Short action piece - feedback please

[n2so4]

I'm just trying my hand at action pieces, continuing with the story I posted a while ago (Reign of Steel).
This piece is a little later on from the excerpt I posted in the other thread.
Could people let me know whether it has enough 'urgency', and how well it reads?
All the usual critique work is welcome as well of course!

Petri turned into a side-street between a warehouse and a row of taverns. At irregular intervals along either side of the alley sat several traders, each with their wares spread out on tattered rugs and blankets; tarnished silverware and bronze jewellery glittered in the weak lamplight.

Ignoring the muttered invitations to inspect brooches and urns, Petri darted down the ally and ducked into the cover of a doorway, glancing back the way he had come. He dropped a hand to the butt of his heavy service revolver.

Sure enough, the silhouette of one of the fedora-wearing gentlemen appeared at the mouth of the alley, peaking cautiously in Petri’s direction. The oil lamps threw dancing shadows across a heavy jaw dusted with stubble, although his eyes were hidden by the wide brim of his hat. The other fedora appeared next to the first and Petri caught a few syllables of muttered Haldoran. Fedora number one stepped into the alley, pulling an automatic pistol from under his cream jacket.

Excuse me, noble effendi,” began the nearest jewellery-vendor from his kneeling position behind his blanket, “Can I interest you in a pendant of finest silver?” he suddenly shrank back and threw up his hands with a cry as he caught sight of the pistol, and the other vendors quickly went as quiet and wide-eyed as sheep in the presence of a rabid dog. The thug prowled down the ally past them, the gun held level at his hip.

In the doorway Petri drew his revolver and quietly snapped open the cylinder, checking the load, then closed it again and knelt, peaking around the corner at waist-height. The fedora-thug was only feet from him, looking further ahead down the alleyway.

Petri swung around the doorway, flinging out his arm and snapping off two shots at the startled Haldoran. The revolver roared and bucked in his fist, the bullets smashing hammerblows out of the plastered wall to the thug’s right, sending him diving backward with a yell, sprawling into the nearest trader who yowled like a scalded cat.

Before the Haldoran even hit the ground Petri was up and running towards the curve at the end of the alley, snapping off a wild shot at the second thug still loitering at the alley entrance, sending him flinching back into cover. As he reached the end of the alley the sprawled fedora-wearer had scrambled up onto one knee and Petri dived around the corner as a trio of shots smashed into the cobbles behind him.

Petri charged down the narrow alley, his pulse thudding in his temple, leaping over the piles of refuse and dodging around crates of empty bottles stacked haphazardly outside the back door of a tavern. Behind him he heard shouts and the sounds of pursuit.

 

[kadife]

Hi there

Since you particularly asked about whether this has a sense of ‘urgency’, I addressed myself to this.

It strikes me that your sentences are very much too long and convoluted which imo slows one, so if you are wanting to sweep the reader along, I’d say perhaps you can look into tightening up a bit.

A prime example:

‘Excuse me, noble effendi,” began the nearest jewellery-vendor from his kneeling position behind his blanket, “Can I interest you in a pendant of finest silver?” he suddenly shrank back and threw up his hands with a cry when he caught sight of the pistol, and the other vendors quickly went quiet and wide-eyed as sheep in the presence of a rabid dog.’

Sorry, can’t detect urgency here--more like a stroll through a museum.

If you compare the effect of short sentences, you’ll notice that there is heightened drama and urgency:

A jewellery vendor began to speak. ‘Beyefendi, can I interest you in a pendant--’
He shrank back with a cry when he caught sight of the pistol. The other vendors fell as silent as sheep menaced by a rabid dog.

Or something to this effect. Also, I speak Turkish and a bit of Arabic, and ‘effendi’ always seems corny and over-used in fantasy fiction, I thought you might like to be original and see the more common term in Turkish! In Arabic, ‘excuse me, sir’ is ‘Afwan ya’akh’.

A few phrases seemed a bit off to me, e.g:

‘…the silhouette of one of the fedora-wearing gentlemen appeared at the mouth of the alley, peaking (PEEKING) cautiously in Petri’s direction.’
I don’t think the detail would be so obvious if it was just a silhouette--and again, you lose drama through wordiness.

I also think the word ‘fedora’ has been over-used.

But interesting, all the same. You’ve got something nice going on here. Good luck with it.

 

[chrispenycate]

I'm just trying my hand at action pieces, continuing with the story I posted a while ago (Reign of Steel).
This piece is a little later on from the excerpt I posted in the other thread.
Could people let me know whether it has enough 'urgency', and how well it reads?
All the usual critique work is welcome as well of course!

Petri turned into a

avoid the "turned into a" form; not that it's wrong, it just raises a snigger that you don't need (hee hee, he turned into an alley.)

side-street between a warehouse and a row of taverns. At irregular intervals along either side of the alley sat several traders, each with their wares spread out on tattered rugs and blankets; tarnished silverware and bronze jewellery glittered in the weak

would it glitter if tarnished or patinated?

lamplight.

Ignoring the muttered

muttered? What are they, stolen?They've always yelled at me.

invitations to inspect brooches and urns, Petri darted down the ally

alley; I don't think he has many allies

and ducked into the cover of a doorway, glancing back the way he had come. He dropped a hand to the butt of his heavy service revolver.

Sure enough, the silhouette of one of the fedora-wearing gentlemen appeared at the mouth of the alley, peaking

peeking

cautiously in Petri’s direction. The oil lamps threw dancing shadows across a heavy jaw dusted with stubble, although his eyes were hidden by the wide brim of his hat. The other fedora appeared next to the first and Petri caught a few syllables of muttered Haldoran. Fedora number one stepped into the alley, pulling an automatic pistol from under his cream jacket.

Excuse me, noble effendi,” began the nearest jewellery-vendor from his kneeling position behind his blanket, “Can I interest you in a pendant of finest silver?” he suddenly shrank back and threw up his hands with a cry as he caught sight of the pistol, and the other vendors quickly went as quiet and wide-eyed as sheep in the presence of a rabid dog.

Your sheep go quit? I've always found they go hysterical

The thug prowled down the ally

alley

past them, the gun held level at his hip.

In the doorway Petri drew his revolver and quietly snapped open the cylinder, checking the load, then closed it again and knelt, peaking

Peeking, although, if the enemy have that sewn up, maybe peering

around the corner at waist-height. The fedora-thug was only feet from him, looking further ahead down the alleyway.

Petri swung around the doorway, flinging out his arm and snapping off two shots at the startled Haldoran. The revolver roared and bucked in his fist, the bullets smashing hammerblows out of the plastered wall to the thug’s right, sending him diving backward with a yell, sprawling into the nearest trader who yowled like a scalded cat.

Before the Haldoran even hit the ground Petri was up and running towards the curve at the end of the alley, snapping off a wild shot at the second thug still loitering at the alley entrance, sending him flinching back into cover. As he reached the end of the alley the sprawled fedora-wearer had scrambled up onto one knee and Petri dived around the corner as a trio of shots smashed into the cobbles behind him.

Petri charged down the narrow alley, his pulse thudding in his temple,

I have this picture of his pulse leaping and dodging – oh, never mind

leaping over the piles of refuse and dodging around crates of empty bottles stacked haphazardly outside the back door of a tavern. Behind him he heard shouts and the sounds of pursuit.

 

[n2so4]

Hi there
Or something to this effect. Also, I speak Turkish and a bit of Arabic, and ‘effendi’ always seems corny and over-used in fantasy fiction, I thought you might like to be original and see the more common term in Turkish! In Arabic, ‘excuse me, sir’ is ‘Afwan ya’akh’.

Thanks for the phrase. I know enough about Turkish society that using "Effendi" bugged me as well, but didn't know any other suitable term!

Thanks for the feedback so far guys!

 

[blairWitcher]

I like action scenes especially gunfights but here, I can't feel any suspense or emotion both on the protagonist and antagonist. try elaborating some details clearly and a few "manuevers" and "stunts" here and there.

Its just a suggestion so feel free to ignore

 

[Blackrook]

Are these guys "gentlemen" or "thugs"? It's hard to be both.

The language should match the action. Use short, choppy sentences to emphasize that things are happening fast.

We don't hear about the gun until the second paragraph. Start the action with the first sentence. Perhaps a bullet should whiz by Petri's head?

Your use of the word "fedora" is a bit awkward. "Wide-brimmed hat" might also work. I've seen lots of movies featuring men wearing fedoras, and the word "fedora" is never used to describe them. People always say "hat" as in "Get your hat, we're going!"

 

[ctg]

Like you have been told, this is far too heavy action. You build up the tension nicely in the first paragraph, but you forget that you should move to action phrasing. That is short, punchy sentences. Just to deliver the furiousness of the action.

Petri turned into a side-street between a warehouse and a row of taverns. At irregular intervals along either side of the alley sat several traders, each with their wares spread out on tattered rugs and blankets; tarnished silverware and bronze jewellery glittered in the weak lamplight.

Now, watch me editing this.
Petri turned into a side-street between a warehouse and a row of taverns. At irregular intervals sat the traders. Each with their wares spread out on tattered rugs and blankets; tarnished silverware and bronze jewellery glittered in the weak lamplight.

Like I told to Gary in other thread, you can do more with less. Somethings can be taken as granted. Like in the music, the prose sentence length should vary. To understand it better, you should try to understand tempo.

Ignoring the muttered invitations to inspect brooches and urns, Petri darted down the ally and ducked into the cover of a doorway, glancing back the way he had come. He dropped a hand to the butt of his heavy service revolver.

Bring in more urgency. You should now trust that we readers have traders in our mind, you should increase the pacing.

Ignoring the muttered invitations, Petri darted down the ally and ducked into the cover of a doorway. He glanced back and dropped a hand on the butt of service revolver.

Sure enough, the silhouette of one of the fedora-wearing gentlemen appeared at the mouth of the alley, peaking cautiously in Petri’s direction. The oil lamps threw dancing shadows across a heavy jaw dusted with stubble, although his eyes were hidden by the wide brim of his hat. The other fedora appeared next to the first and Petri caught a few syllables of muttered Haldoran. Fedora number one stepped into the alley, pulling an automatic pistol from under his cream jacket.

Ok, this is a step back in pacing. It's very heavy, compared to the tension. The reader has established in last paragraph that something is distressing Petri. So let's bring in what he sees and hears.

Sure enough, the silhouette of one of the fedora-wearing men appeared at the mouth of the alley. It didn't take long before another came to exchange a few syllables of muttered Haldoran. It was enough for first one to pull out a pistol from under his cream jacket and stepped in the alley cautiously.

Excuse me, noble effendi,” began the nearest jewellery-vendor from his kneeling position behind his blanket, “Can I interest you in a pendant of finest silver?” he suddenly shrank back and threw up his hands with a cry as he caught sight of the pistol, and the other vendors quickly went as quiet and wide-eyed as sheep in the presence of a rabid dog. The thug prowled down the ally past them, the gun held level at his hip.

So the tension is high. The reader knows that Petri knows he's trapped and there's going to be a fight coming. And what you do, you bring in the wretched trader to offer his wares and reveal location to the Petri's hunters. What you do wrong is that the first sentence is way too long for the action. It breaks the tension.

"Excuse me, noble effendi,” a jewellery-vendor stepped out from his parlour. “Can I interest you in a pendant of finest sil--” Trader's eyes darted between his face and the revolver.

"Just stay there and don't move." Petri hissed as he saw the man in the alley jerking his head towards the trader. "Don't say a word, if you want to live."

he suddenly shrank back and threw up his hands with a cry as he caught sight of the pistol, and the other vendors quickly went as quiet and wide-eyed as sheep in the presence of a rabid dog. The thug prowled down the ally past them, the gun held level at his hip.

Ok, I realise that now that Petri is actually watching the trader exchanging the words with thug. But let's keep on how I have rewritten it. You don't have to accept this as its just an example.

It didn't work. The trader threw up his hands and screamed. The crowd went wild. Petri whipped out his gun, and quickly glamped his second hand around the butt to support his aiming. It wasn't easy to get a clear shot, with traders running around and the thugs pushing them aside. But he kept his nerve and when the first thug was just few meters away, he pressed the trigger. The revolver roared, and a split second later plaster wall exploded next to thug's head. Petri corrected his aim and pressed trigger again.

 

[n2so4]

Thanks CTG, that's some good advice!

Thanks to everyone else as well, more food for thought!

 

[Althain's Warden]

That's a damn fine critique to my mind ctg, i know i fall into the catagory of writer that has been told to many times ' be more descriptive'. Of course description is important but you have to learn at what times to be descriptive and when it detracts from your story's focus. I like your work so far N2so4 and thanks ctg for the advice, i'm desperatly trying to take it all in