Vijaya- Chapter 31 of Kroniikles

[BSCVadhan]

[FONT=&quot]Vijaya[/FONT]

[FONT=&quot]The Rap Sage found the Bull-God in the upper reaches of Mount Kailash, chomping into fresh berries and plums, his eyes rolling in pleasure. The Rap Sage broke into his latest rap song without warning.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“You don’t come, you don’t come you don’t come[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I call you, I call you, I call you, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You don’t come, you don’t come you don’t come, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]But you will come, yes you will, yes you will, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]Or I will eat, I will eat, will eat with relish, [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You will sit, you will grant what I seek, you will come[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I will see, yo, you will see, the world will see.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
Nandeswar, who had almost choked on his berry, stared at The Rap Sage with large watery eyes. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“What’d I do? Why do I deserve this?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“It’s rap O Great God. I’ll eat chocolates and fruits and sweet cream topped with chocolate sauce and sauerkrauts and chettinad chicken curry and sing rap, it will go on and on and on until Rudra appears before me, that’s my penance.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“That’s penance?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“It is, it’s the new age penance. People are sick and tired of standing on one leg for a hundred years so that Rudra may see their dedication. Do you know ant hills are invariably built around them? Do you know how hard it is with ants running up and down your ass when you’re standing on one leg with both your hands clasped above your head in prayer?, its physically impossible to insert a hand into an ant hill and scratch yourself down there. There’s no choice I tell you. These ants bite. It drives a guy nuts! Why do you think these loonies who get boons from Gods want to rule the worlds?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“But why do you want to do all of this?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“I want to go on strike, I have done enough penances; I haven’t struck work once.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“But you don’t work!” Nandeswar suggested mildly.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“A mere technicality!” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“So what kind of a strike will that be?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Food strike.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“You mean a hunger strike”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“No I am going on food strike, which means I am going to stuff myself with food and sing all my rap numbers until Rudra appears.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“But what if he doesn’t appear? You will die of diabetes, obesity, heart failure or all three,” Nandeswar lamented with genuine concern. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Imagine, he will have to come, he can’t let me die,” the Rap Sage argued.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Why not?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Because…I…he can’t,” said The Rap Sage asserted, a little flustered.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Imagine,” said Nandeswar, “what a thought, Rudra will then be accused for eternity for letting you die of gluttony.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
The Rap Sage glared at the Bull-God with thunder in his eyes. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“I am going on an errand for Rudra in three days, start your strike after I leave,” Nandeswar offered presently.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Why?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“I can’t see you fried to a crisp.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Oh shut up, there is more to it, listen” The Rap Sage continued[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“When you come I will ask, ask, ask[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I will ask why, why why it took an age[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]But in your glory I will bask bask bask[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I will dance for an age[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]You will come, you will come, you will come[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]I will ask, I will ask, I will ask.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
The Bull-God glared at The Rap Sage as though he’d just dicovered him under a rock for the first time. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Do you think Rudra is deaf?” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“No, why?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Why do you keep repeating the words?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“That’s the tune.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“But you didn’t sing, you spoke.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“You are totally artless for a Great God.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“That’s right, I am. Don’t ever sing to me again!” [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Ok here is the last stanza,” The Rap Sage made ready to blare out the last stanza.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“I am going to have to kill you. I can’t let [FONT=&quot]Rudra[/FONT][FONT=&quot] go through this.”
Nandeswar commented, as a matter of fact. The Rap Sage heaved a sigh as though the burden of artless Gods was weighing heavily on his soul.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Ok enough of this” he said irritably. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
The Bull-God agreed happily.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“What troubles you runt? Why do you want to go on strike?” Nandeswar boomed.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
The Rap Sage stared at the ground intently for a time, as though he’d just discovered he was standing there. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Because it’s not fair to pit unequals, it’s just not fair.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Who are these unequals?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Trigund and Aswathaman.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
The Bull-God threw his head back and laughed thunderously, threatening to bring the skies down on them. The Rap Sage continued, albeit a little hesitantly.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Aswathaman needs a weapon that can stand upto Trigund’s Aura or the Anomaly will vanquish the Mage.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Vijaya!”[FONT=&quot] Nandeswar declared between mouthfuls of juicy plums.[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Vijaya?[FONT=&quot] Victory? Is that a blessing? Here I am asking you for help and you go around blessing people, what’s the matter with you My Lord?”[/FONT][/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
Nandeswar had long since given up getting cross with the Rap Sage. There was no use…the man was incorrigible. The Bull-God found humour in the sage’s confusion instead and laughed again, loosening the snow atop distant mountains. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Vijaya is the name of a powerful Deva long bow. Indra of Indralok has an extensive arsenal of weapons. There are two Long bows which are powerful above all else. Only the both of them can let loose the one weapon that Aswathaman needs to use without destroying the worlds. Off the two weapons, Indra gave one to Arjun, it is known as the Gaandiv. The Gaandiv is lost for all time because Arjun hid the long bow before his journey to the high worlds and no one can trace it. The other weapon is the Vijaya. Indra gave the celestial bow to Rukmi, the warrior prince. Get Vijaya, for it is as powerful as the Gaandiv.”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Rukmi was a mortal, he is not around, just in case you forgot,” The Rap Sage said patiently. [/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
Nandeswar chuckled gruffly. He pushed a large juicy maroon plum into his mouth and in a moment spat out its seed. He chomped on the meat of the fruit diligently, relishing it till the last drop of nectar was soaked up. Then he spoke.[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“The trick with all these gifts is that they are given to Mortals. Mortals pass into the doorway known as death and then the gifts revert to the Gods. So they don’t really gift them, its more like lending the weapon. Now that Rukmi is long gone, why don’t you ask Indra for the weapon again?”[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
“Hmm…! Thank you Lord Nandeswar” the Rap Sage said pompously[/FONT]
[FONT=&quot]
The friends rose, the mighty Bull-God and the short sage, from underneath the beech tree where they were sitting and they went their ways. [/FONT]

 

[Pyar]

This is extremely humorous and very interesting! Especially this part:

“It’s rap O Great God. I’ll eat chocolates and fruits and sweet cream topped with chocolate sauce and sauerkrauts and chettinad chicken curry and sing rap, it will go on and on and on until Rudra appears before me, that’s my penance.”

This is probably because we are reading in the middle of the book. But personally as a Hindu I think its very interesting that you are tackling Hindu mythology (thats what you are doing right?). Is there anything you wanted comments on specifically?

 

[BSCVadhan]

I wanted to know how it read! grammar et all and presentation. the chapter before this is a very serious one. I just wanted to lighten up the mood and also take a step forward into the story. You are right, some of my characters are based on Hindu Mythology, e.g. Aswathaman and Nandeswar. There are others as well. There are so many stories in hindu mythology that we can use to build modern fantasy fiction. I came across an obscure poem in the rig veda (translated into English) and a hint about a primordial evil in the writings of an obscure sect. I built this book around these two topics.

 

[zachariah]

It's weaker than previous chapters IMO. I don't think the 'rap' sections are as strong as they could be. I was hoping for some old-skool Run-DMC-style lyrics from the sage...

Irritably, happily, patiently, pompously...All these dialogue tags should, by current convention, be shown through actions or obvious through speech. Three of these are from the Sage. Nandeswar, by contrast, comes across as a much more solid presence. But then, he is a god.

It feels too long for the rather thin content. All we're here for is to justify the plot point of looking for a super-weapon. The rest is information that helps fill out the Sage's character that could easily be worked in to other scenes.

 

[BSCVadhan]

hm...good point. I agree totally about the irritably, happily et all. I will rework them. I did cut a lot from this chapter. The reasons I retained this chapter after a rather cruel edit is because the previous chapter is soaked in pathos and I thought some light heartedness would help the reader to smile a little.

Thanks Zachariah!

Bscv

 

[chrispenycate]

It’s rap O Great God

comma after "rap"

“Ok here is the last stanza,”

comma after "OK", and full stop rather than comma at the end.

“Ok enough of this” he said irritably

commas after "OK", and "this"

“What troubles you runt?

comma after "you"

Nandeswar declared between mouthfuls of juicy plums.

comma after "declared"

Here I am asking you for help and you go around blessing people, what’s the matter with you My Lord?

semicolon instead of comma and comma before "my Lord"

“Vijaya is the name of a powerful Deva long bow. Indra of Indralok has an extensive arsenal of weapons. There are two Long bows which are powerful above all else.

probably "longbows". And the middle sentence is a non-sequetur;

Only the both of them can let loose the one weapon that Aswathaman needs to use without destroying the worlds.

If it requires both, they're done for, since one is lost. "Only one of them…"

“Rukmi was a mortal, he is not around, just in case you forgot,”

semicolon instead of the comma after "mortal"

He pushed a large juicy maroon plum into his mouth and in a moment spat out its seed.

one says "stone" not "seed" for a plum (or apricot, or cherry), like "pip" for an apple or orange. I have no idea why.


I agree that the rap is not all we might have hoped for. Unfortunately it's not my preferred verse form, and I can do little to help.

 

[BSCVadhan]

It's not really rap at all. That's the whole point with the Rap Sage. His lyrics, style and everything else is wrong and he doesnt know it. He just thinks he is rapping. I need to get that across.