The Fool's Necklace

[blairWitcher]

To all Sff -chroniclers:
May you mutilate and murder me with your critiques for all the typographical and grammar errors I have committed. I only plead that you do so in a humane and inspirational way.

THE FOOL'S NECKLACE

BY B.W.

​

The first part of The Artifacts of Kaseda.

------------------------------------------------------------
"A horn, an orb and a hammer
a necklace, a sword and a shield
-six artifacts bearing wild magic
only few could tame and wield
Bound within are the energies
laying across six distant realms
-Kerrildan, Ahkinvhar, Seitheris
Edingthorn, Dath and Auldhelm
All six things brought together, One gains power of immense odds:
It turns a fool into a ruler
and makes madmen into gods"
​

- a sonnet from the pages of the Magilohrium Vethra

------------------------------------------------------
​

CHAPTER ONE: KERR'NADHIL

Lit from seaward by the ghostly light of a rising full moon, Kerr'nadhil, Kerrildan's capital city, appeared from the dark horizon as a wonderful mirage of twinkling amber lights amidst the swells and folds of land which rose steeply from the surrounding waters. Near it's shore, a large raging fire is burning on top of a towering structure, illuminating the nearby portions of the city's coast as well as several dozen water vessels, anchored and bobbing slowly from the calm waves, on a nearby harbour. Viewed from a docking ship, or one embarking on some unknown journey, this pillar stretches to a height of five hundred feet into the night air, a measurement same as the length of a Kerrildanian longship used by rich merchants for long trading voyages, like a mighty god - impregnable, enormous and dwarfing the terrain and everything else around it with its gigantic size and fiery red hair.

For newcomers,particularly those outside of Kerrildan's domain, it seemed that this marvel of architecture is no mere natural feature of the landscape. However, as one moves closer for a better look, this first impression is completely erased by an astounding sight: tall and massive, this "rock" of solid, hard granite was artifically hollowed and sculpted cleverly by human hands into a colossal light tower - a combined result of natural wonder and skillful human intervention. From the inside of the rock, a myriad of lights are revealed, arranged in orderly clusters every quarter flight from the rocky ground. Small figures moved past the lights at various juntures, making them jump and skitter playfully frrom a distance. Expertly carved from the outer walls of the rock, a web of stairways and bridges run from the base to the summit, winding around and about the tower.

This extraordinary feat was carried out and made in the reign of Morrilius Calebh, the noted king and fifth ruler of Kerrildan, who personally supervised the conversion of this colossal boulder into a light beacon during the sixth moon on the year of the Great Bear. Serving both as a sentinel lookout to the sea and a monument of Kerrildan's growth and prosperity, the citizens of the capital named it Calebh's Rock in honor of their great king. His great, great grandson, Merrimer Calebh, Kerrildan's ninth and current ruler, has a lot to live up to from his ancestor, although both have the same brilliance of mind as well as taste for good aged wine and lusty women.

From the light tower, a watchman suddenly blew a loud, high pitched horn that sounded like the cry of the Giant Orcas of the northern oceans. After a moment, it was answered back by a loud pitched soun, blown with unique pauses at certain intervals, from a herald horn aboard a small approaching ship - the week's docking password. The Kerrildanians devised this method of confirming and distinguishing the local ships from the foreign ones that enter its coasts and territorial waters: precautionary method against piracy, espionage and possible threats to the realm's security. Each week, the chief coastal herald sends out unreadable messages to all the local ship heralds who are the only ones who could decipher them. If an entering ship fails to comply with the proper response to a watchman's signal, the light tower fires two glowing flares in the air and that ship is boarded by the capital's coastal navy, it's crew arrested and cargo confiscated for inspection.

As the ship was given the leave to enter the harbour (two, high pitched blows from the watchman's horn) nobody from the light tower saw a peculiar vision happening on the shore below. On the apex of a man - sized boulder, a detached figure stood out, balanced precariously on the rock's seaward outline. Suddenly, gusts of cold wind blew and slowly cleared the hovering clouds on the skies above, sending a ray of moonlight to bathe the figure with it's white light. it was revealed to be that of a man looking out to the emptiness of the sea, its shiny, auburn hair haloed by the moon's radiance.

His name is Fenderwin Farsfield...

(to be continued. read and enjoy!)
​

​

 

[ctg]

*sharpens his knife

How would you want it to be cut in pieces? There are many things from info-dumping to the purple prose, but knowing my harsh tongue, would you want me to leave pointing them out to other members of the forum?

 

[adyc]

Go for it ctg, it needs the surgeons knife me thinks.

 

[Interference]

Cruel! You two, put your knives away this instant. It's a lovely piece of descriptive writing that goes ever-so-slightly OTT occasionally.

If I get a chance, I'll be back later for a proper read ...

 

[zachariah]

Nothing happens. And continues to do so. It's purple, it's telling, it's got to go, sorry.

And a great horn blast that everyone can hear, as a password? Come on. A large coastal city in the pre-industrial era lives and dies by sea trade. It would not subject incoming vessels to summary confiscation of all their goods. And what about their own naval vessels who are more than a week's sail away?

 

[blairWitcher]

ok the password thing's incorrect, I admit. how could it ever be a pass"WORD" if there are no "WORDS" on it? rephrasing it to "this week's comply signal"

as for the "territorial policy thing", it will be explained further. All sea vessels and transports in this story employ ship heralds that announce a ship's status (entry/departure from a port, distress and conflict signals in emergency and war situations etc.). If a trading vessel from the outside enters a port from another domain, It fires a green flare, signaling to the coastal watch and authority of that domain that they have come in "friendly terms", thus "complying to the proper response of a watchman's signal." This is an SOP for all trading vessels, official and private ships on the realms of Kerrildan, Akhinvhar, Seitheris and Edingthorn.There ship, crew and cargo will not be seized but still they shall be escorted by a coastal defense ship to the city's harbor. Also, it will play a part in the story's plot since the Kerrildan has waged a trade sanction against another domain...

As for those local ships who are more than a weeks sail away, it fires a green flare and blows a special horn given to its ship herald upon registering to the City's sea trading authority for permission to undertake a voyage exceeding six days. The ship will still be escorted by the local goast guard to the city's harbor. This procedure is a standard to the four realms mentioned on the paragraph above.

 

[blairWitcher]

(continuation...)

Sitting on his favorite spot, Fenderwin's gaze thrust out towards the sea, his feet dangling over three feet of cool space to the water breaking over the rocks. today had been a complete failure, another worst moment of his miserable life. He had risen at dawn filled with energy and enthusiasm from a dream he could no longer remember and had fled to his makeshift laboratory on the basement of his home before any of his neighbors were awake. During the past few months, he had studied and worked tirelessly to make his dream invention come to life - a device that could be attached to anything, particularly to a ship, and giving it the amazing ability to sail not only the seas and oceans but the skies as well - an idea that most inventors and engineers of the time denounced as an impossibility and had rejected as to amount no more than a figment of childish imagination. He had sworn to prove them wrong; promised to make those hypocritic scoundrels chew their own words and usher a new revolution in the field of transportation. But, so far, all of his experiments and test trials had been a total disaster. Worst yet, are the mocking taunts and cruel sarcasms thrown upon him by his fellow colleagues and nosy, no - brained neighbors everytime he passed on them on the streets and hallways:

"- Hey look! there's Fenderwin! the crazy, feather-brained guy!"
"- He believes he could make anything float in the air, that silly fool!"
"- Hey! Fenderwin! Have you made that kettle of yours hover around the stove yet?!"
"- What's he gonna do? Plaster a set of fluttery wings on it's spout?"
"- If ever you manage to finish that thing you call an invention, oh dear Fend, would you kind enough to attach it to my brandy bottle? That way, when my wife throws it out of our doorstep, It could fly through the open window and straight into my loving arms"
​

Damn, Fenderwin thought angrily as he grabbed the nearest stone he could find and threw it forcefully towards the darkness before him. It landed with a splash as it hits the surface of the water and went down straight to the depths of the sea. Why could people be so judging of things they have considered impossible? He asked himself as he stares once again towards the sea, his mind tortured and drowning with thoughts of his failure.

(to be continued...)
​

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

Overall, your use of language is very good, but in the excerpt at the top, you're mixing up past and present tenses too much. It's all right to do it occasionally for effect, but here, at least to me, it's just messy and distracting.

And in the smaller bit just above, you do it right in the middle of a sentence:

It landed with a splash as it hits the surface of the water and went down straight to the depths of the sea.

Ordinarily, I would take that for a typo (which it might very well be), but with all the switching back and forth I have to wonder if it's intentional.

I find the part about him "thrusting" his gaze out to sea a bit awkward. It's a strange word choice, and particularly when he seems to be sitting there thinking things over.

Please, for the future, could you use a larger font? On my screen, yours is pretty small, and some potential critiquers might be discouraged on that account.

 

[zachariah]

I appreciate all the thought that's gone in to what appears to be a very minor part of the story (but is taking up valuable space in the vital few paragraphs that will grab a reader). Your world-building has clearly got a lot of work behind the scenes, which always helps even when not shown. I still don't think it works as a practical solution (it would do nothing against spies or an enemy fleet, and pirates would not come into the main city port anyway) but if you want to pop it in somewhere then feel free. It's your story.

Now speaking of story, I'm not seeing any so far. At a guess I'd say we've gone 500 words and we've barely been introduced to one character. And what we do know about him is doled out labouriously by the narrator rather than shown through his actions. There is a very good reason that current advice is always 'show don't tell' - telling is boring and unconvincing, showing is exciting and moves the story forward. You could write another thousand words telling us about his crackpot ideas and how bitter he is about it, exhausting all the adjectives you can find. Or you could show him in his lab, trying to ignore the abusive shouts from outside while another experiment blows up in his face. I know which one this random internet yahoo would read.

From a mechanical point of view, there are lots of small errors you really should have made good before posting. Your command of English is obviously good enough to avoid rudimentary mistakes like missing capitals at the beginning of a sentence, so I'll ignore those as laziness. The following sample illustrates deeper problems that occur throughout the rest of the work:

He had sworn to prove them wrong; promised to make those hypocritic
No such word - should be either 'hypocrites' (removing the need for 'scoundrels) or 'hypocritical scoundrels'. This is moot however, as you have given us nothing to suggest these people are hypocrites anyway so the choice of word is wrong
scoundrels chew
Chew is wrong here, the phrase is 'eat their words'
their own words and usher a new revolution in the field of transportation.
Sentence over-runs, making it read as if he is going to make them usher IN a new revolution
But, so far,
Unnecessary comma after 'But'
all of his experiments and test trials had been a total disaster. Worst yet,
Should be 'Even worse', eliminating the need for...
are
Which is the wrong tense anyway
the mocking taunts and cruel sarcasms
Wrong word choice, 'sarcastic words' might work but would not save this from being a clunky sentence
thrown upon him by his fellow colleagues and nosy, no - brained neighbors everyspacetime he passed on them on the streets and hallways:
Another over-long sentence

And from there you give us five insipid insults (all unnecessarily in flashback), four of which are redundant.

You must murder your darlings. Trim down. Get to the action. There is a good story here, trying to get out.

 

[chrispenycate]

"A horn, an orb and a hammer
a necklace, a sword and a shield
-six artifacts bearing wild magic
only few could tame and wield
Bound within are the energies
laying across six distant realms
-Kerrildan, Ahkinvhar, Seitheris
Edingthorn, Dath and Auldhelm
All six things brought together, One gains power of immense odds:
It turns a fool into a ruler
and makes madmen into gods"
- a sonnet from the pages of the Magilohrium Vethra


------------------------------------------------------

If you're going to start with a verse. and get the first three lines to scan (which they do; near perfect dactylic trimeter, but you don't need to know that, just that they feel right) you have to get the entire verse to scan. If nothing works, it's just like a poor translation, but if a bit's right, you need to finish it. And be careful when using technical terms, like "sonnet" (you didn't think of poetic terms being precise meaning, did you?). A sonnet has fourteen lines.

CHAPTER ONE: KERR'NADHIL

Lit from seaward by the ghostly light of a rising full moon, Kerr'nadhil, Kerrildan's capital city, appeared from the dark horizon as a wonderful mirage of twinkling amber lights amidst the swells and folds of land which rose steeply from the surrounding waters. Near it's

its (it's is only the contraction of "it is", not the possessive of "it"

shore, a large raging fire is burning on top of a towering structure, illuminating the nearby portions of the city's coast as well as several dozen water vessels, anchored and bobbing slowly from the calm waves, on a nearby harbour. Viewed from a docking ship, or one embarking on some unknown journey, this pillar stretches to a height of five hundred feet into the night air, a measurement

"the same" but this bit gets a bit difficult to follow

same as the length of a Kerrildanian longship used by rich merchants for long trading voyages, like a mighty god - impregnable, enormous and dwarfing the terrain and everything else around it with its gigantic size and fiery red hair.

For newcomers, particularly those

from?

outside of Kerrildan's domain, it seemed that this marvel of architecture is

present tense?

no mere natural feature of the landscape. However, as one moves closer for a better look, this first impression is completely erased by an astounding sight: tall and massive, this "rock" of solid, hard granite

back to past tense

was artifically hollowed and sculpted cleverly by human hands into a colossal light tower - a combined result of natural wonder and skillful human intervention. From the inside of the rock, a myriad of lights are

present

revealed, arranged in orderly clusters every quarter flight from the rocky ground. Small figures moved

past tense

past the lights at various juntures, making them jump and skitter playfully frrom a distance. Expertly carved from the outer walls of the rock, a web of stairways and bridges run

present

from the base to the summit, winding around and about the tower.

This extraordinary feat was carried out and made in the reign of Morrilius Calebh, the noted king and fifth ruler of Kerrildan, who personally supervised the conversion of this colossal boulder into a light beacon during the sixth moon on the year of the Great Bear. Serving both as a sentinel lookout to the sea and a monument of Kerrildan's growth and prosperity, the citizens of the capital named it Calebh's Rock in honor of their great king. His great, great grandson, Merrimer Calebh, Kerrildan's ninth and current ruler, has a lot to live up to from his ancestor, although both have the same brilliance of mind as well as

a

taste for good aged wine and lusty women.

From the light tower, a watchman suddenly blew a loud, high pitched horn that sounded like the cry of the Giant Orcas of the northern oceans. After a moment, it was answered back

don't need the "back" with "answered"

by a loud pitched soun,

sound? And a pitch can't be "loud"

blown with unique pauses at certain intervals, from a herald horn aboard a small approaching ship - the week's docking password. The Kerrildanians devised this method of confirming and distinguishing the local ships from the foreign ones that enter its coasts and territorial waters: precautionary method against piracy, espionage and possible threats to the realm's security. Each week, the chief coastal herald sends

present

out unreadable messages to all the local ship heralds who are the only ones who could

past

decipher them. If an entering ship fails

present

to comply with the proper response to a watchman's signal, the light tower fires two glowing flares in the air and that ship is boarded by the capital's coastal navy, it's crew arrested and cargo confiscated for inspection.

As the ship was

past

given the

no "the"

leave to enter the harbour (two, high pitched blows

perhaps "blasts" rather than "blows"?

from the watchman's horn) nobody from the light tower saw a peculiar vision happening on the shore below. On the apex of a man - sized boulder, a detached figure stood out, balanced precariously on the rock's seaward outline. Suddenly, gusts of cold wind blew and slowly cleared the hovering clouds on

in?

the skies above, sending a ray of moonlight to bathe the figure with it's

its

white light.

capital "I"

it was revealed to be that of a man looking out to the emptiness of the sea, its

his?

shiny, auburn hair haloed by the moon's radiance.

His name is Fenderwin Farsfield...

Sitting on his favorite spot, Fenderwin's gaze thrust out towards the sea,

it isn't his gaze that is sitting

his feet dangling over three feet of cool space to the water breaking over the rocks.

capital "T"

today had been a complete failure, another worst moment of his miserable life. He had risen at dawn

comma

filled with energy and enthusiasm from a dream he could no longer remember

comma

and had fled to his makeshift laboratory on the basement of his home before any of his neighbors were awake. During the past

previous

few months, he had studied and worked tirelessly to make his dream invention come to life - a device that could be attached to anything, particularly to a ship, and

no "and"?

giving it the amazing ability to sail not only the seas and oceans but the skies as well - an idea that most inventors and engineers of the time denounced as an impossibility and had rejected as to amount

as amounting to no more

no more than a figment of childish imagination. He had sworn to prove them wrong; promised to make those hypocritic scoundrels chew their own words and usher a new revolution in the field of transportation. But, so far, all of his experiments and test trials had been a total disaster.

all of = had been total disasters

Worst

worse yet no comma are(changed back to present tense

yet, are the mocking taunts and cruel sarcasms thrown upon him by his fellow colleagues and nosy, no - brained neighbors everytime he passed on them on the streets and hallways:

"- Hey look! there's Fenderwin! the crazy, feather-brained guy!"
"- He believes he could make anything float in the air, that silly fool!"
"- Hey! Fenderwin! Have you made that kettle of yours hover around the stove yet?!"
"- What's he gonna do? Plaster a set of fluttery wings on it's spout?"
"- If ever you manage to finish that thing you call an invention, oh dear Fend, would you kind enough to attach it to my brandy bottle? That way, when my wife throws it out of our doorstep, It could fly through the open window and straight into my loving arms"

Damn, Fenderwin thought angrily

Past tense, comma

as he grabbed the nearest stone he could find and threw it forcefully towards the darkness before him. It landed with a splash as it hits

present

the surface of the water and went

past

down straight to the depths of the sea. Why could people be so judging

judgemental?

of things they have considered impossible? He asked himself as he stares once again towards the sea, his mind tortured and drowning with thoughts of his failure.

 

[blairWitcher]

once again I was butchered by you guys. thanks for the corrections.

 

[adyc]

Keep the faith, Blairwitcher. All these guys have your best interests at heart (some might take a small amount of pleasure) and I for one look forward to their surgery. After all surgeons save lives, don't they??

Adyc