Work in progress A King's Court vol 3

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Damiynn

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I am a fantasy author, who has traveled the world.
“There are explosions sire,” he stated in a voice that Alyssa could tell from its slight tremor that it was barely being held in control. “And no one knows what is going on. I’m under orders not to leave my post for any reason by Melrik, he is my commander.”

“And I command him Lance Liolbane,” the Royal Regent said in an icy tone that seemed to freeze the air in the hall by several degrees. “I command all of you! Now will I have to have you stripped of your new title?” He let his eyes roam up and down Lance’s new armor with a look filled with disdain. “And if I do, you will never have a chance to ever redeem your family’s honor again. If you do not go and get Gunther right away I will make certain you never do!”

Alyssa saw the determined set of the young knight’s face crumble as the Royal Regent hurled the hate-filled words at him. She felt her own anger rise up. She saw that the Regent had also noticed Lance’s face. “Go Now!” He shouted with a sneer curling his lips. “I’ll lock the doors to my chambers. The door is protected. It should last until you return. Unless these raiders can fly, I think I’ll be okay. I am wearing the King’s armor.” The Royal Regent watched as the reluctant young knight finally bowed his head and took off down the hall at a run heading toward the sounds of the explosions.

Vargas didn’t immediately do like he said. He didn’t go inside the room or shut the massive doors. Instead he stood there in the hallway waiting until the departing knight was completely gone.

Alyssa realized that Vargas and Lance had thought themselves alone in this area of the palace and that was why the young knight had been so reluctant to leave. Seeing that the only person left in the corridor was the royal regent, she dispelled her silence spell and stepped out of the shadows.

She had determined a while ago that she should be the one who exacted revenge on the Royal Regent and not her brother for the death of their parents since she was a cleric of Dar and considered a hand of justice. The right to do it belonged to her.

Alyssa realized looking at Vargas’ sneering countenance still staring after the departed knight that she was on the verge of a tearful rage. Pausing she took several deep breaths. Then she stepped forward to confront the man who had killed her and her brother’s parents, taking for his own, their heritage and creating so much chaos throughout the kingdoms.

“Your insurrection is at hand your highness,” she intoned coolly, leveling a sky blue eyed gaze at the Royal Regent.

Vargas spun around at the unexpected words and stared at her in stunned shock, his hand slapping at an empty sheathe hanging at his side. Realizing he had no sword Vargas tried a different tact.

“And who are you,” he asked condescendingly, eyeing her up and down appraisingly, studying the curves of her body. The edges of his mouth curling up into a slight leer.

Alyssa allowed her tunic to open slightly and her symbol of Dar swung out. The mythryll swords and hammer gleamed brightly in the light of the lamp oil lights.

“I am the hand of justice, the enforcer of the laws of the land,” she said, her voice tight with emotion. “And you milord,” she snarled through clenched teeth as she unslung her silver hammer, “are a murderer. A killer of your own family and a traitor to your vows as the ruler of the fourteen kingdoms and one who should be made to finally answer for his crimes.”

“By what right or authority,” Vargas demanded recognizing now who this strawberry blonde female was, “do you murderess have to accuse me of any crime! You killed one of my own royal ambassadors.”

Now it was Alyssa’s turn to smirk and she almost did but instead she kept her face emotionless. Slowly reaching down with a hand she took from her pouch the twin to the golden ring that Damien wore upon his finger. Without uttering a word she held it up high so that her uncle could see it.

She could tell by the widening of his dark brown eyes that he recognized the dragon design and knew what it represented. Turning the ring over in her palm momentarily she met her uncle’s gaze then slowly she slipped it onto her own slim finger.

The golden head of the small dragon came to life. It swiveled upwards, looking at her, its golden eyed gaze locking on hers, then it relaxed, and circled tight against her finger appearing to go back to sleep without biting her.

Vargas felt the color drain out of his face. The sight of her wearing one of the dragon rings caused him to stutter, “H..how..how is that possible, who in the gods hells are you?”

Alyssa looked at him, her normally warm and beautiful face cold and hard as marble. In a tight voice she answered, “I, Uncle, am the daughter of Dorian and Ellanor Salidor and twin sister to Damien Daverge and I am a true born heir to the throne and crown of Kallamar!”

“The second child,” sputtered the Royal Regent stunned.
Sensing that this woman was dangerous and angry and that she might attack him at any moment, he turned and fled into his chambers slamming the large door behind him.

Alyssa stared at the closed door to the royal quarters, saw how thick it was and summoned the power of her god. Using a shattering spell she blew the door completely off of its hinges, blasting it into wooden splinters that sprayed about the room inside. With a look of righteous fury filling her eyes she stepped through, moving into the room and would have kicked what was left of the door out of her way but there was nothing left of it in her path to vengeance
 
[/quote]
“There are explosions sire,” he stated in a voice that Alyssa could tell from its slight tremor that it
probably " he stated in a voice that Alyssa could tell, from its slight tremor, "
was barely being held in control. “And no one knows what is going on. I’m under orders not to leave my post for any reason by Melrik,
"who is" or semicolon" he is"
he is my commander.”

“And I command him
comma
Lance Liolbane,” the Royal Regent said in an icy tone that seemed to freeze the air in the hall by several degrees. “I command all of you! Now
comma
will I have to have you stripped of your new title?” He let his eyes roam up and down Lance’s new armor with a look filled with disdain. “And if I do, you will never have a chance to ever redeem your family’s honor again. If you do not go and get Gunther right away I will make certain you never do!”

Alyssa saw the determined set of the young knight’s face crumble as the Royal Regent hurled the hate-filled words at him. She felt her own anger rise up. She saw that the Regent had also noticed Lance’s face. “Go Now!” He shouted with a sneer curling his lips. “I’ll lock the doors to my chambers. The door is protected. It should last until you return. Unless these raiders can fly, I think I’ll be okay. I am wearing the King’s armor.” The Royal Regent watched as the reluctant young knight finally bowed his head and took off down the hall at a run
comma
heading toward the sounds of the explosions.

Vargas didn’t immediately do like
"as" rather than "like"?
he said. He didn’t go inside the room or shut the massive doors. Instead he stood there in the hallway
comma
waiting until the departing knight was completely gone.

Alyssa realized that Vargas and Lance had thought themselves alone in this area of the palace and that was why the young knight had been so reluctant to leave. Seeing that the only person left in the corridor was the royal regent, she dispelled her silence spell and stepped out of the shadows.

She had determined a while ago that she should be the one who exacted revenge on the Royal Regent and not her brother
commas around "and not her brother"and move it either before "should" or after "parents"
for the death of their parents
comma
since she was a cleric of Dar and considered a hand of justice. The right to do it belonged to her.

Alyssa realized
comma
looking at Vargas’ sneering countenance still staring after the departed knight
comma
that she was on the verge of a tearful rage. Pausing
comma
she took several deep breaths. Then she stepped forward to confront the man who had killed her and her brother’s parents, taking for his own,
no comma
their heritage and creating so much chaos throughout the kingdoms.

“Your insurrection is at hand
comma, and "Highness would generally take a capital "H", even if ironic
your highness,” she intoned coolly, leveling a sky blue eyed gaze at the Royal Regent.

Vargas spun around at the unexpected words and stared at her in stunned shock, his hand slapping at an empty sheathe
sheath
hanging at his side. Realizing he had no sword Vargas tried a different tact.
tack?
“And who are you,” he asked condescendingly, eyeing her up and down appraisingly, studying the curves of her body. The edges of his mouth curling
curled (or a comma rather than the period, but there is already quite a string of commas
up into a slight leer.

Alyssa allowed her tunic to open slightly and her symbol of Dar swung out. The mythryll swords and hammer gleamed brightly in the light of the lamp oil lights.
"light of the lamp oil lights" is clumsy. Perhaps simply "oil lamps"?
“I am the hand of justice, the enforcer of the laws of the land,” she said, her voice tight with emotion. “And you
comma
milord,” she snarled through clenched teeth as she unslung her silver hammer, “are a murderer. A killer of your own family and a traitor to your vows as the ruler of the fourteen kingdoms and one who should be made to finally answer for his crimes.”

“By what right or authority,” Vargas demanded
comma
recognizing now who this strawberry blonde female was, “do you
comma
murderess
comma; and if you put the "By" at the beginning you don't need the "have to"
have to accuse me of any crime! You killed one of my own royal ambassadors.”

Now it was Alyssa’s turn to smirk
comma
and she almost did
comma
but instead she
perhaps without the "she"?
kept her face emotionless. Slowly reaching down with a hand she took from her pouch the twin to the golden ring that Damien wore upon his finger. Without uttering a word she held it up high so that her uncle could see it.

She could tell by the widening of his dark brown eyes that he recognized the dragon design and knew what it represented. Turning the ring over in her palm momentarily she met her uncle’s gaze then slowly she slipped it onto her own slim finger.

The golden head of the small dragon came to life. It swiveled upwards, looking at her, its golden eyed gaze locking on hers, then it relaxed, and circled tight against her finger appearing to go back to sleep without biting her.

Vargas felt the color drain out of his face. The sight of her wearing one of the dragon rings caused him to stutter, “H..how..how is that possible,
question mark
who in the gods hells are you?”

Alyssa looked at him, her normally warm and beautiful face cold and hard as marble. In a tight voice she answered, “I, Uncle, am the daughter of Dorian and Ellanor Salidor and twin sister to Damien Daverge and I am a true born heir to the throne and crown of Kallamar!”

“The second child,” sputtered the Royal Regent
comma
stunned.
Sensing that this woman was dangerous and angry and that she might attack him at any moment, he turned and fled into his chambers
comma
slamming the large door behind him.

Alyssa stared at the closed door to the royal quarters, saw how thick it was and summoned the power of her god. Using a shattering spell she blew the door completely off of its hinges, blasting it into wooden splinters that sprayed about the room inside. With a look of righteous fury filling her eyes she stepped through, moving into the room
comma
and would have kicked what was left of the door out of her way
comma
but there was nothing left of it in her path to vengeance
 
The emotions of the characters change direction like a speedball. Alyssa is on the verge of a tearful rage one moment, but intones cooly the next, and then has a voice filled with emotion the one after that. Most odd. Vargas is so scared he reaches for a sword he doesn't have, and then finds time to check out the mysterious assassin before him. Hell, even without the random change that would be weird. If your palace was exploding somewhere, and a dodgy stranger appeared out of thin air threatening to kill you would you bother checking them out? I'd be more thinking about running or hitting them or something.

You use the word 'okay' in the second paragraph. This is a medieval type setting, isn't it? The word okay doesn't belong in it, rather like the words computer or nuclear bomb don't. They're too modern. Personal gripe.

Throughout, you seem to have a problem of telling over showing; you say 'this happened' rather than describing the process.

Alyssa realized that Vargas and Lance had thought themselves alone in this area of the palace and that was why the young knight had been so reluctant to leave."


They're the only two people here, isn't it obvious they're alone?

are a murderer. A killer of your own family and a traitor to your vows as the ruler of the fourteen kingdoms and one who should be made to finally answer for his crimes.


Could you imagine anyone actually saying this?

"You're a murderer. A traitor. A monster who kills his family. Now you're going to answer."

Much more natural? Yes, it gives the reader less information, but characters don't pick their words to help the reader understand what is going on; they can only say things they would want to say in the situation. This is a problem throughout; very lectur-ey speech, as if you're trying to tell me what's happening without info dumping. Putting speech marks around an info dump doesn't get rid of it.

Sensing that this woman was dangerous and angry and that she might attack him at any moment, he turned and fled into his chambers slamming the large door behind him.


Firstly, I doubt he can only 'sense' the danger here. She's specifically said she's going to 'answer for his crimes' after calling him a murderer. Apparently, she killed an ambassador of his as well. I think most people, under those circumstances, would get more than a feeling they were in danger. Secondly, if she's an assassin (as I get the impression she is), then why does she let her unarmed, seemingly helpless target run away? Surely in the time it takes him to turn around and run she can stab him in the back, or blow him a new anus with her super magic? In a similar way, if she's determined to kill him, why did she reveal her presence at all? Why speak to him? Why not just kill him and get it over with?

Using a shattering spell she blew the door completely off of its hinges, blasting it into wooden splinters that sprayed about the room inside.


The worst example of telling over showing in the piece.

"She released a wave power with a flick of her fingers. The hinges screamed as the heavy door thrust back against them. The a thunderous crack, the wood came apart, hinges tearing out of the wall. A shower of splinters clattered against the floor inside."

Try to add some drama to such a drmatic moment!

Finally, the final line is rubbish. Complete pants. She would have kicked a door if it was there? It's not! She already blew it completely off, as you state clearly. We know it's not there. Why not just say 'She stepped over the wreckage, fury in her eyes' or something? Thinking of the fury in the eyes, this is written from Alyssa's perspective, so how does she see a look of fury in her own eyes? Surely she'd be feeling the fury?

Overall, 'old school' fantasy. A tried and tested formula, but one that's not quite so popular these days. I won't lie; this needs quite a bit of work in my opinion. I hope I've helped, and sorry if I'm being too blunt; I'm tired.

 
Best weapons to use in the Critiques is a BLUNT one! :D

(and the ability from the critiqued to take it standing up and then try again :rolleyes: )

This plays out as a deneument, an ending before the commercial break, but there's too much infodump. Agree with most of what Sapheron said, but no rewriting is ever wasted. I have a story I put up for crit, and since have turned the story round everywhichway, like the facets of a rubix cube, looking for the best way to tell it.

Also, pace. This is hard to explain, but longer sentances make an action seem to take longer, while a short sentance seems quicker e.g

'Theodric pulled back the curtains and turned to face his visitor, his hands folded across his chest'

vs.

'He folded his arms. He opened the curtains. He turned to face his visitor.'
 
A villain assumes people want to kill him and would never walk about without a weapon. If he has no sword (he should) then he would have a dagger hidden in his boot.
 
Why do people make a speech before doing the necessary ??

Why not utter a simple 'Gotcha !!!' as the hooked blade is twisted for third time to be sure, to be sure ??

Ah, 'Honour': These are a 'Warrior' people, and efficient assassination is beneath their dignity...

Okay, stick with the florid denunciations.
---

Per Waziwig's comment on pacing...

IMHO, fights are very difficult to 'pace' because time telescopes. IMHO, you must treat them like 'tight' poetry, where every syllable and comma weighs heavily, may stall the narrative...

I usually re-write even the simplest action scene a dozen times before I can begin to set the pace correctly...

Try reading draft aloud.
 
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