They're following Sahzamikie, which is flying in the air and leading them to the ship. It's when Keiro stops that he notices he's in a clearing, which a wonderful creature called a ghan has made, and they are not nice critters. I'll do some reworking with this and do a repost, and I'll ask to see if it's better. Again, thank you all!