More, A King's Court

[Damiynn]

Please remember if you don't know what is going on, this is over 800 pages into my series so everything has been pretty much established or revealed, I am mostly looking for the emotion levels here, making sure that what I am trying to state has been well written, and any grammar mistakes chris finds.

Gunther heard the explosions below. He could feel the vibrations shaking the stone in the main part of the palace and knew, his cousin and his group of righteous minded had finally arrived to reclaim the Throne and Crown.

Facing the mirror in his chambers, he traced the jagged scar on his face. Smiling sadly, he dropped his hands down to the table, grabbing up the metal gauntlets laying there. Slowly he pulled them and flexed his fingers. The time had come. Picking up his proctor’s sword, he cinched it tight to his waist. Leaving the image of the man he had become in the mirror behind him, he stepped out of the room and made his way to the place where he would find Travis.


***
Twenty years had passed since he had stood in the royal hall and yet it appeared almost exactly the same. Tall, decorated pillars stood in rows on each side of the room marking the way to where Damien would sit if they succeeded.

Travis stared past them as he scanned the elaborate hall. Seeing no one else, his eyes locked on the Sunstone throne. Once, his king and queen had sat there before they had died under his protection. The dais at the far end of the room was a huge slab of crystal marble, flickering as if the lights of the hall were inside it. On top of the crystal sat two huge thrones. Ornately designed and decorated in red and black, only the King or Queen were supposed to sit there.

Travis studied the empty thrones and felt his heart beating dully in his chest. Tears filled the corners of his eyes. Slowly he pulled his eyes away from the thrones and moved them down to the room’s other occupant. A solitary figure stood at the foot of the dais staring back at him through solemn grey eyes.

Gunther, wearing a proctor’s full plate drew out his sword. Clasping its hilt, he pointed the tip downward, moving into a classic challenger’s stance.

Travis saw his cousin’s stark white hair pulled back into a warrior’s ponytail, he looked ready for battle.

“There is no King here today Bertravis to stop our duel,” the proctor of Kallamar said, his voice echoing about the empty chamber.

“That’s because you forsook your vows and your honor cousin and betrayed him,” returned Travis coolly and levelly. Travis stepped towards his cousin, observing the other man.

Gunther also studied Travis. Gone, he realized, watching his cousin cross the room was the semi broken man he had beaten half to death in the Elvynn swamps of Edgemoor. Replaced now by the nobler one he remembered from their youth. Gunther actually smiled at the memory.

Travis not quite recognizing the expression on his cousin’s face asked, “What?”

“Nothing cousin,” remarked Gunther and the small smile faded. “I’m just glad that you have returned whole and we can now truly finish this.”

Travis realizing what Gunther meant, knew he was right. For the first time in twenty years he did feel whole. “It’s a shame we have come to this Gunther.” Travis knew that a lot of feeling was here between them and momentarily it almost felt like they were best friends again, not separated by hate and pride.

Sighing heavily, Gunther gave a small shake of his head. “We both chose different roads Travis and still both roads led us here. Let’s finish this with honor.

Travis drew a deep breath and nodded. The blademaster knew in his heart this was only going to end in one of their deaths and knew that there would be no way to stop it.

Eyes locking with Gunther’s he said sadly, “Tonight this ends, for better or worse its over. One of us though must continue on with our required duty?” Travis saw his cousin’s eyebrows rise almost to his hairline and thought for a moment he was going to disagree.

“Agreed!” called out Gunther surprising him. Moving like two leaping leopards, the pair met in the center of the throne room in a clash of spark and steel

 

[chrispenycate]

He could feel the vibrations shaking the stone in the main part of the palace and knew, his cousin and his group of righteous minded had finally arrived to reclaim the Throne and Crown.

Either that sentence runs on, and doesn't need the comma, or it is essentially two sentences, and needs a semicolon. And I suggest a hyphen in "righteous-minded"

Slowly he pulled them and flexed his fingers.

pulled them on?

Seeing no one else, his eyes locked on the Sunstone throne. Once, his king and queen had sat there before they had died under his protection. The dais at the far end of the room was a huge slab of crystal marble, flickering as if the lights of the hall were inside it. On top of the crystal sat two huge thrones

The split between him locking his eyes on, and the description of the throne(s) doesn't work too well; I had the impression at first there were two sets of royal sitapons. And do you need the comma after "once"? I would see it more after "there"

he pulled his eyes away from the thrones and moved them down to the room’s other occupant.

How does this go with the "Seeing no one else" of the previous paragraph?

Gunther, wearing a proctor’s full plate drew out his sword.

comma after "plate"

Travis saw his cousin’s stark white hair pulled back into a warrior’s ponytail, he looked ready for battle.

two sentences

“There is no King here today Bertravis to stop our duel,”

commas round "Bertravis".

“That’s because you forsook your vows and your honor cousin and betrayed him,”

commas round "cousin".

Gone, he realized, watching his cousin cross the room was the semi broken man he had beaten half to death

comma after "room"

Travis not quite recognizing the expression on his cousin’s face asked, “What?”

commas round "not quite recognizing the expression on his cousin’s face".

Nothing cousin,

comma after "Nothing"

Travis realizing what Gunther meant, knew he was right.

comma after "Travis".

“It’s a shame we have come to this Gunther.

comma after "this"

Travis knew that a lot of feeling was here between them and momentarily it almost felt like they were best friends again

commas round "momentarily".

We both chose different roads Travis and still both roads led us here.

Commas round "Travis".

Tonight this ends, for better or worse its over.

Full stop rather than comma, and "it's".

“Agreed!” called out Gunther surprising him

Comma after "Gunther".

 

[daalex]

Hi,

I would just like to comment briefly on the point of view you use; because I felt it was not entirely consistent. But first of all, I did find this snippet quite intriguing in terms of emotional set-up. Otherwise I would not have replied, I suppose!

On to my comments on POV:
The first section, where Gunther preps for battle, is written from a fairly tight third person perspective - an external narrator follows Gunther closely, giving us insight into his feelings and thoughts, as evidenced by phrases such as

He could feel the vibrations shaking the stone in the main part of the palace and knew, his cousin and his group of righteous minded had finally

or also

Smiling sadly, he dropped his hands down to the table, grabbing up the metal gauntlets laying there. Slowly he pulled them and flexed his fingers. The time had come.

-- you described what he knows, what emotions he feels, and generally are writing from Gunther's perspective.

So far so good. In the second section we first switch to a similar third person external, but tight narration:

Travis studied the empty thrones and felt his heart beating dully in his chest.

However, further on, you slip out of that and alternate between "tight on Gunther", "tight on Travis" and a more neutral narration:

Gunther also studied Travis. Gone, he realized, watching his cousin cross the room was the semi broken man he had beaten half to death in the Elvynn swamps of Edgemoor.

versus

Travis realizing what Gunther meant, knew he was right.

This confused me a little - it sort of interferes with the flow of the story. Switching perspectives is fine in between scenes, but in the middle of a scene, you should probably stick to one perspective.

I hope that makes sense, and my apologies if you knew all this already. I'm just a rookie passing on what little I've picked up so far from those more in the know...
**ends lecturing mode**

 

[Damiynn]

Thanks gentlemen, I made the appropriate corrections and tightened it up a little. How in the heck did I miss all those comma's. Someday I will again get it right.

 

[Peter Graham]

Hi Damiynn,

The pace is fine, but (as with previous extracts) I'm afraid that the sentence structure and the narrative voice needs to be a lot tighter. You head-hop pretty much constantly, you drift in and out of the passive voice and you have a tendency to dump information in a way which runs the risk of confusing the reader - for example, in three short, consecutive sentences you refer to "Gunther" a "cousin" and the "proctor of Kallamar". These descriptions all refer to the same person but it doesn't always read that way at first glance. You then say:-

Travis stepped towards his cousin, observing the other man.

This all makes it sound like there are at least three of them in the room, although once again I suspect that "his cousin" and "the other man" are both references to Gunther. But at the start of the extract, Travis thinks that he is there alone

Travis stared past them as he scanned the elaborate hall. Seeing no one

Seeing no-one? But you then say that Gunther is actually already there in full view in front of the dais.

I also think that you try to get too much information into each sentence, possibly with the intention of building a more descriptive scene. Try to keep your sentences clearer and more to the point, especially during the "real time" action sequences.

You also need to tighten up on sentence structure and imagery. There is too much of this sort of thing:-

Ornately designed and decorated in red and black, only the King or Queen were supposed to sit there.

This might well read that the King and Queen can only sit there if they are ornately decorated in red and black.

Your word choice can also let you down:-

Smiling sadly, he dropped his hands down to the table, grabbing up the metal gauntlets laying there. Slowly he pulled them and flexed his fingers

Dropped - a languid, almost unconscious movement in this context.

Grabbed - a sudden and deliberate movement in this context

Slowly - a languid, but deliberate, movement in this context.

So what is he? Languid? Excited? Distracted? It just isn't clear.

You specifically asked about emotion. In many ways, the characterisation is a little flat - it's all a bit predictable as both men Do Their Duty whilst regretting the fact that things might have been different. This sort of approach is played out in nearly every Hollywood action film and it isn't enormously believable. They are about to enter into mortal combat. Wouldn't they be psyched? Angry? Nervous even?

You also rely too much on telling us how they feel, rather than showing us - for example, you say "sadly" far too often. The reader should be able to feel the sadness from the way you set the scene.

My guess is that the rather flat charaterisation is a direct consequence of the head-hopping. I think that you need to select your narrative voice and concentrate on telling us the story from the perspective of a small number of central characters. That would have the effect of focussing the reader on the people we are supposed to care about. The more we get into their heads, the more we believe in them and the more we want them to succeed.

Regards,

Peter