The Phantom

[BSCVadhan]

[FONT=&quot]Chapter-12[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The Phantom[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]On the way back home from the sprawling Chennai airport, the Professor was looking forward to a quiet respite. He visualised himself ensconced in his comfy chair, basking in the warm soft sunlight bouncing of his swimming pool, the coconut tree branches leaning idly onto his terrace, rustling lazily in the breeze. He imagined himself reading a treatise on Ramayana to the lilting tunes of the Gypsy Kings or the new age Vedic hymns composed by A.R. Rahman. Kashyap had to confess that he was sick and tired of the humdrum of early morning and late night flights and living out of a suitcase. His mind was charged with ideas and he wanted to test them. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Kashyap’s Penthouse apartment was on the South block within a gate community in the posh Sastri Nagar, South Chennai. Just as his Mercedes taxi was entering the building, a bunch of police cars came trooping out of the complex. To the Professor, the steady flow of police traffic at all times of day was a regular sight. This was mainly due to a hot shot policeman, to whom rules of civil society did not seem to apply, who was resident of one of the apartments in the North block. However, the hapless taxi driver, like all taxi drivers, was acutely averse to the police for his own reasons.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The taxi screeched to an abrupt halt, making its back seat occupant collide with the head rest of the front seat. Kashyap brought up his arms to soften the impact purely by reflex, the Mercedes had enough padding. Kashyap cursed softly. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“I am sorry sir” said the driver just as he pulled the car away from the approaching police vehicles warily. In the lead car was a tall hefty man rattling orders into the police broadband. The taxi dutifully waited for the police cars to pass before it cruised into the gated community and came to halt at the south block. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Kashyap recalled that the hefty cop had a terrible reputation. He was on the front page of the newspapers sporadically for all the wrong reasons; police brutality was the most common reason. Most people in the gated community were petrified of him. On several occasions Kashyap had seen the policeman dashing in and out of the condo at various hours of day and night. As per the musings of a worried neighbour, the policeman was what they called an ‘encounter specialist’. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Kashyap had only a vague idea about encounter specialists. He recalled that they were the unmentioned and unofficial ‘on the edge’ executioners in the police force who compromised highly dangerous criminals with a bullet in the head. This they did, in the guise of a fake shoot out, which they euphemised as an ‘encounter’. Their cloak and dagger operations were an open secret but everyone looked the other way.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“What about due process of law, how do we know someone’s a criminal?” Kashyap had asked. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Guys like him usually make an appearance after due process fails.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A book on ‘The life and times of an encounter specialist’ would make a wonderful read, Kashyap thought acidly. What kind of a life was that? What would a guy like that be thinking? Kashyap shuddered as he stepped onto the private elevator.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The doors of the lift opened into the living room and Kashyap walked into his apartment, bone tired and ready to sink into bed. He didn’t sink into bed. Instead he stood stunned. Through the pale light of the night sky, reluctantly obtruding into his home, he saw the apparition floating in mid air, right in front of him, stealthily draped in phantasmal shadow. Kashyap’s heart stalled a beat.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]He whirled around and banged on the button to get the lift to open. He was sure he was having one of his visions. Now, the professor realized, he was seeing apparitions hanging out in his apartment.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
The thing was between seven to eight feet tall. It appeared to be a man holding a huge mace on his shoulder. Kashyap could only make out a sinister silhouette. His mind was racing towards possible rationalizations.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]It was the stress. Kashyap figured the stress of the past few months had been too much and he was cracking up. Obsessive people usually ended up seeing their obsessions come to life, he knew. But he also knew that he was hardly obsessive in that sense of the term. He could hardly picture himself as being a schizophrenic or psychotic, yet here it was; a piece from his own nightmares. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Kashyap edged against the wall, his thoughts had failed him. He could clearly hear his heart thumping violently against his chest. His every instinct was on the alert. He had naturally adopted the fighting stance he had trained for in his Aikido classes, legs slightly bent at the knees, back straight but loose, hands extended at the elbows, fingers rigid. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]He pulled out his mobile phone, still maintaining the stance. He dialed the first number that first came to his mind. He needed to talk to someone…anyone, just to reassure himself that he was not stuck in some limbo. An eerie song from an old Hindi film started playing in the background, from behind the apparition. It was a ghostly song from “[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Bees Saal baad[/FONT][FONT=&quot]”,[/FONT][FONT=&quot] an old Hindi supernatural Thriller.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]A dark recess in Kashyap’s mind recalled the song, the name of the movie and the names of the actors and actresses with alarming clarity. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]‘[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Is it from my previous life? What’s happening to me?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]’[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Kashyap’s groping fingers found the light switch and pressed on the knob for all he was worth. The room exploded in light... and the apparition burst open and filled the room with festoons. Raju and Deepa along with Roni were laughing helplessly at his plight. Behind them were at least a dozen of his friends all in various stages of mirth. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]A balloon[/FONT][FONT=&quot]![/FONT][FONT=&quot] Roni’s mobile phone was ringing and the ring tone was an Hindi song. Kashyap’s weary heart reduced its accelerated beat gladly and he burst into a sweat. He sank into the comfort of an overstuffed leather sofa just as Roni came prancing along, like a ballerina, holding a glass of cool water.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]“My Lord you called?” she asked impishly, showing him her mobile phone display. In his angst, Kashyap had called her number. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]‘[/FONT][FONT=&quot]She’s the only person I can think of’.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The thought warmed his heart. Kashyap gulped the down the water, managing to look sheepish at the same time. In the light, the now deflated balloon appeared crude. It was milk white in colour, had large flat dead fish eyes and a big hairy moustache crudely pinned to its cheap plastic face. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]“Who the hell is that?” asked Kashyap between peals of uncertain laughter. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]“Maybe, it’s you” said a soft pitched but assertive voice, somehow familiar but which Kashyap couldn’t quite recall.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The Professor turned around and found the little midget from the New Delhi conference [/FONT][FONT=&quot]in the apartment[/FONT][FONT=&quot].[/FONT][FONT=&quot] Standing right behind the midget was his bum-chum and man Friday, Raju, with a silly dazed smile flashing across his thin bearded face like a neon sign.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]“Ok, folks listen up, like we are partying tonite because our great professor, the indomitable asshole, could find time only now for us. Before we start, like, I want to introduce the rappy to Cash” said Raju[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]“The who?” asked Kashyap [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“This little powder keg calls hisself The Rap Sage.” [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
Kashyap couldn’t quite place his finger on exactly what about the midget troubled him. He triggered a sense of urgency deep inside, an eagerness to get that, something about to happen, to be over with. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
“Hi” said Kashyap warily.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Laughing merrily for no apparent reason, the little man took Kashyap by his hand and walked the professor out into the terrace, beside the pool. Kashyap followed the little midget tamely, having no energy to refuse the little man. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Someone we both know wants to talk to you” the Rap Sage said quietly. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Lemme guess, is it The Godfather?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“You must meet Aswathaman”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“What, What for?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“He can explain your dreams” the sage whispered conspiratorally.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Kashyap started.[/FONT][FONT=&quot]‘How does he know about my dreams?’[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Off late, his dreams, visions, whatever they were, were not limited to sleep time. They had transgressed into the waking period, like during the Delhi seminar, when he was fully convinced someone had shot an arrow through him.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Kashyap was becoming fairly convinced that his subconscious and conscious mind were overlapping each other, in short, the professor was convinced that he was going mad. To top it all there was a zany midget on his terrace, convincing him to talk about his mental ailment with a metaphoric figure.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“I don’t know how you know about my…dreams…tell you what, why don’t you just leave me alone?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Come to Rishikesh. Come to the path of the Bharat Mandir temple. I will take you to your master.” The Rap Sage declared solemnly, in answer.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“No one is my master little man, I am my own master”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “I told him it was too early, he wouldn’t believe me”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“You told who?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“The big bullock of course, he said you were ready”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“The Bullock?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The Rap Sage thought it best not to mention Nandeswar, the twelve foot Bull-god.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “It is imperative that you meet with Aswathaman.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Listen, Aswathaman is a character in an Epic. Assuming the legend is true and he is still around, why would I want to meet him?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Because he needs you, we need you. Kashyap you just don’t know how important you are”.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Right…I am important now. Lemme guess, I have to save the world”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Much more than just this world”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“The universe then”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Much more”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Oh please! Get your head examined. I am a professor of Mythology, not a..a…I don’t know!, savior or fighter.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Believe what you want to son. Its imperative you come with me. Just give me one chance.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Listen you…I’m done here alright? Done! Get it? So please leave me alone. I am tired and I have guests to entertain. Have a drink and find someone else for your stories.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Aswathaman wants your help.” The Rap Sage didn’t know what else to say.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot] “Glad to know it, if he needs my help ask him to give me a shout”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Why do you think I am here you idiot?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Hey, back off.” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Ok! If you are interested, come to Rishikesh in two weeks. If not, let this go as a ranting of a mad midget”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Will do” Kashyap muttered under his breath. He meant to let it go as a ranting of a [/FONT][FONT=&quot]raving mad, insane[/FONT][FONT=&quot] midget.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
The Rap Sage walked away from the terrace. He knew Kashyap was not in the least convinced. He chuckled to himself. Other methods had to be used to coerce the professor. Soon the little sage was lost in the crowd inside the penthouse. Kashyap only hoped that was the last he would see of him. He couldn’t have been more wrong. Kashyap was searching for Raju. He was standing by the music system changing compact discs. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Who was that guy?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Which guy?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“The Rap Sage”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“The who?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“That little short man you introduced me too”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Like what little short man, hey Cash, u awright dude?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Kashyap gaped at Raju, “is this a joke?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Hey Roni, did we introduce this guy to a Rap Sage?” Raju was laughing now[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“What? Isn’t that the same name you mentioned in Delhi?” She walked upto to kashyap, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Cash baby, aww! What’s the matter, here come to momma, I’ll give you all that you need”[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Roni took him by his arm and led Kashyap into the bed room. He was still peering at Raju suspiciously when she locked the door behind her. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Then there was bliss…and dreams.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Kashyap woke up the next day from a deep slumber. Still, there was stuff he couldn’t remember; funny trees with moaning branches, german sherperds with wings or where they wolves? A promise by a white shadow! An offer of untold wealth and power, a strange confusing dream it was.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]As usual the dream had been very hazy, like a dream within a dream, a weird feeling…. Kashyap considered that sometime soon he would have to go visit a psychiatrist. He was seeing midgets no one else saw, he was getting his dream job…in a dream, with offers of untold wealth. The Professor was more than a little worried.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Faint soft notes of a tune, intermixing with the tinkle of water from the shower, penetrated his fragile thoughts. Presently, a radiant Roni stepped out of the shower, wrapped skimpily in a towel. She changed hurriedly.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Hey baby, what’s the hurry?” Kashyap called from the bed. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She smiled at him sweetly. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“I gotta rush. Daddyji is going to be so freaked out.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Kashyap bounced out of bed and pulled her to him. “Stay a while”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She pushed him right back on the bed. Roni’s eyes flashed.
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Cash marry me; I’ll stay with you for the rest of my life. This is India after all, my parents are sick and tired of this whole affair thing, they want us to tie the knot as soon as possible.” [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]This was sensitive ground. Kashyap realized he had to tread easy lest the ground caved in under him. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Sure baby, not a problem. I’ll come home one of these days and talk to your parents”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“No! Come home today. Lets get it over with and if you even as much as think of wriggling away from me this time I’ll fry your thingys and have them for breakfast” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Kashyap gulped. “Ok, I’ll come today” he said meekly. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Three in the afternoon, for tea!” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Ok” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Roni gazed at him for a moment with mock outrage. Then she gave him one of those dazzling smiles of hers. [/FONT]


‘What the hell! She actually loves me enough to marry me. What else can I ask for?’
[FONT=&quot]

“That’s much better you silly goose” she said.


She leaned over, ruffled his hair, kissed him lightly on the cheeks and slid out of the room with a spring in her step. Kashyap jumped out of bed, all thoughts of dreams and dwarfs forgotten. He followed Roni, enjoying the view, she turned around nonchalantly. Thick, wavy brown hair danced around her, she waved to him and stepped into the lift.


[/FONT]

 

[zachariah]

I really like it. Nothing to report on the grammar and style, although I would say I felt the party scene and the meeting with the midget was very rushed - don't be afraid to linger when you need to.

I haven't read the previous 11 chapters. I am concerned that if the professor and his meeting with the gods (and subsequent quest on their behalf) is the main thrust of your story, then waiting until chapter 12 to get it going is too late. If this is a side-story, ignore that.

 

[BSCVadhan]

The Professor is one of nine guardians who have to safeguard a device. The little Rap Sage is one of them and so is the man called Aswathaman. The professor is probably the most violent and dangerous of the guardians but he doesnt know it yet!

 

[zachariah]

Ah yes I completely forgot I'd already left a comment on the synopsis you posted. I must say, I would never have linked the two if you hadn't prompted me. The extract above reads like an intelligent modern urban fantasy thriller (with exotic Indian backdrop), but the synopsis made it sound...well... don't take this the wrong way, but a bit like a trashy Lovecraftian fanfic (anything mentioning an Elder God is going to attract that association).

You don't even mention it's set in India, present day - this could well be a major selling point. I now think your synopsis needs a major re-work!...For all the right reasons.

 

[BSCVadhan]

I am at my wits end with the synopsis. First of all, i dont know how I can say all the relevant things on one page. Secondly, though there are lots of tips, there arent any formats I can find. Thirdly, the story is about preventing an elder of creation from trying to destroy elemental locks that will bring about end of days. Nine guardians are pitted against this all powerful adversary. The professor is one of them. Now how do I say all this and make it sound attractive? For instance, I completely misled you!

Ah yes I completely forgot I'd already left a comment on the synopsis you posted. I must say, I would never have linked the two if you hadn't prompted me. The extract above reads like an intelligent modern urban fantasy thriller (with exotic Indian backdrop), but the synopsis made it sound...well... don't take this the wrong way, but a bit like a trashy Lovecraftian fanfic (anything mentioning an Elder God is going to attract that association).

You don't even mention it's set in India, present day - this could well be a major selling point. I now think your synopsis needs a major re-work!...For all the right reasons.

 

[chrispenycate]

[FONT=&quot]Chapter-12[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The Phantom[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]On the way back home from the sprawling Chennai airport, the Professor was looking forward to a quiet respite. He visualised himself ensconced in his comfy chair, basking in the warm soft sunlight bouncing of

off

his swimming pool, the coconut tree branches

coconut palms don't do 'branch'

leaning idly onto his terrace, rustling lazily in the breeze. He imagined himself reading a treatise on Ramayana to the lilting tunes of the Gypsy Kings or the new age Vedic hymns composed by A.R. Rahman. Kashyap had to confess that he was sick and tired of the humdrum of early morning and late night flights and living out of a suitcase. His mind was charged with ideas and he wanted to test them.


Kashyap’s

no capital "P": thats a magazine

Penthouse apartment was on the South block within a gate community in the posh Sastri Nagar, South Chennai. Just as his Mercedes taxi was entering the building, a bunch of police cars came trooping out of the complex. To the Professor, the steady flow of police traffic at all times of day was a regular sight. This was mainly due to a hot shot policeman, to whom rules of civil society did not seem to apply, who was resident of one of the apartments in the North block. However, the hapless taxi driver, like all taxi drivers, was acutely averse to the police for his own reasons.


The taxi screeched to an abrupt halt, making its back seat occupant collide with the head rest of the front seat. Kashyap brought up his arms to soften the impact purely by reflex,

semicolon

the Mercedes had enough padding. Kashyap cursed softly.


“I am sorry sir” said the driver

comma

just as he pulled the car away from the approaching police vehicles warily

move the "warily" back before "away"?

. In the lead car was a tall

comma

hefty man rattling orders into the police broadband. The taxi dutifully waited for the police cars to pass before it cruised into the gated community and came to halt at the south block.


Kashyap recalled that the hefty cop had a terrible reputation. He was on the front page of the newspapers sporadically for all the wrong reasons; police brutality was the most common reason

police brutality being the most common one? (to avoid the repetition of "reason"

. Most people in the gated community were petrified of him. On several occasions Kashyap had seen the policeman dashing in and out of the condo at various hours of day and night. As per the musings of a worried neighbour, the policeman was what they called an ‘encounter specialist’.


Kashyap had only a vague idea about encounter specialists. He recalled that they were the unmentioned and unofficial ‘on the edge’ executioners in the police force who 'compromised' highly dangerous criminals with a bullet in the head. This they did,

no comma

in the guise of a fake shoot out, which they euphemised as an ‘encounter’. Their cloak and dagger operations were an open secret but everyone looked the other way.

“What about due process of law, how do we know someone’s a criminal?” Kashyap had asked.


“Guys like him usually make an appearance after due process fails.”

Grammatically "has failed", but dialogue?

A book on ‘The life and times of an encounter specialist’ would make a wonderful read, Kashyap thought acidly. What kind of a life was that? What would a guy like that be thinking? Kashyap shuddered as he stepped onto the private elevator.


The doors of the lift opened into the living room and Kashyap walked into his apartment, bone tired and ready to sink into bed. He didn’t sink into bed. Instead he stood stunned. Through the pale light of the night sky, reluctantly obtruding into his home, he saw the apparition floating in mid air, right in front of him, stealthily draped in phantasmal shadow. Kashyap’s heart stalled

for, or missed a beat

a beat.


[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]He whirled around and banged on the button to get the lift to open. He was sure he was having one of his visions. Now, the professor realized, he was seeing apparitions hanging out in his apartment.


The thing was between seven to eight feet tall. It appeared to be a man holding a huge mace on his shoulder. Kashyap could only make out a sinister silhouette. His mind was racing towards possible rationalizations.


It was the stress. Kashyap figured the stress of the past few months had been too much and he was cracking up. Obsessive people usually ended up seeing their obsessions come to life, he knew. But he also knew that he was hardly obsessive in that sense of the term. He could hardly picture himself as being a schizophrenic or psychotic, yet here it was; a piece from his own nightmares.

Kashyap edged against the wall,

either a semicolon here, or "his thoughts failing him"

his thoughts had failed him. He could clearly hear his heart thumping violently against his chest. His every instinct was on the alert. He had naturally adopted the fighting stance he had trained for in his Aikido classes, legs slightly bent at the knees, back straight but loose, hands extended at the elbows, fingers rigid.

He pulled out his mobile phone, still maintaining the stance. He dialed the first number that first

don't need two "first"s

came to his mind. He needed to talk to someone…anyone, just to reassure himself that he was not stuck in some limbo. An eerie song from an old Hindi film started playing in the background, from behind the apparition. It was a ghostly song from “Bees Saal baad”, an old Hindi supernatural Thriller.


A dark recess in Kashyap’s mind recalled the song, the name of the movie and the names of the actors and actresses with alarming clarity. Is it from my previous life? What’s happening to me?

Kashyap’s groping fingers found the light switch and pressed on the knob for all he was worth. The room exploded in light... and the apparition burst open and filled the room with festoons. Raju and Deepa along with Roni were laughing helplessly at his plight. Behind them were at least a dozen of his friends all in various stages of mirth.

Roni’s mobile phone was ringing and the ring tone was an

"a", not "an"

Hindi song. Kashyap’s weary heart reduced its accelerated beat gladly and he burst into a sweat. He sank into the comfort of an overstuffed leather sofa just as Roni came prancing along, like a ballerina, holding a glass of cool water.

“My Lord

comma

you called?” she asked impishly, showing him her mobile phone display. In his angst, Kashyap had called her number.

She’s the only person I can think of’.
The thought warmed his heart. Kashyap gulped the down the water, managing to look sheepish at the same time. In the light, the now deflated balloon appeared crude. It was milk white in colour, had large flat dead fish eyes and a big hairy moustache crudely pinned to its cheap plastic face.


“Who the hell is that?” asked Kashyap between peals of uncertain laughter.

“Maybe,

no comma

it’s you” said a soft pitched

pitch is note of the voice (high pitch, bass, soft is for the timbre

but assertive voice, somehow familiar

comma

but which Kashyap couldn’t quite recall.


The Professor turned around and found the little midget from the New Delhi conference in the apartment. Standing right behind the midget was his bum-chum and man Friday, Raju, with a silly dazed smile flashing across his thin bearded face like a neon sign.


“Ok, folks

comma here (but possibly not before "folks"

listen up, like we are partying tonite because our great professor, the indomitable asshole, could find time only now for us. Before we start, like, I want to introduce the rappy to Cash” said Raju

“The who?” asked Kashyap.


“This little powder keg calls hisself The Rap Sage.”


Kashyap couldn’t quite place his finger on exactly what about the midget troubled him. He triggered a sense of urgency deep inside, an eagerness to get that, something about to happen, to be over with.


“Hi” said Kashyap warily.


Laughing merrily for no apparent reason, the little man took Kashyap by his hand and walked the professor out into the terrace, beside the pool. Kashyap followed the little midget tamely, having no energy to refuse the little man.

too many repetitions of "little"

“Someone we both know wants to talk to you” the Rap Sage said quietly.


“Lemme guess, is it The Godfather?”


“You must meet Aswathaman”


“What,

question mark

What for?”


“He can explain your dreams” the sage whispered conspiratorally.

conspiratorially

Kashyap started.‘How does he know about my dreams?’]
Off

Of late

late, his dreams, visions, whatever they were, were not limited to sleep time. They had transgressed

are you sure "transgressed" (to offend by breaking a law, to exceed, to infringe) is the word you want here?

into the waking period, like during the Delhi seminar, when he was

had been

fully convinced someone had shot an arrow through him.


Kashyap was becoming fairly convinced that his subconscious and conscious mind were overlapping each other,

semicolon

in short, the professor was convinced that he was going mad. To top it all there was a zany midget on his terrace, convincing him to talk about his mental ailment with a metaphoric

metaphorical

figure.


“I don’t know how you know about my…dreams…tell you what, why don’t you just leave me alone?”


“Come to Rishikesh. Come to the path of the Bharat Mandir temple. I will take you to your master.” The Rap Sage declared solemnly, in answer.


“No one is my master

comma

little man, I am my own master”


“I told him it was too early, he wouldn’t believe me”


“You told who?”


“The big bullock of course,

full stop

he said you were ready”


“The Bullock?”


The Rap Sage thought it best not to mention Nandeswar, the twelve foot Bull-god.


“It is imperative that you meet with Aswathaman.”


“Listen, Aswathaman is a character in an Epic. Assuming the legend is true and he is still around, why would I want to meet him?”


“Because he needs you, we need you. Kashyap

comma

you just don’t know how important you are”.


“Right…I am important now. Lemme guess, I have to save the world

question mark

”


[“Much more than just this world

full stop

”


“The universe then

question mark

”


“Much more

full stop

”


“Oh please! Get your head examined. I am a professor of Mythology, not a..a…I don’t know!, savior or fighter.”


[FONT=&quot]“Believe what you want to

comma

son. Its

It's

imperative you come with me. Just give me one chance.”[/FONT]

“Listen you…I’m done here

comma

alright? Done! Get it? So please leave me alone. I am tired and I have guests to entertain. Have a drink and find someone else for your stories.”


“Aswathaman wants your help.” The Rap Sage didn’t know what else to say.


“Glad to know it, if he needs my help ask him to give me a shout

full stop

”


“Why do you think I am here you idiot?”


“Hey, back off.”


“Ok! If you are interested, come to Rishikesh in two weeks. If not, let this go as a ranting of a mad midget

full stop

”


“Will do” Kashyap muttered under his breath. He meant to let it go as a ranting of a raving mad, insane midget.


The Rap Sage walked away from the terrace. He knew Kashyap was not in the least convinced. He chuckled to himself. Other methods had to be used to coerce the professor. Soon the little sage was lost in the crowd inside the penthouse. Kashyap only hoped that was the last he would see of him. He couldn’t have been more wrong. Kashyap was searching for Raju. He was standing by the music system changing compact discs.


“Who was that guy?”


“Which guy?”


“The Rap Sage”


“The who?”


“That little short man you introduced me too”


“Like what little short man,

question mark

hey Cash, u awright dude?”


Kashyap gaped at Raju, “is this a joke?”


“Hey Roni, did we introduce this guy to a Rap Sage?” Raju was laughing now

full stop

[FONT=&quot]“What? Isn’t that the same name you mentioned in Delhi?” She walked upto to

one "to" (I know, three for)capital "K"

kashyap, [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]“Cash baby, aww! What’s the matter,

question mark, capital "H", comma after "here"

here come to momma, I’ll give you all that you need”

Roni took him by his arm and led Kashyap into the bed room

bedroom

. He was still peering at Raju suspiciously when she locked the door behind her.

Then there was bliss…and dreams.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Kashyap woke up the next day from a deep slumber. Still, there was stuff he couldn’t remember; funny trees with moaning branches, german sherperds

shepherds?

with wings semicolon; and "were", not "where" or where they wolves? A promise by a white shadow! An offer of untold wealth and power, a strange confusing dream it was.
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]As usual the dream had been very hazy, like a dream within a dream, a weird feeling…. Kashyap considered that sometime soon he would have to go visit a psychiatrist. He was seeing midgets no one else saw, he was getting his dream job…in a dream, with offers of untold wealth. The Professor was more than a little worried.


Faint soft notes of a tune, intermixing with the tinkle of water from the shower, penetrated his fragile thoughts. Presently, a radiant Roni stepped out of the shower, wrapped skimpily in a towel. She changed hurriedly.
“Hey baby, what’s the hurry?” Kashyap called from the bed.


She smiled at him sweetly. [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]“I gotta rush. Daddyji is going to be so freaked out.”[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]Kashyap bounced out of bed and pulled her to him. “Stay a while”[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]She pushed him right back on the bed. Roni’s eyes flashed.
[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]“Cash

comma

marry me; I’ll stay with you for the rest of my life. This is India after all, my parents are sick and tired of this whole affair thing, they want us to tie the knot as soon as possible.” [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]This was sensitive ground. Kashyap realized he had to tread easy lest the ground caved in under him. [/FONT]

try to avoid the repetition of "ground"

]
[FONT=&quot]“Sure baby, not a problem. I’ll come home one of these days and talk to your parents”[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]“No! Come home today. Lets get it over with and if you even as much as think of wriggling away from me this time I’ll fry your thingys and have them for breakfast”


Kashyap gulped. “Ok, I’ll come today” he said meekly.


“Three in the afternoon, for tea!”


[FONT=&quot]“Ok” [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]Roni gazed at him for a moment with mock outrage. Then she gave him one of those dazzling smiles of hers. [/FONT]


‘What the hell! She actually loves me enough to marry me. What else can I ask for?’
[FONT=&quot]

“That’s much better

comma

you silly goose” she said.


She leaned over, ruffled his hair, kissed him lightly on the cheeks and slid out of the room with a spring in her step. Kashyap jumped out of bed, all thoughts of dreams and dwarfs forgotten. He followed Roni, enjoying the view,

semicolon

she turned around nonchalantly. Thick, wavy brown hair danced around her, she waved to him and stepped into the lift.


[/FONT]

It is not entirely set in modern India, or anywhere on Earth, from what I've understood (I have a slight advantage over you, but the other posts from BSCVadhan in critiques involving various demons and hilltops of unpleasant monsters are all from the same story).

I am at my wits end with the synopsis. First of all, i dont know how I can say all the relevant things on one page.

Write smaller?

I've done some for the seven page version; I'll see if I can manage something for the short.

 

[BSCVadhan]

Chris,
I've seen the synopsis and as usual I've taken your observations very seriously. I've changed the synopsis by introducing all the nine guardians and reducing it to five pages none the less. I dont know if I can make it any shorter but I am gonna try again.

Thanks a ton, I will post the synopsis after another review and see how we can improve this.

Sai