Looking for Critique on my Synopsis.

[LeeHarris]

When Alexis woke up one morning, she had no idea that she would be thrown headfirst into a struggle for dominance that had been raging for the better part of two millennia. Little did she know that her long lost love, the man named Xander whom she had fallen for, three years earlier was a 2300 year old ancient Greek.

With events spiralling out of control, Alexis and Xander try to escape to safety, but they are not only being pursued by the ancient Covenant who want her dead because of the risk she will pose should she ever be turned into an immortal, but also by the Illuminati, who would welcome her gifts and protect her.

Neither side had really paid any attention to the other signs which were brewing, and could lead to a catastrophic war and the death of millions of innocents. Will the two sides be able to settle their differences and work together against the threat? Or will they destroy each other in the ensuing struggle?

Thank you for your time, this is the first time I have ever really written anything over 3-4000 words, and I've recently finished the second draft of my 91'500 word novel thats a very different take on immortality.

 

[Yeoman]

Hi Lee, I have never critiqued before, but I hope I can still be of help.

Little did she know that her long lost love, the man named Xander whom she had fallen for, three years earlier was a 2300 year old ancient Greek.

I would remove the comma after 'fallen for', and put a comma after 'earlier'

With events spiralling out of control, Alexis and Xander try to escape to safety, but they are not only being pursued by the ancient Covenant who want her dead because of the risk she will pose should she ever be turned into an immortal, but also by the Illuminati, who would welcome her gifts and protect her.

Erm, gosh. Quite a large sentence there.

Perhaps a full stop after 'safety', then...
"They are not only being pursued by the ancient Covenant; who want her dead because of the risk she poses, but also by the Iluminati; who would welcome her gifts and protect her."

Neither side had really paid any attention to the other signs which were brewing, and could lead to a catastrophic war and the death of millions of innocents.

I'd be inclined to get rid of 'other', swap 'and' with "that", and alter the end to "the deaths of millions."

Will the two sides be able to settle their differences and work together against the threat? Or will they destroy each other in the ensuing struggle?

I think I'd remove 'against the threat'.

Well, it sounds very interesting to me, and congrats on the wordcount.

Yeoman,

 

[Boneman]

Hi Lee, welcome to the chrons. That's what I like, a short piece of writing......

As a synopsis, it works well, an agent could read it while he was waiting for his call to the babysitter to connect. I think the hook could be stronger if the first sentence was shortened and the crux of the story was the first thing that hits us, rather than:

When Alexis woke up one morning, she had no idea that she would be thrown headfirst into a struggle for dominance that had been raging for the better part of

Feels like a waste of precious words to say all that, and then I get confused because you say he's her long-lost love so how can they try to escape to safety? They're not together, are they?
I struggle terribly with my own synopses, so I might not be the best person to make suggestions, but how about a quicker hook into what might be important in the story?

"An Ancient Covenant wants Alexis dead, and her only hope might be the Illuminati who seek to protect her. Her mysterious companion Xander might be her path to safety, but as the hunt for them intensifies, portents that have been hidden for two millenia begin to appear, and point to a war that will kill billions. Can the Covenant and the Illuminati be brought together to prevent the catastrophic upheaval that could destroy them all?"

Okay I've exagerated the amount who might die, but I thought it might ramp up the tension if it's a world-threatening thing....Is it? You could change what I've put if it's completely ridiculous to your story, but by holding back more information ( her being immortal, him being 2,300 years old, the battle for dominance of two millenia etc) it might just excite enough curiosity for a reader to want to know more..... Of course my synopsis sounds a bit like 'The Da Vinci Code' meets 'Highlander' and that worries me a little that it might bear no resemblance to your story. But it should stimulate some thought.....

 

[HareBrain]

Hi, this seems very short even for a synopsis and I think it might do with some careful expansion.

Neither side had really paid any attention to the other signs which were brewing, and could lead to a catastrophic war and the death of millions of innocents. Will the two sides be able to settle their differences and work together against the threat? Or will they destroy each other in the ensuing struggle?

I think you need to be clearer about this other "threat" - you've left it completely vague and it took me a couple of reads to work out that it was separate from both the Covenant and the Illuminati.

I've heard that you should avoid these back-cover-blurb-type questions (will they? won't they?) in a synopsis sent to an agent. You should actually outline what happens at the end, rather than leave it hanging. You need to show that you know how to bring the story to a satisfying conclusion.

Good luck with it - I know from experience how hard a good synopsis is to write.

 

[LeeHarris]

thank you all for your replies it has helped me quite a lot.

and yes your right about the hook, my hook is this: Have you ever felt an Adrenaline Rush? Have you felt it build up in your body and the feeling of elation? and then it goes onto the synopsis

When Alexis woke up one morning, she had no idea that she would be thrown headfirst into a struggle for dominance that had been raging for over two millennia. Little did she know that her long lost love, the man named Xander whom she had fallen for three years earlier, was a 2300 year old ancient Greek. As he finally returned to her it set them both on a course which could lead to the deaths of both of them.

With events spiralling out of control, Alexis and Xander try to escape to safety. but they are not only being pursued by the ancient Covenant who want her dead because of the risk she might pose , but also by the Illuminati, who would welcome her gifts and protect her.

Neither side had really paid any attention to the signs that were brewing, that could lead to a catastrophic war and the death of millions of innocents. Will the two sides be able to settle their differences and work together against their mutual enemies from both of their pasts? Or will they destroy each other in the ensuing struggle? Alexis might hold the key to their mutual survival

thanks for your help, hopefully this latest draft is a bit better. and i think it should have cleared up a few uncertain points such as the threat as well as the first paragraph about Alexis and Xander

 

[BSCVadhan]

When Alexis woke up one morning, she had no idea that she would be thrown headfirst into a struggle for dominance that had been raging for the better part of two millennia. Little did she know that her long lost love, the man named Xander whom she had fallen for, three years earlier was a 2300 year old ancient Greek.

With events spiralling out of control, Alexis and Xander try to escape to safety, but they are not only being pursued by the ancient Covenant who want her dead because of the risk she will pose should she ever be turned into an immortal, but also by the Illuminati, who would welcome her gifts and protect her.

Neither side had really paid any attention to the other signs which were brewing, and could lead to a catastrophic war and the death of millions of innocents. Will the two sides be able to settle their differences and work together against the threat? Or will they destroy each other in the ensuing struggle?

Thank you for your time, this is the first time I have ever really written anything over 3-4000 words, and I've recently finished the second draft of my 91'500 word novel thats a very different take on immortality.

Hi,
I have been writing and rewriting my synopsis now for more than a year. So here goes.

What you've done is attempted a teaser. In my opinion, a synopsis of the book has to be an overview of the storyline, which by itself should drive your agent/ publisher to read the sample chapters/ chapter synopsis and finally the manuscript.

I can only relate to how I structured the synopsis of my book.
First, you need to give the background of the story in about three to five lines. (In my case, that there were fourteen worlds of power which sustain and control all of creation and that earth is the seventh of the fourteen worlds and all fourteen planets were now in danger because Earth was becoming unsustainable and imbalanced, thereby throwing creation into jeopardy).

Then introduce the danger posed by the antagonists, in your case, the Covenant. Alexis is in danger, agreed, but from whom, why? what happens if she turns immortal, why is it so earth shattering? give a hint. e.g. "They thought they knew the consequences for them if she were to become immortal". In my opinion, the illuminati are inconsequential because they support Alexis and Xander, unless they have an hidden agenda.

End it with the questions and a little bit about the making of the book. The legends or myths that you relied on, the pace of the book, the characters in it and most importantly its USP, which, in your case, is the different take on immortality.

These are just my thoughts, hope they are useful to you.
All the best,
BSCV

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

OK may have missed the boat here but who knows every little helps :-

Please don't read this and be discouraged. Now I thought the overall picture was of a promising fast paced tale of daring do. I have only picked at it (and of course you may disagree entirely with what I've said) in order that you can review what the publisher may think as he is reading it. DONT get disheartened this is an iterative process that you must stick with.

When Alexis woke up one morning (a bit once upon a time -ish or woke up this morning, der der da dum), she had no idea that she would be thrown headfirst (well headfirst seems a bit much, thrown into is enough) into a struggle for dominance that had been raging for the better part of two millennia (trouble here - better part of two mellenium yet our hero is 2300 years old I bet he gets involved before his 400th birthday). Little did she know that her long lost love, (she met him 3 years ago lost him and now he's back hardly long lost love more like a one night stand) the man named Xander whom she had fallen for, three years earlier was a 2300 year old ancient Greek. (no he isn't an ancient Greek he's very much a contemporary Greek)

With events spiralling out of control (cliché), Alexis and Xander try to escape to safety, but they are not only being pursued by the ancient Covenant (is this The ancient covenant or are they one of many) who want her dead because of the risk she will pose should she ever be turned into an immortal (well presumably they would have to do this so where's the threat unless old Xander has the power in which case they are too late), but also by the Illuminati (tomb raider film), who would welcome her gifts and protect her (if she has something special it could be worth a mention of what it is in a synopsis, even if its the mysterious ability yet to be uncovered).

Neither side had really paid any attention to the other signs which were brewing, (signs don't brew -signs indicate something is happening, of themselves signs are just that, signs. IE you can have signs of impending doom but it wont be the signs that are the impending doom - hope that makes sense ) and could lead to a catastrophic war and the death of millions of innocents. Will the two sides be able to settle their differences and work together against the threat? Or will they destroy each other in the ensuing struggle?

Thank you for your time, this is the first time I have ever really written anything over 3-4000 words, and I've recently finished the second draft of my 91'500 word novel thats a very different take on immortality.

Now I'm no synopsis writer so I don't know what publishers are looking for in one. However it seems to me that if this is to get a publisher interested (rather than the back cover of the book) then you'll need a lot more meat on the bone.

Hope I helped

 

[JDP]

Hi Lee, I think that BSCV has hit the nail on the head here - this reads more as a teaser than a synopsis. I synopsis is a (much) abbreviated retelling of the entire story (showing plot, tone, protagonists etc.). Rather than just trying to inspire someone to read it, it should let an agent or publisher know what actually happens in the novel.

I might be wrong, but you could well use this teaser in your covering letter, as that's where you're really trying to hook someone into reading through your submission.

 

[LeeHarris]

i'll have a think, its going to be a royal pain to get it all compressed into a few paragraphs but thank you for all your help, you have all made some very good points

 

[chopper]

as an exercise, see if you can compress the events or meaning of each chapter into one sentence. if you can successfully do that, and place that after a brief intro duction to the world & characters as suggested by BSCV above, you're just about there for a synopsis. you do also, however, have to let an agent know if this is the first of a multi-part work - and how soon the next parts might be due for delivery (given that a current minor trend seems to be publishing entire trilogies bam-bam-bam over the course of 3 months - cf Brent Weeks)

 

[Boneman]

Lee, looking back at what I offered, I think I did a rubbish job. In my defence I assumed you neeeded a two paragraph synopsis, so worked on that. I did an exercise once where I had to write my synopsis in 25 words, 150 words and 900 words. You'd think the 900 one was easier, wouldn't you? No way......

Also, I think we should canvass opinion on the 'hookability' of a synopsis ie the vexed question of whether you can have a question, as yours did. I'm convinced that American Agents like it, but I also accept that maybe that bit should come in your query letter......But I think a short, snappy synopsis could still have the hook, but I'm open to persuasion.

it's called 'sitting on the fence....'

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

I agree with those who say that a synopsis should tell a story (in brief). Yours doesn't; it just sets up the situation and then poses a lot of questions. A synopsis is a very different animal than the back cover copy that a publisher uses to sell a story to a reader. Cover copy is meant to tantalize, while a synopsis is meant to convince an agent or an editor that you can construct a plot. In this case, you are demonstrating that you don't know the difference, when you really need to show that you have done your homework and that you do understand. Rather than piquing that hypothetical agent or editor's curiosity with all your questions, you are actually giving the impression that your story is still very much up in the air and that it may not, in fact, offer any clear resolutions.

So my advice is to cut the questions and give a clear, understandable capsule description of your plot and characters.

Thank you for your time, this is the first time I have ever really written anything over 3-4000 words, and I've recently finished the second draft of my 91'500 word novel thats a very different take on immortality.

No, no, you want to sound thoroughly professional, even if you haven't been published yet. When I read that, it sounded to me like you were saying, "This is my first time writing a novel, so please make allowances." But an agent or an editor doesn't want to make allowances. And two drafts of a first novel isn't very many. This also makes it sound like you are still learning. Of course you wouldn't want to lie about your experience, but you shouldn't be emphasizing your lack of it, either.