Erth, finished second chapter need review on first

[Damiynn]

I just finished the second chapter on this, but wanted to make sure I hadn't missed anything on the first. Like I said in thirty minutes I catch my plane so might not be able to respond for a few days but would appreciate any return comments


Erth
By
A.V. Wedhorn

Chapter 1

Jariss knew sweeping his hand back over his shaved head that he didn’t have to fear any ridition poisoning in the devastated city. New Yark, like the rest of Erth’s major cities, had been destroyed by tomics over a thousand years ago. Right now, he was afraid of a different danger inside the city’s limits.

Mage hunters, a particular nasty band scouring the rubble strewn streets of the outer limits searching for him.

“Black night!” he cursed as a ball of fear filled his stomach, leaving him weak kneed. Why did I allow Lyle to talk me into teleporting into this ancient dead city? I should have known better than to go searching for the hidden. What in the hell was I thinking?

Suddenly what was left of his mage sense tingled and he jerked his body sideways.

Mortar exploded where his head had been. A shower of stones pelted him as he narrowly avoided being hit by yet another hunter’s magical blast.

Damnit, they have me trapped. Looking around Jariss saw nowhere else left to flee. He had been evading them for hours but now he was almost out of magical energy and options. Scanning the remains of the ruined streets around him he didn’t see anywhere that he could run to that wouldn’t keep him from being flushed out into the open.

“Bomblast!” he cursed, reaching the end of the buildings. I’m done for. Behind him, he could hear the mage hunters scurrying footsteps growing closer.

A soft hiss filled the air off to his left. “Damn outdweller! If you have any magic left, cast an illusion of yourself running out of the buildings and get your ass down here! The illusion might buy a little time before they circle back around.”

Wide eyed, Jariss spotted what appeared to be a man’s head hiding in the shadows of a blown apart sewer duct just wide enough to possibly let him slide in.

Using what was left of his ability, he wove a sketchy illusion of himself and sent it running out of the buildings. As it ran, he threw himself headfirst towards the low duct.

Howls of glee filled the night as the illusion moved across the open expanse. These were followed by a vast array of colored explosions. Huge chunks of earth exploded in geysers around the illusion as it ran down the street.

Jariss saw none of it as he scraped his way into the low hole.

Emptiness surrounded him as he fell, then he crashed heavily onto the bottom. The rock strewn tunnel floor made his teeth rattle as he hit.

A rough skinned hand grabbed the collar of his shift and yanked him roughly onto his feet.

“Come on! We have to get the hell out of here before they come back around!” said the voice in the shadows. He thought it was a man, but when the hand had grabbed him, he swore he felt talons on the back of his neck.

Dodging debris he followed close behind the man draped in what appeared to be several large burlap sacks.

“Didn’t they teach you a god damn thing outdweller in your camps before they sent you into the city to find us?”

Jariss started to answer but the moving man cut him off with a growl. “The least should’ve been that mage hunters can track you when you use your magic, fool!”

“I am a neo apprentice, almost done with my studies, I came here on my own,” retorted Jariss hotly. “No one sent me!”

The man in front of him jerked to an abrupt halt. Spinning back to face him, Jariss saw his face twist up in anger.

“You weren’t sent here by Valine?”

“No. I came on a dare from a friend.”

“Oh for Creest sake!” shouted the man, his hand smashing into the wall of the rocky tunnel so hard that it cracked the stone.

Jariss saw he had been right. The man had claws, he could see them and a scaly muscular arm.

Eyes blazing, the thing shouted, “Valine was supposed to send help! Damn her! All we have received is three wizards who shouldn’t have been allowed here, who managed to get themselves killed on the streets above! And now a damn Neo! I should have let you die out of sheer stupidity.”

Jariss eyed the other man quizzically when he heard his teacher’s name and that she was supposedly sending wizards into New Yark. It couldn’t be. He had served as her apprentice for almost three years and had not heard a thing of this.

 

[Blackrook]

This is pretty damn good. I want to read more. I could really picture the action.

I will make a few comments, but don't forget that I really like your story.

You almost lost me with the first sentence. I would break it up into two sentences that are easier to read:

Jariss swept his hand back over his shaved head. He knew he didn’t have to fear any ridition poisoning in the devastated city.

I like the way you changed some of the words to show that English has changed, but you only do it in the first paragraph. After that, it's all standard English.

The story would be more fun if you give street names and identify where exactly in New York the hero is. Tell us your hero is running down 42nd street and has reached the intersection with Fifth Avenue. Use real buildings, like the New York Stock Exchange or St. Patrick's Cathedral. Most Americans are very familiar with New York and are used to such specifics.

It kind of threw me for a loop that the hero went into danger on the dare of a friend. A hero should only go into danger when absolutely necessary to save a life, rescue someone, or accomplish an important mission. People will identify with a hero who is reluctant to go into danger more than a hero who volunteers for it, even if there is a worthwhile goal. A hero should never go into danger simply on a dare.

Finally, I would change "magical energy" to "mana".

Keep up the good work!

 

[Boneman]

Yeah I liked it too. And I agree with Blackrook about the first sentence, it reads very awkwardly, otherwise. I'm not bothered about street names and places, but then I've never been to New York. One thing I do disagree with Blackrook on is this:

By Blackrook
A hero should only go into danger when absolutely necessary to save a life, rescue someone, or accomplish an important mission. People will identify with a hero who is reluctant to go into danger more than a hero who volunteers for it, even if there is a worthwhile goal. A hero should never go into danger simply on a dare.

99% of books I've ever read has exactly this scenario, and I'm delighted that you've hit on something different, it's refreshing, and I'm now hooked, intrigued by the 'thing's' response, and with Jariss. What kind of idiot is he, and how's he going to get out of this? His character arc is going to be ten times more interesting that the 'standard' heroes enumerated above. I kinda hope that Jariss is going to succeed where the three wizards didn't and will end up as a true 'hero', with incredible growth along the way. Don't change it.

 

[The Pelagic Argosy]

I also really enjoyed it!

I would like a vivid description of what the ruins of New York look like. Has any vegetation or animal life taken over since the "ridition" poisoning? However...

The story would be more fun if you give street names and identify where exactly in New York the hero is. Tell us your hero is running down 42nd street and has reached the intersection with Fifth Avenue. Use real buildings, like the New York Stock Exchange or St. Patrick's Cathedral. Most Americans are very familiar with New York and are used to such specifics.

I think street names would be long forgotten after a thousand years. The ruins of a cathedral could be an excuse to say something about changed attitudes toward religion (now that there are mages.) Or there could just be ordinary objects littering the streets: rusted out hulks of cars, subway tokens, computer hardware, kitchen utensils, etc. And maybe their uses are comically misinterpreted. Anything made of paper, of course, would have disintegrated long ago. (I'm just assuming that New York was destroyed circa the 21st century. Don't know why.) But for heaven's sake, don't have the Statue of Liberty's head poking out somewhere.

I would also like to know what Jariss looks like, beyond the shaved head. What is he wearing, etc? I assume he's young, since he's a neo apprentice. The illusion spell might be a good point to include this description.

 

[Damiynn]

Damn just when I was going to put the statue of Liberty's head on the new yark central library I get told not to. Thanks everyone, I will take into consideration what you have all written. Religion, its funny you mention that because it will have something to do with future chapters

 

[Damiynn]

Im glad someone else caught the non regular hero, thought Iould try something different

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

A couple of points :-

I just finished the second chapter on this, but wanted to make sure I hadn't missed anything on the first. Like I said in thirty minutes I catch my plane so might not be able to respond for a few days but would appreciate any return comments


Erth
By
A.V. Wedhorn

Chapter 1

Jariss knew sweeping his hand back over his shaved head that he didn’t have to fear any ridition poisoning in the devastated city. New Yark, like the rest of Erth’s major cities, had been destroyed by tomics over a thousand years ago. Right now, he was afraid of a different danger inside the city’s limits.

Mage hunters, a particular nasty band scouring the rubble strewn streets (not unless someone has been employed to conserve them as they were were a thousand years ago. They would be overgrown and barely descernable after fifty years or so) of the outer limits searching for him.

“Black night!” (this is a bit tame for a expletive you can use real words in the critiques) he cursed as a ball of fear filled his stomach, leaving him weak kneed. Why did I allow Lyle to talk me into teleporting into this ancient dead city? I should have known better than to go searching for the hidden. What in the hell was I thinking?

Suddenly what was left of his mage sense tingled and he jerked his body sideways.

Mortar exploded where his head had been. A shower of stones pelted him as he narrowly avoided being hit by yet another hunter’s magical blast.

Damnit, they have me trapped. Looking around Jariss saw nowhere else left to flee. He had been evading them for hours but now he was almost out of magical energy and options. Scanning the remains of the ruined streets around him he didn’t see anywhere that he could run to that wouldn’t keep him from being flushed out into the open.

“Bomblast!” he cursed, reaching the end of the buildings. I’m done for. Behind him, he could hear the mage hunters scurrying footsteps growing closer.

A soft hiss filled the air off to his left. “Damn outdweller! If you have any magic left, cast an illusion of yourself running out of the buildings and get your ass down here! The illusion might buy a little time before they circle back around.”

Wide eyed, Jariss spotted what appeared to be a man’s head hiding in the shadows of a blown apart sewer duct just wide enough to possibly let him slide in.

Using what was left of his ability, he wove a sketchy illusion of himself and sent it running out of the buildings. As it ran, he threw himself headfirst towards the low duct. (liked the idea of this ruse)

Howls of glee filled the night as the illusion moved across the open expanse. These were followed by a vast array of colored explosions. Huge chunks of earth exploded in geysers around the illusion as it ran down the street.

Jariss saw none of it as he scraped his way into the low hole.

Emptiness surrounded him as he fell, then he crashed heavily onto the bottom. The rock strewn tunnel floor made his teeth rattle as he hit.

A rough skinned hand grabbed the collar of his shift and yanked him roughly onto his feet.

“Come on! We have to get the hell out of here before they come back around!” said the voice in the shadows. He thought it was a man, but when the hand had grabbed him, he swore he felt talons on the back of his neck.

Dodging debris he followed close behind the man draped in what appeared to be several large burlap sacks.

“Didn’t they teach you a god damn thing outdweller in your camps before they sent you into the city to find us?”

Jariss started to answer but the moving man cut him off with a growl. “The least should’ve been that mage hunters can track you when you use your magic, fool!”

“I am a neo apprentice, almost done with my studies, I came here on my own,” retorted Jariss hotly. “No one sent me!”

The man in front of him jerked to an abrupt halt. Spinning back to face him, Jariss saw his face twist up in anger.

“You weren’t sent here by Valine?”

“No. I came on a dare from a friend.”

“Oh for Creest sake!” shouted the man, his hand smashing into the wall of the rocky tunnel so hard that it cracked the stone.

Jariss saw he had been right. The man had claws, he could see them and a scaly muscular arm.

Eyes blazing, the thing shouted, “Valine was supposed to send help! Damn her! All we have received is three wizards who shouldn’t have been allowed here, who managed to get themselves killed on the streets above! And now a damn Neo! I should have let you die out of sheer stupidity.”

Jariss eyed the other man quizzically when he heard his teacher’s name and that she was supposedly sending wizards into New Yark. (Unlikely the place name would stick after a thousand years when it has been uninhabited ) It couldn’t be. He had served as her apprentice for almost three years and had not heard a thing of this.

Has potential liked it.

 

[Susan Boulton]

Just a suggestion, delete the first two small paragraphs. They are not really needed, as this "telling" is explained further on to better effect. Readers will catch on pretty quick to where and when your character is.

Start your Chapter at "Black Night" Though I agree it is a bit tame. It's what I call "Black Adderish" using other words as swear words for effect. When, actually, just putting the swear words stops the dialogue from sounding stilted and somewhat forced.