Linda

[Michael]

Here’s a revision of the first chapter of my book, The Defiler’s Rule: Pure Intensity. I have tried to maintain the perspective of one character throughout the chapter, weed out awkward repetition and use of flowery language, and otherwise simplify most of the text to make it easier to read. I hope I succeeded.

Please, if you happen to see any more like the above examples or other problems, let me know.
For anyone who is interested, you can find the prologue at my Web site: http://home.comcast.net/~spacepubs/rmspacemaster.html

PURE INTENSITY

by

Michael Southard

I.FEAR

Linda




THURSDAY, NOVEMBER 7, 1996

Linda Caldwell did not believe that Kirk was a bad person; if she did, she would not have dated him. He looked like a sad clown as he stood waiting for her to explain why she refused to attend the Harvest Dance with him. She did like him—a little. She tried hard to like him more but her friends pressured her too much. The last time they went out, he had made such an ass of himself—which only served to prove everything Jane and Candy said about him. Defending him became a full time job.

Linda did not know what to do. Kirk Levinston was a geek, pure and simple, but she did not have the heart to tell him that. So what could she say?

Kirk stared persistently at his girlfriend.

"You really don’t want to go?" he said.

"No," said Linda, shamefully. "But Kirk, please, it’s just that I’ve . . . well . . . I need time."

Kirk waved his hand and replied, "Okay, I understand. There’s no need to say anymore."

"Really?" she said, as she held her books tighter to her chest and peered nervously down the hall toward her friends—Jane Matheson and Candy Berkshire.

Jane and Candy giggled at each other in anticipation, and this apparently gave Kirk the wrong idea.

"Yeah," he said to Linda, as he shot a suspicious look in the direction of the other girls. "Yeah, I get it."

"What’s that supposed to mean?"

Kirk fumed jealously, "It means I get it, all right?"

Although Linda liked him, she could not let him talk to her that way. "No, it’s not all right. Go away, Kirk! I don’t want to see you at all anymore." Then she turned around to walk away.

"Linda?"

At first, she paused at his regretful tone but then thought better of it and persevered.

"Linda, please," he called again. "I’m sorry. I really am."

She cautiously returned to him this time and asked, "Are you?"

"Yes," he said weakly. "No hard feelings?"

"No . . . no hard feelings. What about you?"

"I’ll be okay. Could I have . . . one last kiss . . . just to say good-bye?"

Linda debated this for a moment until she recalled that he was a good kisser.

She smiled and said, "Okay, but this doesn’t change anything."

Reaching over to touch her arms, Kirk planted his lips on hers for what Linda hoped was the last time.

~*~

Candy gave Linda a curious glare as they walked to their next class, which they both shared, and interrogated her.

"I thought you were going to break up with him?"

The question irritated Linda. "I did."

"That was a great way to do it," Candy persisted.

As the girls wandered through the hall, the bell that signaled for them to take their seats rang. The knew they were late but they did not hurry.

"Huh?" Linda grunted in bewilderment to Candy’s comment.

"She means," said Jane, "why did you kiss him like that? Are you crazy? He’ll make you remember it forever."

Candy was blunt. "Yeah . . . he’s got it for you bad, Linda. All you did was stoke the fire."

"Oh, come on," said Linda. "It was just a friendly kiss."

"A ‘friendly kiss?’ You’re joking, right? It didn’t look like that from here. Linda, you can’t do that!"

Nodding her agreement, Jane continued, "Especially with geeks like Kirk."

Linda halted then and exclaimed, "Uh-oh. Don’t look now, but I think we’re in trouble."

The girls ignored Linda’s advice and looked anyway, which was only natural. The halls were clear now except for the three friends and Assistant Principle Brungart—who stood less than ten feet away with his hands on his hips.

"****," said Candy under her breath.

"Well, I’ll be damned," said Mister Brungart, as he scrutinized them. "If it isn’t the three best students of 1996 standing alone in the hall, five minutes late for class and looking as if they’ve been struck by lightning. What’s the problem today, ladies? Are you doing so well you thought it wouldn’t hurt to miss a class or two?"

None of them seemed to find the words to answer. They knew they were caught and that there was no way out of it. Linda stood in silent astonishment with her mouth agape, Candy huffed in displeasure, and of course Jane tried to object; yet, none of these reactions helped.

"Look," he sighed, "I’m only going to say this once. I know you’re all nice young ladies who never get in trouble, but don’t let me find you out here again. I won’t be so lenient next time. Now get to your classes before I change my mind."

~*~

Jane and Linda strolled through the halls of Putty Hill Senior High toward the cafeteria. While they walked, they looked for Candy and discussed the earlier confrontation with Mister Brungart.

"It was outrageous of Mister Brungart to let us go like that, wasn’t it?" Jane avowed to her friend.

Linda veered in Jane’s direction and giggled.

Then Linda noticed a young man as he passed in the next hall that seemed oblivious to everything. It seemed that nothing was worthy of his observation; yet, his presence commanded attention—even in the mob that surrounded him. Linda found it nearly impossible to divert her eyes. He was not very tall, but his movements were elegant and his muscles defined beneath the white short-sleeve shirt. Linda immediately caught the way his dark eyes gleamed in the dim light of the corridor.

"Oh, my God," she muttered helplessly—as if she had lost control of her inhibitions. "Jane, who is that?"

After a moment, Jane seemed to realize whom Linda indicated through her uncultivated gaze. "Oh, him? He’s hot, isn’t he?"

Linda grinned and began to feel desires that were alien to her nature. "God, yes! Who is he?"

"I’m not sure . . . I think his name’s Doug, or David . . . or something."

"Let’s follow him."

"No way!" Jane cried.

"No, I’m serious. Come on."

"Okay. Have it your way."

They followed the young man through the cafeteria doors. He disappeared in the crowd for a moment and they almost lost him. This only increased Linda’s intrigue. She tugged on Jane’s arm and pulled her closer.

"He’s getting away!" said Linda. "Come on!"

Dragging her friend along, Linda pushed by several people until she found her quarry. He entered the line three people ahead and she became even more excited.

"Stop pulling me," Jane whined.

"I’m sorry," said Linda, "I just want to see where he’s going."

"You know, Charlene told me he’s on the track team, so I went out to see him one day during practice. He is so athletic! You should have seen him run around the track, Linda. He’s beautiful."

Linda began to swoon. "Oh, God, tell me more!"

Jane looked concerned about Linda’s actions and reprimanded her. "No way! You haven’t even met the guy and you’re already as red as an apple."

"Am I really?" Linda said, embarrassed, as she reached in the ice bin for white milk.

"Yes. I mean, you just broke up with your geek boyfriend but as soon as someone really hot passes by you go crazy!"

"You’re right. Maybe I should take it easy, huh?"

"You’d better. For someone as prudent as you, you’re starting to sound like a nymphomaniac."

"Great, I hope not," Linda responded dismally as they left the line to search for a table. She decided to give up the chase. "Oh, look, there’s Charlene!"

They carried their trays over to their friend Charlene and took two seats beside her.

"Hi, Char," said Jane. "What’s up?"

"The sky," Charlene said, shaking her long, curly brown hair. There was a flash of boredom in her brilliant sea-blue eyes. "There’s nothing interesting around here anymore."

Linda swooned again as she watched the young man sit down at a nearby table. In a trance-like drone, she said, "Except for him."

"Linda," Jane warned her friend, but it was useless.

"Char," Linda began when she snapped out of her trance, "you were on the track team last year, right?"

"Linda," Jane pressed. "You’re getting carried away."

"What’s she talking about?" Charlene demanded.

"Nothing," said Linda, and waved in dismissal. "How do you get on the track team?"

Charlene said, "Just go down to the gym after school and sign up. Why?"

Jane jumped in with the answer. "She’s going nuts over that guy over there. She stared at him and wanted to follow him, for God’s sake. I tell you she’s losing it, Char. We’ve got to help her."

But Charlene sounded enthused. "Really? What are you planning to do?"

"I want to meet him," Linda replied.

"Great! I think joining the track team is a perfect way to start. Why don’t you try out this afternoon? I’ll take you down there myself, since I’ve got cheerleading practice anyway."

"Oh, thank you, Char! I’m forever in your debt."

"You’re both crazy," said Jane.

Linda ignored her. "Charlene, do you know him? What’s he like?"

"He’s quiet," Charlene explained. "No one really knows him. I’d say there was something strange about him if he didn’t have such an animal attractiveness. If you want to know the truth"—(her voice dropped to a whisper)—"I have wet dreams about him."

Linda was genuinely surprised. "Charlene. And I thought you were a good girl."

Charlene yawned. "****, I’m tired of being a good girl. Everybody gets the urge occasionally. I’ve been getting it more often lately. Soon enough, Jeff might find that out the hard way." Jeff Masterson, quarterback for the Putty Hill Lions, was Char’s boyfriend for more than a year.

"Your high school sweetheart?" Jane scoffed. "Not me—no way. I’m saving myself for the day I get married. I swear, Charlene, you sound worse than Linda—after all we’ve been through—"

Linda understood that Jane referred to a time when they all, including Candy and some other girls, had talked about making serious religious commitments. As they grew older, they realized that they could not stand the thought of losing their freedom.

"I don’t think about it much, either," Linda confessed. "Who needs the hassle? You go to bed with the wrong guy and you end up getting hurt."

Charlene grinned, evidently not caring about the consequences or about their "childhood aspirations." "You can’t expect everything to work out the way you’d like. What can I say?"

~*~

 

[Michael]

~*~​

​

Linda dropped Jane off at her house after practice and cruised home in her blue 1995 Dodge. It was traditional for them to ride together and they usually did.

Another tradition they shared was staying together. When Linda joined the track team, Jane reluctantly went along with her. Candy signed up too, out of sheer curiosity (she was dying to see what transpired between Linda and David). They all seemed enthralled by the strange young man.

Linda passed the road where she often made her turn. Something compelled her to keep going—to drive farther than normal. An intuition, maybe? When she reached Simms Avenue, the feeling increased in intensity. She turned onto it to satisfy the eerie gnawing in her stomach.

As she drew closer to the house marked 9320, she saw someone alone behind it. Whether or not she knew the person was difficult to tell. First, it appeared to Linda that the person performed an unusual dance. Then she realized that it was martial arts.

The dancer moved with the stealthy grace of a lion. When she saw this, Linda felt a sense of foreboding, as if the intuition that led her here had grown claws to slash at her throat. She accelerated past the house to escape her fear.

At last, Linda turned left on Magledt Road and followed it around the hill that led to her home. She pulled into the driveway of a beautiful stone house next to a 1987 Cadillac. As she turned off the engine, she heard a loud bumping and scratching on the side of her car—followed by a resonant bark.

"WOOF! WOOF!"

Damn you,Duke, she thought, do you have to scratch up the paint job?

Her sister Suzanne tried to pull Duke, their bull terrier, away from the car by his leash—a troublesome project. "Duke, stop it!" she yelled.

Duke seemed uninterested in obedience.

When Linda got out of the car and walked around to the other side, Duke pinned her to the vehicle. He licked her and wagged his short, stubby tail in welcome.

"I’m sorry, Linda," said Suzanne. "I tried to hold him, but you know how uncontrollable he is when he gets excited."

Linda smiled and replied, "It’s okay." Then she pushed Duke away. "Get down, boy! Get down!"

Duke obeyed reluctantly and crawled back to Suzanne with a whimper.

Investigating the damage to her car, Linda saw four deep, vertical scratches on the passenger side door.

That’s going to cost a mint to get it repaired, she mused. Where can I get that kind of money?I don’t want to borrow anymore from Mom and Dad;I’ve borrowed enough as it is.

Suzanne looked at Linda then and asked, "Why are you getting home from school so late?"

"I tried out for the indoor track team," said Linda.

"Why’d you do that? You’ve never been the athletic type."

Linda smiled and moved her right hand to cover it. "Wouldn’t you like to know?"

"Oh, I get it. You met some cute guy today and decided to ditch your nerdy boyfriend."

"You got it, sweetheart. I broke up with Kirk this morning."

"That’s right. You have wanted to since that last date. Didn’t you say that he behaved like a retard?"

Frowning, Linda replied, "I said he acted like a jerk, not a ‘retard.’ You know how I hate words like that. What’s Mom and Dad up to, anyway?"

"Dad’s watching the news, as always, and Mom’s doing the dishes so she can get dinner ready."

"Oh, what a drag! It was my turn to do the breakfast dishes today. She’s probably upset with me for not coming home on time."

Elaine Caldwell made breakfast each morning but it was up to the girls to wash the dishes since she and Carmine worked full-time jobs.

Suzanne’s smile disappeared. "You bet she is. You better hurry."

"What’s she cooking, anyway?"

"Eggplant Parmagiana. Doesn’t it make your mouth water?"

Linda had to swallow to prevent an attack of the giggles.

"Get outta here," she said as she ran toward the door. When she got there, she whisked herself inside and called out, "Hi, Mom! Hi, Dad! I’m home!"

As Suzanne had said, Carmine laid back in his recliner drinking a beer and watching the news. He looked at Linda with a ray of fatherly admiration.

"How’s my girl?"

"Fine, Daddy," said Linda. "And how are you?" She edged in closer and kissed him on the forehead.

He hugged her in return for the kiss and replied, "Good, good. Say, why don’t you see if your mother needs a hand with anything? Believe me, she wants you to." He winked at her.

"Okay."

Today more than any day, washing dishes would be a real chore. The truth was that Linda found it hard to concentrate on anything since she had seen the boy David at lunch. On her way to meet her mother in the kitchen, this seeming obsession returned. It covered the exigency that had strangled her during the drive home and forced its way through the wall of prudence she had built to suppress illicit desires. Even when something else did find its way into her mind, thoughts of David—and how sexy he looked in his track uniform—immediately intruded.

Linda realized then that she fondled her breasts absently, and she stopped herself.

What’s happening to me? she wondered. I’ve never been like this before.Oh,Lord,I hope my father did not see that.

It was something that she did not normally do, even in the privacy of her own room or the shower. This behavior, it occurred to her, did not suit a "good Catholic girl." For that matter, Linda disapproved of other young girls for similar conduct. Any other time she discovered herself exuding sensuality, a cold chill scourged her spine and a wave of nausea seized her stomach. This had to be one the oddest experiences in her life.

She glanced over her shoulder at Carmine. The world and local events that flashed on the screen had his complete attention. Exhaling with sudden relief, she moved through the kitchen archway.

Linda approached her mother and said, "Hi, Mom. Can I help?"

"Sure," Elaine said. "You can dry the dishes when I pass them to you."

"Okay," Linda droned softly, as she received the stoneware plate that her mother handed her. She grabbed a towel that hung from a loop on the wall and started to dry the plate.

"You seem preoccupied today," Elaine commented. "Is something wrong?"

"No," she said, although not positive of the truth behind it. "I saw this guy today, and I can’t stop thinking about him. You know what I’m trying to say?"

"I think so, darling. What happened to Kirk?"

"I broke up with him, Mom. Today, as a matter of fact."

Elaine looked surprised. "Oh? Why did you do that? You’re father and I both like him; he’s a nice boy." Water splashed in the sink as she scrubbed a frying pan with a scouring pad.

"Come on, Mom. Since when does Dad like any guy Suzanne or I go out with?"

"Well, he liked Kirk. Dad never told you because that’s his way, but he let me know how he felt about Kirk on several occasions."

"Kirk is a nice guy, Mom, but he’s also a geek."

Linda’s mother glanced at her reproachfully and said, "That’s not a nice thing to say about anyone. Besides, it’s up to you to decide who you like—not us. The only time we’ll intervene is if you somehow get involved with a psycho or a pervert."

Linda knew her mother was not completely earnest and she laughed. She tried to stop long enough to say, "Oh my God . . . Mom! What kind of girl do you think I am?"

Then her father shouted from the living room, "Will you keep it down in there, please?"

Mother and daughter flashed wayward grins to each other, but Elaine quickly became serious.

"Let’s just say that I don’t want you to get in trouble, young lady—if you understand me."

Linda knew exactly what Elaine referred to and responded with urgent purpose. "No way. Not me. I don’t want the problems that come with the territory."

~*~​

FRIDAY​

, NOVEMBER 8 ​

​

At seven forty-five in the morning, Linda drove into Putty Hill Senior’s student lot and parked on the side farthest from the building.

A small thicket lined the property between the school and the single homes beyond. She opened her window and drew a breath of fresh morning air.

Sometimes autumn daybreaks are stunning,she thought.

Over the constant sounds of car doors slamming, heels clicking on pavement, and the occasional rising cadence of teenage voices, she heard birds twitter in a nearby tree. Beyond that, she imagined the soft rustle of the stream that wound through the grove.

Jane had not come today because of an alleged illness and her mother had taken her to see a doctor. Mrs. Matheson said that Jane had a fever and had vomited all night. In Linda’s opinion, her best friend had contracted the usual case of biology exams.

Linda reached for her books on the passenger seat and placed them on her lap. She stared semi-consciously toward the tree where the birds sang, which was about five feet to the left of her car. Shortly thereafter, her awareness altered, pulling her into a dreamy trance. A disturbing and vivid memory of an event that had occurred by that tree manifested in her daydream.

(Why were you doing it, anyway?Why were you KISSING her?)

A memory of a horrid experience, particularly for Suzanne . . .

(Hey,baby,I can kiss whoever the hell I damn well please.You see a ring on my finger that says I belong to you?)

. . . but also for Linda, who had remained in Suzanne’s car and watched helplessly as Suzanne’s ex-boyfriend backhanded her.

(Damn you,asshole!You made a commitment to me. You said you loved me,that you’d . . . oh, God,I hate you!)

Suzanne had found Ted making out with a cheerleader named Darlene. Darlene was known affectionately by the male element of the student body as "Dishin’ Dar," referring to her reputation for promiscuity. In other words, she was a bimbo, which is exactly what Suzanne had said to her after she pulled Ted and the girl apart from their lustful embrace. Darlene had stormed away toward the school, but Ted had turned as red as Su.

(Bitch! Who do you think you are?)

Linda made a vow that day never to date a person who would treat her with disrespect and without sensitivity—as Ted had with Suzanne.

(I’m your ******* girlfriend . . . that’s who I am!)

At that moment, Linda saw someone leaning against a tree about fifty yards to the right. The person stared directly at her without moving; otherwise, she might not have noticed. Then she forgot about Ted’s assault on her sister and returned the gaze of the mysterious admirer—until she realized who was there.

It was David, the object of her newly developed and strange desires.

(Finished, but . . . wow! That is so cool! I'm glad you guys can automatically censor like that. Sorry I forgot.)

 

[Chimeco]

This isn't exactly my cup of tea. But it was written well enough to get me to the end of what you posted (I admit I skipped over the last bit).

If this is a sci-fi story, you may want to drop a few hints that something strange is about to happen in the first few pages you've posted, to reassure the reader. Otherwise, I can tell you it was well written, and flowed excellently.

I had a couple issues with the story itself.
Lindas family seemed straight from that movie Pleasantville. I would suggest giving them a healthy dose of real life dysfunctionality. If she's a teenager, chances are she'd be scrapping with her bratty sister, and rebelling in "some" direct or indirect manner from her parents. Things were just a little too kosher.

However, I found the "teenagey" characterization was done superbly. I felt sick just reading about how mindlessly ditsy these girls seemed.

That's about all I have to say really. Like I said, it's not my cup of tea, so hopefully someone else will critique you that's more into this type of story.

 

[Michael]

Thank you, Chimeco.

If this is a sci-fi story, you may want to drop a few hints that something strange is about to happen in the first few pages you've posted, to reassure the reader. Otherwise, I can tell you it was well written, and flowed excellently.

It's a dark fantasy, which is close enough under the circumstances. I hope that I have this part covered with the prologue. I'm not sure but it does at least introduce the "strangeness" in the story.

Lindas family seemed straight from that movie Pleasantville. I would suggest giving them a healthy dose of real life dysfunctionality. If she's a teenager, chances are she'd be scrapping with her bratty sister, and rebelling in "some" direct or indirect manner from her parents. Things were just a little too kosher.

I don't know, but I may also have some of this covered. The first chapter is merely an intro to Linda, so it does not reveal everything about her family. The truth, however, does come out later.

However, I found the "teenagey" characterization was done superbly. I felt sick just reading about how mindlessly ditsy these girls seemed.

Thanks again, Chimeco. I had hoped that it wasn't too much. On the other hand, Linda is actually quite intelligent, so I also hope that I did not distract too much from other things about her personality--which also come out later.

 

[adamapple76]

Really though, the book itself, stands strongly enough that if you choose to edit it later, fine,b ut I am anxious to see more of THE SERIES

 

[Michael]

Hmm. I definitely appreciate that "adamapple 76." It sounds like you've read it, and since I can still count the number of people who have on one hand, I am extremely happy to hear from you. If I am correct, how did your film go? I'd like to see it.

Anyway, I shall hopefully not disappoint you, since I have 50,000 words to the sequel plus another 10,000 on a related work--6000 of which I'm trying to publish as a short story called "Hex Moon." However, I'm attempting to republish the book traditionally under a different title now that I've finished the rewrite, so I've been submitting queries to agents. So far I've contacted about ten agencies, two of which asked for part of the manuscript. Both rejected in the end, but I know this is only the beginning. Still waiting to hear from the agency of my most recent query.

I don't regret having to change the title either. I can't republish "The Defiler's Rule Rule: Pure Intensity" of course, since I haven't sold nearly enough, but now I don't want to. I thought of it as a challenge to come up with something I might like better, and I think I did.

EDIT: If you're interested, I have earlier thread here called "Just a start" which is the beginning of a story about a Hunjan Scout, and one of the major characters of the two related series.

 

[MoonLover]

I found the story somewhat dull and superficial so far. It wouldn't keep me turning the pages, so to speak. There is very little, or no, scene or character description to help build the images in my mind as I read. For example, who exactly is Linda? How old, what does she look like, what insights can you give the reader about her that might explain how she might react to a situation? For me as a reader, Linda didn't interet me because I learned next to nothing about her. Her conversations were properly uninteresting for a teenager, but is it necessary to put the reader through every minute detail if it's not relevant to the story? For example, the conv. with her parents, including "you can dry the dishes as I pass them to you" (does she need to have dishdrying explained to her?). Sorry if I'm being too picky. This is the first time I've critiqued anyone's work on this site, and now I think I should have started with something I liked more! Anyway, it's an honest opinion. Don't throw anything at me, please!
Karen

 

[Michael]

That's no problem, MoonLover. I welcome any and all opinions because it helps me to improve my work.

Hmm. Good thought. Dunno. Really, I think I used that ("drying dishes") only as a transition to introduce a little foreshadowing (the "psycho" thing). It might work better if I find a way to revise it. But I did want to establish Linda as somewhat "typical" and "good" in the first chapter, so that kind makes for an uninteresting character in the beginning I guess. She goes through some profound changes in the book, however, which I think helps to improve her character. She is not at all like other characters I've created because I usually opt for someone who is sort of an "outsider" as the heroic figure in a story. The person who later visits her in visions, for instance, becomes a central character in the sequel and he is really an "outsider."

In the published version, on the other hand, the text jumps from one POV to another, which was how I had introduced her appearance in the first chapter originally (from another character's POV). In the revision, a more detailed description comes in following chapter instead, which is from David's POV.

I had thought that at least an approximation of her age was apparent, though, since I refer to her as a senior in High School. Guess I may need to make this point more clear immediately.

I'm glad the prologue is fairly strong, since the responses I've had to this chapter have made more weaknesses apparent than I thought were there. Honestly, I'm not sure how much more revision I will do before I submit the manuscript to a professional editor, so until then many of these weaknesses may remain. Overall, I still think it's a good story, but if the first chapter doesn't work that could be a problem.

Thanks again for the input.

 

[MoonLover]

You're welcome. I don't consider myself as a writer, so my critique is soley that of a potential reader. You're right in that the bare bones of the story are probably quite good, but for me, I need more 'meat' on those bones! I'll look forward to seeing what the final production presents like. Good luck and keep up the hard work.
Karen