Political Asylum

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Blackrook

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Here's another story fragment looking for a story. I have no idea where to go from here. The word "What?" fills in for the brilliant dialogue I haven't written yet, because I don't know if this is a spy thriller, a murder mystery, or a political intrigue story. Any suggestions would be welcome.

****

Political Asylum

“Caf’ka,” I said, “ta vu’si o n’mar.” I wanted coffee, with cream and sugar.

“Vu’si o n’mar!” said C’los, the old alien who passed out the flyers and fetched me coffee. “Ma tau!” C’los wiggled his ears, a sign of pleasure.

“Ma tau!” I said. Yes, I wanted my coffee hot. We went through the same routine every morning. C’los never got tired of it. C’los had been on Earth for 20 years and hadn’t learned a word of English. So I talked to him with the limited Sk’late I knew. Ten words maybe. No, eleven words.

The aliens I worked with insisted that C’los fetch me coffee. It was a dangerous neighborhood. The Sk’late immigrants were hard-working folks, taking the jobs Earthmen didn’t want. Most of them worked in the illegal sweatshops, sewing shirts 12 hours a day, 6 days a week. But some of the kids went bad. They ran in gangs and dealt x’an to the string-outs. Fly-by shootings were so common the locals didn’t even get scared any more. They just walked on by while the peacekeepers cleaned up the mess, another dead kid. No one talked, so they never solved the crime. A week later, the victim’s gang would do a fly-by in the next neighborhood. Another kid would die. So it would go, back and forth. There was no end to it.

The aliens I worked with were originally from K’marka, a world four lightyears from Sk’lataria, and sharing the same language. They got green cards during the amnesty ten years ago. They spent their days typing immigration forms for $25 a page. They sent me clients and I cut them in for 50%. It was legal arrangement, since my partner was a licensed attorney on her home world. But I didn’t like the deal. I was the talent. I had the license. I worked the cases. All my partner provided was a crummy, run-down office in the bad part of town near the starport. She also provided a half-witted Sk’late interpreter, because I was not even slightly inclined to learn an alien language to talk to people on my own planet. And she provided C’los, who passed out flyers to bring in the traffic off the sidewalk. And coffee. C’los brought me coffee.

My specialty was political asylum. My days were divided between immigration court and consultations with new clients. Today was no different. So long as the civil war on Sk’lataria lasted, my calendar was full. I didn’t charge much, but I made it up in volume. I lost track of my clients. They all had the same story. The rebels had raided their nest, then the government had raided their nest, etc., etc. They were fruit pickers. Neither the rebels or the government had any reason to persecute them for political reasons. It was all so pointless. They would all be ordered deported, but none of them would ever really leave Earth. My fees barely paid the bills after the UN took its cut off the top.

So I was expecting the usual when she came in, another Sk’late fruit picker with a bogus political asylum claim. I was wrong. My ears perked up when she said, in perfectly enunciated English:

What???

I took a closer look at my new client. Her face was intelligent and quite attractive. She wore an elegant n’aris tunic on her slim athletic frame, with a stylish g’aran band around her waist. She wore three precious l’lan rings on her long tapered fingers. A far cry from the rough work clothes worn by my typical client. A member of the Sk’lar nobility perhaps? She was obviously in a great deal of stress, but bravely managed to keep a cool composure. She reached in her purse and pulled out something slim and metallic. In her right hand was a Sk’lar needle-gun, an elegant contraption with a deadly purpose. She didn’t point it at me, but she didn’t exactly point it away from me either. I pondered carefully before responding:

What???
 
In case you're wondering who this guy is, it's me, 14 years ago. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Otherwise, it's absolute truth, up until the part where a client pulls a gun on me. That part I made up.
 
No interest? :(
I'll read over it soon Black. Busy, sick kids, doctors, pharmacy (THREE HOURS WAIT, BTW), work, ect ect ect. But I did glance it over and I liked it pretty well.

You know, you don't need as much help as you think you do. You just need discipline and patience with yourself.
 
In case you're wondering who this guy is, it's me, 14 years ago. The names have been changed to protect the innocent. Otherwise, it's absolute truth, up until the part where a client pulls a gun on me. That part I made up.

What an interesting life you've had!:D
I liked it and am curious to know more
 
Maybe the story would flow better if I stuck to things that have actually happened to me. I never had a client pull a gun on me, so I have no idea what I would say in such a situation or what such a client would say to me. I'm beating my brains trying to come up with a real life situation that might make a good story.
 
This was really fascinating. It seems pretty polished already. It could be hard to logically sustain the imaginary language throughout a whole novel, maybe, but it's really well done so far.

Perhaps:

“Ma tau!” C’los wiggled his ears, a sign of pleasure.

“Ma tau!” I agreed. I wanted my coffee hot, too.

--Gives less feeling of direct translation.
 
I was more interested in the language aspect. Where did you get the idea?

Like I said, the story is my real life, slightly altered to make it a sci-fi story.

“Caf’ka,” I said, “ta vu’si o n’mar.” I wanted coffee, with cream and sugar.


"Cafe," I said, "con crema y asuca." I wanted coffee, with cream and sugar.

“Vu’si o n’mar!” said C’los, the old alien who passed out the flyers and fetched me coffee. “Ma tau!” C’los wiggled his ears, a sign of pleasure.

"Crema y asuca!" said Carlos, the old Guatemalan who passed out the flyers and fetched me coffee. "Mucho color!" Carlos grinned from ear to ear, a sign of pleasure.

“Ma tau!” I said. Yes, I wanted my coffee hot. We went through the same routine every morning. C’los never got tired of it. C’los had been on Earth for 20 years and hadn’t learned a word of English. So I talked to him with the limited Sk’late I knew. Ten words maybe. No, eleven words.

"Mucho color!" I said. Yes, I wanted my coffee hot. We went through the same routine every morning. Carlos never tired of it. Carlos had been in America for 20 years and hadn't learned a word of English. So I talked to him in the limited Spanish I knew. Ten words. Maybe eleven.
 
While the setting, backstory and characterisation is sound, I think the way you have laid it out is flawed ... and it goes back to the old adage 'Show, don't tell'.

IMO (!) in this scene, you have three things 1) The alien who never learnt a word of English 2) The political asylum backstory 3) The alien who walks in and pulls out a gun. The first has character, the second gives us the situation, but the third has action, and action trumps the other two most of the time. The first two parts are all exposition, (you are telling us stuff), then something happens. See what I mean?

Hope this helps, (but no responsibility is taken for loss of will to live, mental instability, or sudden desire to stop writing!):D
 
I understand the criticism, but I have been previously critiqued as not giving enough description. I am trying to set a tone with a setting that is rather harsh and unpleasant, and a hero who feels trapped in that world and a job that is meaningless to him. I'm going for a film noir feel, and if this was a movie it would be better in black and white to emphasize the dark and hopeless setting.

In other words, this is a Mileiu story. The plot takes a back seat to showing off the setting.
 
Yes, perhaps a bit too much setting. A story needs to be balanced, I think, and there's a fine line either way.



Also.....I just found the whole foreign language thing a little weird.....I realize its use and reason, but still, it seemed just strange to me, and caused perhaps an unnecessary amount of description for translation.
 
Here's another example:

****

I arrived at the office at 7:00, giving me just enough time to gather up my files and get down to court. I pressed my thumb on the pad to unlock the gate to the parking bay. On the sidewalk in front of the next door office, a Peacekeeper was standing watch over the body of a decripit-looking dead alien, laying peacefully in a bed of cardboard and garbage. The Peacekeeper looked bored.

"What's going on?" I asked.

The Peacekeeper shrugged. "Nothing. Just a dead zonk."

****

This incident is not part of the plot. It is simply a reminder that in this neighborhood, life is cheap.
 
Well, the setting is clear to me because it is based on my real world experience, with minor alterations to make it sci-fi. The story is unclear to me because I haven't made one up to go with the setting. I am pretty good at coming up with settings, but making up stories to go with them is something I haven't been able to figure out.
 
About the opposite of me, then. I'm usually too lazy to come up with clear, comprehensive settings for my stuff.




But any aspect of writing just takes a bit of work, Black, and don't be afraid to follow up on suggestions and advice from those who critique pieces in here. That's what this place is for.
 
Well, just take things slowly, one at a time.


With most of my stories, well, I've found inspiration from assorted movies, other authors, and even came up with my own inspirations.



Conflict between demons and mortals seem to be a good place to start-(in sci-fi, make the demons aliens) and just jump from there. Cliche is where to start out at first, just don't send it in for publishing.
 
The piece I posted is actually the opposite of what I usually do, which is pure dialogue with a bare minimum of description of the setting. Maybe I need to take a writing class.
 
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