Gingerbread

[chrispenycate]

Gingerbread.​

"You're weird, you know that?" It was the one with the gun who spoke, though the smaller one with the improvised blade was possibly more dangerous.

"That's as maybe. But I'm not opening the till. And if you murder someone, it won't be like your earlier convictions."

Behind them the door gave a cheerful tinkle as it closed, not quite hiding the "whoomph" of solid construction.

"You're not from round here, are you? Joyriders from the city, so sure that it works the same here as there, never asking why the local kids leave a string of small shops alone and shoplift the supermarket. No graffiti, no soiled pavements or cracked panes."

"Cahadly toffs. Will be long gone 'fore plice get 'ere." The small one's first comment said she was female, ten percent uncertainty, where her body had given no clue. The fear in her voice tasted good, but was also what made her unpredictable.

"Look, Granny, we only need a few quid, just to fill the tank. Doen want to hafta hirtya."

Her boyfriend wasn't used to people ignoring his weapon, and looking at him instead. "Ent on no drugs, or nuffink."

"I don't want anyone hurt either, which is why that door behind you is locked, and signals 'closed'. If you want to leave now I'll just let you out, no hard feelings, but I'd hate for a mother or child to come in and startle you right now."

There was a moment while the female checked, and found the door an immovable part of the structure, then adrenaline flooded the room as if the fire brigade had it in their hoses.

"Crysakes J.L., the ol' bich's trapt us." A twang of hysteria; perhaps a touch of claustrophobia or a previous jail sentence. "Bet she's pushed the button for the rozzers."

"Easy Maggie." Her companion's voice was still level, but a semitone higher than before. "Roz got nuffink 'gainst us, 'cept the car, when they find it, an' this shoot. I'll tellum she addit beyind the counta 'n threat'nd us. Aftrall, that's how I got it." The odour of his fear mingled with hers, and the trademark spicy baked products.

"Why dun't you just step out an' join us this side of the counter?"

"I don't step anywhere, and this place is organised so I can just get to my baking oven and out to put the products on the shelves in my wheelchair. If I join you…" Wheeling round the end of the counter "it takes up most of the space in the shop."

"Johnny" squealed 'Maggie', looking at the price card on one of the pain d'épices "have you seen what this place is called? 'The Gingerbread House'. She's a witch."

"And there is still time to go back through the woods. I hope you left a trail of pebbles leading home."

* * *

"No, officer, I don't know what made him empty the complete magazine of an automatic pistol into a bulletproof-glass door. Neither would I have expected both of them to be hit by ricochets, even less that they would be wounded badly enough to die from it. I rang both you and the hospital as fast as I could get back behind the counter, but I didn't dare get out of my chair to give first aid; these were violent characters, and I wasn't sure they weren't faking. I'm sorry about that now, but remember why I'm in this chair."

 

[BookStop]

Heh, heh. Very cute, Chris.

 

[Nik]

Ouch...

Roald Dahl would have been proud.

 

[Boneman]

cannot resist the chance to nitpick a nitpicker, especially one as good as you, Chris! It's extremely hard to find anything wrong, dammit, but here's some (contentious) nitpicks

It was the one with the gun who spoke

The gun spoke? 'Who' and 'that' are always picked up by my grammar thingy if I have it on American speak in word.....

though the smaller one with the improvised blade was possibly more dangerous.

Oh, the smaller gun with an improvised blade......

"Cahadly toffs. Will be long gone 'fore plice get 'ere." The small one's first comment said she was female, ten percent uncertainty, where her body had given no clue. The fear in her voice tasted good, but was also what made her unpredictable

I'm assuming 'cahadly' is a slang form of 'cowardly'? Trouble is, it sounds quite posh..... and I can see it's a problem getting a diminutive form of the word. 'ca'dly'? 'Cahdly'? Your problem, my nitpick. ignore as nec.

The 'ten percent uncertainty' is a little odd, and I think it reads better without it.

I can't read the last sentence without thinking of Ernie Wise, and the plays what he wrote. Although it's grammatically correct would:The fear in her voice tasted good, but it made her unpredictable work better?

Her boyfriend wasn't used to people ignoring his weapon, and looking at him instead

Instead of what? was my first reaction. I think we look at the weapon first and then into the face of the person holding it, don't we? You're trying to get over the fact that the woman behind the counter is totally unfazed and doing it from a very stange pov: is it the boyfriend, or is it the girlfriend telling us that boyfriend wasn't used to it? (Wait until Harebrain see it!!) Possibly: He wasn't used to people ignoring his weapon, and looking him steadily in the eye. ?

"I don't want anyone hurt either, which is why that door behind you is locked, and signals 'closed'.

How did they get in, then? Must be a swiss word -'signals'. 'says would be better, especially since they're pretty thick, these two.

then adrenaline flooded the room as if the fire brigade had it in their hoses.

If it's in their hoses, it ain't in the room, is it?(You can tell I'm struggling to nitpick, but you do deserve the best [worst?] I can give, after all the work you put in on others'...)

A twang of hysteria; perhaps a touch of claustrophobia or a previous jail sentence.

I love that sentence......

I'll tellum she addit beyind the counta 'n threat'nd us

'freat'nd? They don't speak the the's, do they?

so I can just get to my baking oven and out to put the products on the shelves in my wheelchair

To my baking oven and out? I see what yer saying, and it's a long sentence, but maybe it would be less confusing if it were: so I can just get to my baking oven and to the shelves in my wheelchair.?

"Johnny" squealed 'Maggie'

You don't need the italics around Maggie's name, unless you're trying to tell us something...... ie that really that's a nom de plume, or sunninck.
Great take on the story Chris, well done!!

 

[Boneman]

Quote:
"I don't want anyone hurt either, which is why that door behind you is locked, and signals 'closed'.
How did they get in, then? Must be a swiss word -'signals'. 'says' would be better, especially since they're pretty thick, these two.

Oh, silly me, she locked it, once they came in...... But the 'signals' bit still stands

and one last suggestion:

I'm sorry about that now, but remember why I'm in this chair."

? add: in the first place......

 

[The Judge]

Loved the premise and most of the execution. I wasn't sure about the storekeeper's voice - it seemed to switch between being a little old-fashioned and more modern. It didn't jar, but I found it odd. Thinking about it, the thieves' language too seemed to waver. It's as if your natural instinct is to write 1950s dialogue but you've made a conscious effort to up-date it, yet you haven't been thorough enough ('rozzers' has surely not been heard on any street since PC Dixon was killed by Dirk Bogarde).

Just got a few points.

'That's as maybe...' As may be (two words).

'... shoplift the supermarket.' Shoplift from the supermarket?

'... 'cept the car, when they find it, an' this shoot.' When they find it? Why would he say that? And 'shooter' rather than 'shoot' perhaps (though again, not sure how up-to-date that is as street language).

'I'll tellum she addit beyind the counta...' Not even a crook as stupid as this one would think the cops would fall for that, surely?

'The odour of his fear mingled with hers, and the trademark spicy baked products.' I think it needs another 'with' to link the two parts of the sentence - and the odour isn't mingling with the gingerbread, but with the smell of it. Are the gingerbreads actually trademarked - or do you mean they are specialities of hers? And 'spicy baked products' is too knowing, too much an authorial intervention to feel right.

'Why dun't you just step out...' I know why you want 'step', so the shopkeeper can reiterate the word - but the only person I can hear using that phrase is a cop eg 'Just step out of the car ma'am'. (Not to be confused with stepping outside as in 'Why don't you step outside and repeat this critique?')

'... this side of the counter...' Counta, if he's keeping up the poor English.

'... looking at the price card on one of the pain d'épices... 'The Gingerbread House'. She's a witch.' I can just about believe the crook can read. I might even stretch to believing that in the middle of her panic she is going to read a card rather than use her eyes to see the place is full of gingerbread. But I'm struggling to comprehend why she goes from a clever name for a shop to 'witch' all in one go - even if she does know the story (and I'm not so sure she would, at that). If they couldn't see her before, and all of a sudden there's the hooked nose, pointy chin, hairy moles and tall black hat - fair enough. But the woman's in a wheelchair, not on a broomstick.

Despite all my nit picks, I did enjoy this right up until the end para - and that seemed all wrong. It wasn't authentic dialogue, it didn't seem natural, and the events it describes seem wholly unbelievable. Besides which - she's a witch - why aren't the crooks where all bad children should be? "No, officer, I don't know what happened to them. I was very afraid when they showed the gun and I hid behind the counter with my eyes closed. Are you sure the cameras outside don't show them leaving again? Would you excuse me for a minute, though? I just have to see to my ovens. I've got something special baking...''

J

 

[chrispenycate]

Thanks. I haven't been in contact with the streets for – somewhat more than half a lifetime, and my memory is probably letting me down as much as the language has mutated, anyway. I was just having fun trying to get the phonetics right. Despite everyone here being in agreement that writing accents is a bad idea. And apparently I can't.

They aren't really criminals, you know. Not in the sense of being professional. Despite committing crimes, they're just kids. And we don't know she's a witch, quite, though we suspect strongly.

Don't kids in the poorer quarters learn fairy tales any more? When I did playgrounds, and modified the tales (as is my wont) I was regularly corrected, even from the sort of families that didn't waste any time reading, and not just Walt Disneys. I came to believe it was either an oral tradition, or Jungian collective subconscious. Even the recently arrived Jamaican families knew that "Who's been sleeping in my porridge" involved the third one being 'just right', and not rejected for shortage of golden syrup. I doubt whether Maggie would have known that the suffix "el" was a diminutive, and that Gretel was Margaret, but she was feeling out of her natural environment, and looking for a reason for her nervousness, and the archetype of 'witch' gave her an excuse.

And yes, "trademark" isn't the right word. Perhaps "signature"?

Oh, and I was proving to myself that I could write something short, and not get requested to extend it.

 

[The Judge]

Oh, and I was proving to myself that I could write something short, and not get requested to extend it.

I don't think I've read anything else of yours - but if people are falling over themselves to ask you to extend your work, you should be flattered, no? Surely it means they want to hear more from you - which is a good thing!

I'm flabbergasted you think Maggie and JL aren't criminals really, despite their having a gun and another weapon and being prepared to use both. Just as well you're not sitting on any benches hereabouts. Mind you, having them kill themselves in a hail of ricochets is hardly a soft sentencing option I suppose!

I don't know if fairy tales are still common currency in the playgrounds - not unless they've been bowdlerised by Disney first. Certainly there was an aspect of oral tradition back in the 50s and 60s, but as well there was a relative lack of other books for children. And I think the West Indian families who came over here at the time were themselves steeped in story-telling traditions as well as being fairly well-read. Nowadays there are so many books out there that even if parents choose to read to their children - and the numbers are dropping I'm afraid, particularly in the sink estates these two beauties probably hailed from - they have so much more to choose from, that the older tales are getting left behind. And I read just the other week that stories like Hansel and Gretel are being deliberately ignored by middle class parents because they are seen to be too upsetting for their precious infants!

Sorry - in danger of getting carried away with the rant there.

Anyway, yes you can write short, and accents - so if that's what you were trying to prove - you succeeded!

J