Show vs. tell revision exercise part 2

[Michael01]

Okay, same as before. I rewrote the following paragraph with more descriptive language. This is not a flashback; it happens in real-time as Linda watches. I think I misunderstood Judge's question before. If he referred to this paragraph, then I'm sorry; the other part was a flashback but this one isn't. You'll probably notice that I drew on HareBrain's and Daisybee's suggestions for the revision.

Which version works better, and do you notice anything in the better version that can still be improved?


First version:

At that moment, Linda noticed a young man as he passed in the next hall. The way he moved made it seem that nothing was worthy of his observation; yet, his presence commanded attention—even in the mob that surrounded him. Linda found it nearly impossible to divert her eyes. He was not very tall, but his motion was elegant and his muscles defined beneath the white short-sleeve shirt.


Second version:

At that moment, Linda noticed a young man as he passed in the next hall. He stared ahead and wove through the crowded hall without a glance toward the other students, as if they were meaningless to him; and yet, he moved with an easy stride that turned the heads of several girls. Linda tried to tear her eyes away and only found herself admiring his lean physique more.

 

[ctg]

Michael, I know how difficult this can be, because I have been through it as well. But what you really need to understand is that when you're 'showing', you do it through the character head. On the other hand, when you're doing 'telling, you do it via narrator. So in this case, I would love you to write third version and this time solely through Linda's head. Try to do it by using her words, as you would hear her narrating it. Therefore, as Linda is watching this young fellow passing by, you do it through her eyes and involve there her thoughts. Can you do that?

 

[Michael01]

Try to do it by using her words, as you would hear her narrating it. Therefore, as Linda is watching this young fellow passing by, you do it through her eyes and involve there her thoughts. Can you do that?

Thank you for the input, Ctg.

Still, I'm confused. Don't both of these versions already do this? "The way he moved made it seem..." should convey that this is how it seems to Linda, shouldn't it? And "Linda found it..." Doesn't that also place it in her thoughts, expressing her impression of what she sees?

Even in the second version, "as if they were meaningless to him" would be Linda's interpretation, right? And, of course, "Linda tried to tear her eyes away and only found herself admiring his lean physique more." This is all Linda, isn't it?

I don't understand how I could do this any better without actually switching to first-person view. Could you please explain what I'm missing here?

 

[chopper]

not that i'm an expert on show vs tell, but the first version involves linda in observing the man much more than the second does. this is more a case study of POV, i think. as ctg says, you could get deeper into linda's observations and thoughts.

 

[HareBrain]

Chopper is right, this is as much about POV as show-v-tell. Usually you get more showing with third-person intimate, which gets right into a character's head (whilst still being third-person) but you can also get more detatched narratives that show rather than tell. Where it definitely doesn't work is third-person intimate with a lot of telling.

Getting on to your actual paragraphs:

First version:

At that moment, Linda noticed a young man as he passed in the next hall. The way he moved made it seem that nothing was worthy of his observation; yet, his presence commanded attention—even in the mob that surrounded him. Linda found it nearly impossible to divert her eyes. He was not very tall, but his motion was elegant and his muscles defined beneath the white short-sleeve shirt.

"The way he moved" is rather vague - what is it about his movement that would lead her to that impression? Presumably something about the way he holds his head, since she thinks he's not bothering to observe anything. Or is that what she thinks? We're not really told - "made it seem that nothing was worthy of his observation" is rather detached, rather "cool", it doesn't get across her state of mind or emotion or the impact of seeing such an arresting creature. Although you say you've tried to tell us her thoughts, you've given us a detached narrator's interpretation of her thoughts. Both this lack of detail in the movement, and the detachment of the narrator, still makes this more telling than showing, in my view.

At that moment, Linda noticed a young man as he passed in the next hall. He stared ahead and wove through the crowded hall without a glance toward the other students, as if they were meaningless to him; and yet, he moved with an easy stride that turned the heads of several girls. Linda tried to tear her eyes away and only found herself admiring his lean physique more.

The start of this is definitely better, you're showing us the way he moves rather than giving us an assessment of its meaning. A slight criticism is that Linda shows no strong reaction until after he's been described. Some hint of instant reaction might be good. I'm not sure the "and yet" works in this version, since the turning the girls' heads etc isn't a strong contradiction with him not noticing the other students.

I'm also still not convinced about her trying and failing to tear her eyes away. By what process does she "try"? It's actually physically very easy for most people to turn their heads. So what's stopping her? Her mind. And why is it stopping her? Because it doesn't want to look away. So how is she "trying"? Where is the effort coming from? It might be that she feels guilty for watching, or that she ought not to be for some other reason, but that's not the same thing as trying to look away.

Hope that helps a bit.

 

[crystal haven]

I like the second version more than the first.

I've written a little bit. If you want to get more inside her head, this is perhaps one way you could get Linda's feelings across.



Linda glanced up at the clock on the wall. Well, she thought, I suppose I better get moving or I’ll be late again. She collected her books from the chair beside her and began to walk across the room. Her pace slowed, her attention caught by a young man passing through the next hall.

She came to a halt and watched him – couldn’t help but watch him. He stared straight ahead, without a glance at the other students as he made his way through the crowd. She tried to tear her eyes away - for why should she be interested in him? She knew why, as did several other girls whose heads had turned in his direction; she could not help but admire his lean physique. Linda swallowed, and held her books a little bit tighter. She didn’t even know him. Did she want to know get to know him? That thought made her feel very strange inside. Stop it, Linda, she told herself. You have a class to go to. Her eyes followed him out of sight, and she took a breath. She had been holding her breath.

 

[Moss]

Still, I'm confused. Don't both of these versions already do this? "The way he moved made it seem..." should convey that this is how it seems to Linda, shouldn't it? And "Linda found it..." Doesn't that also place it in her thoughts, expressing her impression of what she sees?

Even in the second version, "as if they were meaningless to him" would be Linda's interpretation, right? And, of course, "Linda tried to tear her eyes away and only found herself admiring his lean physique more." This is all Linda, isn't it?

I don't understand how I could do this any better without actually switching to first-person view. Could you please explain what I'm missing here?

Perhaps not technically well explained, but does this help?
You, as writer/director have chosen a single point of view where you reveal your world to the readers through the senses of Linda. You follow/move her around and see and hear what she sees and hears. Having made this choice, you can now chose the level of intimacy (think of a slider control with impersonal reporting an one end, and stream of consciousness at the other) with which you report Linda's observations. Here, you have chosen a light touch where you tell us how Linda feels, without relating her internal dialogue. This is a nice choice, easy to read. The important thing is to be totally consistent throughout about the level at which you "hear" Linda. Having positioned the slider, leave it there.

If you wanted to dial up the intimacy of Linda's viewpoint a little, the slight alteration after the semi-colon is a little closer to Linda's internal dialogue, rather than a report of her thoughts. Only an illustration of my point, not a suggested alteration.

At that moment, Linda noticed a young man as he passed in the next hall. He stared ahead and wove through the crowded hall without a glance toward the other students; they could have been meaningless to him. And yet he moved with an easy stride that turned the heads of several girls. Linda tried to tear her eyes away and only found herself admiring his lean physique more.

 

[ctg]

Michael, listen to them because they are absolutely right. If you want to 'tell' to the people that Linda is fancying this young fellow, then you really have to involve her into the narrative. You need to make us believe that Linda isn't just casually looking this 'boy toy' striding past, because at the moment it reads like she does that. So, if you involve us with her thoughts, her feelings and her 'knickers getting soaked' then you have done showing rather then telling. Does that explain it?

 

[HareBrain]

The important thing is to be totally consistent throughout about the level at which you "hear" Linda. Having positioned the slider, leave it there.

Consistent within the scene, yes (which is probably what Moss means) but I'd say it's perfectly valid, even sometimes necessary, to move the slider around a bit during the novel (slider is a nice metaphor btw).

 

[Michael01]

So, if you involve us with her thoughts, her feelings and her 'knickers getting soaked' then you have done showing rather then telling. Does that explain it?

Yes, I believe I understand a bit better now. But just to be sure:

We're speaking of the level of intimacy of the character's thoughts, as opposed to a more detached narrative that merely relays an idea of what the character might be thinking. "The way he moved..." would be at one end, while (as I have later in this chapter) "I'm still doing it, she thought, biting her lip, which didn't stop her from looking" would be at the other end. Am I on the right track?

Some of this could be resolved within the context, but I'm actually thinking a little more tweaking is in order before I try posting the chapter (which I am thinking about now). Since it's the first chapter, I understand how important it is to get the reader involved right away, and I've had the most difficulty getting this chapter into shape. I already posted it here once, several years ago, and got some advice then, but nothing related to this issue.

Moss: So you think the second version could still work with only a slight alteration? Is that what you meant?

HareBrain: I see what you mean about the "trying" now. As far we can tell by reading this sentence, there is no physical effort involved. What about mental effort, though (which I would need to clarify, of course)? It may be easy to turn her head, but then she might still feel compelled to look again ... like the exercise of trying not to imagine pink elephants. Does this make sense?

Of course, I suppose I could go another route, which is more accurate in the context: something external is acting on her mind, preventing her from looking away. The problem with that is she doesn't know it. She thinks it's all herself, so that would be difficult.

This was all very helpful. Everyone's comment's really clarified what Ctg was trying to say, and I appreciate it very much. Still, I do hope this will be the last time I work on this book...

 

[crystal haven]

Of course, I suppose I could go another route, which is more accurate in the context: something external is acting on her mind, preventing her from looking away. The problem with that is she doesn't know it. She thinks it's all herself, so that would be difficult.

Have you considered writing it as above, so the reader also thinks Linda is doing this herself? It can be a discovery for the reader along with the character to find out later there are external forces.

I am only mentioning this so you can see options. I know it is your story and you must decide which is right for you.

I'm sure you will get other suggestions from people with a lot more knowledge than I have.

 

[Michael01]

Have you considered writing it as above, so the reader also thinks Linda is doing this herself? It can be a discovery for the reader along with the character to find out later there are external forces.

Yes, and that's actually how I wrote it. I will probably keep it that way. I was just sort of musing over alternatives.

Thanks again!

 

[crystal haven]

I'm glad you've found musing over alternatives helped. All the best with your story.

I'm getting back to mine now.

 

[Moss]

We're speaking of the level of intimacy of the character's thoughts, as opposed to a more detached narrative that merely relays an idea of what the character might be thinking. "The way he moved..." would be at one end, while (as I have later in this chapter) "I'm still doing it, she thought, biting her lip, which didn't stop her from looking" would be at the other end. Am I on the right track?

Moss: So you think the second version could still work with only a slight alteration? Is that what you meant?

I think either version works without alteration. A few paragraphs will soon let us know how intimately we will access Linda's thoughts. One way to improve the chances of readers identifying with a character is to let us "hear" that character, but the extent to which you do that sets the whole tone of the story and is an important choice for you. I suspect you are looking for a light touch stream of consciousness effect. Try a few pages of an Elmore Leonard thriller - he manages this style brilliantly.

 

[Michael01]

Ah, okay. Thank you, Moss. I see. Sometimes I get the impression I may be overthinking this stuff, but I suppose it's good exercise anyway.

On second thought, I will not post the whole chapter because it's entirely too long (4500 words), but I might still add a snippet. It's hard to work with this kind of first chapter where there are only a few hints of the conflict and not much of a hook, so some input might help. I have the "hook" in the prologue, and these days it seems that some readers skip prologues - which makes absolutely no sense to me.

 

[HareBrain]

It's hard to work with this kind of first chapter where there are only a few hints of the conflict and not much of a hook, so some input might help. I have the "hook" in the prologue, and these days it seems that some readers skip prologues - which makes absolutely no sense to me.

I don't know if it's true that some readers skip prologues, or if they do, why; but chapter1 should have its own hook, especially if it doesn't follow straight on from the prologue (presumably it doesn't, otherwise the prologue would be ch1). I've read several stories where the prologue had an intriguing hook but I put the story down at ch1 because it didn't live up to the promise of the prologue, and I began to think the prologue had been stuck in there to make up for a weak chapter1 (and for all I knew, a weak chapter2, 3, 4 ...)

 

[Michael01]

Yes, I can see that. Which is exactly why I thought some input might help. But I hope the chapter is no longer weak after all the revisions it's been through.

 

[The Judge]

I don't know how relevant this is now, since you seem to be sorting out your problems over the specific paragraph you've written, but I thought the following might help in the show v tell issue as a whole.

Truscott was a foul-mouthed sexist buffoon and Claire felt nothing but contempt for him. This is all telling. If there is a tell-show scale, this is right at one end.

'I feel nothing but contempt for that man, Truscott,' Claire confessed. 'He is a foul-mouthed, sexist buffoon.' This is still telling, even though it is being said by Claire, because we are being told (a) what she thinks and (b) what we should be thinking about him. On the tell-show scale, it is a little along from the first option, because it is being given through Claire's voice and if nothing else it shows something about her (ie that she is the kind of woman who forms judgements of this kind and uses this sort of language).

'I tell you what, lass. That girl over there is a right cracker.' Truscott pointed out one of the visiting dignitaries. 'Reckon I could get into her knickers? Or d'you think she's one of those f***ing lezzies?'
Claire stared at him for a moment before turning away without replying.
This is all showing: we are not told what to think about either of them, nor what Claire is thinking, we are being shown what is happening and we have to draw our own conclusions from it. On the tell-show scale, this is right at the opposite end from the first option.

Of course there is a problem with the third option. There is a risk that your readers might not realise what Claire is thinking when she turns away. (Even worse, some might not understand that Truscott is a foul-mouthed buffoon - they might see him as a straight-talking figure who has a good head on his shoulders .) One way to avoid that is to use a few judicious adjectives or adverbs - Claire could stare at him in disbelief or disgust or contempt; or she could turn away with a look of scorn in her eyes; or make a mental note to lodge an official complaint about him. But as soon as you start doing this, you are sliding back along the tell-show scale - how far you slide depends on how much detail of that kind you put in.

The other point is that option 1 is over and done with in 15 words; option 3 is a para of nearly 50.

As you've already seen, it becomes harder to show when there is no possibility of the protagonists talking for themselves and we have to be told what they are doing. But as a general rule, I'd have thought the more words you use of a descriptive nature, the more telling it is, because again we are being told what to think about what is happening. But sometimes it is necessary to have those descriptors, so that we can see the scene as you intend it.

When I first read your original posting I was tempted to say that you shouldn't get too worried about the show-tell problem, and rather than analysing each paragraph as you wrote it, you should just write. Then, by co-incidence the next day I was re-reading a chapter I had written back in late October in which there was a para that I had never been happy with but I wasn't sure why. Then it hit me! And now instead of a tell para of about 100 words, I have two further show scenes of nearly 800 - 90% of which is dialogue! So - I have to thank you for posting this thread!

J

 

[Michael01]

When I first read your original posting I was tempted to say that you shouldn't get too worried about the show-tell problem, and rather than analysing each paragraph as you wrote it, you should just write. Then, by co-incidence the next day I was re-reading a chapter I had written back in late October in which there was a para that I had never been happy with but I wasn't sure why. Then it hit me! And now instead of a tell para of about 100 words, I have two further show scenes of nearly 800 - 90% of which is dialogue! So - I have to thank you for posting this thread!

J

You're welcome! And ... I have to thank you for that detailed explanation. It does put things in perspective.