Reflections

[Michael01]

I seem to have a low batting average so far with Estranged Earth, so I thought I'd try something different. The following future fantasy, Reflections, will also be chapter one for the revision of the very first manuscript I ever wrote. At the time, and this was well before the Matrix trilogy, I called the story The Protectors of the Matrix. You can see I'm racking my brain for a new title now.

I wanted Heaven's Gate, but found references to movies and a cult with that name when Googling. Oh, well. I'll come up with something.

Also, I was kind of hoping this story could stand alone as a short. I've tried that before, with another story, but people kept saying, "It looks like the first chapter of a novel."

Anyway, we all know by now that I have serious problems with telling and with infodumps. So I want to ask you to point them out for me if you see them, and anything else you see that could use work. When you catch the dumps and telling (because they're sure to be there), let me know if you think they could stay or if I should consider revision.

Finally, I'm dividing it into two posts, because it's over 4k. That way you can take a break.


REFLECTIONS

Sombr, Prince of the Apostolic Kingdom on the planet Illusio, bent forward with arms pressed into his burning abdomen, which nearly caused him to gag. Queen Ereflur latched onto his arm to steady him as lines of tension creased her forehead.

"Sombr?" said his sister. "Are you all right? Is it withdrawal?"

Four guards in palace livery—blue with gold trim, the left breast sporting a silver cross over a golden star—whose presence was more formality than necessity—provided an armed escort for the royal siblings. Two of them trotted to Sombr’s side and offered assistance. He sent them away by stretching one arm palm out and shaking his head in slow motion.

Then he turned to Ereflur, suppressing nausea by force of will, and tried to smile. "Yes, but I’ll be fine. I can stay a while longer. It’s only what I deserve, anyway."

He wished he could enjoy their walk in the palace gardens more. The pebbles of the pseudo-cobblestone path winding through the maze crunched beneath their feet, and the hedges were chest-high with dark green leaves dripping dew that glistened in the sunlight. The maze always had been Sombr’s favorite place on the grounds.

Ereflur frowned and brushed his elbow with her fingers. "You didn’t know. How could you? So why do feel responsible?"

"Because I am responsible, Ereflur." A phoenix statue stood in the center of the square they’d entered before his symptoms flared. He leaned on a wing for support and concentrated on breathing. "How would you feel if you convinced hundreds of people to live on an outpost they can never leave without dying? Hallucien is a death trap, and I led them there. Knowing I can leave, even for a short time, is worse. I know they love me anyway, but I’ll never understand why."

If I weren’t so obsessed with the Matrix System, they’d be here with their families—where they belong.

The physical pain faded and Sombr pushed off the statue. Emotional anguish boiled in his chest like a reservoir of water and threatened to burst. With considerable effort, Sombr concentrated a flow of psychic energy around his heart, and managed to subdue the surge.

They continued their walk, entering into the next path. The center wasn’t far now.

Despite the consequences, he wondered how anyone could not be obsessed with the universe’s point of origin. How could anyone not be haunted by the oddities of both worlds orbiting the Matrix?

Still, he had learned something momentous from his research. Sombr had communed with the core of Hallucien, which turned out to be a living entity. He wanted to reveal this secret to Ereflur but he hesitated, unsure how to broach the subject.

"What a beautiful day," said Ereflur.

Beautiful indeed. The anomalous twin suns of the Matrix System, which also orbited the invisible point between the two worlds, shined their brilliant splendor on the surface of Illusio—highlighting the hedges and dispersing shadows as if they did not exist.

There were too many mysteries here, Sombr reflected, too many puzzles to solve. The Matrix was not a black hole, yet it held two stars and two planets in its wake—without crushing them! Then there was the maze, and all the structures built here for that matter, including the palace—constant reminders of Illusio’s unique disposition. No one had determined what substance comprised the surface of the strange world, only that it was somehow malleable. Every house, every statue, everything that was not imported from Terra had been molded like clay by artists and artisans with exquisite detail. Only on very close inspection could anyone tell the hedge was not a real plant.

And Hallucien! Sombr could not begin to count the quirks on that world.

Ereflur gestured for her escort to wait when they arrived in the center of the maze. She adjusted her dress to sit on one of four pseudo-marble benches, which surrounded a statue of their father, Kurin Eranahei, then patted the place beside her.

"Please sit, Sombr," she said. "You look pale."

Sombr smiled again to reassure his sister and sat on the bench.

Ereflur sighed. "It will be time for the evening service soon. The people will expect to see their Queen, and they miss their Prince. Uncle Vendrehain would be disappointed if he doesn’t see you today. Only, I know how hard it is for you."

She meant the separation sickness of course, but Sombr could not help thinking of Vendrehain’s well meaning—if annoying—attempts to steer his nephew back to the church. As a scientist, Sombr did not share his family’s religious convictions. "The Children of God’s Love" was a very peculiar sect, and not just by Sombr’s standards. Many Terrans openly scorned them, which had played a large part in the Children’s decision to leave the home world.

Sombr turned to his sister to explain his discovery when they were interrupted. A man in a starship uniform—black light weight armor, covered with a blue tunic that displayed the Kingdom’s banner—rushed into the center and sank to one knee before Ereflur.

"Your Majesty," he said, sounding short of breath. "The starship’s monitors have detected a large fleet entering the Matrix System. Lord Vendrehain’s attempts to communicate have failed."

The Kingdom possessed only one armed starship. God help us if we ever need to defend ourselves, Sombr thought, despite his agnosticism. He hoped they wouldn’t need to mount a defense now.

Ereflur’s eyes grew wide with alarm. "A fleet? It couldn’t be from Terra, could it? Surely they have no reason—"

The air above the grounds rippled like the surface of a pond and flashed with green light. Then a large black object materialized high over the palace, large enough to blot out the sunlight. Sombr tried to determine its configuration but failed to recognize it. It was long, roughly cylindrical, and covered with random green and brown ... "growths" was the only word he could summon to describe them. The surface, or what he could see of it, was porous and slimy, like the skin of a massive beast.

Both Ereflur and Sombr shot to their feet.

"What ... what is that thing?" said the Queen, her voice trembling.

"Whatever it is, it isn’t Terran." Sombr kept his voice as even as possible, despite the cold tendrils curled around his heart. He had little time to wonder how it could just appear like that before more of them began to dot the sky, enshrouding their world in darkness.

In darkness. Illusio!

Large bulbous growths on the undersides of the ships began to glow—bathing the landscape in what Sombr suspected was bioluminescence. As sure as he was that Hallucien lived, he believed the invaders had a significantly, if not completely, biological technology. Those ships were alive, and something dark and malevolent occupied them; Sombr could feel it, like a vibration in the ground before an earthquake.

And he had no doubt they were invaders. Why else would an entire fleet appear over their heads with no announcement, no warning?

Aliens, he thought, straining to prevent his body from quaking.

Humans had colonized over thirty star systems since the discovery of Eldritch Mechanics, and so far no one had encountered extraterrestrial intelligence. No one except Sombr, of course, when he counted Hallucien. They had to come from very far away, whoever they were.

Ereflur’s eyes dropped and her face grew as pale as she had described his earlier. "Sombr ... we ... we can’t fight this!"

Sombr was certain that Lord Vendrehain had transmitted a distress call to Terra once the fleet appeared within the Star Core, but that did little good. Even if Terra decided to send help, which it probably would not, Sombr suspected the alien fleet was much larger and more powerful than the Terran Defense Force. There was nothing to be done, as far as he could see. Nothing could save them from this threat.

Then Ereflur did as the Children always did when confronted with impossible odds. Indeed, as they always did on a daily basis anyway. She dropped to her knees, spreading her arms wide in supplication, and began to pray in that ridiculously energetic fashion to which Sombr could never grow accustomed. He knew that people all over the Kingdom were doing the same, which was enough to gall him.

"Do you really believe that prayer will do any good?"

Ereflur did not stop to answer him, but Sombr saw a tear emerge from her right eye and trail down her cheek. If there was little else he respected in her, she loved him and he knew it. He could not disparage that.

While she prayed, a number of large, glowing discs appeared hovering around the palace, each occupied by giant bipedal reptilian creatures whose appearance stunned Sombr. He didn’t know what he’d expected—surely nothing so recognizable. Sombr counted about twenty of the creatures, and there was variety in color. Some were blue, some red, and others green. He saw two that were brown and one yellow. They were too far away for him to make out any more details.

The one that floated in front was red. It raised its long taloned ... forepaw or hand or whatever ... as if to silence the multitude. Sombr knew that the Children would not cease their prayer to save their own lives, and he snorted. Regardless, the red alien began to speak, in a way that suggested the use of a device for enhancement and translation.

"I AM HIGH LORD FYUS, IMPERIAL PRINCE OF THE DRACON EMPIRE. BY ORDER OF HIS IMPERIAL MAJESTY NOVU, SOVEREIGN OF THE UNIVERSE, AND GLORIOUS LORD OF THE STARS, THIS WORLD, ITS RESOUCES AND ALL ITS INHABITANTS ARE NOW SUBJECTS OF DRACO. LAY DOWN YOUR ARMS AND SUBMIT TO THE WILL OF EMPEROR NOVU!"

Then Sombr remembered Hallucien’s message. He could not be sure what would happen, but it might be the Kingdom’s only chance. Kneeling beside his sister, he laid a hand on her shoulder and said, "Ereflur, I might know a way out of this."

She opened her eyes and looked at her brother. "How?"

"I learned something ... unexpected ... about Hallucien. It’s alive, Ereflur, and I spoke with it at length. It told me I could merge my mind with it and gain immeasurable powers. If I can get back to Hallucien, I’ll try it. Maybe then we can actually fight off this invasion."

"Sombr, this sounds very dangerous, if it is really possible. I don’t know..."

Sombr bit his lip to suppress the rankled reply on his tongue, then continued, "Ereflur, it’s the only way I can see. I have to try."

"But how will you get back? The aliens must have the ship immobilized, and I’m sure they’ve surrounded Hallucien’s outpost as they did the Kingdom."

"I ... don’t know, but I’ll ... figure out something. I hope."

She frowned and her eyes clouded. "All right, Sombr. I wish you Godspeed, and I’ll pray that you make it."

Sombr winced and quelled another biting reply before he could offend her. Pray all you want, sister, he thought, but I don’t believe it will help. Quick thinking and initiative are all that can save us now—if that.

He nodded instead, then took off at a run through the maze. Good thing he’d been through it many times since he was a lad, so he knew the fastest way through by heart. Still, he cursed his luck to be caught in the maze at a time like this.

Because he rushed, he took a wrong turn and encountered a dead end once, and nearly did three more times, forcing him to retrace his steps to the correct path. When he at last emerged from the entrance, he would have breathed a heavy sigh of relief if he had the time. He had to reach the paved area east of the palace that served for a port on this still-developing planet. As it was, he kept pushing toward his goal.

Ereflur had said the aliens would have "immobilized" the starship, and Sombr thought that understated the situation. More likely they would want to destroy it, unless they decided a lone ship was not a threat. This made sense, but what he saw as he approached the port confounded him.

Starship Eranahei sat on the pavement surrounded by a glowing blue shield. Sombr knew the ship’s energy defenses were invisible, so he assumed it was the alien technology used to prevent it from flying. However, when the red alien hovering over the palace spoke again, Sombr realized his mistake.

"YOU WERE ORDERED TO LAY DOWN YOUR ARMS. THE SHIELD AROUND YOUR SHIP IS AN ACT OF DEFIANCE THAT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. DISENGAGE THE SHIELD NOW OR WE WILL ANNIHILATE YOU!"

Sombr could only wonder then who or what might have activated the shield. Certain members of the Eranahei family acting in concert might have enough power to erect a psychic shield so large, but it would also be invisible to anyone without extrasensory abilities. Which meant the "Dracons" had such talents, or someone else entirely was involved—someone unknown to both the Dracons and the Children.

Neither possibility was very reassuring. The Eranaheis were only inviting retaliation if they had raised the shield. Sombr hoped no one in his family would be so foolish.

Then, as he drew closer to the ship, Sombr noticed a small fighter craft nestled within the shield and his stomach lurched. He knew who piloted that craft and would not be happy to see him. Sombr also knew the man had not been there earlier when he had arrived from Hallucien. So this was Terra’s response to Illusio’s distress call: a single Terran Combat Intelligence agent, who had probably disobeyed orders to come.

That man would dive into any danger without regard to consequences, Sombr thought. This time the consequences might be the destruction of the Eranahei family, and thousands of deaths besides. Sombr would not allow Crazy Hawk’s interference to cause such a tragedy.

Of course, Crazy Hawk might be his only way back to Hallucien. If the man got here through the alien fleet, he might be able to reach the nearest planet as well.

If. Might.

Those were very improbable suppositions right now. But what choice did Sombr have, really?

Numerous small objects, which he assumed were fighter craft, began to appear beneath the Dracon starships. They appeared to be wide, flat ovals, with huge dark green flower petals—at least they looked like flower petals—toward the back. The petals leaned forward a bit, enhancing the exotic appearance of the small ships. Behind the flowers a large section pulsed with red light.

"I WILL SAY AGAIN," boomed the voice of Fyus. "DISENGAGE THE SHIELD ON YOUR SHIP. YOU HAVE ONE ... MINUTE ... TO COMPLY."

Sombr was not surprised by the creature’s hesitation over the time unit, but he was alarmed by the command. He had the feeling the Dracons were ruthless masters, and he would see this for himself if he did not hurry. People would die this day regardless, because there was no way to reach Hallucien’s core in one minute.

He stepped through the blue glow of the shield and laid his eyes on Crazy Hawk’s fighter. The cockpit opened as Sombr pushed his legs to their limits, and the TCI agent climbed out. When Crazy Hawk stood on the pavement, Sombr stopped in front of him gasping for air.

The agent trained half-lidded eyes on him and frowned. Sombr straightened his body and repressed a shudder when he caught the other man’s gaze. Only Crazy Hawk’s right eye was organic, and the Prince still did not understand how a cybernetic eye could seem so alive. Almost half of the man’s body was cybernetic, although no one could tell by looking. Synthetic skin covered all the robotic parts without a hint of a seam or a gleam of metal.

"Your Majesty?" Crazy Hawk said, without kneeling or any other show of respect. "You need help?"

This is not the time to quibble over ceremony. He suppressed his anger and said, "Yes. If you can. How did you get here through this, anyway?"

Despite the situation, Crazy Hawk grinned. "Cloaking device," he said.

"A cloaking device? But that’s—"

"New technology, I know. I’m using a prototype."

Sombr refrained from asking the man how he had acquired the prototype. Do I really want to know?

"You really do have phenomenal luck," he said instead. "We’ve already seen that these aliens have technology far in advance of our own. Crazy Hawk, those ships just appeared in the sky without doing more than raising a little wind! There’s no way to know if they possess the means to see through your cloak."

Crazy Hawk grunted. "We could discuss this all day, if you want, but if you have a plan I suggest you come out with it—before those ships start to lay waste to your people."

Sombr examined the Starship Eranahei, which was not as large as the Dracon ships, to distract him from Crazy Hawk’s grating personality. It vaguely resembled a mechanical bug with four limbs instead of six. The configuration was not at all pleasing. Like all Terran-made ships, Starship Eranahei was a transmech, capable of switching between this form and a giant robot.

"Please," he said in a low voice, "can you get me to Hallucien as quickly as possible? With that cloaking device, you at least stand a better chance than one of our shuttles. I’ll explain everything on the way."

With a quick nod, Crazy Hawk said, "Okay, get in." Then he began to climb aboard himself.

By the time the full minute had elapsed, Sombr and Crazy Hawk were two thousand feet and climbing in the Terran fighter. The cloaking device seemed to be working so far as Sombr could tell. The Dracons at least did not appear to notice them. Their fighter ships, however, had begun to move.

Sombr glanced toward the palace and gasped in disbelief. Another shield, identical to the one that surrounded Starship Eranahei, now covered the palace with warm blue light. Every member of his family combining their powers could never create and sustain both of those shields. He looked at Crazy Hawk for a second, then dismissed the idea forming in his head as ludicrous. The agent might possess a prototype of one kind of new technology, but there was no way the tiny fighter ship could generate enough power for those two bizarre shields. The newest transmech battle cruisers fresh off the assembly line could not accomplish such a feat!

But Sombr did not get the chance to wonder who or what was behind them before the Dracon fighters began to raze the city around the palace and the villages beyond. The Prince imagined he could see every fire and hear the screams of each victim in that onslaught, as Crazy Hawk accelerated over Illusio’s gravitational well. Then he almost wished he did believe in God, so he could pray for his people with real conviction as his sister did.

He turned his head and his horror magnified. Dracon warships filled the void between the planets and the orbit of the closest sun.

"There must a thousand ships out there," he said in a whisper.

"More," said Crazy Hawk. "A lot more."

"But why? Why do they need so many? We’re hardly a threat to them."

"Maybe they didn’t know what to expect. Or maybe ... maybe they knew there was something with terrible power hidden here, and they planned to seize it at any cost."

Sombr let the words and their implication hang in the air. He stared at his reflection in the windshield, noting the prominence of his high-bridged nose while other features remained blurred. For some reason, the image made him think of Hallucien and the entity, but he could not determine why.

They were nearly halfway to Hallucien when Crazy Hawk said, "So what’s the big plan, anyway?"

Sombr explained his idea to the cyborg, bracing himself for ridicule. Crazy Hawk only nodded, as if the notion did not surprise him at all.

#

 

[Michael01]

Sombr must have slept for a while, because he awoke to the sound of Crazy Hawk cursing.

"What?" he said. "Is something wrong?"

"Yeah," said Crazy Hawk. "It took them a while, but they found us. There are two of those fighters on my tail. You can’t see them, but they’re on my display. Brace yourself. I’m gonna try to outrun ‘em."

Crazy Hawk gunned the engine. Sombr’s vision blurred and his body pressed into the seat. The ship rattled, fighting inertia to change course and fall into Hallucien’s gravitational well. When the ship settled into a new flight path, the Prince saw two fiery red beams pierce the darkness beyond the window. Crazy Hawk’s luck, and by extension Sombr’s, had run out.

"Damn!" said Crazy Hawk. "We’ve been hit. Weapon systems are off-line. I can’t fight back!"

Sombre stared at the back of the man’s head. "But I ... I didn’t feel anything."

"Not that kind of attack, but they’re coming and now we’re defenseless." Crazy Hawk paused, although there was no reason since he controlled the fighter plane with his thoughts. "We’re entering the atmosphere. At least I’ll be able to maneuver there."

A familiar tingle washed over Sombr’s body as the tiny organisms that permeated Hallucien’s air penetrated his skin, renewing the symbiotic contact binding him to this world. Despite himself, he closed his eyes and sighed with relief.

Sombr snapped his eyes open when he heard a sharp cry from Crazy Hawk. He looked through the transparent forward portal and saw a giant vermilion cube rolling through the orange sky toward them. The cyborg banked the ship aside too late to avoid impact. Then the ship’s nose penetrated the object without harm, and a moment later passed through the other side.

If not for their current situation, Sombr might have laughed. He’d forgotten Crazy Hawk had never been to Hallucien.

"Wait," said Sombr. "Where are the enemy fighters?"

Crazy Hawk leaned his head forward as if to study the sensors. "They’re ... they didn’t follow us in! What’s going on?"

Sombr grunted. "They know. They won’t enter the atmosphere because of the organism."

They seem to know a lot about us. Just what are they after?

"How far to the outpost?" said Crazy Hawk.

Shaking his head, Sombr said, "We don’t have time for that. You have to leave before the organism settles in your system. Get as close to the core as you can, then eject me and get away from Hallucien quickly." All of which made for a very tall order, but Crazy Hawk had few options otherwise.

"What? Are you nuts? You’ll die!"

"And you’ll never leave if you don’t!"

Crazy Hawk murmured something that sounded like "I might not leave anyway..." before diving deeper into the strange world.

#

Minutes later, Sombr fell through the thick, gaseous layers near the core, psychic shields throbbing in his ears and vibrating along his skin. He hoped he would stay alive long enough to reach the Ring of Life and start the transformation.

At last he burst through the cloudy mass into an open space surrounding a large ring-shaped object. The ring had a diameter roughly the length of a human body and blazed with golden light. Sombr stretched out his arm and reached for it, laying his hands on the warm, smooth surface.

This was the first time he been this close. He’d never expected the slightest touch to be so ... energizing. His body hummed with life and he could feel the thriving pulse as countless neurons fired in his brain.

A deep voice resonated in his mind. :Do you wish to make the transformation?:

Yes! Yes, I do. Please...

:I am coming.:

Golden light surged from the ring into Sombr’s arms and spread throughout his body. Then the light and the object vanished, leaving the prince alone in a dark void.

This isn’t right. It just ... feels wrong.

:No! It wasn’t supposed to be you! How—:

And Sombr knew. The Ring of Life was not the complete entity. It had somehow been separated from the other half, which resided in Illusio, and the power was only a reflection of the true being.

A reflection.

The Ring of Life was unstable and had chosen the wrong host. Sombr’s head exploded. His body sang with fire. He mourned, because he knew he would lose his mind and betray his sister ... his family ... his people.

#

It was over. The ring remained where it had been but no longer shined. All the light resided in Sombr. He looked at his glowing hands and laughed.

I never dreamed I could be so powerful.

Until then, Sombr had denied the existence of any God or gods. Wrong. They were real. He knew because he had become a god.

Sombr turned his head upward and looked through the gases of Hallucien to the alien fleet and Illusio beyond. Salvation for his people was in his hands; only he had the power. He would save them from the Dracon Empire, and then he would save them from themselves.

The new god blasted through Hallucien’s atmosphere and into the cold, lifeless void of space, leaving a bright yellow trail in his wake. With the entire fleet spanning the distance between him and the suns, Sombr stopped, raised his arms over his head and swept them forward. Invisible waves of energy rippled outward to engulf the Dracon ships. One by one, the living ships flattened, as if pulled apart by unseen hands, then ruptured into masses of fluid and balls of flame.

Soon not a single ship remained.

Finally, he turned his burning eyes in the direction of Illusio.

I am coming.

 

[adyc]

Michael,

I liked the idea - an alien life deep within the planet etc. but I felt you moved along too quickly from Sombr being just an 'ordinary' scientist to a god. It needs to be padded out quite a bit. Perhaps getting Sombr back to the planet and developing his powers for a return to his planet as it becomes occupied by the reptilians?
Even as he tells his sister that he is going to try and get back to the planet he tells her more than he needs to.

Exciting stuff though.

Adyc

 

[Nik]

VERY Different, which is good.

Um, as gob-smacked readers said of my short-short 'Bete Noir', "There's enough in that for a book !"

How would this work as a synopsis rather than a chapter ??

 

[Michael01]

VERY Different, which is good.

Um, as gob-smacked readers said of my short-short 'Bete Noir', "There's enough in that for a book !"

How would this work as a synopsis rather than a chapter ??

Yeah ... even though I cut out a lot of exposition, I'm concerned there's still too much. Hopefully someone can help me see what's needed and what isn't.

Otherwise, I can't think of this piece as a "synopsis." I can see other people may have different ideas, but it still feels like a story to me. You should see the original, which I wrote 22 years ago. Here are the first two paragraphs:

There is a place in our universe that is not so far away as to be unreachable; a system of three suns and only two planets. These two planets, as seen from the vacuum of space, appear to be twins, but nothing is as it seems on these two very strange worlds.

The Twin planets do not revolve around any of its suns, as most planets do, which makes them so much different from most planets. They revolve around a single, invisible matrix that lies somewhere in the midst of them, and it is the sun - the smallest of the three - that revolves around the Matrix. Then in turn the second sun, which is somewhat larger than the first, also falls in its own orbit around the Matrix, and the largest does the same. This is because the unseen Matrix is the strongest gravitational force in the sytem (it is the very point from which the universe originated).

Shucks ... this isn't even good enough for a synopsis. So you can see how different my writing is now as compared to then - and how different this same story is turning out to be as I go back to it.

Adyc: Hmm. Interesting idea.

Thank you both for your comments, and for reading!

 

[The Judge]

Hi, Michael

You've probably cottoned on to the fact that I'm one of the nit-picky critiquers, so I thought I'd do a bit of that first before addressing the specific issues you've raised. But first a confession. I have a low attention threshold. If something hasn't grabbed me within the first few paras I have great trouble reading through the rest of it. I then tend to skim-read at best and the longer the piece, the less likely I am to concentrate or even finish it. I'm ashamed to say this happened here, so when I'm critiquing there's a chance that I will say something that you address later on but I've missed it. I do apologise if that occurs. The only point I'd make in my own defence is that this is exactly how an agent or publisher would treat you - and they wouldn't even to try to read the rest.

'Sombr, Prince of the Apostolic Kingdom on the planet Illusio...' Prince of the etc is info-dumping. I know you want to get this detail in somewhere but it doesn't seem appropriate here, at least in this stark form. If he was ill from something ordinary then you might get away with making a joke of it, as in 'being Prince [etc] and High This-That-and-all-the-Other still couldn't stop him catching the common cold.' Otherwise, I think it's best to delete it from here and leave your readers to figure out later he is a prince and the name of the planet.

'... bent forward with arms pressed into his burning abdomen, which nearly caused him to gag.' I wasn't sure if it was the pressing which caused him to gag, or the burning abdomen. If others have the same confusion you might want to re-phrase this.

'Queen Ereflur latched onto his arm to steady him as lines of tension creased her forehead.' Again, telling us she is Queen so early is too much. 'Latched' doesn't convey the right feel - it's more something you'd say if the person's attentions were unwelcome - a simple 'took his arm' would be enough, I think. Didn't like 'lines of tension' etc, but I can't put my finger on why. Perhaps it's the use of 'as' to link the two bits. Anyway, 'tension' itself is definitely wrong, it's concern or anxiety that she's feeling. (If you think it should be tension because she's tense over something else, the line definitely should not be linked with her holding onto Sombr.)

"Are you all right? Is it withdrawal?" Aristocratic upbringing doesn't necessarily lead to impeccable grammar and language as we know from our own dear Royals, but I think a Queen Regnant should come up with something better than 'all right'. And 'withdrawal' sounded wrong on its own. 'Withdrawal symptoms' is too medical I agree; perhaps 'the pain of withdrawal [from the planet]'? Why don't use the separation sickness you mention later?

Four guards in palace livery—blue with gold trim, the left breast sporting a silver cross over a golden star—whose presence was more formality than necessity—provided an armed escort for the royal siblings. Info dump. Do we need to know the details of the palace uniform? And why do you need these men here anyway? As far as I can see they don't add anything to the scene, they don't do anything useful later, and they just interrupt things for no good reason - frankly they seem an irrelevance you could forego. On this point, never forget that every time you make a decision you have to look at it from two angles. The first is - what do I as an author need? eg I need the murderer to leave the planet otherwise she will be detected too soon and there will be no suspense. The second is - why would the character do what I need her to do and would she be acting in character in doing it? If you fail the second test, you have to re-think. So if you need the guards to be there and to be armed, because later in the novel they foil an assassination attempt with their laser-guns, you need to come up with a convincing reason for their armed presence - and I'm afraid that mere 'formality' isn't cutting it. Finally, 'for the royal siblings' - what on earth (or Illusio) is that doing there. It adds nothing (you've told us she's a Queen and he's a Prince - even if I have said you shouldn't have done! - and you've said she's his sister) and it jars horribly. Finally, finally - punctuation. As you'll have seen, I love dashes, both as a more informal way of giving a breathing space in place of a colon or semi-colon, and instead of parentheses. But three in one sentence is too much, even for me!

'Two of them trotted to Sombr’s side...' 'Trotted' is wrong - fine for a horse, or a child, or for someone jogging, but there's a slightly comic feel to it that's out of keeping with the scene.

'He sent them away by stretching one arm palm out and shaking his head in slow motion.' Waving them away is fine - is the actual gesture at all relevant? So relevant that you have to describe it in detail?

'The pebbles of the pseudo-cobblestone path...' Cobbles are largish stones, perhaps a couple of inches across, usually set close together in some kind of mortar-stuff (not very up on road building techniques) to form a road surface. Pebbles are little round things that usually stay loose to make paths. It's possible to have both on one path I suppose, but it's unusual to say the least, and they are definitely very different creatures. Not sure which one you want, but I'd suggest cobbles are too large for a maze. But as Lord Emsworth* would tell you, the paths between truly aristocratic yew hedges should not be made of little stone chippings like a municipal park but should be carpeted with a mossy growth! (Bugger on the shoes in wet weather though!) I'm not sure why you refer to 'pseudo-cobblestone'. If it's to pre-empt the revelation that nothing is genuine, because of the malleable stuff of the planet, then it's wrong to refer to the hedge and its dark green leaves without the same qualification. If it's because you think that cobblestone is a kind of material, like marble (I noticed the 'pseudo-marble' later on), well it isn't.

'... crunched beneath their feet...' Not if they are cobblestones.

'... and the hedges were chest-high with dark green leaves dripping dew that glistened in the sunlight.' Bit too much in one sentence, the 'dripping dew' being especially very dark mauve, if not actually purple prose.

'... favorite place on the grounds.' In the grounds.

"So why do feel responsible?" Typo - 'you' missed out, or 'do' inserted, by mistake.

'A phoenix statue stood in the center of the square they’d entered before his symptoms flared.' I know what you mean but this reads badly. Anyway, if they are there now, and we haven't seen them walk any great distance, we can assume they reached the statue before he was taken poorly, so you can safely dump from 'they'd' onwards. NB I'm not an aficionado of mazes, but do they really have odd squares in them, other than in the centre? No reason yours can't have whatever squares it wants, of course, but where you describe things that are different from what is the norm here, an odd word about it might be in order.

'He leaned on a wing for support and concentrated on breathing.' If he's concentrating on breathing, how is it he's talking immediately, with not even a para break?

'The physical pain faded and Sombr pushed off the statue.' I imagine that 'push off' is American vernacular when used in this sense (we'd use it as in pushed off a boat, eg away from its mooring; or even to say in a slang-y fashion that someone left, but not in a sentence like this). Unfortunately it brings with it the implication not that he is pushing himself away, but that he is pushing the statue off its plinth. I think it might be worth re-phrasing.

'Emotional anguish boiled in his chest like a reservoir of water and threatened to burst.' Anguish is always emotional, not physical. If you want to mirror 'physical pain' from earlier, you'll have to use 'pain' again or a very close synonym. I don't think anguish boils does it? Not like anger. It just sits there like a dead weight. Reservoirs of water certainly don't boil, not outside of some very freak atmospheric conditions. And the subject of the sentence is the anguish - how can this threaten to burst?

'With considerable effort, Sombr concentrated a flow of psychic energy around his heart, and managed to subdue the surge.' This means what, precisely? And what 'surge' - you said the anguish was boiling, not that it was a rip-tide or something.

I think I'll stop the nit-picking there. It takes a while to do it properly, and you've probably had enough anyway. As a general nit-picky point I think you need to be more careful in your choice of words - I'm never without both a dictionary and a thesaurus at my side when I'm writing.

Regarding info-dumps, you have two sorts as far as I can see. The first is descriptive: you see the scene and you want to get it across to your reader so she can see it as well. I happen to be a great believer in letting the reader make up her own image, except where it is necessary eg for plot purposes. (Let us not forget that virtually the only description Jane Austen gives of Darcy is that he is tall and proud-looking - nothing about hair or eye colour etc.) But if you want to give description try to slide it in to the story, rather than just plopping it down in one lump. For example when you talk of the four liveried guards, instead of a bald description from the narrator, how about Sombr looking at the men so we see the uniform through his eyes: the gold braid catching the light and hurting his eyes which are already sore from the separation sickness; or the blue of the uniform reflecting the whatever-flowers next to the fountain; or his heart swelling with emotion as it always did when he saw the silver cross over the golden star. You'd still be getting some of the detail across, but you'd be linking it into the scene and there would be an emotional purpose to it. On the show-tell scale, it would be moving away from the far 'tell' end where it is stuck at present.

You try to do this eg with the para about the maze, but you don't quite pull it off, in my view. This is your version, underneath my very quick attempt.

He wished he could enjoy their walk in the palace gardens more. The pebbles of the pseudo-cobblestone path winding through the maze crunched beneath their feet, and the hedges were chest-high with dark green leaves dripping dew that glistened in the sunlight. The maze always had been Sombr’s favorite place on the grounds.

Despite the pain, Sombr forced himself to continue walking. The maze had always been his favourite place within the palace grounds, right from the time when he had been far too small to see over the dark yew hedges, and his nurse had been made to lift him high to the phoenix statue at the centre of this small square. The early morning sunlight caught the dew on the pin-sharp leaves of the hedge, and glinted off the pebble-shards of the path. In spite of the anguish that lay on his heart, Sombr was glad to be there.

Now, I'm not pretending my version is perfect, or even better, and doubtless someone will come along and say how much more they prefer yours - it's shorter for one thing! But you see how I've tried to make the walk in the maze as much an emotional journey, tying it to Sombr and his feelings about it. I've given info about him as well as the place

The other info-dump problem you have is with back-story. Sometimes dumping has to happen because there is no sensible way of showing the facts, in which case I'd advise bringing it in gradually in easily digestible bits or, if that's not possible, leaving it until you have established the characters and you can afford to lecture the reader a little. Clearly here your options are limited because you need to tell us something about Hallucien so Sombr can destroy the Dracon fleet. You start off fine, by having Sombr agonise about his decision to take people there - but then it all goes to pot. I think, basically, you are trying to tell us too much too soon. For instance, do we need to know yet that the fabric of Illusio is malleable and nothing is real unless imported? Does it make a difference if this is left to a later chapter?

I think what might help is if you open a second version of this chapter and delete each and every piece of back story that isn't contained in dialogue, putting them in a third document. Read the second version through as if you were looking at it for the first time and ask yourself whether it makes sense. If it does, then that's a fair clue that the back-story isn't necessary yet. If the second version is confusing, work out what you need to deal with the confusion. Go to the third doc, look for the info and then re-write it into as simple a piece of prose as you can. Then bring it back.

The only other general coment I'd have is that too much seemed to happen too quickly, it was all too rushed. I know that one is meant to start in the middle of a crisis and work up from there, and there's a lot to be said for moving at a breathless pace, but the action didn't seem to build up, it felt dumped, but that's probably just me.

Anyway, hope this helps a little.

J
* PG Wodehouse's 'Lord Emsworth and the Girl Friend'.

 

[Michael01]

'Sombr, Prince of the Apostolic Kingdom on the planet Illusio...' Prince of the etc is info-dumping.

Got it. Thanks!

'... bent forward with arms pressed into his burning abdomen, which nearly caused him to gag.' I wasn't sure if it was the pressing which caused him to gag, or the burning abdomen. If others have the same confusion you might want to re-phrase this.

This one is a bit tricky, because it's about sentence structure. I understood that the "which" after the comma always refers to what immediately preceeds the comma - in this case, "burning abdomen."

'Queen Ereflur latched onto his arm to steady him as lines of tension creased her forehead.' Again, telling us she is Queen so early is too much. 'Latched' doesn't convey the right feel - it's more something you'd say if the person's attentions were unwelcome - a simple 'took his arm' would be enough, I think. Didn't like 'lines of tension' etc, but I can't put my finger on why. Perhaps it's the use of 'as' to link the two bits. Anyway, 'tension' itself is definitely wrong, it's concern or anxiety that she's feeling. (If you think it should be tension because she's tense over something else, the line definitely should not be linked with her holding onto Sombr.)

Got it. Good points.

"Are you all right? Is it withdrawal?" Aristocratic upbringing doesn't necessarily lead to impeccable grammar and language as we know from our own dear Royals, but I think a Queen Regnant should come up with something better than 'all right'. And 'withdrawal' sounded wrong on its own. 'Withdrawal symptoms' is too medical I agree; perhaps 'the pain of withdrawal [from the planet]'? Why don't use the separation sickness you mention later?

And done. Very cool.

Four guards in palace livery—blue with gold trim, the left breast sporting a silver cross over a golden star—whose presence was more formality than necessity—provided an armed escort for the royal siblings. Info dump. Do we need to know the details of the palace uniform? And why do you need these men here anyway?

I removed the whole paragraph. The story still seems to work without it. Thanks.

...I love dashes, both as a more informal way of giving a breathing space in place of a colon or semi-colon, and instead of parentheses. But three in one sentence is too much, even for me!

Honestly, I agonized over this sentence for the very reason you mention. I don't like it either. Since the whole paragraph is gone now, I suppose it doesn't matter.

'He sent them away by stretching one arm palm out and shaking his head in slow motion.' Waving them away is fine - is the actual gesture at all relevant? So relevant that you have to describe it in detail?

Also removed.

'The pebbles of the pseudo-cobblestone path...' Cobbles are largish stones, perhaps a couple of inches across, usually set close together in some kind of mortar-stuff (not very up on road building techniques) to form a road surface. Pebbles are little round things that usually stay loose to make paths. It's possible to have both on one path I suppose, but it's unusual to say the least, and they are definitely very different creatures. Not sure which one you want, but I'd suggest cobbles are too large for a maze. But as Lord Emsworth* would tell you, the paths between truly aristocratic yew hedges should not be made of little stone chippings like a municipal park but should be carpeted with a mossy growth! (Bugger on the shoes in wet weather though!) I'm not sure why you refer to 'pseudo-cobblestone'. If it's to pre-empt the revelation that nothing is genuine, because of the malleable stuff of the planet, then it's wrong to refer to the hedge and its dark green leaves without the same qualification. If it's because you think that cobblestone is a kind of material, like marble (I noticed the 'pseudo-marble' later on), well it isn't.

Good to know. Working on it.

'... and the hedges were chest-high with dark green leaves dripping dew that glistened in the sunlight.' Bit too much in one sentence, the 'dripping dew' being especially very dark mauve, if not actually purple prose.

Hmm. I've been getting a lot of "not enough description" from some people. And I thought this was what everyone meant by "showing." As in, "don't just tell me there's a hedge, show it to me." So I still must be having trouble grasping the idea.

On the other hand, I can see that it's too much, so I'm on it.

'... favorite place on the grounds.' In the grounds.

Really? Why?

'A phoenix statue stood in the center of the square they’d entered before his symptoms flared.' I know what you mean but this reads badly. Anyway, if they are there now, and we haven't seen them walk any great distance, we can assume they reached the statue before he was taken poorly, so you can safely dump from 'they'd' onwards.

Done.

NB I'm not an aficionado of mazes, but do they really have odd squares in them, other than in the centre? No reason yours can't have whatever squares it wants, of course, but where you describe things that are different from what is the norm here, an odd word about it might be in order.

I'll give it a shot. Since this is a future fantasy, maybe I can get away with it ... but, then again, maybe not. I'll rethink it.

'He leaned on a wing for support and concentrated on breathing.' If he's concentrating on breathing, how is it he's talking immediately, with not even a para break?

"Concentrated on breathing" is out of there...

'The physical pain faded and Sombr pushed off the statue.' I imagine that 'push off' is American vernacular when used in this sense (we'd use it as in pushed off a boat, eg away from its mooring; or even to say in a slang-y fashion that someone left, but not in a sentence like this). Unfortunately it brings with it the implication not that he is pushing himself away, but that he is pushing the statue off its plinth. I think it might be worth re-phrasing.

How does "stepped away from" sound?

'Emotional anguish boiled in his chest like a reservoir of water and threatened to burst.' Anguish is always emotional, not physical. If you want to mirror 'physical pain' from earlier, you'll have to use 'pain' again or a very close synonym. I don't think anguish boils does it? Not like anger. It just sits there like a dead weight. Reservoirs of water certainly don't boil, not outside of some very freak atmospheric conditions. And the subject of the sentence is the anguish - how can this threaten to burst?

Okay, I'm rethinking the imagery. However, do you think this is another place where the imagery isn't necessary? Would it be good enough just to "tell" it here?

'With considerable effort, Sombr concentrated a flow of psychic energy around his heart, and managed to subdue the surge.' This means what, precisely?

Oh, wow. You really didn't get it? Hmm. What am I doing wrong here?

And what 'surge' - you said the anguish was boiling, not that it was a rip-tide or something.

Trying to vary word use. I suppose this isn't a good way to do it.

I think I'll stop the nit-picking there. It takes a while to do it properly, and you've probably had enough anyway. As a general nit-picky point I think you need to be more careful in your choice of words - I'm never without both a dictionary and a thesaurus at my side when I'm writing.

I use a dictionary and a thesaurus too, it's just ... apparently not very effectively.

Regarding info-dumps, you have two sorts as far as I can see. The first is descriptive: you see the scene and you want to get it across to your reader so she can see it as well. I happen to be a great believer in letting the reader make up her own image, except where it is necessary eg for plot purposes. (Let us not forget that virtually the only description Jane Austen gives of Darcy is that he is tall and proud-looking - nothing about hair or eye colour etc.) But if you want to give description try to slide it in to the story, rather than just plopping it down in one lump. For example when you talk of the four liveried guards, instead of a bald description from the narrator, how about Sombr looking at the men so we see the uniform through his eyes: the gold braid catching the light and hurting his eyes which are already sore from the separation sickness; or the blue of the uniform reflecting the whatever-flowers next to the fountain; or his heart swelling with emotion as it always did when he saw the silver cross over the golden star. You'd still be getting some of the detail across, but you'd be linking it into the scene and there would be an emotional purpose to it. On the show-tell scale, it would be moving away from the far 'tell' end where it is stuck at present.

For instance, do we need to know yet that the fabric of Illusio is malleable and nothing is real unless imported? Does it make a difference if this is left to a later chapter?

I don't need to quote all of this, but I just wanted to say that there's a lot of very helpful information here, and in what follows, and I appreciate it. I'm going to try the story without the parapraphs describing Illusio's "disposition."

The only other general coment I'd have is that too much seemed to happen too quickly, it was all too rushed. I know that one is meant to start in the middle of a crisis and work up from there, and there's a lot to be said for moving at a breathless pace, but the action didn't seem to build up, it felt dumped, but that's probably just me.

I'd like to say I hope it is just you, but you're not the only one to make that kind of comment (see Adyc's post), unfortunately.

This is pretty much what I'd been looking for in a critique, and it has been very helpful. The only thing that bothers me is the final comment, about it feeling "rushed," because that would be the most difficult problem to tackle.

When I started reading your post, I had hope that if I could just find another way to open it, then you'd be able to appreciate and enjoy the story a lot more. Now I don't know. It seems even with all the improvement I've made over the years, I'm still not grabbing the reader for the most part. Well, I'll keep at it. I still believe sooner or later I'll get there.

Thank you, Judge, for all of your help. It was just what I needed!

 

[HareBrain]

Some quick impressions, because I haven't really got the energy for anything more at the moment. I agree there's too much in here. There's a big enough idea for a novel (though I would suggest "expanding" it rather than adyc's "padding") - and a longer form would enable it to breathe, to not be so rushed. I think as a short story you're trying to do more in here than the form can handle (though I'm not a big fan of SF short stories with big ideas for precisely these reasons, so I might not be typical).

I liked the names, and I was intrigued at the beginning by Sombr's illness, but it started to lose me when the background info was introduced - I didn't have enough stake in the story at that early stage to want to know it. (Though others obviously did, so make of that what you will.) In fact on the first read-through I then skipped to the start of the second post, and thought that was much more successful - I'm not sure I missed much by not reading the rest of the first post, as most of the second post seemed to me to be understandable without it.

You might want to think about making this longer, or using the ideas in something longer. It ends before we get to the most interesting stuff, anyway. At the moment, also, the characters feel as if they're there purely so the bigger story gets a chance to play itself out. Maybe that's a problem with the shorter form, but I wonder if they're very "real" to you?

Not sure if this will have been helpful, but, er, there you go.

Edit: sorry, you do say at the beginning that this will be chapter1 of something bigger. I still think it should be expanded and made perhaps chapters 1-2, or maybe 1-3.

 

[dustinzgirl]

I have to disagree with Judge on a few points, I didn't feel there was any info dumping and the use of formal titles sets the stage for the plot early.

I think the process of becoming a god was too fast and not very well explained. From my perception, Sombr gained a lot of power with little consequence, which seems kind of....easy and lacking.

Also, there's some places where I don't understand the sequence of events.

As far as different Matrix terms that might work: nexus, nucleus, eigenvectors (if you are going mathematical but you could leave off the vectors part), nectere (latin base for nexus), just throwing out some words.

 

[HareBrain]

I have to disagree with Judge on a few points

Isn't that contempt of court?

I didn't feel there was any info dumping

Maybe "infodump" has a more restricted definition than I'm aware of, like above a certain length, but I thought this paragraph was one:

There were too many mysteries here, Sombr reflected, too many puzzles to solve. The Matrix was not a black hole, yet it held two stars and two planets in its wake—without crushing them! Then there was the maze, and all the structures built here for that matter, including the palace—constant reminders of Illusio’s unique disposition. No one had determined what substance comprised the surface of the strange world, only that it was somehow malleable. Every house, every statue, everything that was not imported from Terra had been molded like clay by artists and artisans with exquisite detail. Only on very close inspection could anyone tell the hedge was not a real plant.

No?

 

[dustinzgirl]

To me, but I tend towards long winded works, that was just describing the scenery. Info dump, in my opinion, is saying things that do not further the plot or set the stage for the plot to be furthered. I thought that was kind of important because it explains why the difference is important, which seems to be part of the plot further along, but if its not important to the plot then yes it would be info dump.

 

[The Judge]

Info dump, in my opinion, is saying things that do not further the plot or set the stage for the plot to be furthered.

That would explain our differences of thought on this, then. I've never seen 'info-dump' defined but I'd deduced from its use on the critiques threads that it carried a very broad definition, effectively covering anything where info was given in a solid, indigestible, lump. In a sense, it doesn't matter - I think the things I highlighted are problems whatever they are called. Though clearly dustinzgirl disagrees with me on this, Michael. I suppose the problem is, it doesn't matter what she and I think, it's what an agent and publisher might think.

I can't do this fancy multiple quoting, Michael, so I'll just italicise your points which need feedback.

I understood that the "which" after the comma always refers to what immediately preceeds the comma - in this case, "burning abdomen."
I've never seen this rule set out in that form, but the problem is 'which nearly caused him to gag.' 'Burning' to me implies a continuity; 'caused' relates to something that has just started to happen. Sorry, not explaining this very well. If it is the burning causing him to gag, then I think the tense is off: '[He] bent forward with arms pressed into his [suddenly] burning abdomen, which [was causing][had nearly caused] him to gag.' Frankly, though, I think you're better off rephrasing it.

Hmm. I've been getting a lot of "not enough description" from some people.
My fault, I didn't make myself clear. It isn't that there's too much description - I'd be happy for you to throw in a bit more about the garden - just that to my mind the description you use is too much, too over the top somehow, certainly for one sentence. That crappy para I drafted, I actually ended up with more descriptors than you did I think, but my writing is cooler (ie not as warm) so the purpleness isn't there to the same extent.

Really? Why?
Dunno. Just is. You might walk onto the ground; but you walk into the grounds. Same as a house sits in its own grounds, though a palace would be situated on the Royal Estates I think. Oooh, just occurred to me - might this be one of those UK-US splits of language?

How does "stepped away from" sound?
Fine. Actually, 'pushed himself away' would have been fine, too - and gives that idea of physical effort involved that 'stepped' loses.

Okay, I'm rethinking the imagery. However, do you think this is another place where the imagery isn't necessary?
I've no problem with imagery per se, so long as there's not too much of it. After all the 'dead weight' I used is an image, if a particularly cliched one. It's just you have to be very careful about using imagery to make sure it conveys exactly what is required - and you have to think it through. That was the point of my remark about 'surge' - I didn't object to the word on its own, just that it bore no relation to the image you'd conjured up previously. If you were talking about anger and were using watery metaphors like a torrent of rage, or a maelstrom, or a storm, then surge would have been fine. It just doesn't fit with boiling or reservoirs.

As for me saying it was rushed, I don't think that that should be a problem. You've just got to slow it down - without padding! For example - one second we're being told a fleet has arrived in the system - 4 lines later it's hovering over the palace. Why can't they discover it before it hits the system? Then you can build up the tension with them wondering what it is, what it's doing, a couple of priests confirming that alien life is impossible etc etc - OK some of that would be padding, but you could still draw the tension out a little. Same with the arrival of the ship overhead and the Dracons orders. And for heaven's sake, give the Queen some backbone. (Incidentally, it's unusual for a monarchy to be the real power of a place nowadays - do they have to be Queen and Prince? Or do you just like titles??) As Harebrain mentioned, you could easily make this into 2 chapters, possibly more.

Anyway, again I hope this helps.

J

 

[Precision Grace]

Micheal to Judge:

When I started reading your post, I had hope that if I could just find another way to open it, then you'd be able to appreciate and enjoy the story a lot more. Now I don't know. It seems even with all the improvement I've made over the years, I'm still not grabbing the reader for the most part. Well, I'll keep at it. I still believe sooner or later I'll get there.

For what it's worth, I believe that your problem stems from being too old fashioned with your prose. You have talent, but the skill with which you chose to employ it is for some reason restrictive. (not that I'm the one to talk)
I also believe that the differences of opinions seen here stem from unequal affection for the sub-genre by various critters. For example, I won't even touch this because I am generally not that fond of this sort of thing. But the reason I asked you what you enjoy about writing before is because all your stories seem to be very action/plot driven and I'm wondering if you'd ever thought about trying to write a feature film script instead of a book? That way you can dispense with all description and just get on with the story.

 

[Michael01]

Okay ... well, I'll keep going with "everyone's comments have at least some validity" and work from there.

Judge: I understand the point about monarchies, but this story - while it is set in the "future" - is meant to be fantasy. So the Queen and Prince add some of those elements you'd see in fantasy, as do the Dracons (which are really just a variation of "Dragons").

Oh, man, I was kind of proud of the ships suddenly appearing like that...

Dustinzgirl: Well, there is some consequence. He loses his sanity, for one. There's more, but it isn't in this part. Maybe I should get some of that in?

What parts didn't you understand? If I can, I'd like to go in and fix it.

EDIT: I was thinking of keeping "Matrix" within the story while changing the title, but - now that you mention it - I kind of like "Nexus." Hmm...

For a title, I really like Heaven's Gate, only I don't think I can use that either.

Precision Grace: I have thought about writing screenplays, but I really want to write fiction. It's all I've ever wanted to do, so I'm not giving up now. And is there really a problem, anyway? Don't all stories need to go through several drafts (at least) before they're ready to submit? Besides, all that time working on grammar and spelling would seem a bit wasteful...

And I just noticed I spelled "precede" wrong.

Okay, so can anyone tell me what is working for this story?

Thanks again everyone. I believe I know what I need to do to improve it.

 

[dustinzgirl]

That would explain our differences of thought on this, then. I've never seen 'info-dump' defined but I'd deduced from its use on the critiques threads that it carried a very broad definition, effectively covering anything where info was given in a solid, indigestible, lump. In a sense, it doesn't matter - I think the things I highlighted are problems whatever they are called. Though clearly dustinzgirl disagrees with me on this, Michael. I suppose the problem is, it doesn't matter what she and I think, it's what an agent and publisher might think.

I wouldn't consider one paragraph a solid indigestible lump. I've seen books talk for two or three or more pages describing one thing that is entirely unrelated to the plot, and still hit the best seller list.

IMO you need information in a book, even a fiction one, to further the plot.

It doesn't ALL have to be action sequenced.

 

[HareBrain]

I've seen books talk for two or three or more pages describing one thing that is entirely unrelated to the plot.

I'd like to bet they didn't do that at the start of the frst chapter. I think that could work if it comes when the reader is already well engaged with the story, but what I found with this piece was that I hadn't been well and truly hooked, and the para of stuff about the planets made it seem that the characters might well be subsidiary to the ideas.

 

[Michael01]

Well, here's hoping I've done better this time. I've changed "Matrix" to "Nexus" too (thanks Dustinzgirl!). It's now divided into two chapters, so here's chapter one:

Chapter One: Invasion

Sombr bent forward with arms pressed into his burning abdomen. Ereflur took his arm to steady him.

"Sombr?" said his sister. "Are you ill? Is it separation sickness?"

Then he turned to Ereflur, suppressing nausea by force of will, and tried to smile. "Yes, but I’ll be fine. I can stay a while longer. It’s only what I deserve, anyway."

Ignoring the pain, Sombr compelled himself to move forward.

The maze always had been his favorite place on the grounds—even when he’d been too small to see over the hedges and urged Uncle Vendrehain to give him shoulder rides. Heat shimmered over the grassy path. If the hedge had been real, the leaves would be dry and brittle this time of year; instead, they were green and unchanging. Authentic or not, Sombr was glad to be there.

Ereflur frowned and brushed his elbow with her fingers. "You didn’t know. How could you? So why do you feel responsible?"

"Because I am responsible, Ereflur." He leaned on his sister’s shoulder for support. "How would you feel if you convinced hundreds of people to live on an outpost they can never leave without dying? Hallucien is a death trap, and I led them there. Knowing I can leave, even for a short time, is worse. I know they love me anyway, but I’ll never understand why."

If I weren’t so obsessed with the Nexus System, they’d be here with their families—where they belong.

The physical pain faded and Sombr pushed away from the statue. They continued their walk, entering the next path. The center wasn’t far now.

Despite the consequences, he wondered how anyone would not be obsessed with the universe’s point of origin. How could anyone not be haunted by the oddities of both worlds orbiting the Nexus?

Still, he had learned something momentous from his research. Sombr had communed with the core of Hallucien, which turned out to be a living entity. He wanted to reveal this secret to Ereflur but he hesitated, unsure how to broach the subject.

"What a beautiful day," said Ereflur.

Beautiful indeed. The twin suns of the Nexus System, which also orbited the invisible point between the two worlds, shined their brilliant splendor on the surface of Illusio—highlighting the hedges and dispersing shadows as if they did not exist.

When they arrived in the center, Ereflur adjusted her dress to sit on one of four pseudo-marble benches, which surrounded a statue of their father, Kurin Eranahei, then patted the place beside her.

"Please sit, Sombr," she said. "You look pale."

Sombr smiled again to reassure his sister and sat on the bench.

Ereflur sighed. "It will be time for the evening service soon. The people will expect to see their Queen, and they miss their Prince. Uncle Vendrehain would be disappointed if he doesn’t see you today. Only, I know how hard it is for you."

She meant the separation sickness of course, but Sombr could not help thinking of Vendrehain’s well meaning—if annoying—attempts to steer his nephew back to the church. As a scientist, Sombr did not share his family’s religious convictions. "The Children of God’s Love" was a very peculiar sect, and not just by Sombr’s standards. Many Terrans openly scorned them, which had played a large part in the Children’s decision to leave the home world.

Sombr turned to his sister, ready at last to explain his discovery, when they were interrupted. A man in a starship uniform rushed into the center and sank to one knee before Ereflur. Sunlight reflected from the crewman’s black lightweight armor, and Sombr had to shield his eyes.

"Your Majesty," he said, after catching his breath. "The starship’s monitors have detected a large fleet entering the Nexus System! Lord Vendrehain’s attempts to communicate have failed."

The Kingdom possessed only one armed starship. God help us if we ever need to defend ourselves, Sombr thought, despite his agnosticism. He hoped they wouldn’t need to mount a defense now.

Ereflur’s eyes grew wide with alarm. "A fleet? It couldn’t be from Terra, could it? Surely they have no reason to send a fleet here."

While Sombr knew there were many on Terra who would like nothing more than to subdue the Children, regardless of the distance between them, he did not believe they had enough power to launch an invasion. Not yet, at least. But then, whose fleet was it?

"I don’t know," he said, as much to himself as to Ereflur. He stared up at the sky, waiting for something to happen.

"Perhaps another colony? One that supports the World Church?"

"No. They’re subject to their charters, all of which have connections to Terran companies. If they invade another colony, even ours, they’d lose their support." Then he snapped his head back and glared at his sister. "Wait ... why don’t you know this?"

"I do know, brother, but whoever is out there has us at a disadvantage. Even colonists might become rogues. What else is there?"

Sombr thought she was making an excuse. She still did not know how to govern a kingdom. Why had Kurin allowed his people to crown him King anyway? There had been no real kings in hundreds of years! But she had a duty to her people to learn.

He looked toward the sky again and said, "We’re wasting time! I doubt there’s anything we can do to defend ourselves, but there may be a way to negotiate."

"You’re right," said Ereflur, nodding. "I will summon the Council immediately. Will you assist us?"

"Of course—"

The air above the grounds rippled like the surface of a pond and flashed with green light. Then a large black object materialized high over the palace, large enough to blot out the sunlight. Sombr tried to determine the configuration but failed. It was long, roughly cylindrical, and covered with random green and brown ... "growths" was the only word he could summon to describe them. The surface, or what he could see of it, was porous and slimy, like the skin of a massive beast.

Both Sombr and Ereflur shot to their feet. Everything they had discussed seemed trivial—and perhaps futile—to him then.

"What ... what is that thing?" said the Queen, her voice trembling.

"Whatever it is, it isn’t Terran." Sombr kept his voice as even as possible, despite the cold tendrils curled around his heart. He had little time to wonder how it could just appear like that before more of them began to dot the sky, enshrouding their world in darkness.

In darkness. Illusio!

Large bulbous growths on the undersides of the ships began to glow—bathing the landscape in what Sombr suspected was bioluminescence. As sure as he was that Hallucien lived, he believed the invaders had a significantly, if not completely, biological technology. Those ships were alive, and something dark and malevolent occupied them; Sombr could feel it, like a vibration in the ground before an earthquake.

And he had no doubt they were invaders. Why else would an entire fleet appear over their heads with no announcement, no warning?

Aliens, he thought, straining to prevent his body from quaking.

Humans had colonized over thirty star systems since the discovery of Eldritch Mechanics, and so far no one had encountered extraterrestrial intelligence. No one except Sombr, of course, when he counted Hallucien. They had to come from very far away, whoever they were.

Ereflur’s eyes dropped and her face grew as pale as she had described his earlier. Then she attempted to smooth her dress, straightened her back, and turned her eyes toward the strange ships.

"Sombr ... we can’t fight this."

Sombr was certain that Lord Vendrehain had transmitted a distress call to Terra once the fleet appeared within the Star Core, but that did little good. Even if Terra decided to send help, which it probably would not, Sombr suspected the alien fleet was much larger and more powerful than the Terran Defense Force. There was nothing to be done, as far as he could see. Nothing could save them from this threat.

Then Ereflur did as the Children always did when confronted with impossible odds. Indeed, as they did on a daily basis anyway. She dropped to her knees, spreading her arms wide in supplication, and began to pray in that ridiculously energetic fashion to which Sombr could never grow accustomed. He knew people all over the Kingdom were doing the same, which was enough to gall him.

"Do you really believe prayer will do any good?"

Ereflur did not stop to answer him, but Sombr saw a tear emerge from her right eye and trail down her cheek. If there was little else he respected in her, she loved him and he knew it. He could not disparage that.

While she prayed, a number of large, glowing discs appeared hovering around the palace, each occupied by giant bipedal reptilian creatures whose appearance stunned Sombr. He didn’t know what he’d expected—surely nothing so recognizable. Sombr counted about twenty of the creatures, and there was variety in color. Some were blue, some red, and others green. He saw two that were brown and one yellow. They were too far away for him to make out any more details.

The one that floated in front was red. It raised its long taloned ... forepaw or hand or whatever ... as if to silence the multitude. Sombr knew that the Children would not cease their prayer to save their own lives, and he snorted. Regardless, the red alien began to speak, in a way that suggested the use of a device for enhancement and translation.

"I AM HIGH LORD FYUS, IMPERIAL PRINCE OF THE DRACON EMPIRE. BY ORDER OF HIS IMPERIAL MAJESTY NOVU, SOVEREIGN OF THE UNIVERSE, AND GLORIOUS LORD OF THE STARS, THIS WORLD, ITS RESOUCES AND ALL ITS INHABITANTS ARE NOW SUBJECTS OF DRACO. LAY DOWN YOUR ARMS AND SUBMIT TO THE WILL OF EMPEROR NOVU!"

Then Sombr remembered Hallucien’s message. He could not be sure what would happen, but it might be the Kingdom’s only chance. Kneeling beside his sister, he laid a hand on her shoulder and said, "Ereflur, I might know a way out of this."

She opened her eyes and looked at her brother. "How?"

"I learned something ... unexpected ... about Hallucien. It’s alive, Ereflur, and I spoke with it at length. It told me I could merge my mind with it and gain immeasurable powers. If I can get back to Hallucien, I’ll try it. Maybe then we can actually fight off this invasion."

"Sombr, this sounds very dangerous, if it is really possible. I don’t know..."

Sombr bit his lip to suppress the rankled reply on his tongue, then continued, "Ereflur, it’s the only way I can see. I have to try."

"But how will you get back? The aliens must have the ship immobilized, and I’m sure they’ve surrounded Hallucien’s outpost as they did the Kingdom."

"I ... don’t know, but I’ll ... figure out something. I hope."

She frowned and her eyes clouded. "All right, Sombr. I wish you Godspeed, and I’ll pray that you make it."

Sombr winced and quelled another biting reply before he could offend her. Pray all you want, sister, he thought, but I don’t believe it will help.

He nodded instead, then took off at a run through the maze. Good thing he’d been through it many times as a boy, so he knew the way. Still, he cursed his luck to be caught in the maze at a time like this.

Because he rushed, he took a wrong turn and encountered a dead end once, and nearly did three more times, forcing him to retrace his steps to the correct path. When he at last emerged from the entrance, he would have breathed a sigh of relief if he had the time. He had to reach the paved area east of the palace that served for a port on this still-developing planet. As it was, he kept pushing toward his goal.

Ereflur had said the aliens would have "immobilized" the starship. More likely they would want to destroy it, unless they decided a lone ship was not a threat. This made sense, but what he saw as he approached the port confounded him.

Starship Eranahei sat on the pavement surrounded by a glowing blue shield. Sombr knew the ship’s energy defenses were invisible, so he assumed it was the alien technology used to prevent it from flying. But when the red alien hovering over the palace spoke again, Sombr realized his mistake.

"YOU WERE ORDERED TO LAY DOWN YOUR ARMS. THE SHIELD AROUND YOUR SHIP IS AN ACT OF DEFIANCE THAT WILL NOT BE TOLERATED. DISENGAGE THE SHIELD NOW OR WE WILL ANNIHILATE YOU!"

Sombr could only wonder then who or what might have activated the shield. Certain members of the Eranahei family acting in concert might have enough power to erect a psychic shield so large, but it would also be invisible to anyone without extrasensory abilities. Which meant the "Dracons" had such talents, or someone else entirely was involved—someone unknown to both the Dracons and the Children.

Neither possibility was reassuring. The Eranaheis were only inviting retaliation if they had raised the shield. Sombr hoped no one in his family would be so foolish.