Chapter-4 Kroniikles

[BSCVadhan]

Hi,


I am about to submit my work to a literary agent. This is one of the chapters I am gonna submit. A hard (harsh?) crit would be welcome!

[FONT=&quot]Chapter-[FONT=&quot]4[/FONT][/FONT]

The Vympyree
[FONT=&quot]“He’s dead…finally!” The Vympyree declared in its hoarse guttural voice, pointing its thorny, gaunt finger at the hunter lying prone against a Beech tree. The soft mild scent of rose bay flowers, known as blood vine, blooming on that crisp February morning in the upper reaches of the Southern Carpathian Mountains, embraced the bleeding hunter as though to caress his raw wounds with all the love bestowed to a weary child.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The Vympyree’s horde, a bunch of pale and bloodthirsty creatures, glared at the wounded hunter with hungry, vehement eyes. The creatures were dead and yet, they were panting hungrily, glaring at everything around them with barbaric, lifeless eyes. Ragged they were, with tattered clothes hanging on lifelessly to grayish putrid torsos. Foul-smelling fluids were oozing through purplish sores in their flesh, like sewage from a broken pipe. Like puppets they acted; hands and legs twitching and turning, moving in sudden jerks, unfeeling, lost to the world of the living. They scratched at their patched and peeling skin vehemently, irritated by the constant itch of live skin succumbing to its death throes. [/FONT]

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During the course of the previous fortnight, the wounded hunter had been in hot pursuit of the horde and their master, the Vympyree. The demon had attacked the resilient hunter. From the skies and from the earth the Vympyree struck the man.
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[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Each time, the maimed huntsman had picked himself up gallantly and got going after the terrible creature from the Void. Through narrow valleys and wide meadows he had given chase to the demon and its horde and under glaring sunlight and moonless nights he had pursued the Vympyree and it’s cravenly horde. [/FONT]

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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The only thing that had fuelled the hunter to go after the Vympyree was his self-loathing; cursing his weary and wounded limbs and his failing eyesight, the hunter went after the creature like a wraith, a deadly shadow.
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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Finally, when the hunter did catch up with the demon of the Void on the high reaches of the Carpathian mountain range, the Vympyree had assailed and vanquished him. The hunter had dragged himself to one of the short Beech trees, staining the snow with his blood, his breath coming out in ragged gusts of condensced air. He propped himself against its stout trunk wearily.
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[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The hunter’s eyes were pinpoints of vengeance and his lips, dry and acrid, were moving silently to invoke equations that he could only vaguely recall; bidding forces that were nothing more than vague distant memories to come to his aid. None responded to his call.[/FONT]

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The tired hunter squeezed his deepset eyes shut for a brief moment. They were swollen and stinging from equal doses of pain and exhaustion. Constant exposure to the cold winds had taken their toll on the hunter.
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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]A harsh cough found its way out from his broken chest and he coughed out a fine spray of blood. His chest was burning from the inside due to the congestion of bile within. His head was swimming and wobbly. He raised his head with a tremendous effort just to peer at the Vympyree. What the hunter saw disgusted him.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]The sand coloured, spiked creature that had screamed his death not long ago was standing over him disdainfully.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]“Why don’t you die?” the Vympyree asked, in a hiss of sheer hate. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Its eyes, like that of a serpent’s, were crinkling in humourless merriment. The hunter shrugged. He couldn’t speak above a whisper. His jaw was broken in several places and if he opened his mouth too much, he knew he couldn’t put his jaw back in place. He parted his parched lips painfully. He studied the crazed countenance of the spiked creature. Its bald head was large and eyes were red and sickly, like it had permanent conjunctivitis that it couldn’t ever get rid of. Its mouth had retractable fangs, like a cobra. The spikes on its body were pyramidicaling like a thousand poisonous needles. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]“Why don’t you?” the man shot back in a harsh whisper. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]The Vympyree lifted its dark, blood stained double-edged scimitar over its head. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]“Because I am the one holding the sword” [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]The hunter laughed mirthlessly, apparently taken in by the dark humour of the Demon. He ended up coughing painfully, spraying broplets of blood across the creature’s chest and neck.
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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The coppery smell of human blood stimulated the Vympyree, brightening its fiendish eyes. The creature flared its nostrils in avid lust. It flicked out its outsized purple tongue and licked its own chest. The taste of salty blood pleasured the Demon. It shivered in anticipation. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
“Maybe after a little drink!”[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]The Vympyree hunched over the wounded hunter and its fangs slid out of their satchets menacingly. It opened its mouth wide. Short bursts of anticipatory growls showcased its palpable lust for blood.
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[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The wounded hunter had to move his head away from the stench of the creature and its horribly bad breath. He pushed himself further away from the Vympyree, against the trunk of the beech tree. Un-noticed by the Vympyree, the hunter brought out his broken disjointed arms from behind his back. [/FONT]

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The hunter pulled out the short spear, strapped with leather thongs to his back, with broken hands, and rammed the large wooden device hard into the creature’s chest, crying out through clenched teeth as red hot pain shot through his spine like liquid fire.
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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The hunter broke into a sweat, his stomach muscles convulsed into a painful cramp. Yet, his vengeful eyes, clouded with agony, registered satisfaction. The pain, it seemed, was worth the Vympyree’s stunned realization that it had been stabbed by the one device that could kill it, a spear made of virgin wood.
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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The Vympyree screamed a terrible complaint to no one in particular. It twisted left and twisted right, seeking relief against the decay that was already seeping into its very core. [/FONT]

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The Vympyree tried to pull itself away from the hunter, but the man wedged the stake harder into the demon with shaking but resolute hands, sliding the wood into the putrid flesh and bones of the Vympyree with a satisfying squelch.
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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Holding the sternly entrenched stake as support, the hunter pulled himself to an upright position, allowing his stomach muscles to stretch themselves. The Vympyree screamed its frustration. It was already changing from bright yellow to dull grey; the decay of death was shrouding the creature, instantly effusing the sweet fetid odour of rotting flesh.
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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The hunter, crinkling his nose, pushed the stake into the spiked torso of the Vympyree, into its heart, the stake burst through its massive scaled back. The Vympyree howled for help. Not one of the cravenly horde, watching the macabre duel in a ghoulish trance, stepped forward to aid the Vympyree. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
The hunter hobbled on his broken legs for a moment, garnering his strength; he launched his tall frame onto the Demon viciously. The smaller stake in his other hand impaled itself right through the Vympyree’s head and came bursting forth from its cranium.
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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The thrust was so powerful that the creature had no time to react, much less escape, it turned to dust instantly. The hunter fell on his broken knees, flailing his arms for balance. An involuntary cry of pain escaped his broken mouth. He closed his eyes in satisfaction. [/FONT]


Another creature of the void was destroyed.

[FONT=&quot]__________________________[/FONT]​

[FONT=&quot]The Vympyree was first discovered in the Planet Venuprabhand, the second of the higher Worlds of Power, the hunter recalled. How it traversed from the void into Venuprabhand and and when the shape shifting creature made its advent into Bhoomi were a mystery nobody could solve. Frankly, he did not care.
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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The hunter had been tracking the Vympyree for more years than he cared to remember. The trail had led him through India, China, Iran, the Americas and most of Europe.
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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The creature had managed to evade him time and again simply by stepping into the darkness of the Void where, the hunter knew, no being of Creation could follow. He figured that the only way to hold it back within the folds of creation was to make it seem that he was defeated, primed for a kill. Thus he had trapped the Vympyree and had destroyed it. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
The hunter was still on his knees. The attack on the Vympyree had drained him of the last echo of strength and now he was gulping large dollops of air. He had not only lost strength, he had lost considerable amounts of blood.
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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Lacking the will to hold himself on his knees, the hunter keeled over and lay still. He knew that in a week he would gain enough strength to walk again and in a month he would have wandered away down the mountain, another bum on the streets of Brasov City.
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[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]At that moment, all he wanted to do was lie on the ground and loose himself in his revery. As it was after every battle, when he needed time to recuperate, memories of his checkered past clouded the hunter’s memory. The hunter gradually began to sink into his retrospections, living another life, seeing people who were long dead, much like a weary traveller relaxing within a tub of cool water.[/FONT]

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[FONT=&quot]
The hunter suddenly came to life, an incessant buzz, like a bee close to his ear, woke him from his stupor. Maybe it was a remnant of his erstwhile cognizance skills; a warning beacon tugging at the peripheries of his consciousness. He craned his head around painfully in search of the dreadful stench of decay filling his senses.
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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He found the horde closing in on him, warily, one step at a time, uncertain...He slid his arm painfully to his back and realized he had run out of wooden spears. The wood from the spears he had used on the Vympyree was dead and he couldn’t use them again. In a way, the hunter was glad…[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
The first creature from the horde reached the hunter in a dead run and kicked his already broken ribs. The hunter winced in pain as he rolled on to his side, folding his tall frame into a foetal ball. The creature fell on him lustily and others followed.
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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]In a moment they were flocked over the wounded man like so many vultures. The hunter realized, amidst being bitten and torn asunder by a pack of growling vermin, that when they had eaten into his flesh and heart it would all end…finally. [/FONT]

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The horde was gorging itself, biting into the hunter’s neck, arms and stomach, sucking blood, licking their lips and snapping at their mates. In their lust for flesh and blood the creatures did not notice the fiery manifestation close behind them.
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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]They did not notice the shiny double edged axe being unsheathed nor hear the slight metallic zing as the axe whizzed through the air. The Axe was called Parashu[FONT=&quot]; [/FONT][FONT=&quot]it was a gift to its immortal wielder.
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[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The first creature the axe found burst into a cloud of dust, allowing the chill Carpathian winds to blow the particles away. The other creatures whirled around, screeching in unison. [/FONT]

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They stared at the apparition facing them. To their undead eyes, their attacker appeared swathed in fire. The man’s eyes were hollow orbs of flames, his untied mane of hair, flowing down his broad shoulders and the long flowing beard were plumages of flames, bristling and crackling angrily. The horde did the only thing they could, they turned to flee. It was then that the stalker started walking towards them, leaving behind a trail of flames on the snow as his footprints. His sinewy hands were rock steady and he was holding the large vicious double edged battle axe with a practiced ease. Even as the horde was fleeing from him, the huge axe swung again.[/FONT]

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[chrispenycate]

The two major characters' names (or job descriptions, "the Vympyree" and "the hunter" ) are repeated too often. Yes, both being male and singular you can't just get away with "he"s and "him"s, but that's saturation.

The Vympyree’s horde, a bunch of pale and bloodthirsty creatures, glared at the wounded hunter with hungry, vehement eyes. The creatures were dead and yet, they were panting hungrily, glaring at everything around them with barbaric, lifeless eyes

You don't need the comma after "and yet" (before, if anywhere) and the repetition of "glaring with adjective adjective eyes" is annoying.

During the course of the previous fortnight,

clumsy construction

he had given chase to the demon and its horde and under glaring sunlight and moonless nights he had pursued the Vympyree and it’s cravenly horde.

comma before "under" and one after "nights".

Its eyes, like that of a serpent’s, were crinkling in humourless merriment.

like those of a serpent?

The hunter, crinkling his nose, pushed the stake into the spiked torso of the Vympyree, into its heart, the stake burst through its massive scaled back.

There should be a full stop, or an "until" or "and" after "heart"

Not one of the cravenly horde, watching the macabre duel in a ghoulish trance, stepped forward to aid the Vympyree.

I don't think you actually need those commas, although they're not wrong, as such.

The thrust was so powerful that the creature had no time to react, much less escape, it turned to dust instantly.

semicolon, full stop or "and" after "escape".

The hunter suddenly came to life, an incessant buzz, like a bee close to his ear, woke him from his stupor.

Either a full stop after "life" or "waking" instead of "woke"

Maybe it was a remnant of his erstwhile cognizance skills; a warning beacon tugging at the peripheries of his consciousness.

That doesn't really need the semicolon.

The man’s eyes were hollow orbs of flames, his untied mane of hair, flowing down his broad shoulders and the long flowing beard were plumages of flames,

comma after "shoulders" and is that not more "plumes" of flemes, oe perhaps "a plumage"?

he was holding the large vicious double edged battle axe with a practiced ease.

commas between adjectives, and possibly a hyphen in "double-edged" And I find "large" there very weak.

 

[kadife]

If I was presented with this, I wouldn't go beyond the first sentence, sorry.

[FONT=&quot]“He’s dead…finally!” The Vympyree declared in its hoarse guttural voice, pointing its thorny, gaunt finger at the hunter lying prone against a Beech tree.

should read:

[/FONT][FONT=&quot]“He’s dead…finally!” the Vympyree declared in its hoarse guttural voice, pointing its thorny, gaunt finger at the hunter lying prone against a beech tree. [/FONT]
(It's all one sentence)

Check for typos and think about the good advice Chris has given. Needs more work before submitting, but good luck with it.

 

[n2so4]

I've had a read and I'll give some feedback.
This is all from my point of view as a reader, rather than a spelling or grammar whiz.

[FONT=&quot]The soft mild scent of rose bay flowers, known as blood vine, blooming on that crisp February morning in the upper reaches of the Southern Carpathian Mountains, embraced the bleeding hunter as though to caress his raw wounds with all the love bestowed to a weary child.[/FONT]

This sentence seems too long and contains too much infomation. The last line seems a bit overly poetic to me.

[FONT=&quot]The Vympyree’s horde, a bunch of pale and bloodthirsty creatures, glared at the wounded hunter with hungry, vehement eyes.[/FONT]

The word 'bunch' doesn't seem to suit the rest of the descriptive style.

[FONT=&quot]The creatures were dead and yet, they were panting hungrily, glaring at everything around them with barbaric, lifeless eyes.[/FONT]

They have lifeless eyes that are also capable of glaring barbarically? The two statements seem at odds; either your eyes are dead and lifeless, or alive and glaring.

[FONT=&quot]They scratched at their patched and peeling skin vehemently, irritated by the constant itch of live skin succumbing to its death throes.[/FONT]

You've vehemently twice now, and this time it's out of place. Vehement means "Angry and furious"... it's not a way I imagine someone picking at their skin.

[FONT=&quot]Each time, the maimed huntsman had picked himself up gallantly and got going after the terrible creature from the Void.[/FONT]

Again, the phrase "Got going again" seems at odds with the rest of the description.


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He propped himself against its stout trunk wearily.

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You've shifted tense here.

[FONT=&quot]The hunter’s eyes were pinpoints of vengeance and his lips, dry and acrid, were moving silently[/FONT]

Do you really mean acrid? Acrid means pungent, sharp or generally smelling acidic. Why are his lips acrid?

Generally it's not a piece I'd read normally. I can see what you're trying to do, but I'm not sure this is read to send to an agent just yet.

 

[Althain's Warden]

Only been able to quickly read it as i'm at work however my main problem with this is that nearing the end of the fight, the hunter has virtually every bone broken ! Broken arms, hands, legs and knees ! I personally find it very hard to believe that a man with broken hands and arms could pull off even one powerfull thrust with a stake. The pain of simply trying to move a broken arm is all consuming and i'm not sure even 'heroic will' can make up for this. Unless (as i may be) i'm missing something from your world set up that isn't in this chapter i find that concept unrealistic.
If there is a genuine reason why the hunter can perform such feats i would consider using another word or two rather than always using broken, some examples could be;

Synonyms:burst, busted, collapsed, cracked, crippled, crumbled, crushed, damaged, defective, demolished, disintegrated, dismembered, fractured, fragmentary, fragmented, hurt, in pieces, injured, mangled, mutilated, pulverized, rent, riven, ruptured, separated, severed, shattered, shivered, shredded, slivered, smashed, split
Taken from thesaurus. com
Just my 2cents, other than that i quite enjoyed it. That said pay more attention to those others whose opinions are more knowledgable than my own !
Good luck with the agent

 

[BSCVadhan]

That's his curse, that he would roam the Earth an immortal with unhealed festering wounds. So he's pretty much gotten used to fighting. His pain has been the only constant companion. His curse's come to an end now, that's why he's saved at the end of the chapter.