Wizard Marshall need look over thanks,

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Damiynn

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I am a fantasy author, who has traveled the world.

Jashra Mollon pushed back the open end of his knit tweed coat, revealing the aged oiled leather of the crossdraw rig that he wore slung low on his left hip. The reversed holster showed the curved butt end of the pistol. The yellow brown sandalwood gleamed softly, reflecting back the overhead light from the street posts.

For a brief moment the wizard marshall considered whether or not he should pull out the large iron but decided against it. He knew the man holed up here.

"Minor," He called out in a loud, friendly sounding voice, "this isnt worth the fight your going to get if you keep this up. Why don't you just toss out your weapon and surrender and come out with your hands up."

Nothing. No sounds came forth from the old ramshackle farmhouse that had seen much better days, a long long time ago. For a moment, Jashra thought the old man might have fallen asleep. Then a heavy clanking followed by a rattle that sounded like someone tripping over a pot bellied stove filled the air.

"Isss that you Marshal Mollon," called out a reedy voice from near one of the house's broken wondow panes, "Iiis is not going anywhere, Iiis did nothing wrong."

Jash shook his head in exasperation and aggrevation.
Minor sounded like he had really tied on tonight.

"Them mens, marshall, they had it coming. They needed someone to shut their mouths for them. They shouldn't have been speaking so bad to the ladies."

Jash turned, looking back at the two local lawmen accompanying him and said jovially, "He claims he did nothing wrong gentlemen."

The two locals shook their heads. Disbelief could be seen clearly in their eyes. The older of the pair eyed Jashra's badge and said, "He killed two of those seven men he claimed he did nothing to.
"And he cut the other five within an inch of their lives with that knife of his," put in the second local
The second lawman's eyes glowed hotly and Jash saw his hand tighten around the pistol grip of his sidearm until his grip was white knuckle hot. It was apparent that the two men who had been killed must have been acquaintances of his.

"He also killed the third," growled the second lawman, "with an electrical glyph that turned him to dust and ash..there wasn''t even any boots left."

"And the witnesses said it was in self defense," put in the first lawman with a pointed look to his partner that caused him to remove his hand from his sidearm.

"Well," Jashra said, listening to their words, "that we have two sides of a story and I have only heard one. Watch my back, I am going to hear the other side.

"Marshall," asked the first local, "did you hear what we said about him and the magic? He might still have a few glyphs left and that knife of his cut through metal as easily as butter."

Jashra waved a dismissive hand, "Me and Minor go back a few days, he might want to kill me at times but he knows better." Stepping out of the circle of gas light, Jashra waved his hand over his badge, watched the glyph under it take shape and headed out towards the ramshackle house.
 
At the first it sounds like they are close to Minor's house but at the end it sounds like the marshall has to travel a bit to get there, feels disconnected.

Don't know if it was meant as a funny or not but the "...go back a few days..." in the last paragraph dumped on me as it didn't make sense, maybe days to years?
 
Nice frontier-ish style !

Um, I'd stop to talk at shouting distance, too. Perhaps 'headed out across the untidy yard towards...' would read better ?

I've not seen that 'go back a few days' expresssion before, but it sorta fits. Or 'go back a-way', 'go back a few beers', whatever.
 
Hi, Damiynn. Thanks for showing us more of your work. This piece really caught my eye, whereas I had a little trouble with the other. This story has some really cool ideas going for it and I would definitely keep reading.

Here's just a few thoughts for you to consider:

Jashra Mollon pushed back the open end of his knit tweed coat, revealing the aged oiled leather of the crossdraw rig that he wore slung low on his left hip. <Don't need "that" here. Try reading it aloud both ways. The reversed holster showed the curved butt end of the pistol. The yellow brown sandalwood gleamed softly, reflecting back the overhead light from the street posts.


For a brief moment the wizard marshall considered whether or not he should pull out the large iron but decided against it. He knew the man holed up here.

"Minor," He called out in a loud, friendly sounding voice, "this isnt worth the fight your going to get if you keep this up. Why don't you just toss out your weapon and surrender and come out with your hands up."

Nothing. No sounds came forth from the old ramshackle farmhouse that had seen much better days, a long long time ago. For a moment, Jashra thought the old man might have fallen asleep. Then a heavy clanking followed by a rattle that sounded like someone tripping over a pot bellied stove filled the air.

"Isss that you Marshal Mollon," called out a reedy voice from near one of the house's broken wondow panes, "Iiis is not going anywhere, Iiis did nothing wrong."

Jash shook his head in exasperation and aggrevation. <Both "exasperation" and "aggrevation" seems awkward.
Minor sounded like he had really tied on tonight. <Is there a word missing? I'm sorry, but I don't understand what you mean in this line.

"Them mens, marshall, they had it coming. They needed someone to shut their mouths for them. They shouldn't have been speaking so bad to the ladies."

Jash turned, looking back at the two local lawmen accompanying him and said jovially, "He claims he did nothing wrong gentlemen."

The two locals shook their heads. Disbelief could be seen clearly in their eyes. The older of the pair eyed Jashra's badge and said, "He killed two of those seven men he claimed he did nothing to.

"And he cut the other five within an inch of their lives with that knife of his," put in the second local. <Typo. :) Can't always help that. I'm also glad you used the plural "lives." I've seen "their life" so many times it's nauseating. Nice.

The second lawman's eyes glowed hotly and Jash saw his hand tighten around the pistol grip of his sidearm until his grip was white knuckle hot. <The repetition of "grip" here might be okay, but I'd try it another way myself. It was apparent that the two men who had been killed must have been acquaintances of his. <"That" can be cut.

"He also killed the third," growled the second lawman, "with an electrical glyph that turned him to dust and ash ... <You missed one period and you need spaces around an ellipsis (unless it's at the end of a sentence). there wasn't <Typo. even any boots left." <Electrical glyph? Interesting!

"And the witnesses said it was in self defense," put in the first lawman with a pointed look to his partner that caused him to remove his hand from his sidearm. <Witnesses said what, exactly, was in self defense? All the lawmen say is Minor killed and injured a bunch of people, so it looks like this lawman says Minor did it all in self defense - which I don't think is your intention.

"Well," Jashra said, listening to their words, <You might not need this. "that we have two sides of a story and I have only heard one. Watch my back, I am going to hear the other side." <Two independent clauses here. Would be better as either two sentences or separated by a semi-colon.

"Marshall," asked the first local, "did you hear what we said about him and the magic? He might still have a few glyphs left and that knife of his cut through metal as easily as butter." <I really like this!

Jashra waved a dismissive hand, "Me and Minor go back a few days, he might want to kill me at times but he knows better." <Independent clauses again. Stepping out of the circle of gas light, Jashra waved his hand over his badge, watched the glyph under it take shape and headed out towards the ramshackle house.

You have five adverbs in here. This is such a short excerpt I'd be inclined to say one is too many, but that's probably just me. In any case, it's best to use adverbs as rarely as possible in fiction. Try writing out the descriptions the adverbs hide.

I didn't notice any passive verbs this time, so you're definitely improving.

Again, this piece was really cool. Love the way it seems like a fantasy set in the American Old West. Keep it up, and good luck!
 
"Minor," He called out in a loud, friendly sounding voice, "this isnt
isn't
worth the fight your
you're
going to get if you keep this up. Why don't you just toss out your weapon and
I'm not going to tell you how your characters talk, but if that hadn't been dialogue I'd have used a comma here rather than the doubled "and"
surrender and come out with your hands up."

broken wondow
grins "wando", if he's a wizard?

Minor sounded like he had really tied
one?
on tonight.

Jash turned, looking back at the two local lawmen accompanying him
comma
and said jovially, "He claims he did nothing wrong
comma
gentlemen."

put in the first lawman
comma
with a pointed look to his partner


"Well," Jashra said, listening to their words, "that
why "that"?
we have two sides of a story and I have only heard one

Do his buttons go up to eleven? I only really put in the corrections to show I'd read it.
 
pistol grip of his sidearm until his grip was white knuckle hot. <The repetition of "grip" here might be okay, but I'd try it another way myself.

I'd change that second grip to "knuckles turned white" or "fingers turned white". Grab something and hold tightly, you'll see what I mean.

knife of his cut through metal as easily as butter."

A run of the mill lawman would probably say "knife of his cut through metal like butter". Minor quibble I know but an educated person would say "as easily as".

It's a good piece. I like the mash-up of frontier-ish cowboy/lawman thing and magic/wizards.
 
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