New beginning to Rise of the Titans

[Noah Phoenix]

After considering comments, I've tried it this way...
Let me know what you think, it's a first draft, so not too bothered about typo's and grammar, although I guess Chris will anyway! (thank you for the time in advance if you do, Chris!)

Inside a modest farmhouse, in the green and yellow patchwork of the Endershall countryside, Noah Phoenix lay sleeping. The small window, open and swaying a little in the soft night breeze sent the reflected light of the full moon flashing across the walls; the light curtains billowing gently every now and then as the breeze picked up. A couple of owls way off in the distance called out to each other, searching for comfort in the mild summer night.

The second after the breeze died, Noah opened his eyes. It didn’t pick up again and the owls stopped. He lay motionless, stuffing the fear deep inside him. His heart began to race; he could feel his heartbeat in his ears and felt the short, dark hair lying over his forehead gently brush his head with each beat. Dur-dum, dur-dum, dur-dum it went, getting louder and more real with every beat.

He could hear them, scuttling about in the yard. Four, maybe five, he guessed. His father’s voice floated into his head as he lay; Always listen for the noises that aren’t there, son; always be ready. There was little comfort in those words now. He shook the thought from his head, as his eyes darted to his sheathed sword by his bedside table; it bought him a moment’s comfort before he heard the terrible crash of broken glass from downstairs; they were inside.

Sat bolt upright in his bed, he could hear them in the yard as well as in the kitchen as he sat in fearful silence. One or two were circling the house, one was in the kitchen another was by the back door. So was that four; or just four that he could hear? What he could hear was their claws scratching the ground in the quiet of the night. There was a grunt, and a low growl, then more scratching. Wolfbanes, he thought, sounds big enough.

Then there was the crash of falling crockery from the kitchen, and Noah leaped from his bed. His hand found the hilt of his sword by the bedroom door as he flung himself out of the room. He passed Ethan, stood at his own bedroom door rubbing his eyes. As Noah stopped at the top of the stairs, he turned to his brother and told him in a hushed voice to get his sword and go into his mothers’ room with Elwyn, and lock the door, ‘Don’t come out, no matter what happens,’ he added. Ethan tried to ask what was going on, but a second crash from downstairs silenced him. He had obviously got the message without Noah having to say anything more, and disappeared into his room, re-emerging with his short sword drawn.

Noah crept down the stairs step by step, remembering where every board creaked and avoided it with care. He could hear something in the kitchen; it seemed to be searching for something. There was no noise coming from the other rooms, and now that he was no longer by a window, he couldn’t hear any noises from outside. He knew that there was at least one of them at the front of the house, but there would be no easy way in that way.

He heard a noise behind him and turned to see the shape of a small girl on the top step, framed by the moonlight from the window behind. She was shaking gently and clutching something in her arms. Just as he was about to call out to her, the window imploded in a shower of glass. The small figure screamed as a huge shape came crashing through and all Noah could see was a blur of shadow, then the flash of metal, followed by the sound of the door below him being flung open and another shape cannoning into him from below. As he stared up into his attackers face from the bottom of the stairs, the Wolfbanes teeth glistened like knives in the light of the moon mere inches from his face. Its eyes were wild with bloodlust for a moment, and then went dull as Noah pushed his sword in further. Getting up from the floor and kicking the dead Wolfbane aside and slightly hating himself for being right, he looked to the top of the stairs; she was gone and so was the creature. It had looked bigger than this thing at his feet; it had looked more, human.

Noah shoved the door to the kitchen open and just caught a glimpse of a Wolfbane out of the corner of his eye as it leapt towards him. Then everything slowed - Noah began to bend sideways and bring his sword up as the Wolfbane leapt through the air in slow motion, as if moving through syrup, its teeth bared and claws extended in rage. He could see the sweat trailing behind the creature as it flew towards him. Noah was panicked a little to see everything happening so slowly, it was unnatural and as he couldn’t move any quicker, he felt trapped and willed his arm to move quicker. As Noah brought his sword up to meet it, time snapped back and the blade caught the Wolfbane in the neck, and with a sickening crunch and a yelp, it too was dead in a heap on the kitchen floor.

With no time to ponder the sudden time lapse, Noah ran to the sink and looked out into the dark of the yard, and heard the girl scream some way off towards the first field. He leaped over the sink and out through the broken window the Wolfbanes had entered the house through, and ran as hard as he could toward the sound of the screaming. His heart was pounding and the sweat gathering in his palms made it hard to hold onto the hilt of his sword as he ran, so he rubbed his hands on his nightshirt one by one, and tried to take deep breaths through the hurried gasps of air. He was running so hard that he hardly noticed the soles of his feet were bleeding from running across the harsh stones of the yard. He could hear something being dragged across the leaf strewn edge of the copse ahead of him, and he braced himself for what he might see, as he’d also noticed the screaming had stopped.

There were two Wolfbanes waiting for him just the other side of the heavy bushes at the edge of the copse, and he only had a second to scan the area before they attacked in unison. Noah wasn’t sure what had happened, but the next moment they were both lying dead at his feet, the blood on his sword so heavy it was flowing over his hand as he stood. He felt the usual rush of adrenaline subside slowly as time slipped back to normal.

She was no where to be seen. He could see no sign of the Wolfbane that had taken her. Noah was sure the two he’d just slew weren’t the ones. The one he’d seen was bigger, and looked more, well Evil.

‘Elwyn!’ he called out, as the tears began to well up. ‘Elwyn!’ he repeated, but louder this time as he began to brush the leaves around him aside with his sword. ‘Elwyn…’ he sobbed, as the tears overwhelmed him and brought him to his knees in the mud. His sword dropped in front of him, covered in blood. He put his hands to his face as the tears came, and he cried. He’d not done so for a long time, and he felt it. She was gone and he knew it. He heard hurried footsteps behind him. It was Ethan, and his mother, Tilley.

‘Where is she, Noah? Where’s Elwyn?’ said Ethan as he scanned the area.

Noah didn’t answer; he could hardly hear him over the echo of Elwyn’s screaming bouncing around the inside of his head.

‘Noah!’ shouted Tilley, ‘Where’s Elwyn? Where is she; where’s my little girl?!’ she screamed, pushing Noah over in anger.

Ethan grabbed Noah by his shirt and hauled him back into his kneeling position, ‘What happened, Noah?’ Ethan shook him again, but it made no difference, Noah was sobbing uncontrollably now. Ethan dropped him and began calling out for Elwyn, as did Tilley.

No answer came, and none ever did.

 

[Peter Graham]

It's masses better this time - good stuff.

A couple of general observations, if I may. You still need to tighten up on some of your sentence structure. By way of an example:-

Sat bolt upright in his bed, he could hear them in the yard as well as in the kitchen as he sat in fearful silence. One or two were circling the house, one was in the kitchen another was by the back door.

Lose "as he sat in fearful silence". For one thing, he doesn't act like he's that scared when the fight kicks off, but from a structural perspective, you have repeated the word "sat", which is bad practice. You need to tell us how he feels at the same time as you tell us that he is sat up in bed - it's all part of the same moment in time, as he wakes and strains to hear what is going on downstairs - "Sat bolt upright in bed in fearful silence, he could hear them...."

And the second sentence is a bit sloppy - you repeat "one" and you've forgotten an "and" - "one or two were circling the house, a third was already in the kitchen and another was out by the back door".

You also suffer from wandering image syndrome:-

Inside a modest farmhouse, in the green and yellow patchwork of the Endershall countryside, Noah Phoenix lay sleeping.

This reads as though the Endershall countryside is also inside the modest farmhouse. It's clearly the other way around. "Inside the modest farmhouse, tucked up in bed, Noah Phoenix lay sleeping" works, as each part of the sentence zooms in to the scene. You can zoom out too - "Noah Phoenix lay asleep in his modest farmhouse, which sat in the green and yellow Endershall countryside." Thomas hardy is the expert at this sort of description - many of his novels start with a zoom in.

But what you need to avoid is zooming in (farmhouse), out (countryside), and in again (Noah sleeping).

As a final point, I couldn't decide when this piece was set. The characters have swords, which suggests a medieval context, but the house, with it's curtains, upstairs (and separate) bedrooms, staircase, glass windows, separate kitchen and even a kitchen sink cannot be more than about 200 years old. It makes me think of a 19th century wooden North American house or even a 19th century stone British farmhouse. It probably doesn't matter too much, but you might want to have a very quick glimpse at how people lived in the Middle Ages - unless you were a lord, it would be low, long huts, possibly stone and slate but more likely mud and thatch, with you at one end and the cows at the other. More affluent people such as merchants might have stone houses (with the shop or business on the ground floor), but even in the castles, bedrooms were a rarity. Your vassals slept in the great hall and the servants slept wherever they could find space.

Regards

Peter

 

[Noah Phoenix]

Thank you very much for your comments, Peter. And you're right, of course. Will tighten up the things you suggested.

As for the setting, this is an alternate Cornwall. The world this is set in was settled by Celts who found a way through Oblivion from our world to Endershall in around 400bc. I'm currently researching Celts for dates and such, so it may change. As there was magic in Endershall, technology was less of a requirement for progress, so this is set in 2007 our time, but their year will be around 2409. Also, Endershall has been cut off from the rest of the alternate world for the last 600 years, so there isn't alot of progress, hence the mix and matching of setting.

 

[zachariah]

I miss the fairy.

 

[Noah Phoenix]

I miss the fairy.

Everyone that reads it says that. Maybe I should make Madison the main character! I'm still writing the 2nd draft, and there's no way I'd leave her out. I think she's my favourite too. Will post the next part with her in if I feel I need help with it, as you guys are proving invaluable!

 

[RcGrant]

Hm. Interesting. I do think it is better written than the other version, but I think it also lacks something, and that something is definitely the fairy. Bring her back.

Your descriptions sometimes seem a little too detailed to me, and at times shocks me out from the world you want me to be sucked into. Like the breathing disturbing the hair on his forehead. It just reads as silly, in my opinion, though the rest of the images around it were pretty good. The sinking-to-knees-in-mud thing made me cringe a little too, mostly because it's been done to death a million times.

The other thing was the use of the word 'Wolfsbane'. It's perfectly legitimate, of course, and you can use whatever words you want, but be aware that a large proportion of prospective readers WILL associate it with Harry Potter and wonder what on earth you're trying to pull. If nothing else, it jolted me out of the story every time I read it, expecting to see Remus Lupin wandering down the stairs.

Definite improvement though, overall.

 

[Noah Phoenix]

The other thing was the use of the word 'Wolfsbane'. It's perfectly legitimate, of course, and you can use whatever words you want, but be aware that a large proportion of prospective readers WILL associate it with Harry Potter and wonder what on earth you're trying to pull. If nothing else, it jolted me out of the story every time I read it, expecting to see Remus Lupin wandering down the stairs.

Thanks for the comments! The creatures are Wolfbanes. Whilst there was a Wolfsbane potion in Harry Potter and Professor Lupin was a werewolf, there weren't any Wolfbanes (that I remember anyway). But I do take your point. I guess the word is a little similar. Similar enough to conjour that image, anyway. But I wanted to give an imediate picture of what they were without the need for long description. Maybe I need another name......any ideas anyone?

As for the fairy (Madison), she wasn't around on the night in question, so I can't add her into this part. But she does make her own entrance to the book in a pub brawl with a few locals who don't take too kindly to 'her sort'. Needless to say the locals come off worse. Madsion has an amusing temper on her which I love writing...

 

[zachariah]

I get the feeling these things are supposed to be super-wolves, in which case, linguistically,'wolfsbane' would be the wrong name for them. A bane is the antithesis of something, so a wolf's bane would be something that killed wolves.

 

[Noah Phoenix]

I get the feeling these things are supposed to be super-wolves, in which case, linguistically,'wolfsbane' would be the wrong name for them. A bane is the antithesis of something, so a wolf's bane would be something that killed wolves.

I agree, but its not spelt wolfsbane, its Wolfbane. My thinking was that they weren't exactly wolves, but were above them in the food chain. As wolves (at the time Wolfbanes appeared in Endershall) were the top predator, they became a wolfs bane by hunting them; hence the name. But without explaining that, it's confusing I guess.

 

[RcGrant]

It's definitely confusing. I think we all got that they were wolves, but it just doesn't fit somehow. Maybe Zachariah nailed it with the breakdown of the word. I'd definitely look for another.

 

[Peter Graham]

I rather like Wolfbane as a word. If they are higher up the food chain than wolves (and therefore occasionally eat wolves), then Zachariah's spot-on analysis of the meaning of the word will still work.

I do take the point about Harry Potter, but that said, JK Rowling didn't invent Wolfbane as a word. It's a little hedgerow plant and its also the name for an old fashioned "tonic" drink.

If you want to research the literary legacy of the Celts, you could do worse than read "The Mabinogion" - a series of tales set down in writing some time between the 11th and 13th Century. In places, they reek of French Romance, but many of the tales are undoubtedly much, much earlier and significant elements almost certainly belong to an oral tradition.

If you want to learn more about the Celts as a people, then steer clear of all of the dewy-eyed claptrap that is on sale in places like Tintagel - you know the sort of thing - "the Celts were a mystical, peace-loving people who knew the innate power of leylines and lived as one in with the birds and the bees in a pre-Roman Garden of Eden." Have a look at "The Age of Arthur" by John Morris, which is a scholarly but easy to read account of the history of the British Isles from 400 to about 900 odd.

Regards,

Peter

 

[The Judge]

If you want to research the literary legacy of the Celts, you could do worse than read "The Mabinogion" - a series of tales set down in writing some time between the 11th and 13th Century. In places, they reek of French Romance, but many of the tales are undoubtedly much, much earlier and significant elements almost certainly belong to an oral tradition.

I'd heartily endorse this. It's weird in places, the mystical and the mundane seem to exist together easily, and there's almost no distinction between them. It should perhaps be obligatory for everyone who wants to write fantasy.

And to take things off thread for a moment, Peter's comment ref the hippy-ising of the Celts - I wonder why it is that we cling to this idea of a pre-lapsarian paradise which has been torn from us? And why the Celts?

J

 

[chrispenycate]

I was summoned?

The small window, open and swaying a little in the soft night breeze sent the reflected light of the full moon flashing across the walls; the light curtains billowing gently every now and then as the breeze picked up.

comma after "breeze", and if you're going to use "billowing" rather than "billowed", the semicolon is unnecessary.

He shook the thought from his head, as his eyes darted to his sheathed sword by his bedside table; it bought him a moment’s comfort before he heard the terrible crash of broken glass from downstairs; they were inside.

Try to avoid needing two semicolons in a sentence, and do you need that first comma?

One or two were circling the house, one was in the kitchen another was by the back door.

A semicolon or full stop after "house", and at least a comma after "kitchen", but I would consider an "and" there.

get his sword and go into his mothers’ room

mother's, unless he has several

or just four that he could hear? What he could hear was their claws

repetitive.

As he stared up into his attackers face from the bottom of the stairs, the Wolfbanes teeth glistened like knives in the light of the moon mere inches from his face.

"attacker's", "Wolfbane's" and non-serious repetition of "face", plus the proximity of the moon…

remembering where every board creaked and avoided it with care.

"avoiding it"

Noah was panicked a little to see everything happening so slowly, it was unnatural and as he couldn’t move any quicker, he felt trapped and willed his arm to move quicker.

Needs a rework; confused.

As Noah brought his sword up to meet it, time snapped back and the blade caught the Wolfbane in the neck, and with a sickening crunch and a yelp, it too was dead in a heap on the kitchen floor.

I'd move that second comma after the "and" (to set off the "with a sickening crunch and a yelp") and do you really need the first one?

 

[Peter Graham]

And to take things off thread for a moment, Peter's comment ref the hippy-ising of the Celts - I wonder why it is that we cling to this idea of a pre-lapsarian paradise which has been torn from us? And why the Celts?

I reckon it's down to three reasons - the "noble savage", the Victorians and fashion.

Throughout history, the underdog has been presented (usually by its vanquishers) as some sort of noble savage, living in a state of lentil-weaving loveliness in the the world around them. However, you can only present the underdog in this way after you have thoroughly trounced it, so no-one can come along and say "but you are talking cobblers".

By way of an example, Walter Scott and others like him did this to the Highland Scot. Originally feared and loathed in equal measure by his Lowland cousins (something very few Scots today will ever admit!!), once Culloden and the '45 was over it was possible to re-invent the Highlander as the wild, noble clansman of myth. The reading public lapped it up - no doubt the perceived freedom of the Highlander was a big part of the appeal in a strait-laced society - and, as the Victorians became ever more whimsical about faeries and the lost utopia (perhaps understandable in a country which contained places like Bradford and Halifax), more and more people looked to the pre-Roman era as being some sort of earthly paradise. I think it is no coincidence that so much civic architecture of the British Empire uses Roman and Classical themes. It was therefore easy (and popular) to paint our Celtic ancestors as being the inheritors of those lost truths which had become obliterated by the smogs of 19th Century Britain.

And more recently, fashion has played its part. It is fashionable to claim Irish or Scottish heritage (less so Welsh heritage, strangely enough). It is also fashionable to see oneself as having a particular affinity with the natural world and to pretend that things like money, success and so on are the trappings of some sort of benighted social idolatry. It is therefore no hard task to take the already-advanced Victorian reinventions of the Celts and to add to them that final, 21st century ingredient - a dash of crystal-fondling, religion-lite, mumbo-jumbo. What my pal, Dave Ten Pints, calls "New Age S***e and B******s."

That's my two penn'orth - and if any of this is any use to Noah in his writing or in his definitions of his 21st Century Celts, then it isn't even off-topic!

Regards,

Peter.

 

[Noah Phoenix]

If you want to learn more about the Celts as a people, then steer clear of all of the dewy-eyed claptrap that is on sale in places like Tintagel - you know the sort of thing - "the Celts were a mystical, peace-loving people who knew the innate power of leylines and lived as one in with the birds and the bees in a pre-Roman Garden of Eden." Have a look at "The Age of Arthur" by John Morris, which is a scholarly but easy to read account of the history of the British Isles from 400 to about 900 odd.

Regards,

Peter

I live a couple of miles from Tintagel, and can't really stand the place. Its a tourist trap with not a lot of real history about the place. My local library has a whole host of books, so regular trips there are in order I think. And thank you for the recommendations, they are a definite on my list!

 

[Noah Phoenix]

Again, thank you for you input guys! I'm looking into the Celts at the moment, the real Celts of course. I'd like to find the real Celts, but I'm guessing there may be way too much Victorian trash to sort through, so I may have to go with mostly romantisised images, to help with my imagary. I'm going to use them as a base for the settling peoples, but make my own version of how they evolved into the 21st century Celts around in Endershall/Ascarin 'now'. They too will have been invaded/moulded/influenced by folowing peoples, not all from Earth. No 'aliens', but otherworldy beings and such.

And as always, Chrispenycate, thank you for your expert eagle eye. Always appreciated!

 

[HareBrain]

I don't think that's the whole story, Peter. As to "why the Celts", they do seem to have retained more links to Britain's green land and nature at a time when the rest of Britain was falling under the sway of the gods of the hot, dry south. Part of their modern hippification is probably due to Robert Graves's book The White Goddess, which persuaded a generation that Celtic society and mythology were basically matriarchal in nature. To what extent this was actually true is debatable, since Graves's ideas were based almost entirely on poetic inspiration rather than research, but certainly the Celts seem to have been less rigidly patriarchal than those who came after.

As for clinging to a pre-lapsarian paradise, I think this is a basic of human psychology deriving from the childhood separation from the mother - an infant begins with no sense of differentiation from its mother, and the dawning realisation of separation causes a kind of trauma. Hence (the land or planet often being seen as a mother figure) the hippified yearning to return to nature, and hence also (because they are seen as being more closely connected to the land) the reverence of the Celts.

 

[Peter Graham]

An interesting argument, Harebrain, but I have to say I'm not convinced:-

As to "why the Celts", they do seem to have retained more links to Britain's green land and nature at a time when the rest of Britain was falling under the sway of the gods of the hot, dry south.

I don't think that it is possible to draw a distinction between the Celts and "the rest of Britain" - at the time the Romans pitched up, everyone who was already living in what became Roman Britannia was Celtic. The Romans were here for about 400 years, but even after all that time, it is amazing how quickly the old, pre-Roman tribal areas rose up again (albeit with different names). The Romans had a practice of "Romanising" the vanquished, but that didn't necessarily mean eradicating traditional or existing ways of life. The British still had their Celtic gods, but the Romans would effectively do a "cut and shunt" with one of their gods - Sulis Minerva being the obvious example.

And, in any event, the subsequent waves of post Roman invaders were as agrarian as the Celts, so any notion that the Celts were married to the land surely applies equally to the Saxons and the Vikings too.

Part of their modern hippification is probably due to Robert Graves's book The White Goddess, which persuaded a generation that Celtic society and mythology were basically matriarchal in nature.

I'd agree, but surely Graves is just part of the tidal wave of dewy eyed re-invention. As you say yourself, he never pretended to be writing a historical account. It occurs to me (in a desparate attempt to keep this thread slightly on topic) that Noah might like to have a look at Tennyson's "Idylls of The King", which is pretty much the high water mark of the acceptable end of Celtic whimsy.

Hence (the land or planet often being seen as a mother figure) the hippified yearning to return to nature, and hence also (because they are seen as being more closely connected to the land) the reverence of the Celts.

So if it wasn't them, it would be someone else. They are just a peg. A very interesting theory, old boxer...

Regards,

Peter

 

[Noah Phoenix]

Thanks again for your input, guys. And not at all off topic! You've made some interesting comments that were the sort of thing that got me interested in the first place. I will definitely look all the books you've suggested up, should make for some interesting reading, even if I can't weave it all into the story.

 

[Noah Phoenix]

Well, I've got all the books suggested plus about six others, and am currently loosing sleep getting through them all! It's a fascinating subject, and i could go into such detail regarding how celts would have thrived and how would they live now without being almost wiped out/assimilated by other cultures as they did here. Since this is a YA book, there's little point.

There are two main things that stood out to me whilst reading one particular book last night, the first is that the celts suffered the same defeat at the hands of the Greeks at Thermapolye (sorry for the spelling!) that Zerxes did against the Spartans some 200 hundred years before them. You'd have thought they'd have taken note after the first massacre.

The second is one theory on why the celts were so hard to conquer - their decentralised tribalism. With no central governing body, it was hard to fight and conquer a people that were so spread out. England was conquered several times easily, once, I believe without bloodshed because of the fact that all the conquering nation had to do was take out the government and the people would follow. But with the celts, they all had to be individually taken over, which was costly and time consuming.
As I said, very interesting reading...
It does, however, mean I have to change a lot of things to reflect this. For example, they would still be living as a decntralised people, and so there would be no palace, or kings. Secondly, without other peoples influence, they would not have the buildings or customs attributed to other cultures. Unless of course, representatives of those influencing cultures made it through from 'here' to Endershall too.....hmmmm.....