Excerpts from my new story, The Haunted Citadel

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jjtubbingsworth

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I have begun a new literary project. It will most likely end as an unpublished novella written for my own enjoyment. I began writing this as a prequel for my main story to get me back into the feel of writing and to familiarize myself with my characters. The story is called The Haunted Citadel.

This prequel is set in my fantasy world. My heroes set out on a quest for wealth, but soon find themselves involved in a plot to plunge the world into certain doom. The main antagonist is a vampire lord of immense power.

This first excerpt is my introduction.

Blood as thick and black as tar dripped slowly off the tip of Leo’s single-edged sword. Each drop hit the damp earth with a dull pat. Before him, lay the hewn, bloodied carcass of some unholy creature. Next to the vile thing laid the corpse of an elderly man, the creature’s latest victim. Leo frowned. He had been too late to save the old man.

He flicked his blade, as if in silent protest, sending drops of the creature’s blood in a curved line around him and then sheathed it. He lifted his hand, facing his palm towards the corpses and closed his eyes.

“May you find your way to the Hallowed Morrow,” Leo said quietly as he channeled magical energy into the palm of his hand.

Both the remains of the old man and creature suddenly caught ablaze. The intense heat forced Leo to look away. He knew little of Tyrosian funeral rituals, only that they cremated their honored dead. The Tyrosians believed fire to be holy and purifying. This came as no surprise considering they had been regarded as the greatest fire mages since before history was first writ. But as a stranger to Tyros, there was only so much Leo could do. And he hoped this would be enough for the old man.

Leo took a step back as the flames grew larger and hotter. He looked on with morbid fascination as both corpses were consumed by fire, slowly turning to ash and cinder. He continued to watch and Leo wondered if the old man had any family. He wondered if there was anybody waiting for him to come home, only to wait for an eternity. A constricting sensation began coiling around his neck, which he suppressed with a guttural cough. He did not like the turn his thoughts were taking. After all, it had been quite some time since he was forced to think about his circumstances. He had been a vagabond for almost a year now, taking on one harrowing job after another, desperately trying to forget. With all the trouble he had encountered in the past few months, it was easy for him to ignore his nagging thoughts. But now, after all that running, he had finally stumbled. And it hurt all the more; time had not dulled the pain of this wound.

He brushed the back of his fist against his nostrils and mustered new resolve. His carelessness wouldn’t get the better of him again.

Leo scanned the trees around him, but could see little past the dark, tangle of gnarled branches. All seemed calm, but he knew his eyes betrayed him. The sweet notes of songbirds and the rustling of creatures were decidedly absent from the air, as if the whole forest were lying still, waiting for some evil to pass.

Leo opened his eyes wider, his silver irises gleaming in the sunlight. He focused and strained until he could hear the throbbing beat of his own heart. His vision suddenly became sharper… and more. He could see far past the tangled wall of branches as if they were but gossamer threads. And he could see all around him, even behind himself. Every animal, large and small, appeared to him as clearly as if they were standing at his feet; nothing could hide from his eyes. It was seer’s magic, which allowed him to overcome the natural limitations of his vision—an ability he found immeasurably useful.

There, to his left. Two figures stood hidden behind large oaks. That would not help them. Leo focused a bit more and saw that one was a young woman with a bow trained on him, and the other was a man wielding a spear. Leo didn’t like being stalked, let alone ambushed.

He drew his sword and threw it at the trunk of a tree between them, all in one fluid motion. This startled his stalkers, forcing the archer let loose her arrow, which flew aimlessly into the sky. Leo was inhumanly fast. Almost immediately after his blade dug itself into the tree, he had closed the distance and appeared directly between his adversaries. He swept his feet at the young woman, throwing her off balance. Leo then turned around and delivered a sharp thrust with his foot at the man, who managed to quickly block with his spear. Unfortunately for the spearman, the price of his parry was his balance, and the man fell flat on his back. Not giving either a chance to retaliate, Leo pulled his sword free from the tree and brought its edge to the man’s neck in one swift motion.

“Stop!” The man cried out, but not to Leo.

The young woman paused and reluctantly backed down, not sparing a venomous glare at Leo. If he hadn’t known better, Leo could have sworn he heard the woman hiss as well. He looked back down at the man, who had his hands up, palms open. Leo let up and eased his blade away.

“Who are you? And what are you doing here?” Leo demanded. He kept a weather eye on the woman’s hands, making sure she didn’t reach for any one of the many throwing knives that lined her various garments.

“We could ask you the same thing,” The man said as he got up, patting the dirt off his rump, “But since I’m in such a fair mood, I’ll go first. My name is Damien, and this is my younger sister, Lara.” He swept his hand to the young woman, “I guess you can call us ‘adventurers.’ We go where there’s danger. And treasure.”

Damien smiled broadly, which didn’t seem right to Leo. He couldn’t see what was so amusing about this situation. Deciding to ignore it, Leo moved on with his interrogation.

“Adventurers,” Leo paused on the word and decided he liked it, “I don’t suppose the haunted citadel beyond this forest has anything to do with why you’re here?” He asked, glancing at a nearby mountain range, where the citadel was supposed to be.

“Like I said, treasure and danger.” Damien smiled again in the same cheery manner.

“That doesn’t explain why you were stalking me.” Leo said brusquely. He found this fellow’s devil-may-care attitude awkward, considering the circumstances.

“We heard a shriek and followed it to you. When we got here, we found you burning bodies. Naturally, we thought you were a killer,” Lara said scathingly, “And I still do.” Her gaze remained as cold and venomous as before.

Leo clenched his jaw tightly. He didn’t like being implicated of murder, but considering the circumstances he understood her position. Leo sheathed his sword and took a step back, his gaze shifting between the siblings. It was hard to tell that they were even remotely related at first. The woman had short fiery red hair, typical of Gebbans, and the man had brown hair like that of an Ithian’s. But their kind eyes shared the same shimmering hazel color.
I would like to know one thing: does it hook you in?

This second excerpt is from chapter 4:

Leo saw something in the corner of his eye. A black wisp vanished stealthily behind a corner of the ancient keep. The ringing of metal announced his intent as he chased after it, the tip of his sword gleaming in the air. Leo rounded the corner and suddenly, everything changed.

The brilliant blue of midday was replaced by the thick veil of night. And the castle was not in ruins, but magnificently pristine. Leo took a wary step back and looked around the corner to find his friends. They weren’t there. He didn’t know what kind of spell he was under, but he didn’t like it.

The wisp. He had to find it. Leo grimaced and tightened his grip on his blade.

“Dammit, you fool, why do you always rush into things?” Leo was angry at himself for being so stubbornly reckless.

He slowly crept forth until he came to a grand fountain, the light from the moons dancing hypnotically in the water’s reflection.

“Begone! I will not entertain such trespass upon my estate.” A voice barked.

Leo spun around, his sword at the ready. Atop a wide stairway was a lone man draped in a velvet black and red cape. The man stood tall with dignity and eminence, his jeweled hand gripped around the pommel of his sword. He wore a stern countenance upon his sharp, angular face and his dark eyes stared ahead with a deep loathing.

“What pretentiousness for a mere mortal. What is it you think you can do against me, human?” Another voice said.

Leo turned once again to find another man standing on the other side of the fountain from him. The man wasn’t there before. Leo wondered where he came from. He examined this man, who wore ominous black armor, laced with gold trim. A burgundy cape flowed behind him like waves upon a lake in the frigid night breeze. His face was deathly pale, which only pronounced the unnatural intensity of his crimson eyes.
The other man atop the stairs slowly and confidently drew his sword, stepping down towards Leo and the intruder. Leo pulled out a dagger and pointed the ends of his weapons at either man.

“You are a bold one, I give you that. But know that the one before me was a fool filled with conceit. I will not be so easily overcome,” The other man said, thrusting his bluish hand forth.

A black blade shot out like an arrow from his burgundy cape, forming out of thin air—summoning magic. The man caught the hilt with inhuman precision and brought his weapon to bear, “Give her over to me, and I will spare your life. I am nothing if not a man of my word. This is not your quarrel.”

“If you were indeed a man and not some spawn of evil, I might have believed your word. If you will not leave, then we are done exchanging words. Our steels will finish this conversation,” The other man was unflinchingly stern.

The man with the black blade growled ferociously and bared his teeth, revealing a pair of menacing fangs. They rushed at each other with Leo right between them. Attempting to parry both, Leo swung his weapons as they closed in. But he struck nothing and stumbled to the ground.
I would just like some general thoughts and criticisms. Please be vicious! It's the only way I'll improve my writing!

Thanks a hundred =)
 
Next to the vile thing laid the corpse of an elderly man
"lay", not "laid"

sending drops of the creature’s blood in a curved line around him and then sheathed it
You don't sheath a sword without cleaning off the blood first, and giving it a shake isn't enough.

But as a stranger to Tyros, there was only so much Leo could do.
no comma, or keep it and add one after "But"

After all, it had been quite some time since he was forced to think about his circumstances.
since he had been forced

it was easy for him to ignore his nagging thoughts.
It had been easy

but could see little past the dark, tangle of gnarled branches.
no comma

He swept his feet at the young woman, throwing her off balance
If he swung both feet at her she wouldn't be the only one off balance.

“I don’t suppose the haunted citadel beyond this forest has anything to do with why you’re here?” He asked, glancing at a nearby mountain range,
no capital "H" on "he asked"

He didn’t like being implicated of murder,
Actually he was being accused of, rather than implicated in, murder

But their kind eyes shared the same shimmering hazel color.
I didn't get the impression her eyes were particularly kind

Atop a wide stairway was a lone man draped in a velvet black and red cape.
comma after "man"

The man wasn’t there before. Leo wondered where he came from.
hadn't been there, where he had come from

A burgundy cape flowed behind him like waves upon a lake in the frigid night breeze.
depending on whether it is the cloak or the lake receiving the breeze, probably a comma after"lake"

His face was deathly pale, which only pronounced the unnatural intensity of his crimson eyes
"emphasised" rather than "rendered more pronounced"

stepping down towards Leo and the intruder.
I though Leo was the intruder. The other guy seems quite at home there

Leo pulled out a dagger and pointed the ends of his weapons at either man.
each man?
 
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