A quick and slightly dirty ...

[ctg]

I got in trouble and I cannot figure my way out of it, other then re-writing the whole sentence. Here's the small excerpt.

“Yeah,” Es raised his eyebrow. “In here they get shot.”

“That reminds me,” Barrett said. “You want ammo that pistol you took Dee?”

“What pistol?” He tried to lie the fact that when Barrett had turned his back and went to warm up the engines he’d cracked the code in the trunk and snatched a piece that’d pleased his eye.

“That one,” Barrett pointed at the slight bulge in line of his trousers. “Just get it out and don’t try to hide it.”

How do you guys would do that last sentence? I only get dirty thoughts.

 

[Moonbat]

Hi Ctg,

I read it fine the first time, and then read your comment and saw the double entrendre, maybe you can use that to your advantage, have Dee say something along the lines of 'what? you want me to show you my concealed weapon?'

I had more problems with your dialogue earlier on

“You want ammo that pistol you took Dee?”

should that be, 'ammo with that pistol'

 

[ctg]

You are right, but there was also another problem with the lie word, which I changed to hide word. But I guess my biggest problem is that I don't want humour to hide the serious tone in the piece, although it probably the best when it's used in there. That's what we do in real life when we're caught with our hand in the cookie jar.

 

[Boneman]

The last sentence:

"The one you've tucked in your waistband. Pointless trying to hide it, show me."

or:


"That one." Barrett pointed at the misshapen cloth on his hip. "Just get it out, and stop trying to hide it."

 

[Pyan]

Why have it in his trousers?

“That one,” Barrett pointed at the slight bulge in Dee's jacket. “Just get it out and don’t try to hide it.”

 

[Precision Grace]

Gnh.
quote:
“Yeah,” Es raised his eyebrow. “In here they get shot.”

“That reminds me,” Barrett said. “You want ammo with that pistol you took Dee?”

“What pistol?” He tried to cover up the fact that when Barrett had turned his back and went to warm up the engines he’d cracked the code in the trunk and snatched a piece that’d pleased his eye.

“That one,” Barrett pointed at the gun shaped/angular/unnatural/ bulge/projection in line of Dee's trousers. “Just get it out and don’t try to hide it.”

 

[Toby Frost]

I'm with Pyan. The gun-in-trousers inevitably nods to the "Is that a gun in your pocket or are you just pleased to see me?" line, whether intentional or not. I don't think it's viable.

Two suggestions: hide the gun in a jacket (surely easier) or put it in the back of the waistband. As Dee turns away, Barrett can mention the gun as a "one last thing before you go" line.

 

[ctg]

They are all so good suggestions, thank you. I think I go with the Pyan one. But if you still have other ones then keep them coming.

 

[dustinzgirl]

Off topic a bit, this kid I knew in high school and his little gaggle of friends thought they were hot shoot, and he put a gun in his pants to 'rob' a church (or so he said) and shot his leg, burning and scarring his boy parts.

 

[HareBrain]

Darwinism in action!

 

[Boneman]

Harebrain, what are you doing here?? Go back to your room, and get on with your work!!!!

 

[Jimmy Magnusson]

I got in trouble and I cannot figure my way out of it, other then re-writing the whole sentence. Here's the small excerpt.

How do you guys would do that last sentence? I only get dirty thoughts.

Made me chuckle though.

 

[Stephen Aryan]

quote:
“Yeah,” Es raised his eyebrow. “In here they get shot.”

“That reminds me,” Barrett said. “You want ammo with that pistol you took, Dee?”

“What pistol?” said Dee trying to cover up that when Barrett had gone to warm up the engines, he’d cracked the code in the trunk and snatched a piece that’d pleased his eye.

“That one,” said Barrett pointing at the angular bulge in Dee's jacket. “Don’t try to hide it.”

Maybe something like this? I've tightened up the line about Barrett, taken out that his back was turned, and gone with angular bulge in the jacket. I've also cut the last part of the dialogue as it could be either or, but probably not both. He could say "Just get it out" or "Don't try to hide it". Both seems unusual.

 

[mygoditsraining]

We don't need to know that he was trying to cover up. You're showing it, so why feel the need to tell it, too?

“What pistol?” said Dee trying to cover up that when Barrett had gone to warm up the engines, he’d cracked the code in the trunk and snatched a piece that’d pleased his eye.

compare with

“What pistol?” said Dee. When Barrett had gone to warm up the engines, he had cracked the code on the trunk and snatched the first piece he took a fancy to.

 

[ctg]

mgir, I simply don't see the difference.

 

[crystal haven]

This would be my suggestion.

“Yeah,” Es raised his eyebrow. “In here they get shot.”

“That reminds me,” Barrett said. “You want ammo with that pistol you took, Dee?”

“What pistol?” he answered, keeping his voice level. Instinctively he pulled his coat further across his hip. He’d been sure he’d got away with it; when Barrett had turned his back and gone to warm up the engines, he’d cracked the code in the trunk and snatched a piece that’d pleased his eye.

“That one. “ Barrett pointed an accusing finger. “The gun you’re trying to hide under your jacket.”

 

[Precision Grace]

mgir, I simply don't see the difference.

One is quality writing and one is mediocre writing. Sry ktxbai

 

[ctg]

PG, the fact is that he added there words and started playing with them. To me, the whole para doesn't need a said indicator, but I do admit that cover up can be cut out. BUT IF I LEAVE IT IN, the narrative comes from Tom (Dee is a nickname that Barrett uses in dialogue), not from some omniscient narrative head.

 

[Precision Grace]

PG, the fact is that he added there words and started playing with them. To me, the whole para doesn't need a said indicator, but I do admit that cover up can be cut out. BUT IF I LEAVE IT IN, the narrative comes from Tom (Dee is a nickname that Barrett uses in dialogue), not from some omniscient narrative head.

Admittedly, I am nursing a terrible ahem headache, but I cant see this change in source of narrative you speak of. They are both from omniscient /something POV, aren't they? (someone who knows about this stuff will be along shortly to put us straight)

 

[ctg]

No they are not. The fact that I have foreshadowed his wishes to have a gun, dramatised the moment when he didn't get one and then followed it in this narrative, should tell the reader the whole story from close perspective.

If I would have used omniscient in full, I could have as well showed how Barrett did saw him taking the gun. Or then again, I could had cut away the whole narrative and just go on with dialogue/action. It would have meant that things appear magically, without any sort of reason behind them.

To me that would have been very mediocre.