A King's Court prologue, look over please

[Damiynn]

Scrubbing a hand through sandy hair that had once been red, Aiden Farnor listened to his men grumbling over the minute things he had found wrong with their equipment during his snap inspection.

Staring out from the heights overlooking the dark waters of the eversea ocean, he smiled, remembering. He had grumbled in much the same manner before he had been made commander of Castlekeep's sentinel guard.

Black clouds obscured the moon, shrouding everything in darkness, and as hard as he tried Aiden couldn’t see much past the edge of the walls. Turning, he stared upwards into the surrounding blackness.

Was that a sound? Looking around at the other guardsmen patrolling the smooth paths on the thick walls, he tried to see if they had heard it.
His head jerked up again as if pulled by a string. There it is again. This time it was louder, more distinct.

This time he wasn’t the only one who heard it. Several other guardsmen had stopped. They were also looking upwards into the dark sky over the great keep. To Aiden's ears, the noise almost sounded like whispering voices.

All of the guards now started turning their heads, each craning his neck as if half deaf, trying to hear a whisper.
Suddenly a loud gust of wind broke over the castl and ripped away the black clouds covering the western sky.

“Morid’s black hand!” shouted a guard invoking the name of the god of death in stunned awe.“Black night!” cursed another.

Silver moonlight revealed several hundred floating black Elvynn Warships filling the night sky. They were spread out along the length of the city’s sea wall, looking like gigantic eagles about to swoop in on an easy kill.

Aiden cursed his own stupidity, he should have realized clouds weren't that thick naturally. The cloud cover had concealed the deadly ships and in another moment the massive warships overhead.

“Sound that damn alarm!” screamed Aiden, his throat clenching tight, ice filling his stomach. “Damn it!" he screamed again when he saw none of the soldiers moving. "We are under attack! Sound that damn alarm! Castlekeep is under attack!”

Several sentinel guardsmen jumped at once, scrambling, they fell over themselves in fear as they all reached for the iron bar at the same time. Finally one of them seized it and the two thousand year old bell that had never been rung began tolling. Haunting hollow tones echoed over the sleeping city, annoucing too late the impending doom overhead.

Looking up at the Elvynn warships, Aiden saw that the gunwales were crowded with bodies. Everyone armed. He knew as he pulled out his sword, it was already too late.

 

[Michael01]

Since this was so short (unlike my own posts - ), I gave it a shot. For the most part, it seems to work but I'm not good with critiques on style and storytelling ability anyway. I will say something seems a bit off here, but it may be the technical problems I'll point out. Once they're addressed, look at it again and read it aloud. That might be enough to give it what it needs.

Scrubbing a hand through sandy hair that had once been red, Aiden Farnor listened to his men grumbling over the minute things he had found wrong with their equipment during his snap inspection.

<Try "grumble." "Grumbling" seems to work when I read it aloud, but the shorter form might still be a little easier, but something in this sentence doesn't feel right and I can't really place it ... sorry.

Staring out from the heights overlooking the dark waters of the eversea ocean, he smiled, remembering. He had grumbled in much the same manner before he had been made commander of Castlekeep's sentinel guard.

<You started the first paragraph with this same structure. "Scrubbing a hand through Sandy hair," and "Staring out from the heights," give it a repetitious feel. Try to vary the sentence structure more. Also, "had been made" is passive. Maybe you could rephrase it with a more active verb? Is "eversea" the name of the ocean? If so, shouldn't it be capitalized?

Black clouds obscured the moon, shrouding everything <Try using "the keep" - or at least something more specific than "something." in darkness, and as hard as he tried Aiden couldn’t see much past the edge of the walls. Turning, he stared upwards into the surrounding blackness.

Was that a sound? Looking around at the other guardsmen patrolling the smooth paths on the thick walls, he tried to see if they had heard it.

<That makes three paragraphs, two together, that begin with this structure. Watch out for that!

His head jerked up again as if pulled by a string. <You could drop this bit and it won't hurt anything. There it is again. <Tense shift. This time it was louder, more distinct.

This time he wasn’t the only one who heard it. <You can do this occasionally, but here starting two sentences in a row with "this time" doesn't feel right. Several other guardsmen had stopped. <Stopped what? There's really nothing technically wrong here, but I'm not getting the image . This may just be me, though. They were also looking upwards <Passive verb. It might be okay here, but it's still best to use passive verbs sparingly. into the dark sky over the great keep. To Aiden's ears, the noise almost sounded like whispering voices.

All of <Don't really need it, and it's easier to read without. the guards now started turning <I suggest "to turn." their heads, each craning his neck as if half deaf, trying to hear a whisper. < I'm not sure about this. Suddenly a loud gust of wind broke over the castl <I'm thinking typo. I miss them all the time. and ripped away the black clouds covering the western sky. <Not bad. I kind of like the image here. Someone else might not, but do.

"Morid’s black hand!” shouted a guard, <I think you need a comma here. invoking the name of the god of death in stunned awe.

“Black night!” cursed another. <It isn't written in stone, but I've always thought it a good idea to start a new paragraph when another character speaks.

Silver moonlight revealed several hundred floating black Elvynn <I like the spelling. Warships <Is the cap necessary? Just wondering. filling the night sky. They were spread out along the length of the city’s sea wall, looking like gigantic eagles about to swoop in on an easy kill. <This is bugging me, but I don't know why. On the other hand, I have no room to talk ... I do this kind of thing a lot.

<Oh ... the ships fly! Very nice.COLOR]

Aiden cursed his own stupidity. <I suggest separating into two sentences or using a semi-colon. He should have realized clouds weren't that thick naturally. The cloud cover had concealed the deadly ships and in another moment the massive warships overhead. <"The deadly ships" and "the massive warships?" Is there more than one kind? I'm not following. A little clarity might help.

"Sound that damn alarm!” screamed Aiden, his throat clenching tight, ice filling his stomach. “Damn it!" he screamed again when he saw none of the soldiers moving. <Try "move." "We are under attack! Sound that damn alarm! Castlekeep is under attack!”

Several sentinel guardsmen jumped at once. They fell over themselves in fear as they all scrambled for the iron bar at once. <This is a suggestion that might work better, but I actually think you do even better yourself. Mainly, you had two independent clauses crammed into a single sentence, so they should at least be easier to read as separate sentences. Finally one of them seized it and the two thousand year old bell that had never been rung began tolling. Haunting hollow tones echoed over the sleeping city, annoucing too late the impending doom overhead. <I like this last sentence. Not bad.

Looking up at the Elvynn warships, Aiden saw that the gunwales were crowded with bodies. Everyone armed. He knew as he pulled out his sword, it was already too late.

Anyway, I'm out of time. But this wasn't bad and I wouldn't mind reading more.

 

[Boneman]

Hi Damyinn,
not half bad.... just a few small nitpicks.

Was that a sound? Looking around at the other guardsmen patrolling the smooth paths on the thick walls, he tried to see if they had heard it.
His head jerked up again as if pulled by a string. There it is again. This time it was louder, more distinct.

This time he wasn’t the only one who heard it. Several other guardsmen had stopped. They were also looking upwards into the dark sky over the great keep. To Aiden's ears, the noise almost sounded like whispering voices.

Sorry, the italics have removed your emphasis on thoughts, but I feel it should be 'There it was again'. You've said 'Was that a sound?' and then 'he wasn’t the only one' It's all written on the past tense, so the present tense bit sticks out a bit.
Also the repetition of 'This time.....' at the start of consucutive sentences couls be changed.

All of the guards now started turning their heads, each craning his neck as if half deaf, trying to hear a whisper.
Suddenly a loud gust of wind broke over the castl and ripped away the black clouds covering the western sky.

You've just said previously that several guards had stopped and were looking upward, so it's a little repetitious. Wouldn't: They all craned their necks, as if half-deaf, trying to hear a whisper. be better?

Aiden cursed his own stupidity, he should have realized clouds weren't that thick naturally. The cloud cover had concealed the deadly ships and in another moment the massive warships overhead.

Erm, I think we had discussions about giving too much detail by your narrator before, and the he should have realized clouds weren't that thick naturally is definitely too much. In fact if you cut out these words it's far better. We really don't need the comment on why he's stupid, the action (showing) does it far better.

Aiden cursed his own stupidity. The cloud cover had concealed the deadly ships and in another moment the massive warships overhead.

And the second sentence runs out...... presumably you meant to say '..... in another moment the massive warships WERE overhead.'

But as a prologue, it's short, sweet, and does hook pretty well. The menace and fear is brought over, and Aiden's fatality is shown so neatly in the final sentence.

 

[Boneman]

Sorry, as seems to be common now, we're all looking at the same work at the same time, I've repeated a bit of what Michael picked up, but at least we're consistent.....

 

[Michael01]

Another pair eyes can't hurt, I always say...

 

[Peter Graham]

Hi Damiynn,

A few comments, if I may.

You still do too much tense-jumping. We start with:-

Scrubbing a hand through sandy hair that had once been red, Aiden Farnor listened to his men grumbling over the minute things he had found wrong with their equipment during his snap inspection.

"Scrubbing" and "grumbling" then becomes

“Morid’s black hand!” shouted a guard invoking the name of the god of death in stunned awe.“Black night!” cursed another.

Silver moonlight revealed several hundred floating black Elvynn Warships filling the night sky. They were spread out along the length of the city’s sea wall, looking like gigantic eagles about to swoop in on an easy kill.

Aiden cursed his own stupidity, he should have realized clouds weren't that thick naturally. The cloud cover had concealed the deadly ships and in another moment the massive warships overhead.

"Cursed," "concealed" etc. Basically, you change your choice of past tense. Then, in the middle of it all, you drop into present tense (although this might just be a typo):-

His head jerked up again as if pulled by a string. There it is again.

"There it was again..."

It's possible that you have done this to underline dramatic tension, in which case, you need to italicise (as you have done before in this passge when you are referring to an internally vocalised thought). But either way, keep tense use consistent. I'd go with the straight past tense and lose all the "turning", "grumbling" etc - for one thing, use of this tense structure has a tendency to force use of the passive voice, which is best avoided.

Secondly, you have a tendency to drop out of character p.o.v in order to info dump explanatory dialogue. You can get away with a certain amount of this, but:-

Aiden cursed his own stupidity, he should have realized clouds weren't that thick naturally. The cloud cover had concealed the deadly ships and in another moment the massive warships overhead.

is a bridge too far. That second sentence could be kept in character p.o.v by the additon of "he realised", but quite frankly, you don't need it at all. It is fairly obvious what has happened and I'd guess that the character would be feeling panic at the sight of his doom and wouldn't be spending too much time rationalising how it had all happened.

All of the guards now started turning their heads,

Wouldn't "all the guards turned their heads" be better, given you aren't actually describing what happened only at the instant they start turning.

“Sound that damn alarm!” screamed Aiden, his throat clenching tight, ice filling his stomach.

Ice? Or an icy grip/feeling?

Several sentinel guardsmen jumped at once,

Unless "sentinel guardsman" has a particular meaning over and above normal guardsman, this is tautology - unnecessary repetition. And if it is a rank, you should capitalise it.

Regards,

Peter