deaconllq
Seraphinium.net
- Joined
- Jun 8, 2009
- Messages
- 38
Please help with your thoughts on this writing. I am unsure of the rules here (yes a newbie). I have a site with the entire book on chapter tabs, but do not want to mention it for fear of being banned. Anyhow, please critique and I will do the same for others.
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After what seemed like another hour, Kael stopped by the western side of the path. If the storm continued to rage outside the forest he could not tell while inside it. The trunks of the trees were coated in water and drops constantly fell from the canopy of the forest, but Kael thought that probably took place even on the hottest, driest days outside the forest. He was sure the Nagur was always a cool, wet, dank place all to itself. Quiet permeated everything.
From Kael’s calculations he felt he should be nearing the Efer river. As he sat propped against a tree, he began to listen for the sound of rushing water. He closed his eyes and let his mind stretch out and reach for that sound. Had he heard it? Maybe, just faintly, he heard the sound of water spilling over rock. It seemed to grow louder the more he concentrated and focused his mind.
Yes, now he definitely heard the steady rush of water. Suddenly, a loud snap interrupted the rhythm of the river. Then another. Kael's eyes sprung open, but his mind and ears stayed alert. The noise came from the eastern side of the Nagur trail. He rolled around the trunk of the tree and gazed into the woods on the opposite side of the path. Nothing. After a minute, Kael heard another soft faint crunching noise. His eyes shot in the sound’s direction. Was that movement he saw? He could not be sure. A few more soft rustling noises and Kael was up and moving Southward down the path.
Kael fumbled inside his cloak for the blade Jasper had given him. He ran lithely down the path, springing over rocks and fallen tree limbs. He listened intently. The rustling turned into a soft thumping noise that quickened as Kael increased his own pace. This was no longer his imagination. Something was following behind him and sounded as if it were gaining on him. When he reached an open stretch of pathway, Kael stole a glance over his shoulder in the direction of the noise. The boy was sure he saw movement inside the tree line. He increased his speed, pushing his body’s endurance.
As he ran on , Kael became aware of the growing sound of the river. Ahead of him the path widened and cleared. A narrow wooden bridge arched over a small gorge cut through the forest floor by the Efer river. If he could make it over the river in time, whatever was following would have to come at him across the bridge. Tactically, he knew that gave him an advantage. If he only had his bow. The pursuer would be funneled onto the narrow bridge and he could take steady aim from the opposite bank. If there were more than one person chasing him, they would have to bunch up to cross the span. His fears began to be replaced by courage. His goal was the bridge.
The path flew under his feet as he ran at top speed. Behind him he heard a crash and glanced back to see a figure break free from the trees and onto the path. Kael leapt onto the narrow wooden bridge that spanned the roaring rapids of the Efer river. His heart leapt as well. Whoever pursued him would need to hesitate and think about approaching an armed quarry. Jasper’s blade flashed from beneath his cloak. The boy prepared to turn mid bridge and face his assailant.
Suddenly, his hopes were dashed. Ahead of him, three shadowy figures emerged from the woods on the opposite side of the river. They took positions at the end of the bridge and notched arrows into short bows. Kael's heart sank. The bridge was to be his salvation. Instead, it was the perfect trap sprung by this group of thieves. Thirty feet ahead lay an arrow to the heart. Thirty feet below a nasty fall to the turbulent Efer. Thirty feet behind ....... Kael turned to see a hooded figure in a green and brown cloak slowly approaching in a crouch across the bridge. The figure had a sword drawn and moved to within three spans of the boy. Kael snarled, spun the dagger’s balanced weight in his hand and smiled at the hooded figure.
“Yours is slightly bigger than mine,” sneered Kael, “but they both cut deeply enough! Stay back!”
The hooded figure froze.
“You have backbone boy.” said the pursuer. “But you are hardly in a position to make demands.”
The figure seemed to relax and stood straight , throwing back its hood. A handsome, young elf stood staring at Kael. The Elf had dusky gray skin, dark black hair and a build similar in size and proportion to that of Kael.
“I am Eidyn, Captain of the Imperial Guard. Drop your weapon and state your business.”
“How can I be certain who you are,” shouted Kael over the roar of the river, ”The four of you might be thieves!”
“Gray Elves do not become thieves boy. You were about to enter our lands. Who else would be guarding the entry way? Now comply with my demands or be taken by force. Those archers could have killed you long ago if they so desired.”
Kael weighed the stranger’s words, and concluded they held merit. He could not help but smile at how poorly this trip had gone. Now he was captured by the very people he had come to visit. He plunged the dagger into a post of the bridge and stepped toward the archers with his hands held high.
“ I mean no one harm, “ said Kael, “I have come here to do some trading in Luxlor.”
“Trading eh,” replied Captain Eidyn, “It is very late in the day to be thinking of trading. The markets will be closed soon.”
“Unfortunately, my companion had an accident and needed to be attended to. This took some time and has forced me behind schedule. If you need someone to vouch for me, I am supposed to meet an Elf named Teeg when I arrive. He is a friend of my father. He should clear things up.”
“If you use that name to impress me, you will soon learn that it does not.” said Eidyn. “Chancellor Teeg will be notified of your arrival and we shall see if he supports your story.”
The Elf moved forward and checked Kael for any other weapons. When he was satisfied, he turned and worked the dagger free from the bridge post. His eyes widened and he took a step back from Kael.
“Where did you get this dagger?” he demanded.
“From a friend.” returned Kael.
“The owner of this dagger would not give it away! Turn around!” ordered Eidyn.
Kael complied. Soon Eidyn had Kael’s hands bound behind his back, and a gag placed in his mouth. Eidyn marched Kael to the opposite side of the bridge.
“Diom, make sure your men are as vigilant as ever,” Captain Eidyn said to one of the bowmen, “The stories of trouble in the North Nagur are true. I have much to report to his majesty. I do not know what role, if any, this prisoner has played in the trouble, but he has the dress of a Southland village boy without the looks of one. You three will come with me. You others maintain your positions and guard the bridge. Support will arrive shortly.”
Kael scanned the woods on the south side of the bridge and began to pick out the figures of Elves crouched behind trees and boulders. Eidyn strode ahead down the path and led the five men on their march toward Luxlor.
.........................................................
After what seemed like another hour, Kael stopped by the western side of the path. If the storm continued to rage outside the forest he could not tell while inside it. The trunks of the trees were coated in water and drops constantly fell from the canopy of the forest, but Kael thought that probably took place even on the hottest, driest days outside the forest. He was sure the Nagur was always a cool, wet, dank place all to itself. Quiet permeated everything.
From Kael’s calculations he felt he should be nearing the Efer river. As he sat propped against a tree, he began to listen for the sound of rushing water. He closed his eyes and let his mind stretch out and reach for that sound. Had he heard it? Maybe, just faintly, he heard the sound of water spilling over rock. It seemed to grow louder the more he concentrated and focused his mind.
Yes, now he definitely heard the steady rush of water. Suddenly, a loud snap interrupted the rhythm of the river. Then another. Kael's eyes sprung open, but his mind and ears stayed alert. The noise came from the eastern side of the Nagur trail. He rolled around the trunk of the tree and gazed into the woods on the opposite side of the path. Nothing. After a minute, Kael heard another soft faint crunching noise. His eyes shot in the sound’s direction. Was that movement he saw? He could not be sure. A few more soft rustling noises and Kael was up and moving Southward down the path.
Kael fumbled inside his cloak for the blade Jasper had given him. He ran lithely down the path, springing over rocks and fallen tree limbs. He listened intently. The rustling turned into a soft thumping noise that quickened as Kael increased his own pace. This was no longer his imagination. Something was following behind him and sounded as if it were gaining on him. When he reached an open stretch of pathway, Kael stole a glance over his shoulder in the direction of the noise. The boy was sure he saw movement inside the tree line. He increased his speed, pushing his body’s endurance.
As he ran on , Kael became aware of the growing sound of the river. Ahead of him the path widened and cleared. A narrow wooden bridge arched over a small gorge cut through the forest floor by the Efer river. If he could make it over the river in time, whatever was following would have to come at him across the bridge. Tactically, he knew that gave him an advantage. If he only had his bow. The pursuer would be funneled onto the narrow bridge and he could take steady aim from the opposite bank. If there were more than one person chasing him, they would have to bunch up to cross the span. His fears began to be replaced by courage. His goal was the bridge.
The path flew under his feet as he ran at top speed. Behind him he heard a crash and glanced back to see a figure break free from the trees and onto the path. Kael leapt onto the narrow wooden bridge that spanned the roaring rapids of the Efer river. His heart leapt as well. Whoever pursued him would need to hesitate and think about approaching an armed quarry. Jasper’s blade flashed from beneath his cloak. The boy prepared to turn mid bridge and face his assailant.
Suddenly, his hopes were dashed. Ahead of him, three shadowy figures emerged from the woods on the opposite side of the river. They took positions at the end of the bridge and notched arrows into short bows. Kael's heart sank. The bridge was to be his salvation. Instead, it was the perfect trap sprung by this group of thieves. Thirty feet ahead lay an arrow to the heart. Thirty feet below a nasty fall to the turbulent Efer. Thirty feet behind ....... Kael turned to see a hooded figure in a green and brown cloak slowly approaching in a crouch across the bridge. The figure had a sword drawn and moved to within three spans of the boy. Kael snarled, spun the dagger’s balanced weight in his hand and smiled at the hooded figure.
“Yours is slightly bigger than mine,” sneered Kael, “but they both cut deeply enough! Stay back!”
The hooded figure froze.
“You have backbone boy.” said the pursuer. “But you are hardly in a position to make demands.”
The figure seemed to relax and stood straight , throwing back its hood. A handsome, young elf stood staring at Kael. The Elf had dusky gray skin, dark black hair and a build similar in size and proportion to that of Kael.
“I am Eidyn, Captain of the Imperial Guard. Drop your weapon and state your business.”
“How can I be certain who you are,” shouted Kael over the roar of the river, ”The four of you might be thieves!”
“Gray Elves do not become thieves boy. You were about to enter our lands. Who else would be guarding the entry way? Now comply with my demands or be taken by force. Those archers could have killed you long ago if they so desired.”
Kael weighed the stranger’s words, and concluded they held merit. He could not help but smile at how poorly this trip had gone. Now he was captured by the very people he had come to visit. He plunged the dagger into a post of the bridge and stepped toward the archers with his hands held high.
“ I mean no one harm, “ said Kael, “I have come here to do some trading in Luxlor.”
“Trading eh,” replied Captain Eidyn, “It is very late in the day to be thinking of trading. The markets will be closed soon.”
“Unfortunately, my companion had an accident and needed to be attended to. This took some time and has forced me behind schedule. If you need someone to vouch for me, I am supposed to meet an Elf named Teeg when I arrive. He is a friend of my father. He should clear things up.”
“If you use that name to impress me, you will soon learn that it does not.” said Eidyn. “Chancellor Teeg will be notified of your arrival and we shall see if he supports your story.”
The Elf moved forward and checked Kael for any other weapons. When he was satisfied, he turned and worked the dagger free from the bridge post. His eyes widened and he took a step back from Kael.
“Where did you get this dagger?” he demanded.
“From a friend.” returned Kael.
“The owner of this dagger would not give it away! Turn around!” ordered Eidyn.
Kael complied. Soon Eidyn had Kael’s hands bound behind his back, and a gag placed in his mouth. Eidyn marched Kael to the opposite side of the bridge.
“Diom, make sure your men are as vigilant as ever,” Captain Eidyn said to one of the bowmen, “The stories of trouble in the North Nagur are true. I have much to report to his majesty. I do not know what role, if any, this prisoner has played in the trouble, but he has the dress of a Southland village boy without the looks of one. You three will come with me. You others maintain your positions and guard the bridge. Support will arrive shortly.”
Kael scanned the woods on the south side of the bridge and began to pick out the figures of Elves crouched behind trees and boulders. Eidyn strode ahead down the path and led the five men on their march toward Luxlor.
