The Draun Chronicles: The Five Hunters - Intro (Very breif... 99 words...)

[Apocalypse]

So, as you may have gained from the title, this a a brief intro... a very, very brief intro... it's so brief... oh, anyway. This basically just provides a little background on an important event that happened in history, so bear that in mind while reading.

The Cataclysm came, and was a time of great upheaval for the land of Langarae. The destruction brought about by Engra, the Mad King, was of an epic scale. Cities and towns were consumed by darkness, never to be seen again by any waking eye. Shadow Knights rode for the Mad King, their hunger for innocent blood never to be satisfied.

In the decades of chaos none were spared the destructive power of the Mad Kings creatures and beasts, but some kingdoms yet survived. When the Mad King died so did his forces, crumbling to dust where they stood.​

 

[Jev]

You have a fairly crisp setup here, but there are a few problems that I can spot, and hopefully I can help.

Just as a brief critique, watch your passivity. The sentences could be stronger and punchier: 'Darkness consumed cities and towns, concealing them from any waking eye. Shadow Knights rode for the Mad King, always hungering for innocent blood'-- for example. 'Yet survived' also reads to me (as an American) as slightly strained for the sake of being archaic. Plainer language often comes off as more mythical than convoluted turns of phrase.

I find the terms 'Cataclysm,' 'Shadow Knights' and 'Mad King' unfortunately a little too trite. There needs to be something more unusual about the shadow knights besides the fact that they are just... well, shadowy and doomed to a quick death. The king ought to be somehow more than just mad -- he needs to be mad in a specific way. And I'm not sure that folks who would use the words 'Shadow Knights' and 'Mad King' would also use the term 'Cataclysm,' which seems higher-level than the other two.

I think you could reword this to make it more unique without losing any of the setup for your story. Try and find something that you can hang your hat on about the conflict, so to speak -- some detail that will stick with your characters and therefore will stick with your readers.

I hope this helps!