Stargen Chronicles: Chapter One (Part 1)

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Blackrook

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Chapter One

Altar Boys

William’s ho-hum morning of altar service was rudely interrupted when he saw the princess. She was, of course, very beautiful.

But that’s not the first thing he noticed.

The first thing he noticed was all her freckles. He had never seen a girl with so many freckles.

The bright red hair was the second feature. Too red to believe.

Then he noticed the impossibly white skin. Everyone else on Artania was bronze from the hard desert sun. Not her.

Then he saw her face. Her face was impossibly beautiful.

Which made sense. She was a princess.

He lost all sense of time and space. He could not move. He could not breathe. He could not take her eyes off her. He was paralyzed, like a man entranced by a magic spell. He was sailing through white clouds over a deep blue sea. There were no seas on the world he lived on, Artania. Artania was parched and dry, a desert world where water was rationed carefully. William had never seen the sea, except in tri-vis.

“William!”

From somewhere very far away he heard a voice.

“William!”

He ignored the voice and kept sailing in the clouds. A finger and a thumb grabbed his left ear and pressed down hard, twisting slightly to maximize the pain. The spell was broken.

The hand holding William’s ear hostage belonged to Father Murphy. The old priest’s face was red with fury. “William Callahan! What’s come over ye!”

William’s feet found the floor again. He was in St. Christopher’s Cathedral in New London. Colorful red flags, splashed with golden lions hung from the arches – the Artanian royal coat of arms. Rows of bishops in robes and pointed hats were seated to left and right. Thousands of people were in the pews, straight ahead. There was a choir, seated behind his back. What were they singing? Ave Maria.

Why was he here?

Ah, yes. A Confirmation Mass. All the bishops of Artania had come. The King was here, and all his court. The Prime Minister, nearly all the members of Parliament, most of the territorial governors, and numerous VIPs packed the cathedral. Why? Ah, yes, it was her Confirmation, and that was a big deal.

Children were kneeling before William at the communion rail, giving him quizzical looks. Father Murphy pulled him along roughly by the ear and planted him in front of the next child in a long line of children – a boy with gray eyes. The boy looked mildly amused, almost smiling, but not quite. He was William’s age, slightly bigger than the eighth-graders on each side. He must be in ninth grade, just like William. Who was he? William knew all the boys in his neighborhood but had never seen this boy before.

“The paten!” whispered Father Murphy furiously, his face still a bright shade of red, “lift the paten!”

The paten? What was that? This gold plate on the end of a stick?That must be it.

He lifted the paten and placed it beneath the boy’s chin.

The boy winked at William, which irritated him. He jabbed the paten into the boy’s throat, not enough to hurt him, but hard enough so he’d know it was on purpose.

Father Murphy pretended not to notice. “Body of Christ,” said the priest, holding up the Communion wafer.

The boy, still recovering from the blow to his windpipe, barely choked out “Amen” and took the wafer on his tongue.

Father Murphy moved on to the next boy. William was quick with the paten, not wanting another ear twitching.

He was too fast. The paten rammed the boy in the throat so hard he gasped out loud.

Father Murphy’s face turned a brighter shade of red, but again pretended not to notice.

“Body of Christ.”

The boy was wheezing loud enough to be heard from the first three rows of pews. He couldn’t speak, but did manage to stick out his tongue for the wafer. William was glad he was in a crowded cathedral, with thousands of witnesses, because that was the only reason Father Murphy was not walloping him about the head right now.

The boy with gray eyes gave William a hard look that meant trouble. He quietly returned to his pew, outwardly calm. But William had no doubt the boy was plotting some terrible revenge. He was glad his second victim was a smaller eighth-grader who could not possibly cause him trouble.

The first group of children had left the communion rail and the second group knelt down. She was one of them, on the very end, just right of the center aisle. A position of importance -- of course. She looked like she was William’s age – probably a ninth-grader. Williams vaguely remembered hearing his mother talking about the “scandal” that the princess had not received Confirmation at the proper age last year. His mother cared very much about such things. She was very religious, and went to Mass every day. William was going to be a priest, his mother said, she had it all planned out. Apparently William had no say in the matter.

He looked at the beautiful girl with red hair and freckles and very much did not want to be a priest. She was wearing a white dress, and a white veil. She looked like a young bride in her white Confirmation dress. William decided right then and there that she would one day belong to him, princess or no. He would marry her, he would build a castle for her and they would rule their own kingdom, when they were grown-ups of course.

Father Murphy and William were working down the aisle of kneeling children, giving them communion, but William was watching her and not paying attention to what he was doing, so two more boys got jabs in the throat with the paten. William’s vision became hazy except for a tight circle around her face, which was sharp in focus. He memorized every detail. Finally, she was kneeling before him, impossibly close. William held the paten up beneath her chin. The paten trembled in his hands. His whole body trembled. He was losing control of every function in his body.

“Body of Christ,” said Father Murphy.

Like a porcelain angel, the red haired princess closed her eyes, lifted her face to heaven, and stuck out a tiny tongue.

William dazed out into the pews with a stunned expression, his fingers going limp. The paten fell to the marble floor of the cathedral, making a loud clatter that could be heard all the way to the back row. A young priest rushed forth from the shadows, grabbed William by the ear and led him out of the cathedral. William was too far gone to care that the eighth graders in the front pews were snickering. He was in an impossibly green grassy meadow, just him and the princess, running hand-in-hand, barefoot in the grass. He didn’t ever want to leave.

The desert world of Artania did not have a single meadow. Green meadows were a dream of Earth, many, many lightyears away. William had never seen one, except on the tri-vis.
 
Re: Stargen Chronicles: Chapter One

As an explanation, the characters seen conversing in the Epilogue are now reintroduced as ninth graders. Also introduced is the third character of my trio, the princess. We see the princess through the eyes of a moonstruck boy. Later, William will discover that reality is very different from his fantasy ideal of what a princess should be.
 
Hi, Blackroot ...

He could not take her (his) eyes off her.

William was quick with the paten, not wanting another ear twitching.(twisting?)


He was too fast. The paten rammed the boy in the throat so hard (that?) he gasped out loud.

because that was the only reason (why?) Father Murphy was not walloping him about the head right now.


The first group of children had left the communion rail and the second group (were about to kneel down?).


Williams vaguely remembered.

Apparently(,) William had no say in the matter.

She looked like a young bride in her (white ... already mentioned) Confirmation dress. William decided right then and there that she would one day belong to him, princess or no. (not?)


Father Murphy and William were working down the aisle of kneeling children, giving them communion, but William was watching her and not paying attention to what he was doing (delete all the red?), so two more boys got jabs in the throat with the paten.


William’s (His) vision became hazy except for a tight circle around her face, which was sharp in focus. (sharp and focused?)


William (He) held the paten up beneath her chin. The paten (It?) trembled in his hands

Like a porcelain angel, the red(-)haired princess closed her eyes, lifted her face to(wards) heaven, and stuck out a tiny (dainty?)tongue.


He was (seemed to be losing? It felt like he was losing?) losing control of every function in his body.

The paten fell to the marble floor of the cathedral, making a loud clatter that could be heard all the way to the back row (perhaps you should explain how he knows this, or delete it?)

A young priest rushed forth from the shadows, grabbed William by the ear and led him out of the cathedral. William (He?) was too far gone to care that the eighth graders in the front pews were snickering. (sniggering? Or is that US equiv'?) He was in an impossibly green grassy meadow ...


Mostly suggestions.


I like your style/voice, and the story, a lot :)

 
Thanks for your suggestions Robby.

How about this:

"The gold plated paten fell to the marbled floor of the sanctuary with a clattering sound that echoed about the vaulted walls of the cathedral, startling the assembled worshipers out of prayerful mediation. William barely noticed as hundreds of grown-ups and children turned their eyes towards him, quizzical looks (and a few frowns) on their faces."
 
Father Murphy grabbed the two altar boys by the collar and pulled them apart. Their white and red robes were torn and covered with Artanian desert dirt from rolling around on the ground. Clouds of dirt were still drifting upwards from their scuffle. Both boys had scrapes on their faces and knuckles. They were still trying to get at one another, despite Father Murphy. A crowd of altar boys were gathered around, egging them on.

“Jesus, Joseph and Mary!” the old priest shouted in his thick Irish brogue, “You two are makin’ a disgrace of yerself on the princess’ special day! What would you do if she came out an’ saw this spectacle!”

William stopped fighting at these words, but the boy with gray eyes kept going. He finally stopped after Father Murphy gave him a good whack on the back of the head.

“What is all this about, William?” Father Murphy turned on him. “Why are you fighting with the new boy?”

“Look at him!” yelled William. “He stole altar boy robes! I’m teaching him a lesson!”

The altar boys shouted encouragement: “Teach him a lesson! Teach him a lesson!” They were outraged at the gray-eyed imposter.

“No, William. The monsignor allowed it. Walter has been studying to be an altar boy even as he was taking his Confirmation classes. He wanted to be an altar boy on this special day for the princess, if only for the tail end of the Mass.”

“It’s not fair!” said William. “He got to carry the crucifix out! Not fair!”

The altar boys shouted again. “Not fair! Not fair!”

“Don’t talk about fair, William, or I’ll give you a paddlin’ ye not be forgettin’ til the day the Lord takes ye!”

“Well it’s not!”

“What do you know about fair?” said Father Murphy. “Ye got a ma and a pa! Walter donna have either! The Church is all he has! Shut yer mouth about fair!”

“Just the same…”

“Hold yer tongue, William, I’m warnin’ ye fer the last time!”

William finally shut up, encouraged gently with another ear tweaking.

“And you!” Father Murphy turned to the boy with gray eyes, now known as Walter, “What’s your excuse?”

“He poked me in the throat with the paten!” said Walter. “He did it on purpose!”

“I saw that!” said Father Murphy. “But I also saw you egg him on with that rascally wink of yers. Don’t be stirrin’ up trouble or you’ll be gettin’ it -- especially with William.”

“But…”

“But nothing, Walter. Yer the new boy. Try to make friends with the other boys instead of stirrin’ up trouble. You’ll save yerself a lot of grief.”

“But…”

“Enough!” said Father Murphy with a tone of finality. “I have half a mind to ground all ye here for the rest of the day, but yer needed for the royal ball to celebrate the princess’ Confirmation. Go get your uniforms from the church hall! Move!”

“What are we needed for?” asked a boy named Gregory, a good friend of William’s from school.

“Yer needed to be pages. They need extra boys for the ball.”

“What does a page do?” asked another boy.

“They do what they’re told! Now get to the church hall and stop yakking! Yer late as it is! Go!”

The boys started moving towards the hall. Father Murphy held William back.

“William, me boy, we need to talk.”

“Yes, Father?” asked William, bracing himself for the worst. Father Murphy hadn’t walloped him yet for his strange behavior during Mass.

But Father Murphy had a gentle tone. His anger was gone as fast as an Artanian desert storm.

“William, yer a leader. The other boys look up te ye.”

William knew it was true, but said nothing. He wasn’t sure where this was going.

“Make friends with the new boy, Walter. He just got off the boat from Earth. He hasn’t any parents, he hasn’t any family, he hasn’t any friends. The Church is all he has. But he needs more than that. He needs a friend. If you make friends with Walter, the other boys will take yer lead and make friends with him too.”

“But Father, he…”

“No buts, William. Ye got off on the wrong foot with Walter, but yer gonna fix it. I don’t want to hear otherwise.”

“But…”

“I said no buts. Make friends with Walter or I’ll be talkin’ to your ma.”

Father Murphy had his attention. William’s mother could do more with a disappointed look than Father Murphy could ever do with the most vigorous walloping.

“I’ll try…”

“William, I’ve known ye since the day I baptized ye as a wee babe,” said Father Murphy. “Once you set yer mind on doin’ something you do it, and nothin’ gets in your way. Set yer mind on makin’ friends with Walter and ye’ll get it done. Understood?”

“Understood.” William set his determined mind on a new goal: make friends with the new kid, even it meant walloping him first.

“Good,” said Father Murphy, settling it. “Now get yerself to the church hall, clean up, and put on yer uniform. The transport is leavin’ in five minutes, with or without ye.” The old priest pushed the boy off in the right direction and headed off to the priory for a well deserved shot of whiskey.

William sauntered to the church hall at a measured pace. He wasn’t really interested in going to a boring royal ball and was hoping he would miss the transport. It was a bright sunny Saturday morning, and he could think of much better ways to spend the day. Then it occurred to William that the beautiful red haired princess would be at the ball. He would see her again, and maybe, if he worked something out, he might catch her alone and talk to her. What was her name again? She was in on the tri-vi every day. Artania, named after the desert world her father ruled from his big palace on the Ramses River. Artania. They called her the Red Princess. William decided right then and there that red was his favorite color. Artania, the Red Princess.

William began to pump his legs, pulling off his altar boy robes along the way. He must be on that transport. But first he would have to use soap to clean the desert dust off his face and hands. Girls, especially princesses, liked it when you looked and smelled clean. For this special occasion, William would even wash behind his ears.
 
Blackrook, did the two excerpts follow straight on from each other or was there something in between? The second one didn't come with any explanation.

This is very readable and well-written, and an interesting follow-on from the prologue. The points I'm going to make are probably more to do with personal taste than anything, but there's something about your style that reads, to me, like an adult telling us what's going on in a child's head, rather than a viewpoint from inside the child's head. I'm not really "there"; I feel too distanced from William to really sympathise with him, even though the story is enjoyable to read and I like the humour with the paten, whatever that is (I'll look it up later but I got the gist). There's something almost too precise about the language (maybe this is what you want, I don't know). I feel almost as if you're writing from Father Murphy's POV, even though you're relating William's thoughts etc. Does that make any sense?

The other thing is the setting/culture. Sci-fi stories inevitably have something in them of the time they were written. But rather than being a blend of 2009 and the future, this feels more like a blend of 1950 and the future. There's nothing actually wrong with this, in fact it's quite interesting, and it might be entirely intentional - but in case it wasn't, I thought I ought to point out that's what I got from it.

Just to repeat, those are my impressions. They might not be anyone else's. I certainly wouldn't worry about them until you've got more feedback.

Two other points. You mention that the princess is "very beautiful" in the first paragraph and then "impossibly beautiful" in the sixth - felt a bit much to me. And lastly, you call William's altar service "ho-hum" but then reveal that all the bishops and the king is there - would he really feel it to be ho-hum even before he sees the princess?
 
HareBrain, you make some interesting points.

You're right about the "ho-hum" altar service. That's a mistake which I need to fix.

The adult POV is intentional. Recall from the Epilogue that this is the confession of an old man, so he would take adult pov of his childhood crush on the princess and his fistfight with the boy who would become his best friend.

As another explanation, this is not a young adult's book. I plan to quickly move the characters to an older age.

Another explanation is that perhaps, I am unconsciously imitating one of my favorite authors C.S. Lewis, who makes it clear that the narrator is a grown-up and has a grown-up pov.

As a final explanation, I am 42-years-old, I have three children of my own, and I tend to take a grown-up pov towards children.

Your comment about the story seeming like something out of the 1950's is on point. Yes it is. That was intentional on my part.

We used to act like civilized people. Gentlemen would stand up in the presence of ladies. Children would say "sir" and "ma'me" to grown-ups. Gentlemen wore suits and ties. Ladies wore nice dresses. The purpose of civilized behavior is to show respect, towards yourself, and others.

Is it unthinkable that hundreds of years in the future, there would be a world where people rediscover the advantages of civilized manners?

The Catholic Church I portray is pre-Vatican II, and for the same reason. The pre-Vatican II liturgy and traditions of the Catholic Church gave God the respect he was due. People today go to church dressed like beach bums.

Yes, I am a "dinosaur".
 
This is the third and last section of Chapter One: "Altar Boys":


It was something out of a fairytale.

A fairytale castle, a fairytale ball, a fairytale princess. There was a lawn with real grass. A pond, with real flamingos. There were even palm trees, transplanted from Earth. Around the grounds and in the house, were statues of Greek gods from antiquity. The altar boys snickered and pointed. The statues at St. Christoper’s had clothes on. Statues of naked people were something new and very unexpected. The statue of the chubby baby boy peeing into the fountain was especially hilarious. Walter rolled his eyes at the other boys. He was from Earth and had seen it all before.

Father Quinn, a young, dark-haired and very handsome priest from St. Christopher’s, frog-marched the boys to the back of the palace to the servant’s entrance. The boys felt very awkward in their page uniforms, which included a “girly” red tunic topped with a lace collar and lace at the ends of the sleeves, a red “Robin Hood” hat with a big yellow feather, bright yellow “pantyhose”, and red “elf shoes” that curled up to a point at the end. The altar boys swore a blood oath to never tell any of the other boys at school that they were forced to dress in these ridiculous costumes. They would never live it down for a thousand years.

A stern looking woman named Mrs. Brass met Father Quinn in the castle’s giant kitchen and took charge of the boys. It wasn’t long before the fun of being in a castle was forgotten as they were now at the beck and call of every grown-up in sight. The boys were required to run on their errands, as walking was not nearly fast enough, but they were also required not to spill anything, bump into anyone or knock anything over. What made things worse was the arrogant attitude of the permanent pages, older boys who bossed them around and made it their business to make things especially miserable.

It wasn’t long before the altar boys figured out that the older boys would generally be blamed for it whenever anything went wrong. They started playing pranks to take revenge. Gregory dumped a whole box of sugar into a punch bowl when no one was looking. The altar boys were pleased when a nasty fellow named Antoine was put in the kitchen corner for it. William and a boy named Paul found a cabinet full of mouse traps and started placing them at strategic locations around the castle. There was hell to pay when Baron Cameron stepped on one, and a page named Toulouse was paddled when a dozen mouse traps were found in his locker. The third time, the altar boys were not so lucky. Mrs. Brass was watching carefully, and caught Robert and Theodore clogging the toilets with hand towels. The altar boys were assembled in the kitchen and lined up for a paddling. Martin got out of it when he told Mrs. Brass that his parents were “conscientious objectors” against all violence. He actually had a note from his mother saying so. The other boys paid him out later with a thrashing in the courtyard.

The gray-eyed boy wasn’t there, but no one noticed.

****

William left the kitchen, rubbing his buttocks. This would be a pain long remembered. Mrs. Brass wielded the paddle without an ounce of Christian mercy. As William entered a corridor, another boy slipped up next to him, lightly touched his arm, and before he knew it, the two of them were alone in a dark closet. Without asking, he knew it was the grey-eyed boy.

“What the hell?” asked William. “How did you do that?”

“Never mind. Something is going on. I need you to do me a favor.”

“A favor? Why the hell should I do you a favor?” asked William. Too late, he remembered his promise to Father Murphy to befriend the mysterious gray eyed boy from Earth.

“It’s not for me, it’s for her. I know you like her, don’t bother denying it. I think she might be in danger.”

“Look, kid, I don’t know what game you’re playing, but I’m not playing it. Stay away from me or I’ll tan your hide, and this time, you won’t have Father Murphy to save you!”

William left the closet, leaving the gray-eyed boy alone in the dark.

“Be careful,” he said. But William was gone down the corridor and didn’t hear him.
 
ooops, sorry Blackrook, didn't see this bit! I have been reading the others' comments and thought pretty much all of what I would say has been covered, so I'll dip in here:

A fairytale castle, a fairytale ball, a fairytale princess. There was a lawn with real grass. A pond, with real flamingos. There were even palm trees, transplanted from Earth. Around the grounds and in the house, were statues of Greek gods from antiquity. The altar boys snickered and pointed. The statues at St. Christoper’s had clothes on. Statues of naked people were something new and very unexpected. The statue of the chubby baby boy peeing into the fountain was especially hilarious. Walter rolled his eyes at the other boys. He was from Earth and had seen it all before.

Um, do we not know that we're on a different planet? Could maybe leave out the 'transplanted from earth' as the italicising has already drawn our attention to it. And the last sentence says the whole 'earth' thing really well..... And spelling typo - st Chritopers -

Father Quinn, a young, dark-haired and very handsome priest from St. Christopher’s, frog-marched the boys to the back of the palace to the servant’s entrance. The boys felt very awkward in their page uniforms, which included a “girly” red tunic topped with a lace collar and lace at the ends of the sleeves, a red “Robin Hood” hat with a big yellow feather, bright yellow “pantyhose”, and red “elf shoes” that curled up to a point at the end. The altar boys swore a blood oath to never tell any of the other boys at school that they were forced to dress in these ridiculous costumes. They would never live it down for a thousand years.

Where else would father Quinn be from? I'm uncertain if the emphasis you want with regards the "girly" bits is best served with punctuation marks. Again, what the boys do shows it very much better. Remind me to tell you what happened when a patient of mine said she was wearing 'pantyhose' (In England we call 'em 'tights').......

It wasn’t long before the altar boys figured out that the older boys would generally be blamed for it whenever anything went wrong.


??It wasn't long before the altar boys figured out that the older boys would be blamed for anything that went wrong?? Seems a bit wordy otherwise?

Martin got out of it when he told Mrs. Brass that his parents were “conscientious objectors” against all violence. He actually had a note from his mother saying so. The other boys paid him out later with a thrashing in the courtyard.

I love that......

No comment on the rest, can't see anything that would alter/improve it..
 
It reads easy enough and the characters seem to converse with minimal effort which again adds to the ease of reading.

A couple of points returning the critique favour. Have you considered the religious connotation being so close to Catholicism and therefore alienating part of your market?

I am a total novice to writing so my 2p is worth perhaps 1p at best but thinking about it from a commercial point of view do you feel the risk is calculated enough so early on as it sounds like a bunch of Irish catholic priests in a monetary to me and this could have adverse effects on sales and sales drive many agents and publishers to take a punt on it.

The spelling others have mentioned and I am no star on that myself so can’t point the finger but I just feel by all means go into this style a few more pages in perhaps but its all opinion and nether right nor wrong just my view just that religion starting a fantasy novel???

Still enjoy :D
 
It reads easy enough and the characters seem to converse with minimal effort which again adds to the ease of reading.

A couple of points returning the critique favour. Have you considered the religious connotation being so close to Catholicism and therefore alienating part of your market?

I am a total novice to writing so my 2p is worth perhaps 1p at best but thinking about it from a commercial point of view do you feel the risk is calculated enough so early on as it sounds like a bunch of Irish catholic priests in a monetary to me and this could have adverse effects on sales and sales drive many agents and publishers to take a punt on it.

The spelling others have mentioned and I am no star on that myself so can’t point the finger but I just feel by all means go into this style a few more pages in perhaps but its all opinion and nether right nor wrong just my view just that religion starting a fantasy novel???

Still enjoy :D
That's the conventional wisdom, Sonshu, that all movies, TV shows and books should be about plain vanilla WASP characters for fear that if we make stories about anyone else, people will be "alienated".

I disagree with that assumption. I think people are open-minded enough to read stories about people who have different backgrounds.
 
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