The Arch-Mage stared out over the town spread before him. The order of it all pleased him; each street ran in perfect lines from the base of the tower where he stood to the outer wall; over a mile away. The tower in which he stood was over a mile high and he stood in the highest room, but the tower was easily dwarfed by the slab of rock that stood behind it at four times the height of the room in which he stood. The sun rose over the fields that lay to three sides of the city. A grimace passed over his usually unmoving features as his thoughts strayed to the day ahead.
Repetitious, use of 'the tower where he stood' and 'the tower in which he stood'. Even worse you have four 'stood' in one sentence, and it runs out of meaning... I can't stand it........
Why were his features usually unmoving?Does he have Parkinson's disease? How do we know they are usually unmoving? Is it relevant? Nope. it's the narrator overdoing it. Rein him in a bit, and the story will flow much easier....
Slowly his hands started to run up his robes; stopping when they reached the stitched symbol on the lapels.
Not sure about the semi-colon, or the change of tenses. Perhaps: Slowly his hands started to run up his robes. They stopped when they reached the stitched symbol on the lapels. ?
It showed a dark circle with a bright white sword thrust through it; his face returned to supreme stillness as he contemplated the sign.
Again not sure about the semi-colon....I think a full stop (period) is better, but I really don't like 'supreme' stillness. Narrator again.
It was the symbol of the Paladins. They were the defence of humans against the dark, who were the white sword defending against the dark world.
Now I am confused.... it looks as though the Paladins are the defence against the dark, but then says that the dark were the white sword against the dark world. Probably better if: It was the symbol of the Paladins. They were humankind's defence against the dark: the white sword defending against the dark world.
There's a repetition of 'dark' there, I'll leave you and luke skywalker to find an alternative.
He dropped his hands away from his robes in disgust with himself. How dare he show such a weakness, letting himself show his nervousness in his actions?
Who exactly is he asking this question to? I realise it's his thoughts spilling over, but you then go immediately back to your narrator to continue the story. Wouldn't it be better to let us make our minds up, by showing us, rather than telling us? ie: He sighed and dropped his hands away from his robe. That's it, nothing more... then move on to your next sentence.
He returned his gaze to the outer lands; the flat fields outside his city; it was his city no matter what anyone said.
That's two semi-colons I'm not sure about, and his thoughts have come back in again. That's three changes in pov in two sentences, wait till ctg sees it.......
He flashed his eyes over the thousands of armed soldiers that trained on those fields, Calvary, infantry and battle mages all pushing themselves to their limits readying themselves for their next challenge.
A moment ago he was gazing, why are his eyes flashing now? Oh, and Calvary was where Christ was crucified, Cavalry are those guys on horses. Why the change in tenses again? 'Flashed' 'trained' and then 'pushing' and 'readying' You need to stick to one...
A light knock roused him from his thoughts and he turned to his ornate office before speaking in his gravelly voice, “…Enter”.
Changing tenses again.... and trying to tell us he's got an ornate office and a gravelly voice. Gravelly? Is that in the English language? Ah, this is fantasy, you made it up!
Three people strode in the room, each wearing robes as stark as those the Arch-Mage himself wore, his deep black was contrasted the bright white, of the new peoples. Each of the new entrants bowed to him in turn and waited for him to speak.
"contrasted by' I think you'll find. And they've turned from 'people' into 'new peoples' Unless they're the band, I think that's probably incorrect. Try this: Three people strode into the room. The robes they wore were brilliant white, a stark contrast to his own. As one, they bowed and waited.
Just a thought, but it does read better....
The Arch-Mage greeted each. “General, Healer, Scholar.” Each nodded as they heard their own title, and solemnly lifted back their hoods. Between the four of them they made up the ruling Council of the Paladins.
Do you know Allan Ahlberg's 'Each peach pear plum book? That's what sprang to mind here with the repetition of 'each'. And you're telling again. I think you could do this: The Arch mage greeted them. And leave it at that, allowing the narrator to fill us in with the descriptions.
The General was a big man, at least seven foot tall with strength radiating from him. However time had placed a burden upon his once proud shoulders, wrinkles lined his face and his eyes showed the many years of hard fighting he had endured. He shook his head lightly in a way of an old lion, and looked at the Arch-Mage, “Terrible way to start a day” he said gruffly.
Hmm, I don't recal seeing Lions shaking their heads lightly in a way that springs to mind. And isn't he already looking at the Archmage? Surely the last line should be: He shook his head lightly. “Terrible way to start a day,” he said gruffly.
The Healer looked up at his words, her long black hair falling down over her shoulders and spilling out her robes, like a dark shadow falling on untouched white snow. that spread out across the peaks of the distant mountains that gleamed in the morning sun, a purity that sparkled with a tall shadow of a peak running through it.........?
C,mon these guys are equals aren't they? She wouldn't be looking down, and the description of her hair belongs in a romantic novel, not a fantasy/SciFi book. So it could just be:
The healer shook her head sadly. She was a.....what? Gorgeous, sexy, old, young, wizened, wise? You described the General, what have you got against women?
Then:
The last of them spoke. He was an elderly man etc. “We should go; this needs to be done…” The Scholar's face looked drawn.
I hope you're seeing what I'm getting at? Less is more, let's have some mystery, let's wonder what they're up to, we know it's going to end in tears, but at least we're more likely to be intruiged....
The other members of the council said not a word as they looked at him and slowly turned to Arch-Mage. He nodded sharply and strided to the door pushing it open on well oiled hinges and pacing though, closely followed by the rest of the Council. They moved though the tower as if every single step was forced upon them, every person they met bowing deeply to them and moving swiftly aside noting the expressions they shared, all but Arch-Mage whose face was completely blank.
Now we're drowning in unnecessary information, and kid, let me tell you, there ain't no such word as 'strided'. And you keep mixing tenses all over the place.... Try this: The Arch-Mage nodded and strode to the door, followed by the others. As they made their way through the Tower, people stepped swiftly aside.
The rest is irrelevant, and adds little to the story.
They reached an elaborate set of double wooden doors and slowly the Arch-Mage waved his hand in front of them. They swung open slowly and without creaking. The council filed in and filled the seats around the circumference of the room. The doors eased closed after them
Ditto. Repeating 'slowly' and why would he wave his hand slowly? Aren't these guys purposeful, striding to destiny?
They made their way to the council chambers and took their seats. The prisoner in chains raised his head and looked at each of them in turn, then climbed painfully to his feet. He stood proudly, waiting.
And that's the whole of the next paragraph dealt with. It's enough to know he's in chains, and he's gonna get it, we don't need all the florid descriptions that just distract us from the action. You've got a thing about hair haven't you?
Moments later the four turned to watch the doors opening again. A figure was dragged in by two burly guards who deposited their burden in the centre of the room before leaving. The man they left was gaunt, his clothes in shreds, and chains holding his wrists and legs together. But he managed to look more regal and stately than the entire council. The light in his eyes showed defiance and internal strength shone though his outwardly wasted appearance, giving him the look of a proud warrior surrounded by men he commanded, not a prisoner in chains. The man on the ground rose to his feet, his chains clanking with each movement. His light hair fell lankly in front of his eyes and he moved his head smoothly to shift it. He clasped his hands together and started to study each member of the council before stopping and staring at the Arch-Mage deeply.
Honest, try it: your paragraph against mine, see what it looks like and then show both to a friend and ask whcih one they prefer. No cheating and telling them which is yours and which is mine.....
Each person around the room visibly shifted in their seats as his gaze fell on them their eyes unable to hold his. Slowly the Arch-mage rose to speak, his words leaving his mouth with a bitter sneer. “Damien Wolfsbane, last defender of Falco, first sword of the council of Paladins, high captain of the western armies, you are hereby charged with the gravest crime any man on this world can commit, CONSORTING WITH DEMONS!” the Arch-Mages Voice had rose until the last past of his speech had left his mouth as a roar.
Now I'm sorry, but you don't get to be Arch-mage on a whim! You start out as an apprentice mage, you spend years and years studying all the arcane law before they even let you out to work supervised, and then you continue to study the higher laws and work your way up the MUCK (Mages United for Country and King) council, until you have earned the respect of all your peers, and they elect you Arch-Mage. So guess what? You don't lose your temper the first time you speak!! You knew what's coming you probably did it loads of times before, this bit is a complete nonsense. I figure you're trying to show that Damien is a cool piece and it rankles them, but this just doesn't work, doesn't work at all.
I'm kinda assuming that he's been accused falsely (or not) but that he'll return someday, but the top men, the council of Paladins are acting like spoiled brats. So, let's put the power where it should belong:
The Arch-mage rose to his feet and stared at the prisoner. “Damien Wolfsbane, last defender of Falco, first sword of the council of Paladins, high captain of the western armies, you are hereby charged with the gravest crime any man on this world can commit, consorting with demons.”
Damien stared back at the Arch-mage. There was a moment's silence and the Arch-mage continued.
“No man may become, or try to become, immortal. You knew this and yet you went against our laws trying to bargain with demons to achieve your aims in the path.”
“I banish you from all civilised land. This city, The Sacred Hold, is closed to you for ever more. To return is to die.”
Damien stared directly at his Judge. “I shall return, Father and when I do, it will be to cut your blind head from your shoulders.”
The General leapt to his feet, and thrust out his hand. " You are banished!" he roared. Incandescent light flooded the room blinding them all. As their sight returned, all that was left were the chains that had bound the prisoner.
And that's it, none of the other stuff. Whatjer reckon? I am confused whether the bright light was done by the general and Damien was hurled into exile (ie they expected it) or whether it was a complete surprise to them, a result of damien's dealings with demons. You gave me no clue in your story as to which it was...... I've left the other stuff in, below this lot so you can see how much unnecessary(okay, in my opinion) wordage you have. Good luck with the story, I'll look out for what you think....
Damien seemed to consider the Arch-Mage, speaking not a word but allowing a knowing smile to spread across his face as the words flowed over him. He seemed to be drinking in every word that was said and his eyes changed to show he hated the taste of each and every one of them. Yet he still did not speak, he just continued his inspection of the Arch-Mage
Again the Arch-Mage secretly berated himself over his loss of control, and started to speak, forcing his voice back to its normal pitch and tone. “No man may become, or try to become, immortal. You knew this and yet you went against our laws trying to bargain with demons to achieve your aims in the path.”
He didn’t even think before his next words passed over his lips, his eyes held no remorse or mercy for the man that stood before him. “I banish you from all civilised land, this city, The Sacred Hold, is closed to you for ever more. To return is to die.”
Damien looked up at his judge and slowly opened his mouth, but delayed before speaking as if weighing each word, “Father…Father, I shall return, and when I do, it will be to cut your blind head from your shoulders.” He pronounced this with out ever changing his expression from a knowing smile.
The General almost leapt to his feet, all traces of an old lion now replaced by that of a young panther in the height of its charge. He raised his hand in a clawed thrusting motion towards Damien while solemnly proclaiming “You are banished!” A light flooded the courtroom making it brighter than any midsummer’s day. The council, who had all been rising from their seats, fell back, blinded and clawing at their own eyes. Slowly the light faded and it revealed Damien was gone; and all that was left was the chains he had been held with.
