What do I write next??

[Pyar]

Help! I started writing this story that may be just a short story or something a bit longer depending on how much I can develop the plot. But I am stuck! I don't know where to go next in the plot. I feel like I have the foundation of the story down, but I don't know what to put next. Please help me out. Thank you in advance. Also any grammatical, spelling, and other critiques are also welcome.





I opened my eyes and looked out onto the sea. The magnificence always stunned but for this time the sight looked dull. I had been staring out into the horizon for many minutes. The feeling of profoundness had seemed to have vanished into the void of my soul. The sense of peace and senselessness was gone. Now all I had left while I looked out at the endless flow of water breaking on its self was self wonder and possible depression. I did not want to be a sad person, but it seemed that no matter how hard I tried, my unconscious mind drew me back to that base emotion. That emotion that I longed to escape. I could not escape it though, even in this place that’s supposed to be a place of healing. I wanted to be free of the pain. Even though I had a false sense of contentment for a short while, I now knew that the only way for me to actually cure myself would be for me to face the pain. I would have to confront the fear, face the hurt, and defeat my demons. It’s a funny thing, loss, I never thought it was such a hard thing to get over but my every waking moment was about it. And even in sleep it seemed to take over, my dreams were constant reminders of the horrors I faced. I dread looking in, its been nearly impossible to even think about the past.

The only solution I had found was to run, as fast as possible. I had to get away from everything, from everyone. I traveled and traveled for months and months and eventually it had become years. I didn’t know if the people I had known had withered away and died. Or maybe they had flourished and lived out long happy lives. I doubted that. It seemed like everything I touched lead to devastation or pain. I couldn’t see any way they could have picked up the pieces. There was no way to heal, years of trying hadn’t worked. The broken couldn’t be fixed. At least that’s what I thought, what I felt to be true in my heart, or what was left of my heart. The sky and the water had melded into one in front of me. The smell of the salt flew with the air. My leg hung over the side of the cliff. I knew that I shouldn’t be here, in this place. It seemed like I was at the end of the world. Behind me, very far behind me, was civilization. In front of me was the vast depths of the blue. The uncharted coves and rocks, filled with creatures in the darkness below.

Here at the edge of the world, where no one had come before, I wanted to find the reason. I needed to know, I had asked a million times to the heavens above, but I never got a response or an answer. I had yelled to the pits below, the evil lord causing havoc and pain, but he had never answered. It seemed no one cared about the puny life I led or the pain of a simple man. So here was my last chance, my last attempt to get an answer. I stood up on top the bare rock. Below me the vertical rock face was filled with hundreds of ledges upon which many seabirds sat. Above me was the empty sky, the sun in the peculiar place right before dusk. I looked out into the unknown and yelled as loud as possible. The guttural scream that came out was full of pain and anguish yet it could barely be heard above the roar of the waves, above the noise of the world. When my breath ran out, I collapsed onto the ground, out of energy. My body was sprawled across the rock, parallel to the edge. I turned my head to the right and looked out once again at the water.

“Answer me. Tell me why?” I whispered. Still I heard nothing, I felt nothing. There was nothing in the world for me, nowhere for me to go. There was nothing for me to understand any more. I let myself go to the air, to the noise, to the light, to the smell. My eyes closed slowly, the last splinter of hope seeming to fall away as the darkness settled in.

*********
There she was, the one I loved. I needed to know it was her though. Her face looked different. It was as if someone had taken a paintbrush and redrew her. Her face was smaller, her eyes rounder. Her hair was longer and her stature was bent over. She was older. The biggest difference was her expression. I was taken aback in horror by it. She looked like she had given up on life, there was nothing in her eyes. The joy, the happiness was gone. The energy was drained. She was a lifeless husk. I took a step towards at her and she looked up. Tears streaked her face. But these were silent tears, she wiped them away as if they were an annoyance. She did this all emotionless. Her lips were cracked and her body thin. I opened my mouth to speak but she lifted her finger to her lips. She shook her head slowly, motioning to keep silent. I didn’t understand what was going on. I looked around at my surroundings, it was pretty much a wooden box. There was no furnishings and the walls were bare. I looked back, and she was gone. Where she stood nothing was left except for something lying on the floor.

I walked over and picked it up. It was a piece of paper, a note, and it only said three words: “I am waiting.” I looked up after reading it, now in front of me was a door. I walked to it and put my hand on the knob. I turned it and pulled the door open. Outside it was very bright, too bright to see anything. I thought I would be scared, but for some reason I felt elated, so I took a step outside.

***********

My eyes opened. The morning sun shone down upon me. The sound of a thousand birds mixed with the crashing of waves overwhelmed my ears. I couldn’t believe it, it had been a dream. I had seen her, I had felt her pain. I now knew she was alive. That she was waiting for me. But maybe this was just a dream. It could have been a trick my mind was playing on me. It could be nothing. Or it could be a sign. I didn’t know what to think. I wanted to believe, I wanted it to be true. But it was too good to be true. I stared up into the clouds. It seemed as if I had finally been answered, that I had gotten some sort of sign. But how could I know what it meant or where it had come from. How could I even know to believe it. I wanted to believe it so much. The hope that had been slowly ebbing away day after day seemed to have come back. The endless hours of nothingness had drained me. I lifted myself from the ground and sat up.

I hadn’t seen another person for months. Even in my restless dreams, all I remembered was the constant feeling of confusion, of searching for the answer but never being able to find it. She was waiting for me, that was the answer. She had lived through such pain and horror and she had still waited. She waited despite everything, despite the years. I had to go to her, to save to her, to unite with her. There was nothing else I could do, for now was the time. I had been given my one chance to heal, to amend my past. I had to grasp this opportunity and take it. There was nothing that could hold me back now. I still did not think about the consequences, I did not want to think about anything. She was out there somewhere and she was waiting. She had always been waiting. And all this time I had been running.

I stood up and turned around. My feet were on the edge of the world. I looked inward, towards that place I once called home. I looked back towards the people, the rules, the society I had left. I looked and I imagined, somewhere she is out there waiting for me. She is waiting, and I need to get to her as soon as I can. There is no reason to wander any more. There is no point in running anymore. The hole that is inside me could be filled, if I find her. So now was the time for me to act. I had to get back to civilization as soon as possible. And then I had to find her, no matter what it took and free her. She was waiting for me even though I had thought she had been dead and gone. I loved her so now all I could do was redeem myself and hope that she would keep waiting.

Directly in front of me was a massive forest. The trees were very tall, impossible to scale. Hanging from many branches where vines, entagling the depths into greater darkness. I had trekked through this great forest, or jungle as it would be known in this tropical climate. It had taken months to get through it, often with many close encounters. I had run into monstrous beasts that had attacked me and I had lost my way more than a few times. Sometimes I had been unable to find water to drink and at others there was too much water everywhere. If I had any choice now I would not go through it again. There had to be some way around it. Before I had left and from what little maps I had seen, this was the largest jungle in the world. It covered such a large distance that no one really knew how far it actually went. Very, very few had ever survived to get through it and even fewer had made it back to tell the story. I knew I had to be one of the ones who would make it make.

I had not carried a single thing with me. When I had first left, there were no belongings in the world that I needed, everything I needed was around me in nature. The necessities of life were no longer necessary for me. I was free from the constraints and the requirements that people had to follow. I could do whatever I wanted, when I wanted without having to listen to anyone. I did not care about myself either, though. I had no desire to maintain my appearance, there was no one for me to do that for, I had no reason to learn, who did I have to talk to, I had no cause to worship, who would I share it with. There was absolutely nothing physical that I needed, all that would suffice would be my memories. I needed those more than anything to help me get though the hard times. Since I had nothing with me, it had been imperative for me to be able to fashion things out of my surroundings. I had learned to build makeshift tents, to start fires. I had figured out how to make weapons to kill things, to turn dead animals into food and clothing. There was so much I had to learn to do, and for what I didn’t even know.

I started walking along the cliff. I knew that it was dangerous, but I was so lost in thought regarding my dilemma that it really didn’t make that much of a difference to me. Somewhere in my unconscious, my mind is battling with itself. One part is yelling for me to step away from the edge of the cliff, pushing me to be cautious, to try to be safe for her sake. The other part is yelling that it doesn’t matter whether you stay up here or fall over. That it really doesn’t matter at this point. It has been too long, too many years, everything would be different now. She wouldn’t think of me as the same person, she wouldn’t know me or what I have gone through.

I stepped on a loose rock, shaking my whole body. I was in an uneasy sway, too close to the edge. It seemed all these years that all I had ever been, on the edge of a cliff, on the brink of falling. I could have given up and just let my body slide off, I could have let the wind push my body over the edge but somehow I had continued on. I had kept walking, kept searching, kept running away. I didn’t know what to do with my life. All I knew was that there was nothing left for me behind me so all I could do was to look forward. But even looking forward didn’t really bring any comfort cause in front of me was nothing, no one. All that was there was a shadow of my old self, a reminder of the emptiness that filled my life. Now I had the opportunity to fill that emptiness, that I could somehow make things right. But I still felt like there was no hope, I still felt the pain, I still didn’t want to look deep down inside myself and confront what was there. I don’t know why I still felt those things. I thought that if I ever found her again, if saw her that it would be lifted away, that there would be no burden left on my heart. But it was still there, there was no way it was going away any time soon.

Still, something had given me this opportunity, and even if it didn’t make my pain go away, I could still try to find her and help her. She was waiting for me, she had been waiting this entire time for me and I had been stupidly wandering around the world aimlessly. She had been suffering and enduring and in pain and here I was walking carelessly at the end of the world. I stopped and looked away from the ground below me and stared into the forest to my right. There was no way I could get through that. The only choice I had left was to follow the forest all the way up the coast until I reached somewhere, anywhere. I didn’t have anything, nothing that I could use to even barter. I didn’t know what I would do when I would see other people, but I knew that I had to find her somehow. She was waiting. I knew that I had to reach her and that I would do whatever it took to make that happen. I looked one last time out at the ocean, promising myself not to look again. Standing on the edge had really made me rethink why I was here, it always seemed that I had been put here to suffer, to feel pain. But something or someone had taken mercy on me. They had given me a sign. Being on the edge, ready to fall over, willing to succumb to the depths, I had come to this place, and now I had had somewhere to go, someone to find, and a renewed sense of hope. I turned away from the immense sight, the image etched in my memory, and looked up the coast. I had a long journey ahead of me, but that didn’t really matter to me.

*********
I had dreamed of her once again. This time her face had been freshly wet. The cause of her tears was some great pain. She wouldn’t say what was wrong. She just had continually nodded absentmindedly. Every step I took towards her, she stepped away from; it was as if she didn’t want to come near me. Throughout the dream I had this feeling of dread and uncertainty. It was as if I knew that I wanted to help, that I wanted to do something, to be by her side again, but I wouldn’t be able to. I thought that I would be too late by the time I got to her. Whatever was hurting her, whatever she needed me to save her from, I wasn’t sure if I would be able to confront that. She had been waiting for me, despite everything that had happened to her, despite all the years I had aimlessly ran around instead of looked for her and protected her. I don’t really care if its too late by the time I reached her. All that mattered to me was that I tried. She was calling me, her will so strong what she appeared in my dreams. I had no choice, I had to find her and save her. I needed her. I wanted that space in my heart to heal, that bottomless void to be gone. Only she would be able to do it.

I lifted myself off the ground and stood up. My surroundings still looked completely the same. It was utterly boring and seemed never ending. It had never hit be before this that I had traveled so far, that I had been gone so long. When I had nothing to live for, distance and time didn’t really have much meaning anymore. But now I had meaning in my life, I had somewhere to go, someone to see, and most importantly someone to save. But now it seemed like every step I took was just another step away from her, every hour I traveled was just one of the many ahead of me before I reached her. I knew I had to do it, but it wasn’t very encouraging. It was hard to motivate myself toward a goal, I hadn’t done that in a long time. But I knew I had to do it no matter what, no matter how much I wanted to just stop and lie down or just wander and do nothing. I couldn’t just roam around pointlessly without a thought in my head anymore. I had to plan, think, and make sense of the world around me. It was hard, very hard. I took a step. And then another, and another and another. I had begun moving, the momentum had begun. I hoped that it would last throughout the rest of the day.

The only thing I had left at this point was to look forward to keep moving forward. I needed to find her and that would require a lot from me. I hadn’t seen her for years. I hadn’t seen anyone for years. I would have to adjust to being back in other peoples company. I would have to do the things that I used to do. It seems like that was such a long time ago. It seems like another lifetime, another person who used to do those things. I used to care about the way I looked, the person I was. I used to like talking to other people, smiling, laughing. I remember hearing her laugh and the way it made me feel. I know that laugh, I could remember that laugh forever. She was the most beautiful thing in the world. And now I had a chance to find her again. I would do anything to get to her and fix what has happened. I knew it was going to take a long time, I was too far away and I had nothing to help me get there quickly. But I knew that time was running out, that I didn’t have much more of a chance to save her. It was now or never. I knew I had to rush, I had to run. I wish I could fly, it would be much quicker. Or if I had a boat, I could sail up the coast which would be faster. But I could do neither of those things. All I could do was keep walking, and walking and walking. It would be many days, but I knew I would make it eventually.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Phew.

I read it. It seems a little heavy to me.

It seems a nice twist on why one should never end it all which counters the they'll be sorry when I'm gone argument quite well.

As in :- "Think, when X is desperate for help, where will you be" - kind of thing.

As to where you take it next.

This could be the start of any road trip/adventure plot. The struggle, the overcoming, the eventual twist at the end where he had seen her as a spirit so when he eventually battles through she's been dead the ten years (since that day) it's taken him to get back. It could be humorous or ripping yarn (planes and boats and trains type of thing)

At one point I thought he had died and her sadness was due to having been joined in death the fact he threw himself of the cliff barred his entrance so they could not be together. He would then have to do some good deed to get his soul clean kind of thing.

Good luck with it.

There were a few places where I could suggest "re-arranging" the text but I thought I would concentrate on the question asked.

 

[chrispenycate]

That's a bit long and a bit dense for a critique; you might find this deters potential commenters.

The feeling of profoundness had seemed to have vanished into the void of my soul. The sense of peace and senselessness was gone.

I don't like "senselessness" here (actually I prefer "profundity" to "profoundness", but that's not an error) as it suggests a lack of intelligence rather than an absence of sensation.

Now all I had left while I looked out at the endless flow of water breaking on its self was self wonder and possible depression

even if we put "itself", that's two "self"s too close to each other

It’s a funny thing, loss, I never thought it was such a hard thing to get over but my every waking moment was about it.

semicolon instead of comma after "loss"

. And even in sleep it seemed to take over, my dreams were constant reminders of the horrors I faced.

semicolon instead of comma after "over"

I dread looking in, its been nearly impossible to even think about the past.

semicolon instead of comma and "it's" rather than "its". And, what are you looking in to?

It seemed like everything I touched lead to devastation or pain.

"led" rather than "lead", but is it even the right verb?

There was no way to heal, years of trying hadn’t worked.

semicolon instead of comma

In front of me was the vast depths of the blue.

either "were the vast depths" or "was the vast depth"

The uncharted coves and rocks, filled with creatures in the darkness below.

fragment (not important, I'm just pointing it out)

I stood up on top the bare rock.

"on top of"?

hundreds of ledges upon which many seabirds sat.

I find that "many" very weak

the sun in the peculiar place right before dusk.

"peculiar" or "particular“?

I needed to know it was her though.

comma after "her"

It was as if someone had taken a paintbrush and redrew her.

"redrawn"

her stature was bent over.

It's not really her stature that is bent, is it?

She did this all emotionless.

either "emotionlessly", or a comma after "this"

I looked around at my surroundings, it was pretty much a wooden box.

semicolon instead of comma

There was no furnishings and the walls were bare

There were no furnishings

Where she stood nothing was left except for something lying on the floor.

Where she had stood, and "nothing except something" is a clumsy word structure

I looked up after reading it, now in front of me was a door.

couldn’t believe it, it had been a dream.

semicolon instead of comma

I had seen her, I had felt her pain.

semicolon instead of comma

But how could I know what it meant or where it had come from. How could I even know to believe it.

two question marks

Even in my restless dreams, all I remembered was the constant feeling of confusion, of searching for the answer but never being able to find it.

doesn't require that first comma

And then I had to find her, no matter what it took and free her.

comma after "took"

I loved her so now all I could do was redeem myself and hope that she would keep waiting.

there is a comma, either after "her" or after "so", depending on what you intend the sentence to say.

Directly in front of me was a massive forest.

that is a little abrupt; we get the impression the forest has grown up the cliffs while he was lost in self-pity

Hanging from many branches where vines, entagling the depths into greater darkness.

were, entangling?

Before I had left and from what little maps I had seen, this was the largest jungle in the world.

confusing. The size of the jungle might have changed in the meantime? Perhaps something more like "From those few maps I had seen before I had left, this was the largest jungle in the world."?

I knew I had to be one of the ones who would make it make.

presumably "make it back"

I was in an uneasy sway, too close to the edge.

not convincing

Now I had the opportunity to fill that emptiness, that I could somehow make things right.

"to somehow" rather than "that I could"

Standing on the edge had really made me rethink why I was here, it always seemed that I had been put here to suffer, to feel pain.

semicolon instead of comma after "here"

despite all the years I had aimlessly ran around instead of looked for her and protected her.

"aimlessly run around" , "instead of looking for her and protecting her"

by the time I reached her

it's; but since we've been in past tense until now shouldn't it be "I didn’t really care if it was too late"?

She was calling me, her will so strong what she appeared in my dreams.

"that", not "what"

I had no choice, I had to find her and save her.

semicolon instead of comma

It was hard to motivate myself toward a goal, I hadn’t done that in a long time.

semicolon instead of comma

The only thing I had left at this point was to look forward to keep moving forward.

comma after first "forward"

I would have to adjust to being back in other peoples company.

people's

 

[ctg]

TEIN is right, this is very heavy prose to read. What you need to do is to soften it up, so that the readers can smoothly find the hook and keep reading it.

I opened my eyes and looked out onto the sea. The magnificence always stunned but for this time the sight looked dull. I had been staring out into the horizon for many minutes. The feeling of profoundness had seemed to have vanished into the void of my soul. The sense of peace and senselessness was gone. Now all I had left while I looked out at the endless flow of water breaking on its self was self wonder and possible depression. I did not want to be a sad person, but it seemed that no matter how hard I tried, my unconscious mind drew me back to that base emotion. That emotion that I longed to escape. I could not escape it though, even in this place that’s supposed to be a place of healing. I wanted to be free of the pain. Even though I had a false sense of contentment for a short while, I now knew that the only way for me to actually cure myself would be for me to face the pain. I would have to confront the fear, face the hurt, and defeat my demons. It’s a funny thing, loss, I never thought it was such a hard thing to get over but my every waking moment was about it. And even in sleep it seemed to take over, my dreams were constant reminders of the horrors I faced. I dread looking in, its been nearly impossible to even think about the past.

I won't do this to every chapter, but you could rewrite it like so:

I looked the sea, expecting to see its stunning magnificence, but instead the sight was dull, almost boring. The feeling of profoundness seemed to vanishing into the void of my soul. There was no peace, no senselessness. All that was left was endless flow of water, breaking on itself.

By no means I'm not a sad person, but no matter how hard I tried, my unconscious mind drew me back to that base emotion. There was no escape. Even though I knew this place was suppose to be devoted to healing. It did not offer me comfort from pain. Only false sense of contentment for a short while.

It’s a funny thing, the loss. I never thought it was going to be such a hard thing to get over, but every waking moment it was with me, like a inner demon. Tormenting, reminding me of what had ... ... and the dreams. The constant reminders of the horrors I'd faced. I dread to close my eyes. And it's nearly impossible to even think about the past.

What I did was that I focused the inner voice to speak to the reader. As you can see I broke the heavy para in smaller paras. It gives a moment of pause to the reader and it also speeds up the pacing. I also removed the repetition and dripped in the information. If you want, then I recommend you to rewrite, edit the piece in a way I have shown above.

 

[Boneman]

Hi Pyar,

I did actually read it all, which is surprising, as normally this length puts me off, if the contributor is asking for a full critique. So that, in itself, is a compliment to your writing, I guess. But then I read it again, and I realised what you're up against. A (presumably) cataclysmic event has happened, and this guy's legged it, thinking the woman he loves is dead. Now, you must have some idea of what the event was, no?

As a starting point, this is quite powerful stuff (even if the cynic in me thinks this guy is a weensy bit anally retentive) and I can see an epic story unwinding, of redemption and paradise regained, but mega struggles on the way to make it worthwhile... You've done a good job of showing us his journey to the depths and now you've got to show us his journey to the heights. He's gained some pretty useful skills along the way (surviving the wilderness with nothing, Bear Grylls and Ray Mears would be proud) so now you have to think about what skills he had before the event. Is this world one of swordplay, or more modern fantasy, post-apocoliptic, even? A 'St George and the Dragon' type, where the hero now has to rescue the damsel in distress? Was she taken from him, and he assumed she was dead? Did he do something that caused the event, and his guilt drove him?

But where to go next in the plot? Going to be difficult without some idea of what world we're inhabiting. However, a wild man with a long beard, wearing animal skins is about to wander back into the civilised world, what are they going to make of him? He has no idea where he is in this world, either, so you're going to have to give us (the reader) some clues. To make it difficult for him, whatif the first place he goes to have no idea of the place he's trying to get back to, never 'eard of it. Maybe he signs on aboard a ship/fishing vessel/caravan/aircraft/balloon/army (that's what heroes usually do) and works his passage as he tries to find his way back.

If you can give us a clue as to what type of world (technology etc) he's lost in, it will be easier for us to throw ideas at you to help you plot it.

 

[zachariah]

These are the opinions of a reader, treat them as such.

I stopped reading after the first few sentences. I will do my best to explain why, and you should know it is purely due to my personal likes/dislikes.

I opened my eyes and looked out onto the sea.

Beginning with a character (appearing to) wake up is a huge cliché alert.

The magnificence always stunned but for this time the sight looked dull.

Your turn of phrase is peculiar. 'But for this time' is the wrong way to express the idea that this time the stunning sight was dull. And 'the magnificence always stunned' is a very odd way to say that it was always a stunning sight.

I had been staring out into the horizon for many minutes. The feeling of profoundness had seemed to have vanished into the void of my soul.

Staring out into? Staring at is all you need here. 'Many minutes' sounds overblown. The other sentence is pompous melodrama. Would you be comfortable saying these things to a group of friends? And expect them to keep a straight face?

The sense of peace and senselessness was gone. Now all I had left while I looked out at the endless flow of water breaking on its self was self wonder and possible depression.

The sense...of senselessness...Urrrgh.

Are you deliberately trying for a 'literary' style? Because it looks like a parody of one of those critically-acclaimed books that nobody actually reads. Is this how you want to write or what you think you're supposed to be writing?

I apologise for giving such a negative critique. I believe in your ability to learn from random internet yahoos like myself and ignore us as you see fit.

 

[Pyar]

Phew.

I read it. It seems a little heavy to me.

Thanks for taking the time to read it! Yes I know it is more than a little heavy right now. When I started writing it all I wanted to do was just to have some sort of emotional release without worrying about what I was writing or anything like that. But now that its gotten pretty long I think I'll have to go back and make it a little less heavy. Although I should say that I was going for a little more heavy feeling. This piece is completely different than anything I've written before, usually my stories are visual and much less character focused than this so its something new for me to get a balance of.

It seems a nice twist on why one should never end it all which counters the they'll be sorry when I'm gone argument quite well.

As in :- "Think, when X is desperate for help, where will you be" - kind of thing.

Yeah thats the kind of angle I am going for. But naturally its going to develop throughout the story.

As to where you take it next.

This could be the start of any road trip/adventure plot. The struggle, the overcoming, the eventual twist at the end where he had seen her as a spirit so when he eventually battles through she's been dead the ten years (since that day) it's taken him to get back. It could be humorous or ripping yarn (planes and boats and trains type of thing)

Hmmm I guess an adventure plot would work. There is a lot I could cover with such a plot with struggle and sacrifice although I don't think that twist you speak of is the way I wanted the story to go. What do you mean by it could be humourous or ripping yarn? And by planes, boats, and trains type of thing? I think missed your point there.

At one point I thought he had died and her sadness was due to having been joined in death the fact he threw himself of the cliff barred his entrance so they could not be together. He would then have to do some good deed to get his soul clean kind of thing.

Oh interesting, I never even thought of that. I guess I'm gonna have to go back through it and make it more obvious that he is alive.

Good luck with it.

There were a few places where I could suggest "re-arranging" the text but I thought I would concentrate on the question asked.

Thank you for your thoughts!

 

[Pyar]

That's a bit long and a bit dense for a critique; you might find this deters potential commenters.

Thank you Chris for taking the time to read through this and giving me feedback. Your comments are very very helpful. I know that the length may deter some people, but that's fine with me.

I think you are spot on with your recommendations, you caught everything I meant to say but didn't. Now it's time to fix it!

 

[Pyar]

TEIN is right, this is very heavy prose to read. What you need to do is to soften it up, so that the readers can smoothly find the hook and keep reading it.

Thanks for taking the time to read this ctg! Yes I know it is very heavy prose. I think at times I get caught up into it and don't realize that its getting to dense.

I won't do this to every chapter, but you could rewrite it like so:

I looked the sea, expecting to see its stunning magnificence, but instead the sight was dull, almost boring. The feeling of profoundness seemed to vanishing into the void of my soul. There was no peace, no senselessness. All that was left was endless flow of water, breaking on itself.

By no means I'm not a sad person, but no matter how hard I tried, my unconscious mind drew me back to that base emotion. There was no escape. Even though I knew this place was suppose to be devoted to healing. It did not offer me comfort from pain. Only false sense of contentment for a short while.

It’s a funny thing, the loss. I never thought it was going to be such a hard thing to get over, but every waking moment it was with me, like a inner demon. Tormenting, reminding me of what had ... ... and the dreams. The constant reminders of the horrors I'd faced. I dread to close my eyes. And it's nearly impossible to even think about the past.

What I did was that I focused the inner voice to speak to the reader. As you can see I broke the heavy para in smaller paras. It gives a moment of pause to the reader and it also speeds up the pacing. I also removed the repetition and dripped in the information. If you want, then I recommend you to rewrite, edit the piece in a way I have shown above.

Wow! You are completely right. I think it sounds much more personable and approachable this way while still retaining what I meant to convey. I will try to rewrite/edit the piece to be more like this.

Also breaking the large paragraphs into smaller ones is such a good idea! That will be very helpful with the pacing.

 

[Pyar]

Hi Pyar,

I did actually read it all, which is surprising, as normally this length puts me off, if the contributor is asking for a full critique. So that, in itself, is a compliment to your writing, I guess. But then I read it again, and I realised what you're up against. A (presumably) cataclysmic event has happened, and this guy's legged it, thinking the woman he loves is dead. Now, you must have some idea of what the event was, no?

Boneman, I can't express how surprised/thrilled I was after I had read your post. Thank you so much! I think you hit exactly what I was going for right on the head. Something horrific has happened and he thinks the woman he loves is dead so hes run away forever. Yes I do have an idea of what the event is.

As a starting point, this is quite powerful stuff (even if the cynic in me thinks this guy is a weensy bit anally retentive)

What do you mean by anally retentive? Do you mean overly dramatic?

and I can see an epic story unwinding, of redemption and paradise regained, but mega struggles on the way to make it worthwhile... You've done a good job of showing us his journey to the depths and now you've got to show us his journey to the heights. He's gained some pretty useful skills along the way (surviving the wilderness with nothing, Bear Grylls and Ray Mears would be proud) so now you have to think about what skills he had before the event.

Yes! Yes! Yes! You are completely on the track I want this to go in. There is going to be many struggles along the way but in the end he might be redeemed. I was thinking of Bear Grylls when I was writing that part though lol.

Is this world one of swordplay, or more modern fantasy, post-apocoliptic, even? A 'St George and the Dragon' type, where the hero now has to rescue the damsel in distress? Was she taken from him, and he assumed she was dead? Did he do something that caused the event, and his guilt drove him?

This is a world of swordplay, I was going for more of a dark fantasy feel. I wasn't going for a post-apocalyptic story, the event that happens to him is more personal and not so much world changing. Also this is supposed to be set in another fictional world, not Earth. I think this might very loosely fall into saving the damsel in distress category its supposed to be moreso about him and his chance to redeem himself rather than saving her. I think he assumed that she was dead and that he thinks he caused the event and thus in turn making him feel guilty. But that aspect will be developed more later on.

But where to go next in the plot? Going to be difficult without some idea of what world we're inhabiting. However, a wild man with a long beard, wearing animal skins is about to wander back into the civilised world, what are they going to make of him? He has no idea where he is in this world, either, so you're going to have to give us (the reader) some clues. To make it difficult for him, whatif the first place he goes to have no idea of the place he's trying to get back to, never 'eard of it. Maybe he signs on aboard a ship/fishing vessel/caravan/aircraft/balloon/army (that's what heroes usually do) and works his passage as he tries to find his way back.

If you can give us a clue as to what type of world (technology etc) he's lost in, it will be easier for us to throw ideas at you to help you plot it.

Yes you make a great point, with the way he looks like a wild man its going to make for one great scene/story. I suppose clarifying the world and his surroundings better would helpful to the story. The world is not very technological, fighting is still mainly done with swords although there is some beginnings of gunpowder. I haven't really thought of much other than that in reagards to the world.

I think he is going to run into more problems than the people just not knowing of the place he has to go to . I think (and what I tend to do in my stories) he is going to be more of a solo, one man show throughout the book, rather than having him join some sort of group. This man is supposed to be a loner. But said that I think he will certainly meet some interesting characters along the way that may stick around for a bit.

What I was trying to ask in the first post (which I failed at doing) is what do I immediately write next, as in what should logically happen next. I think that he should keep walking up the coast until he stops someone. But that would get very very repetitive, so any alternative suggestions would be great.

 

[Pyar]

These are the opinions of a reader, treat them as such.

I stopped reading after the first few sentences. I will do my best to explain why, and you should know it is purely due to my personal likes/dislikes.
Beginning with a character (appearing to) wake up is a huge cliché alert. Your turn of phrase is peculiar. 'But for this time' is the wrong way to express the idea that this time the stunning sight was dull. And 'the magnificence always stunned' is a very odd way to say that it was always a stunning sight.Staring out into? Staring at is all you need here. 'Many minutes' sounds overblown. The other sentence is pompous melodrama. Would you be comfortable saying these things to a group of friends? And expect them to keep a straight face?The sense...of senselessness...Urrrgh.

Are you deliberately trying for a 'literary' style? Because it looks like a parody of one of those critically-acclaimed books that nobody actually reads. Is this how you want to write or what you think you're supposed to be writing?

I apologise for giving such a negative critique. I believe in your ability to learn from random internet yahoos like myself and ignore us as you see fit.

I'll reply to you tomorrow, I'm too tired now. Thanks for the critique though.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Hmmm I guess an adventure plot would work. There is a lot I could cover with such a plot with struggle and sacrifice although I don't think that twist you speak of is the way I wanted the story to go. What do you mean by it could be humourous or ripping yarn? And by planes, boats, and trains type of thing? I think missed your point there.

OK sorry I got the title wrong - It's a film

Planes Trains and Automobiles - some think it's quite funny - I lost a few ribs that day.

 

[Pyar]

These are the opinions of a reader, treat them as such.

Any opinion is a good opinion so thank you for your thoughts.

I stopped reading after the first few sentences. I will do my best to explain why, and you should know it is purely due to my personal likes/dislikes.

Ok that's fine, although I know not everything appeals to everyone, I know I have a problem when someone stops reading only a few sentences in.

Beginning with a character (appearing to) wake up is a huge cliché alert.

Hmmm, you are right it is a cliche to start with a character waking up but I didn't mean to imply that my character was waking up, he was just opening his eyes. How do you think I could fix or change this?

Your turn of phrase is peculiar. 'But for this time' is the wrong way to express the idea that this time the stunning sight was dull. And 'the magnificence always stunned' is a very odd way to say that it was always a stunning sight.

Yes while reading that sentence over, it does sound confusing. It should be: "The magnificence always stunned me, but this time the sight was very dull."

Staring out into? Staring at is all you need here. 'Many minutes' sounds overblown.

A little nitpicky here but again you are right it should be staring at instead of out into. Why is 'many minutes' overblown, I don't understand what you mean.

The other sentence is pompous melodrama. Would you be comfortable saying these things to a group of friends? And expect them to keep a straight face?

Lol, I just had to laugh after I read this. No I would never say this to a group of friends, but then again I'm not writing a story for teens full of slang. This character is supposed to be up in the clouds, he doesn't have a care for the world or practical things. It does sound a bit pompous though I have to agree. If you don't mind, could you elaborate more on what you meant here, and how I should go about making it more realistic?

The sense...of senselessness...Urrrgh.

Yes I know, it sounds horrible haha. Whats a good writer if not one who can take some criticism right?

Are you deliberately trying for a 'literary' style? Because it looks like a parody of one of those critically-acclaimed books that nobody actually reads.

Ummm thats not what I was going for lol. And people do read those types of books actually. They may be outside of your literary tastes but those books can be very good. You should try them out sometime.

I guess to each their own, but I was not going for a parody of anything. I mean I'll just take it as your opinion but I don't want my writing to be degraded to just a parody (although there are some great parodies out there), I put my heart into everything I write.

Is this how you want to write or what you think you're supposed to be writing?

The way I wrote here is very different than my usual writing style. I wanted to try out something different when I was beginning this story. Usually I am not this focused on the character at all or in the characters thoughts. If you read some of my other stories you would be very surprised and those would probably be more to your liking. I have never thought that there is a certain way I am supposed to be writing. I just write, and whatever comes out is just a reflection of my style and expression, not an attempt to fit some sort of mold that I think I am supposed to write like. Every writer has their own style.

I apologise for giving such a negative critique. I believe in your ability to learn from random internet yahoos like myself and ignore us as you see fit.

No I thought your critique was great! It's great to have all different points of view. You put things in perspective for me and it will really help me to think more about the audience while writing.

 

[Pyar]

OK sorry I got the title wrong - It's a film

Planes Trains and Automobiles - some think it's quite funny - I lost a few ribs that day.

Oh I've never seen it or even heard of it. I guess what you are saying is that it could be very funny or very boring. But I'm going for neither in this story haha.

 

[Boneman]

I think that he should keep walking up the coast until he stops someone. But that would get very very repetitive, so any alternative suggestions would be great.

I think you should cut to the chase, ( and get some action in), by having the next scene opening as he reaches the harbour/village/settlement and how he handles it all, rather than the walk itself...

To me, 'anally retentive' is someone who constantly internalises everything, can't get it out... I guess it's a necessary evil as he's setting the scene by telling us what happened in the past. Was only a small point, I think he went on a bit, that's all. But you've already talked of tightning the writing, anyway.