A number of nit picks and one major concern from me, I'm afraid. Nit picks first.
"Sir...' By and large, people with Father Superiors don't call them 'sir' - if you want to hide the fact that he is a Father S, then you'll have to cut into the dialogue later.
"... can you take a look at this?" If the Father S is in the room, and the dreams are on the wall, why isn't he seeing it/them already?
"The girl, she's fast asleep..." Why does he need to say this? Father S will know she's asleep - that's the point of her being there, surely? And if you're talking about her dreaming, then I don't think you even have to spell it out to us, we can take it for granted she's sleeping. If you want this James to be trying to deflect blame, ('it's not my fault - I put her under OK') then with all this technology I think he'd use something rather more jargon-y than a woolly 'fast asleep'.
"I've tried every turn.." Is this a technical phrase in your dream technology? If not, then although we know what it means it's not a particularly good expression to put in his mouth.
"... but something happens when I try to penetrate the thought process." Again, this seems very wishy-washy to me. Why isn't he using technical language? And surely if she's dreaming, then 'thought process' is completely the wrong expression?
"How stubborn does she seem to be?" Not only should you not having him jumping to this conclusion, but stubborn - again unless it's going to be a technical phrase in your dream jargon - implies an act of will. Unless she is conscious or has set up a shield consciously beforehand, this is an inappropriate word.
"I tried weaving a future scene into her mind,..." Why future? Even if she is intended to be a seer of some kind, how can they use a future scene since - unless you intend them also to be seers - they don't know what the future is? (And if they are seers, they've not done a very good job with this one have they?!)
"... but every time there seems to be a strong sheild..." Typo for shield - and it's a very trite metaphor.
"... almost as if her mind was made of iron." What? I know you want to give an impression of strength, but quite apart from it being hackneyed (and untrue - iron isn't that strong is the overall scheme of metals) this really isn't the best of imagery in the circumstances. Think about it - a mind made of iron - how is it dreaming? If it is your intention to make James appear a bit stupid, or someone who thinks in cliches, fair enough - but it might be better to leave that until he's got a lot more dialogue, so it's clear it is him and not you putting the words into his mouth.
"Seven, this is the second time I've tried. It seems it's more powerful now then it was at age three." Is this meant to be unusual? Should it be easier to reach her if she is older? If not, this is obsolete. If it is unusual, you need to spell it out a little more, but not in a telling-the-Father-S-something-he-already-knows kind of way. I agree with Boneman, full stop after 'seven', and with BSCV that it reads oddly that this is only the second time he's tried after the tried every turn line.
"I can assume that it will be harder to reach her mind when she's ten. Then we'd have to train her on her thirteenth birthday." This is an example of telling the Father S something he already knows, because you want us to know it. You need to rework this.
"Did you say powerful? I think we've found the Lady, but it mustn't be too obvious." Agree with BSCV this is way too abrupt a leap.
"When the age comes, your job is to show her the way..." This is telling James what he already knows, surely?
"... don't hint her at it, you understand me, James?" I know what you're trying to say but 'don't hint her at it' is not English, not by a long chalk. (Incidentally, I assumed that James was male from the start - don't know if that's me being sexist or not!)
'She's so different from many others...' What is this meant to mean? If she is The Lady, surely she ought to be different from everybody, not just 'many others'? And if 'so' is meant to be 'no' - why is he getting excited that he can't get through this shield?
'... and I don't know if her determinationis going to pay off for the Goddess she can be...' I have absolutely no idea what this means. And how can he know what determination she has or will have? By the sounds of it he's only met her twice in her life.'Goddess she can be'? As opposed to the (somewhat inferior) Goddess she actually will be, perhaps?
'... he thought as he watched her dreams unfold on a wall screen.' I don't use italics for thoughts in this way, but I think the convention is that if you do show the thoughts explicitly then you don't have 'he thought' afterwards as it's otiose (but I stand ready to be corrected by those who employ the technique). And 'dreams' plural? How many is she having?
OK, at this stage you're wondering if these are her nit picks what the hell is the b***h going to say that's a big problem? I am sorry if I sound harsh, but I think you've got the makings of a terrific story, and you have the makings of being a good writer, but you need to think more about language, how you use it to convey atmosphere and how it is used by people. Even in such a short excerpt, you ought to be striving to differentiate between the two men - the Father S ought to be calmer, older, smoother, probably more well educated (yes, I know these are cliches in themselves, but truisms do happen to be largely true). And as Boneman rightly says, there also ought to be an air of excitement/anticipation etc which is lacking in his words at the moment.
So, the major difficulty? The final paragraph. It completely unbalances the rest of the scene. I love scenes which are all dialogue, with nothing else, not even a 'he said' etc, but you can't do that and then tack on at the end something else like an afterthought. It would be bad enough if it were the description - the internal monologue just compounds the problem. I think you have to make a decision whether to keep that last para or not. For me, it adds nothing and positively detracts from the atmosphere. I would dump the para and expand the rest of the dialogue a little, to make it less abrupt and more revelatory - you could have James ask the Father S if he really thinks she can be The One after 500 years or whatever. If, however, you like the para, then I think you will need to add further non-dialogue into the rest of it to balance things up.
Again, I'm sorry if this sounds harsh. After all that, it will no doubt surprise you to hear that I loved the premise; I think you - and the story - have great promise; and you already have a bit of a hook to make people want to read on, which is more than a lot of people have who put work on this board. But you need to do quite a bit of work on it. Writing is a craft - it needs a lot of practice, and a lot of thought. In particular, it needs a feel for words - if that doesn't come naturally to you, then you have to learn to develop it.
Of course, these are just my thoughts - and no one else has picked up on most of them, so it's up to you how much attention you want to pay. In any event, good luck with the writing.
J
For now, I'll focus on the last paragraph.
