Hi all,
Apologies for posting a critique request as my first ever post here but the only reviews i'm getting is from my wife and she's not the hugest sci-fi fan! This is a story I've been looking to write for a while, I've written 10k words so far and it's looking like it might be something I get to novel length in the end. Any critique is gratefully accepted
Introduction
As rumors go, it wasn’t a bad one. People were missing, taken from the town by monsters. It spread through the township of Sheaf Field like ivy, climbing and winding, touching everything it found with a little fear and doubt. It was started by the wife of one of the Marshalls. Her husband Jared had been out searching in the pastures out past the deep nothing and had seen something that meant he had drunk a whole bottle of Jastor’s best potato brew. He slurred on and on about some sort of beast that walked on cloven hooves and carried a weapon that fired long, cruel arrows. It had apparently nearly killed his partner trying to drag him away to who knows where and had just vanished into nothing. He collapsed into a drunk, crying heap soon after that. She couldn’t sleep that night for thinking her husband was crazy and was so tired the next day that she accidentally let the story slip to the locksmith. He has always had a loose tongue so the rumor didn’t take long to find strong roots after that. By the time it was proved true, there were fifteen people missing.
‘How could you keep this from us?’ shouted the man from the front of the room.
The town meeting had been called when a group had tried to break into the Marshalls office to find out the truth and things had gotten out of hand.
‘Simply put Roger, we did not want to spread fear across the town. It seems our fears were well founded’, the town’s magister said reasonably.
‘How are we supposed to gather the harvest for the cold times?’, said Eoin, one of the farmers. ‘I’ve heard that most people were taken from out in the wastelands, the only good land for miles is out near there so how can we risk more people?’ At this everyone stood up and started shouting out opinions and complaints.
The magister stood up with his palms held out to quiet the meeting down.
‘We are putting plans in place to ensure each harvest patrol is accompanied by at least two Marshalls. It is our main concern to ensure that the township has enough food to last the winter so please try not to worry.’
‘How long has it been since someone went missing?’ one woman asked from the back of the room.
The Chief Marshall, an old weathered man called Josiah Grey who had very tired looking eyes and a pink ruddy complexion stood.
‘Jason Kingsley, the young boy who lived with his mother at the edge of town went missing seven days ago. He was playing with some other boys on the edge of the deep nothing… apologies… the wasteland and he went missing. No one saw anything apart from a couple of his friends and they haven’t given us anything useful’. He sat down heavily, looking down at the ground. Everyone gasped, his mother was well liked and no one had seen her in a while.
‘When are we going to get our damn people back!?’ shouted a man from the back of the room.
Everyone turned around. A wiry man with black and grey hair sat at the back of the room wringing his hands.
‘Sam, we’ve talked about this. There’s no evidence that any of the people out there are still alive. If we find any then we will send the Marshalls out straight away. Until then I’m not going to risk any more of our people and that’s the end of it.’ The man got up and looked around the room with a furious expression on his face.
‘I tell you now, any real human being would just get out there and comb every inch of wasteland they could find, whether or not it’s dangerous! I’m going first light, anyone who wants in can come see me at the tavern.’ he shoved his chair back and stormed out of the room.
The magister turned aside and whispered something to Josiah.
One man put his hand up. ‘Yes John?’
‘Magister, there are roughly 1100 people living here. Are there any plans to make sure no one else goes missing?’
‘Yes, we are putting in place a census check and some other security measures to protect us all from what has happened.’ The magister sat down and folded his hands on his lap before addressing the meeting again.
‘Please everyone; trust me when I say we meant no harm in not allowing this to get out. Now trust usto protect you as we always have done. Go home and you will see that no more people go missing and we can put this all behind us.’
A few people looked satisfied at what the magister had said and stood up to head for the door of the grouping hall. The meeting broke up after that as people began heading home. It was dark and raining outside, the track outside the hall was beginning to turn into a river of mud and the first people to leave hunkered down against the rain before heading into the darkness. Some folk from around town liked to stick around after the meetings to gossip with their friends and rub shoulders with the town leaders so they mingled in the centre of the large hall talking animatedly.
Suddenly, bell started ringing from the direction of the town gate. Josiah Gray ran out of the hall, followed by a stream of other people. When they reached the gate, Claire Atikins, the young Marshall who was left on guard duty was stood at the top of the tower gesturing frantically over the gate.
‘What is it, Atikins!?’ the Chief Marshall shouted, wiping rain water out of his eyes as he struggled to see the Marshall at the top of the tower.
‘There’s someone out there Josiah!’
Josiah raced to the ladder and climbed quickly up. The people on the floor heard the two Marshalls having a heated conversation and saw them pointing out over the gate.
‘Just open it!’, the Chief shouted and slid down the ladder, thudding into the mud at the bottom with a grunt. Everyone heard the steam engine let out a hiss of hot air and Josiah threw back a large metal switch next to the tower. The large metal gate that covered the entrance to the town gave a squeal of protest and started to slowly rise. It was very heavy because it was made from the thickest metals that could be scavenged from the wastelands. Everyone looked out up the track that led down to the township and saw a tall, thin figure staggering down towards the gate.
As the figure reached the pools of light cast by the guard tower, they could see that it was Jason Kingsley, the boy that had been taken seven days ago. He staggered towards the group behind the gate who moved back from him as he approached. Now they could take in all the details of the teenager. He was tall, thin and roughly 5 foot 7 tall. His black hair was lank and plastered to his head and the side of his face by the rain. He was also covered head to toe in rough splashes and gouts of blood with rips and tears all over his clothes. In one hand he held a long, cruel looking sword with blood stains all along the blade. In the other hand he held the head of a brutal looking man. It was swaying back and forth from long brown hair that was tangled in the boy's bruised and bloody fingers. As the group looked at the head they realized it was just wrong. The face was a little too long, the mouth was too wide and too feral. As Jason came to a halt he dropped it on the floor and everyone saw as the head rolled to a stop that it had two horns sprouting from just above the forehead.
Josiah looked at Anne and said, ‘Get down to Thorpe Hall Road and fetch his mother, she lives behind the Medicae’s lodgings. Anne ran off with a swish of her leather cloak and Josiah stepped forward to grab Jason by the shoulders.
‘Jason! What happened to you, where have you been? What the hell is that thing on the floor?’ The young boy looked back at him vaguely and slurred, ‘I, I don’t know… I don’t remember.’ He shook his head, as though a fly was bothering him, then his eyes rolled back and he collapsed.
Apologies for posting a critique request as my first ever post here but the only reviews i'm getting is from my wife and she's not the hugest sci-fi fan! This is a story I've been looking to write for a while, I've written 10k words so far and it's looking like it might be something I get to novel length in the end. Any critique is gratefully accepted
Introduction
As rumors go, it wasn’t a bad one. People were missing, taken from the town by monsters. It spread through the township of Sheaf Field like ivy, climbing and winding, touching everything it found with a little fear and doubt. It was started by the wife of one of the Marshalls. Her husband Jared had been out searching in the pastures out past the deep nothing and had seen something that meant he had drunk a whole bottle of Jastor’s best potato brew. He slurred on and on about some sort of beast that walked on cloven hooves and carried a weapon that fired long, cruel arrows. It had apparently nearly killed his partner trying to drag him away to who knows where and had just vanished into nothing. He collapsed into a drunk, crying heap soon after that. She couldn’t sleep that night for thinking her husband was crazy and was so tired the next day that she accidentally let the story slip to the locksmith. He has always had a loose tongue so the rumor didn’t take long to find strong roots after that. By the time it was proved true, there were fifteen people missing.
‘How could you keep this from us?’ shouted the man from the front of the room.
The town meeting had been called when a group had tried to break into the Marshalls office to find out the truth and things had gotten out of hand.
‘Simply put Roger, we did not want to spread fear across the town. It seems our fears were well founded’, the town’s magister said reasonably.
‘How are we supposed to gather the harvest for the cold times?’, said Eoin, one of the farmers. ‘I’ve heard that most people were taken from out in the wastelands, the only good land for miles is out near there so how can we risk more people?’ At this everyone stood up and started shouting out opinions and complaints.
The magister stood up with his palms held out to quiet the meeting down.
‘We are putting plans in place to ensure each harvest patrol is accompanied by at least two Marshalls. It is our main concern to ensure that the township has enough food to last the winter so please try not to worry.’
‘How long has it been since someone went missing?’ one woman asked from the back of the room.
The Chief Marshall, an old weathered man called Josiah Grey who had very tired looking eyes and a pink ruddy complexion stood.
‘Jason Kingsley, the young boy who lived with his mother at the edge of town went missing seven days ago. He was playing with some other boys on the edge of the deep nothing… apologies… the wasteland and he went missing. No one saw anything apart from a couple of his friends and they haven’t given us anything useful’. He sat down heavily, looking down at the ground. Everyone gasped, his mother was well liked and no one had seen her in a while.
‘When are we going to get our damn people back!?’ shouted a man from the back of the room.
Everyone turned around. A wiry man with black and grey hair sat at the back of the room wringing his hands.
‘Sam, we’ve talked about this. There’s no evidence that any of the people out there are still alive. If we find any then we will send the Marshalls out straight away. Until then I’m not going to risk any more of our people and that’s the end of it.’ The man got up and looked around the room with a furious expression on his face.
‘I tell you now, any real human being would just get out there and comb every inch of wasteland they could find, whether or not it’s dangerous! I’m going first light, anyone who wants in can come see me at the tavern.’ he shoved his chair back and stormed out of the room.
The magister turned aside and whispered something to Josiah.
One man put his hand up. ‘Yes John?’
‘Magister, there are roughly 1100 people living here. Are there any plans to make sure no one else goes missing?’
‘Yes, we are putting in place a census check and some other security measures to protect us all from what has happened.’ The magister sat down and folded his hands on his lap before addressing the meeting again.
‘Please everyone; trust me when I say we meant no harm in not allowing this to get out. Now trust usto protect you as we always have done. Go home and you will see that no more people go missing and we can put this all behind us.’
A few people looked satisfied at what the magister had said and stood up to head for the door of the grouping hall. The meeting broke up after that as people began heading home. It was dark and raining outside, the track outside the hall was beginning to turn into a river of mud and the first people to leave hunkered down against the rain before heading into the darkness. Some folk from around town liked to stick around after the meetings to gossip with their friends and rub shoulders with the town leaders so they mingled in the centre of the large hall talking animatedly.
Suddenly, bell started ringing from the direction of the town gate. Josiah Gray ran out of the hall, followed by a stream of other people. When they reached the gate, Claire Atikins, the young Marshall who was left on guard duty was stood at the top of the tower gesturing frantically over the gate.
‘What is it, Atikins!?’ the Chief Marshall shouted, wiping rain water out of his eyes as he struggled to see the Marshall at the top of the tower.
‘There’s someone out there Josiah!’
Josiah raced to the ladder and climbed quickly up. The people on the floor heard the two Marshalls having a heated conversation and saw them pointing out over the gate.
‘Just open it!’, the Chief shouted and slid down the ladder, thudding into the mud at the bottom with a grunt. Everyone heard the steam engine let out a hiss of hot air and Josiah threw back a large metal switch next to the tower. The large metal gate that covered the entrance to the town gave a squeal of protest and started to slowly rise. It was very heavy because it was made from the thickest metals that could be scavenged from the wastelands. Everyone looked out up the track that led down to the township and saw a tall, thin figure staggering down towards the gate.
As the figure reached the pools of light cast by the guard tower, they could see that it was Jason Kingsley, the boy that had been taken seven days ago. He staggered towards the group behind the gate who moved back from him as he approached. Now they could take in all the details of the teenager. He was tall, thin and roughly 5 foot 7 tall. His black hair was lank and plastered to his head and the side of his face by the rain. He was also covered head to toe in rough splashes and gouts of blood with rips and tears all over his clothes. In one hand he held a long, cruel looking sword with blood stains all along the blade. In the other hand he held the head of a brutal looking man. It was swaying back and forth from long brown hair that was tangled in the boy's bruised and bloody fingers. As the group looked at the head they realized it was just wrong. The face was a little too long, the mouth was too wide and too feral. As Jason came to a halt he dropped it on the floor and everyone saw as the head rolled to a stop that it had two horns sprouting from just above the forehead.
Josiah looked at Anne and said, ‘Get down to Thorpe Hall Road and fetch his mother, she lives behind the Medicae’s lodgings. Anne ran off with a swish of her leather cloak and Josiah stepped forward to grab Jason by the shoulders.
‘Jason! What happened to you, where have you been? What the hell is that thing on the floor?’ The young boy looked back at him vaguely and slurred, ‘I, I don’t know… I don’t remember.’ He shook his head, as though a fly was bothering him, then his eyes rolled back and he collapsed.
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