Chapter 13, Kroniikles

[BSCVadhan]

[FONT=&quot]Chapter-13[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]Roni[/FONT]

“Benares is older than history, older than tradition, older even than legend, and looks twice as old as all of them put together”
-Mark Twain.
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Varanasi City, three thousand years old, situated on the banks of the River Ganges, is a cultural centre. Over the ages it’s had many names, Benares, Kasi among them. Kashyap had set his eyes on Roni outside the haloed grounds of the Hindu University in the ancient city. Research on the administrative and operational role of a [/FONT][FONT=&quot]mukya mantri[/FONT][FONT=&quot], [/FONT][FONT=&quot]a chief minister, in a King’s court in AD 506 had drawn Kashyap to the ancient Hindu university in Varanasi. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]When he first saw her, Roni was furtively wiping tears. He walked past her on his way into the university building. Something about the tall, lithe, beautiful Punjabi girl caught his attention. He threw a stealthy sidelong glance at her. A man was babbling to her in animated tones, oblivious to her emotional condition. The man’s voice was loud enough but Kashyap couldn’t make out most of the rapidly spoken Punjabi. He had walked on. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Half way through the loud monologue Rohini swung away from the agitated man and started stalking back into the university building resolutely. At first the man appeared surprised that Roni had actually walked away from him. Then he took off behind her. Kashyap, pretending to tie his shoe lace, had hunkered down to get another look at the beautiful girl. He saw the man rush after her. The minute the man started after the girl he knew there’d be trouble. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]The man grasped Rohini’s hand and swung her around. She tried to break free and the man slapped her once, hard. Roni let out a yelp of pain and landed on the cemented floor of the driveway unceremoniously. Everything went still for a moment as people stopped whatever it was they were doing to stare at the couple. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]A deep anger rose in Kashyap, an urge to annihilate, something he could not recognize because it was alien to his easy nature. Kashyap rose as if in a trance and started walking towards the man in steady, deliberate strides. Something about Kashyap seemed to send warning signals to the fellow. He raised his hand, palms open, in warning. As he neared the man, Kashyap noticed the sallow skin and sunken eyes of a drug addict. His disgust and fury only increased. Kashyap took hold of the wretch’s fingers and twisted with such vehemence that two of the man’s fingers snapped with loud cracks. Even as the man started to scream, Kashyap punched his throat, choking him. He pushed the fellow away slightly and his stiffened fist rammed into the addict’s solar plexus driving the wind out of his lungs, leaving him gasping for breath. The man collapsed to the floor, clutching his chest.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Just as suddenly, the fury within him subsided. Kashyap turned red with shame. He saw the fellow on the ground, still gasping for breath. Kashyap made to pick the guy up. In the meanwhile Rohini had picked herself up gingerly. She saw Kashyap go for the fallen man, she swung her long brown hair back and kicked Kashyap in the shins with all the strength she could muster. A dull [/FONT]thwack[FONT=&quot]! A murmur of disapproval from the crowd! White hot bolts of pain shot all the way up Kashyap’s spine. It was his turn now to gasp in pain.


He stared at the girl in utter outrage. The fallen thug picked himself up painfully, gave Kashyap a look replete with impotent hate and acrimony and without saying a word, he fled the scene. Roni pulled her eyes away from Kashyap; her face, a mask of conflicting emotions. She walked away rapidly into the university building, her fingers bunched as a fist, leaving him alone to rub his knees painfully. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
“Thank you” a whisper.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]It was late afternoon. Kashyap, seated comfortably in one of the Spartan chairs in the library, tore himself from his research material to look up at the beautiful girl. On seeing Rohini, instinctively the Professor pulled his knees to himself. He’s simply nodded and made to get up off the chair. She blocked his exit. He noticed her ears burning scarlet in embarrassment. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]“Coffee?” she asked softly, here eyes darting here and there before resting on Kashyap. He found himself nodding eagerly. Kashyap observed she was the most beautiful girl he’d seen. Her eyes were light brown, her hair a shade darker around her perfectly oval face. She had long legs and long fingers. Her skin was flawless except for the little black mole on the right lower half of her smooth long neck. She wore a white shirt tucked into a denim skirt. Her perfume was soft and lilting, a little of Jasmine, a little of her own fragrance.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Later, in the coffee shop, with introductions over, apologies given and acknowledged and after hot aromatic cappuccino was served to their table, Rohini told him about the drug addict. It turned out the fellow was a cousin, one among many. He had been pestering her for money to buy crack. When she had refused to give him the money he had hit her. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Why were you crying?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“What am I supposed to do? One of my little brothers is ruined. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]His dad’s my father’s younger brother. He is a nice man, a gentleman. That his son should be such a wastrel! Manpreet was a good student. I don’t know what’s become of him.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Ok”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]“Thank you again, I am sorry about that…err kick! It’s just that he is family and I knew the kid in better times.” She said in a soft voice. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]Kashyap smiled broadly.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]“That’s alright then. Just give me a week’s notice next time there’s a family reunion, I’ll get as far away as I can.” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]She laughed “Am I really that bad?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]Kashyap reddened perceptibly. “Oh no, no…you are…something else” he said, a little breathlessly. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
He learnt that her Parents were from Bathinda, Punjab, in the North of India and had settled down in Chennai on the Southern tip of the country. Her father had moved to Chennai on business and settled down. Roni was born in Chennai. She could speak perfect Tamil, Punjabi, Hindi and English. [/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]At just about five feet seven inches she was his perfect picture of a woman; strong, beautiful, demure and resolute. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Kashyap realized very early into their relationship that Rohini was by nature a happy person. Unhappiness in all its connotations and variations was alien to her. Like all Punjabis she was upfront, forthright and short tempered. Kashyap loved being around her. Roni, on the other hand, found the Professor to be humourous, easy natured, patient and distracted. The last quality she liked the most because she thought he looked sexy when his thoughts were far away and his eyes took on a dreamy quality. She was also a little wary of him, she’d seen him angry and there was something…demonic in his rage, like he was an uncontrollable force of nature. She liked it though, she felt safe.[/FONT]


[FONT=&quot]Three months after they’d first met, Kashyap made love to Rohini. When he entered her, it was as though a brilliant sun had descended into him, ensconcing him in its heat. The relish of the love making lingered in his mind for long time. It was as though a part of her was sizzled into him through their passion. Her taste and fragrance filled him. In the two years he’d known her, Kashyap never once felt his passion fading or his desire waning. He was slated to meet her parents that afternoon to ask for her hand in marriage. His heart missed a beat.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Kashyap had a cold water bath that morning. He pulled on Khaki linen pants and a white cotton shirt. He looped a dull cream tie and jumped into a pair of burgundy leather shoes. He rushed to the university for his only session for the day. By noon he was exhausted. He quickly finished a light lunch consisting of a couple of Idlis and coconut chutney with sambar- lentil gravy at the university cafeteria and withdrew to his room. He deduced that he had a couple of hours before meeting Rohini. By sheer impulse he picked a copy of the epic, Mahabharat. By default, Kashyap read only those portions of the epic that had details of Aswathaman, which was very little, when compared to the other centrifugal characters of the epic.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]There was something about the legend and myth of the Warrior Mage Aswathaman that belied logic. The incomplete nature of the Mage’s story mystified the professor. The Kurukshetra war, the war of wars, was supposed to have been six thousand five hundred years ago. It was a result of deceit and was based on lies and fraudulence. Kashyap couldn’t help thinking that Aswathaman was made a fall guy.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]By whom, and for what?[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
Kashyap came out of his reverie gradually. The room came back into focus. He checked for time with the wall-clock and sat bolt upright. The clock showed two fifty five in the afternoon. He was five minutes away from his appointment with Roni’s parents. Kashyap wondered where the two hours had gone. He bounded out of his chair and dashed out of the room. Kashyap reached his car in just under one minute. He cranked the engine of the Chevy Aveo and roared out of the university building. Fortunately he was only about eight kilometers from NRC Nagar where Roni lived with her parents. The car zipped across the Marina Driveway, past Santhome’s famous St. Thomas Cathedral. He reached Foreshore Estate in just under four minutes. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Kashyap jumped the Foreshore Estate signal, unmindful of the angry traffic policeman blaring mouthfuls of expletives. He swerved into 6th Cross Street in MRC Nagar at top speed, missing an absolutely petrified cyclist by a millimetre. The Professor slammed on the brakes hard alongside Roni’s house and jumped out of the car. He was already running up the stairway to her first floor apartment by the time he remembered to activate the remote lock. The car locked itself with an authoritative beep. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Kashyap reached her house in exactly five minutes which made him late by one minute. Twenty seconds later he was at her door. He rang the door bell. There was no answer. He waited impatiently in the scalding Chennai heat. Fortunately MRC Nagar was just a kilometre from the sea and the afternoon breeze had set in. Kashyap sighed lightly, shuffling, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. He did not really know what he was going to say. He hadn’t proposed to anyone before, much less talk about marriage, though he’d had his fill of flings. It was then that he felt it. A strange tingle at the tip of his spine told Kashyap he was being watched. On sheer impulse he whirled around and found The Rap Sage staring at him grimly from the bottom of the stairs. Kashyap started mightily. His heart almost fell out of his mouth. He squeezed his eyes shut and he opened them. The little man was gone. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Even as Kashyap was wondering if it had been only his imagination or one of his visions, a great big hand came crashing against his shoulder, dragging him away from the stairs. The Professor yelled in his fright. Kashyap tried to wriggle out of the vice like grip and craned his neck to see his assailant. Kashyap saw Roni’s father from the edges of his vision. Retired Colonel Ranbir Singh Chawla of the Indian Army was a large and cheruby Sardar, about six feet three inches in height. He came through as being as wide as he was tall. With a large belly tenderly flourishing under his wife’s caring influence, rich food and free flow of liquor, he appeared as a colossus. The Colonel finally yanked a struggling Kashyap into the house.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]“Oye, come come beta, why are you running away?” the good [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Colonel demanded in English, laced generously with typical Punjabi accent. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]Kashyap smiled weakly as he let himself get dragged in. The big Punjabi closed the door behind Kashyap and in the same motion slapped Kashyap’s back resoundingly in a sudden burst of affection. Kashyap floundered forward, struggling hard not to loose his balance. The colonel roared with laughter. His wife, a stern lady of indeterminate age, gave the burly turbaned man an eyeful. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]The Rap Sage was leaning against Kashyap’s Chevy Aveo. He was grim faced. He could sense the vile stench of evil that was seeking to besiege the professor. He was standing guard against it. Funnily, no one noticed him. It was as though sun light did not reflect on him but was passing through the sage.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]Kashyap and Roni walked out of the apartment four hours, eight beers and several tens of chicken and mutton kebabs later. Kashyap patted his bulging stomach affectionately and had politely told her father not to trouble himself and that Rohini could send him off splendidly. They walked hand in hand to the car park. [/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT][FONT=&quot]“Daddyji was happy you came and mummyji of course is very happy that the engagement is on the fourth of December. Do you know that there are only a couple of months left?” Roni asked excitedly.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Yeah, hey listen do we need to come to your house often once we are married?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Why?” Roni’s nostrils flared.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“It maybe nothing really but I fear for my life. I swear it, if your father had hit me just one more time today I would’ve done him in with the butter knife.”[/FONT]
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[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Roni’s mouth opened and closed, she turned beetroot red and Kashyap couldn’t stop laughing. [/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]“Ok, ok, I am sorry awright? What do you want for the [/FONT][FONT=&quot]engagement?” he asked amidst peals of laughter.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Oh, so Mr. Kashyap thinks that he can insult my parents and still hope to marry me, does he?” she demanded haughtily. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Yeah, why?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Roni’s Punjabi blood reached boiling point and she kicked him in the shins, hard. He yelped in pain and hopped around holding his leg.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“But…why’d you kick me…none of your cousins are here” he wailed. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Shut up you *******, just for this you have to get me a diamond necklace and a diamond ring”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Not unless you promise to handcuff your father” said Kashyap weakly, rubbing his bruised shin. She kicked him on his other shin and his eyes watered in pain. He sank to the ground.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Ooooh” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“And a pair of diamond earrings” she said.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Would a diamond studded collar and a leash of gold do instead?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Aree aree, why do you kick him you stupid girl?” called out the large Sardar from behind the curtained window overlooking the street from where he had been furtively watching his daughter and future son in law.[/FONT]
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[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Its ok sir, it’s better than the pounding I got from you” Kashyap muttered under his breath waving affably.[/FONT]
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[FONT=&quot]“Cash, please!” Roni said stomping her foot and he took her in his arms. Her father withdrew from the window quietly, abashed. [/FONT]
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[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“I am crazy about you, you do know that” he whispered and hugged her tight. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Shut up! Does it hurt?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]“Not as much as your father’s love”, he said laughing. She chuckled reluctantly.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
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[FONT=&quot]“You’re so mean” she declared. They kissed briefly and he slid behind the wheel of the Aveo.[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]
He reversed out of her drive. Roni was standing at the end of the drive, ready to wave to him. Kashyap adjusted his rearview mirror to get a view of her and found The Rap Sage sitting in the back seat, staring him straight in the eye. Kashyap nearly stood up on the brakes, bringing the car to an abrupt halt. He whirled around. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]There was no one.[/FONT][FONT=&quot] He saw into the rear view mirror again. There was no sign of Roni. [/FONT][FONT=&quot]Could something have happened to Roni in that split second when his concentration was broken?[/FONT][FONT=&quot]
[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]A chill ran down Kashyap’s spine as the thought crossed his mind. He knew it was a foolish notion but the thought of losing her was… devastating. He reversed hurriedly; honking on the horn several times, until Roni came running out. He waved to her. Laughing, she waved back. Reassured he drove away, consciously avoiding thoughts of the Rap Sage.[/FONT]

 

[chrispenycate]

Will everybody know the colonel is a Sikh? 'Punjabi' said that to me instantly, so gave me a picture to work with (although a "cherubic" Sikh is a touch difficult).

For me, you're putting in too many street signs. Yes, a couple of touches adds verisimilitude; but the reader doesn't need a street map to get from a to b, you're driving him.

Also for me (we'll have to wait for more comptetnt style gurus) the continuous sequence of very short, 'She did this.', type sentences gets annoying fairly rapidly. This is not to say they should drag on half a page, as mine frequently do but "She had long legs and long fingers. Her skin was flawless except for the little black mole on the right lower half of her smooth long neck. She wore a white shirt tucked into a denim skirt." could even lose some word total in being made into a smoother, more lyrical flow.

Chapter-13

Roni

“Benares is older than history, older than tradition, older even than legend, and looks twice as old as all of them put together”
-Mark Twain.


Varanasi City, three thousand years old, situated on the banks of the River Ganges, is a cultural centre. Over the ages it’s had many names,

colon, and an "and" rather than the next comma

Benares, Kasi among them. Kashyap had

first?

set his eyes on Roni outside the haloed

do you actually mean they had a luminous ring floating over them, or is that "hallowed"?

grounds of the Hindu University in the ancient city. Research on the administrative and operational role of a mukya mantri, a chief minister, in a King’s court in AD 506 had drawn Kashyap to the ancient Hindu university in Varanasi.

compact this, remove repetition of "ancient, university"

When he first saw her, Roni was furtively wiping tears. He walked past her on his way into the university building. Something about the tall, lithe, beautiful Punjabi girl caught his attention. He threw a stealthy sidelong glance at her. A man was babbling to her in animated tones, oblivious to her emotional condition. The man’s voice was loud enough but Kashyap couldn’t make out most of the rapidly spoken Punjabi. He had walked on.

I can understand you not wanting to put the entire paragraph in the pluperfect (When he had first seen her Roni had been furtively wiping away tears…) but why drop into it for the last sentence? And the sequence of very short sentences makes this paragraph very 'choppy'

Half way through the loud monologue Rohini swung away from the agitated man and started

"resolutely" here?

stalking back into the university building resolutely. At first the man appeared surprised that Roni had actually walked away from him. Then he took off behind her. Kashyap, pretending to tie his shoe lace, had hunkered down to get another look at the beautiful girl. He saw the man rush after her. The minute the man started after the girl he knew there’d be trouble.

the two last sentences could be profitably combined

The man grasped Rohini’s hand and swung her around. She tried to break free and the man slapped her once, hard. Roni let out a yelp of pain and landed

"unceremoniously" here?

on the cemented floor of the

what do you lose if you take out "floor of the"?

driveway unceremoniously. Everything went still for a moment as people stopped whatever it was they were doing to stare at the couple.



A deep anger rose in Kashyap, an urge to annihilate, something he could not recognize because it was alien to his easy nature. Kashyap rose as if in a trance and started walking towards the man in steady, deliberate strides. Something about Kashyap seemed to send warning signals to the fellow. He raised his hand, palms open, in warning. As he neared the man, Kashyap noticed the sallow skin and sunken eyes of a drug addict. His disgust and fury only increased. Kashyap took hold of the wretch’s fingers and twisted with such vehemence that two of the man’s fingers snapped with loud cracks.

eliminate the repetition of "fingers".

Even as the man started to scream, Kashyap punched his throat, choking him. He pushed the fellow away slightly and his stiffened

do you "stiffen" a fist? Generally it's clenched.

fist rammed into the addict’s solar plexus

comma

driving the wind out of his lungs, leaving him gasping for breath. The man collapsed to the floor, clutching his chest.



Just as suddenly, the fury within him subsided. Kashyap turned red with shame. He saw the fellow on the ground, still gasping for breath. Kashyap made to pick the guy up. In the meanwhile Rohini had picked herself up

comma

gingerly. She saw Kashyap go for the fallen man,

Either this is a sentence separation, or you need a "When" or a "Seeing Kashap go…" at the beginning of the sentence, Since you've just got through another mass of short sentences, probably better the latter

she swung her long brown hair back and kicked Kashyap in the shins with all the strength she could muster. A dull thwack!

two successive fragments (lack verbs) Possibly insert "was followed by"?

A murmur of disapproval from the crowd! White hot bolts of pain shot all the way up Kashyap’s spine. It was his turn now to gasp in pain.


He stared at the girl in utter outrage. The fallen thug picked himself up painfully, gave Kashyap a look replete with impotent hate and acrimony and

comma

without saying a word, he fled the scene. Roni pulled her eyes away from Kashyap;

just a comma

her face,

no comma

a mask of conflicting emotions. She walked away rapidly into the university building, her fingers bunched as a fist, leaving him alone to rub his knees painfully.


“Thank you

full stop and a capital "A" (the "A whisper" is a fragment. You could put a "came" in front of it, and a comma after "Thank you".

” a whisper.
It was late afternoon. Kashyap, seated comfortably in one of the Spartan chairs in the library, tore himself from his research material to look up at the beautiful girl. On seeing Rohini, instinctively the Professor pulled his knees to himself.

"pulled his knees to himself"? Where had they been?

He’s

just "He", it's neither possessivenor a contraction.

simply nodded and made to get up off the chair. She blocked his exit. He noticed her ears burning scarlet in embarrassment.


“Coffee?” she asked softly, here

her

eyes darting here and there before resting on Kashyap. He found himself nodding eagerly. Kashyap observed she was the most beautiful girl he’d seen. Her eyes were light brown, her hair a shade darker around her perfectly oval face. Her perfume was soft and lilting, a little of Jasmine, a little of her own fragrance.


Later, in the coffee shop, with introductions over, apologies given and acknowledged and after hot aromatic cappuccino was served to their table, Rohini told him about the drug addict. It turned out the fellow was a cousin, one among many. He had been pestering her for money to buy crack. When she had refused to give him the money he had hit her.


“Why were you crying?”


“What am I supposed to do? One of my little brothers is ruined. His dad’s my father’s younger brother. He is a nice man, a gentleman. That his son should be such a wastrel! Manpreet was a good student. I don’t know what’s become of him.”


“Ok”


“Thank you again, I am sorry about that…err kick! It’s just that he is family and I knew the kid in better times.” She said in a soft voice.


Kashyap smiled broadly.


“That’s alright then. Just give me a week’s notice next time there’s a family reunion, I’ll get as far away as I can.”


She laughed

full stop

“Am I really that bad?”


Kashyap reddened perceptibly. “Oh no, no…you are…something else

comma

” he said, a little breathlessly.


He learnt that her Parents were from Bathinda, Punjab, in the North of India and had settled down in Chennai on the Southern tip of the country. Her father had moved to Chennai on business and settled down. Roni was

had been?

born in Chennai. She could speak perfect Tamil, Punjabi, Hindi and English.


At just about five feet seven inches she was his perfect picture of a woman; strong, beautiful, demure and resolute.

Hardly "demure" if she'd been ingulging in a shouting match in the university grounds.

Kashyap realized very early into their relationship that Rohini was by nature a happy person. Unhappiness in all its connotations and variations was alien to her. Like all Punjabis she was upfront, forthright and short tempered. Kashyap loved being around her. Roni, on the other hand, found the Professor to be humourous, easy natured, patient and distracted. The last quality she liked the most because she thought he looked sexy when his thoughts were far away and his eyes took on a dreamy quality. She was also a little wary of him, she’d seen him angry and there was something…demonic in his rage, like

as if; and it's actually "as if he were", but nobody's pedantic enough to call you on the subjunctive, and I only hit the "like" because you are writing fairly formally.

he was an uncontrollable force of nature. She liked it though,

Semicolon (or "it made her feel"

she felt safe.


Three months after they’d first met, Kashyap made love to Rohini. When he entered her, it was as though a brilliant sun had descended into him, ensconcing him in its heat. The relish of the love

hyphen, or "lovemaking"

making lingered in his mind for long time. It was as though a part of her was sizzled into him through their passion. Her taste and fragrance filled him. In the two years he’d known her, Kashyap

had

never once felt his passion fading or his desire waning. He was slated to meet her parents that afternoon to ask for her hand in marriage. His heart missed a beat.


Kashyap had a cold water bath that morning. He pulled on Khaki linen pants and a white cotton shirt. He looped a dull cream tie and jumped into a pair of burgundy leather shoes. He rushed to the university for his only session for the day. By noon he was exhausted. He quickly finished a light lunch consisting of a couple of Idlis and coconut chutney with sambar- lentil gravy at the university cafeteria and withdrew to his room. He deduced that he had a couple of hours before meeting Rohini. By sheer impulse he picked a copy of the epic, Mahabharat. By default, Kashyap read only those portions of the epic that had details of Aswathaman, which was very little, when compared to the other centrifugal

Are you sure "flying from the centre" rather than just "central"?

characters of the epic.


There was something about the legend and myth of the Warrior Mage Aswathaman that belied logic. The incomplete nature of the Mage’s story mystified the professor. The Kurukshetra war, the war of wars, was supposed to have been six thousand five hundred years ago. It was

had been?

a result of deceit and was based on lies and fraudulence. Kashyap couldn’t help thinking that Aswathaman was made a fall guy.


By whom, and for what?


Kashyap came out of his reverie gradually. The room came back into focus. He checked for time with the wall-clock and sat bolt upright. The clock showed two fifty five in the afternoon. He was five minutes away from his appointment with Roni’s parents. Kashyap wondered where the two hours had gone. He bounded out of his chair and dashed out of the room.

repetition of "out of"

Kashyap reached his car in just under one minute. He cranked the engine of the Chevy Aveo and roared out of the university building. Fortunately he was only about eight kilometers from NRC Nagar where Roni lived with her parents. The car zipped across the Marina Driveway, past Santhome’s famous St. Thomas Cathedral. He reached Foreshore Estate in just under four minutes.


Kashyap jumped the Foreshore Estate signal, unmindful of the angry traffic policeman blaring mouthfuls of expletives. He swerved into 6th Cross Street in MRC Nagar at top speed, missing an absolutely petrified cyclist by a millimetre. The Professor slammed on the brakes hard alongside Roni’s house and jumped out of the car. He was already running up the stairway to her first floor apartment by the time he remembered to activate the remote lock. The car locked itself with an authoritative beep.


Kashyap reached her house in exactly five minutes which made him late by one minute. Twenty seconds later he was at her door. He rang the door bell. There was no answer. He waited impatiently in the scalding Chennai heat. Fortunately MRC Nagar was just a kilometre from the sea and the afternoon breeze had set in. Kashyap sighed lightly, shuffling, shifting his weight from one leg to the other. He did not really know what he was going to say. He hadn’t proposed to anyone before, much less talk

talked

about marriage, though he’d had his fill of flings. It was then that he felt it. A strange tingle at the tip of his spine told Kashyap he was being watched. On sheer impulse he whirled around and found The Rap Sage staring at him grimly from the bottom of the stairs. Kashyap started mightily. His heart almost fell out of his mouth. He squeezed his eyes shut and he opened them. The little man was gone.


Even as Kashyap was wondering if it had been only his imagination or one of his visions, a great big hand came crashing against his shoulder, dragging him away from the stairs. The Professor yelled in his fright. Kashyap tried to wriggle out of the vice like grip and craned his neck to see his assailant. Kashyap saw Roni’s father from the edges of his vision. Retired Colonel Ranbir Singh Chawla of the Indian Army was a large and cheruby

cherubic?

Sardar, about six feet three inches in height. He came through as being as wide as he was tall. With a large belly tenderly flourishing under his wife’s caring influence, rich food and free flow of liquor, he appeared as a colossus. The Colonel finally yanked a struggling Kashyap into the house.


“Oye, come come beta, why are you running away?” the good Colonel demanded in English, laced generously with typical Punjabi accent.



Kashyap smiled weakly as he let himself get dragged in. The big Punjabi closed the door behind Kashyap and in the same motion slapped Kashyap’s back resoundingly in a sudden burst of affection. Kashyap floundered forward, struggling hard not to loose

lose

his balance. The colonel roared with laughter. His wife, a stern lady of indeterminate age, gave the burly turbaned man an eyeful.


The Rap Sage was leaning against Kashyap’s Chevy Aveo. He was grim faced. He could sense the vile stench of evil that was seeking to besiege the professor. He was standing guard against it. Funnily, no one noticed him. It was as though sun light

sunlight

did not reflect on

from? Off?

him but was passing through the sage.


Kashyap and Roni walked out of the apartment four hours, eight beers and several tens of chicken and mutton kebabs later. Kashyap patted his bulging stomach affectionately and had politely told her father not to trouble himself and that Rohini could send him off splendidly. They walked hand in hand to the car park.


“Daddyji was happy you came and mummyji of course is very happy that the engagement is on the fourth of December. Do you know that there are only a couple of months left?” Roni asked excitedly.


“Yeah, hey listen do we need to come to your house often once we are married?”


“Why?” Roni’s nostrils flared.


“It maybe nothing really but I fear for my life. I swear it, if your father had hit me just one more time today I would’ve done him in with the butter knife.”


Roni’s mouth opened and closed, she turned beetroot red and Kashyap couldn’t stop laughing.


“Ok, ok, I am sorry awright? What do you want for the engagement?” he asked amidst peals of laughter.


“Oh, so Mr. Kashyap thinks that he can insult my parents and still hope to marry me, does he?” she demanded haughtily.


“Yeah, why?”


Roni’s Punjabi blood reached boiling point and she kicked him in the shins, hard. He yelped in pain and hopped around holding his leg.


“But…why’d you kick me…none of your cousins are here” he wailed.


“Shut up you *******, just for this you have to get me a diamond necklace and a diamond ring”


“Not unless you promise to handcuff your father” said Kashyap weakly, rubbing his bruised shin. She kicked him on his other shin and his eyes watered in pain. He sank to the ground.


“Ooooh”


“And a pair of diamond earrings” she said.


“Would a diamond studded collar and a leash of gold do instead?”


“Aree aree, why do you kick him you stupid girl?” called out the large Sardar from behind the curtained window overlooking the street from where he had been furtively watching his daughter and future son in law.


“Its ok sir, it’s better than the pounding I got from you” Kashyap muttered under his breath waving affably.


“Cash, please!” Roni said

comma, and consider "stamping". "Stomping" she's already done to him.

stomping her foot

comma

and he took her in his arms. Her father withdrew from the window quietly, abashed.


“I am crazy about you, you do know that

question mark, I think. If it is an affirmation, comma

” he whispered and hugged her tight.


“Shut up! Does it hurt?”


“Not as much as your father’s love”, he said laughing. She chuckled reluctantly.


“You’re so mean

comma

” she declared. They kissed briefly and he slid behind the wheel of the Aveo.


He reversed out of her drive. Roni was standing at the end of the drive, ready to wave to him. Kashyap adjusted his rearview mirror to get a view of her and found The Rap Sage sitting in the back seat, staring him straight in the eye. Kashyap nearly stood up on the brakes, bringing the car to an abrupt halt. He whirled around. There was no one. He saw

looked? Glanced?

into the rear view mirror again. There was no sign of Roni. Could something have happened to Roni in that split second when his concentration was broken?


A chill ran down Kashyap’s spine as the thought crossed his mind. He knew it was a foolish notion but the thought of losing her was… devastating. He reversed hurriedly; honking on the horn several times, until Roni came running out. He waved to her. Laughing, she waved back. Reassured he drove away, consciously avoiding thoughts of the Rap Sage.

 

[Interference]

Personally, first thing to get out of the way fast, I'm not a fan of big-print posts. If I have difficulty reading anything, I've a zoom on my browser, and all those FONT SIZE changes make it hell to go through and edit.

Gripe over.

Nice story

I would have started in the second para and left the first to some other more suitable place, either later in the chapter or in a prologue of its own. If there's anything important in that first para, I've missed it cos I skipped it.

The second is where I get drawn in and it does that quite successfully in five words. A hint of something to come as well as of a history. I thought it a nice opening.

As it develops, you start spreading the adverbs around a bit, not all of which are necessary and in some cases you place them in the sentence where they actually weaken the action rather than enhancing it. In general, a lesson I am still learning myself, I would recommend only using the adverbs or adjectives that make a positive difference.

In general, I'm a supporter of the Jump Into The Action And The Devil Take The Hindmost school of writing, though I know others hate it, so let's just pretend they don't exist for a moment

The action seems well described on first reading, with only a few niggles about how you occasionally deflate your own carefully constructed tension. For example, "It was his turn now to gasp in pain" seems a little off-hand for the extent of the damage you're describing and coming at this point in the conflict, it's like adding an inapropriate laugh track to a TV show.

"her face, a mask of conflicting emotions" is actually beyond our scope to know. "Her face a mask" tells us that it is impossible to read her emotions without actually being her. Which we aren't.

"to rub his knees painfully" sorry, a LOL moment, I'm afraid. If rubbing his knees is painful, he should stop doing it

As a general overview, this is a very literate and well-crafted piece of writing, with a few flaws such as those which in my opinion you may not have noticed. The dialogue is lively and quite realistic to me and the humour - in dialogue - comes across quite naturally. It is important, I think, that you decide whether the humour is going to be in the narrative as well - in which case I suggest you make a feature of it - or not - in which case excise it all so as to avoid distracting the reader.

Pacing is another issue, but it didn't seem wrong to me as such, though the opening fight scene was either too long or too short, I haven't quite decided yet ... sorry

As I say, I like this piece very much and don't really mind not having read the previous twelve chapters. If you start the tale from here, I'd probably be quite happy.

All comments are offered with respect for the effort this has required of you and the talent you so clearly already have.

 

[BSCVadhan]

Hey,
That was an awesome review. Yeah, he should stop rubbbing his knee if it is painful. LOL. sometimes I just write things and dont realise what the hell I am saying.

I do have a problem with adverbs and adjectives and as Chris points out most times, I think I need to check myself. I am still experimenting I guess after two years.

Sai

 

[Interference]

You're welcome, of course, Sai. And two years? A drop in the ocean, bud

 

[BSCVadhan]

Chris,
Points taken. I thought this chapter had long complicated sentences and I sort of cut them short. Looks like I cut them very short. Nevertheless, I will try and get in the lyrical flow.
Sai