A night of fire and fury

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Sapheron

Making no sense.
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Hey, another introduction for people to love and hate. Project hopping once again!


***


The riots were in full swing. In the Great Agora, the chosen battlefield, the Mazans and Venesians were facing off, only a few paces between the two hordes. Floating in the air above them, Urana faced a difficult decision. The sound of the two mobs was painful, albeit incredible, but to rise higher would mean entering the smoke clouds from the massive city fire that raged only a few hundred metres away.

Not for the first time in the last few days, Urana wondered in the city of Aquis would survive the summer. Every night, like sparks in a forest, isolated arguments had escalated in full scale riots. Now, there were thousands of people out on the streets, and an entire district of the city was on fire. With the blaze threatening to engulf both the docks and the city granaries, the army was fully occupied already.

They wouldn’t have been able to stop this mess anyway. Urana had seen the naval battle against the Inscendians a few years ago, and it had been a civil and orderly ordeal compared to this single midsummer night.

Urana looked up and down the battle lines, chewing gently on her bottom lip. None of her siblings were anywhere in sight, not that they’d have had time to react. At least Maz was in Allandria, or he’d probably have been right in the midst cheering his supporters on. Venus had the good grace to remain in her palace and not get involved.

Still, with one of her other brothers making a timely and miraculous arrival, it would be up to Urana to end the madness.

Or at least, minimise the damage.

She couldn’t wait any longer she decided. Urana drifted down towards what seemed to be the hottest part of the inferno, where the ringleaders faced off behind walls of staffs and knives. Some of them were openly carrying swords now, Urana noted, and most had some form of makeshift shield to defend against the mass of projectiles that fell like rain onto and around both sides.

Picking her timing carefully, Urana dropped between volleys of bricks until her bare feet touched lightly on the cobbled ground of the Great Agora.
Mazans and Venesians alike quietened, freezing in place. They saw a young girl of sixteen wrapped in trailing blue silks with black hair that reached her waist. More importantly, she’d just floated down from the sky with all the grace of an actor in the Immortal Theatre, and without the wires to support her.

Everyone in Aquis knew a member of a royal family when they saw one.
Urana glanced both ways in silence.

“Out the way, brat!” shouted a Mazan, intoxicated on his own fury. He was a burly man in his twenties, with the look of a manual worker in his heavily developed arms and shoulders. The brick in his hand suggested he had been making good use of them.

Urana stepped towards him. Rage forgotten, the man seemed to realise he’d just called Princess Urana a brat. The brick dropped from nervous fingers as he vainly attempted to back into the crowd.

“How old am I?” asked Urana loudly.

“Forty six, your eternity,” answered the man quietly.

“Thank you… brat,” said Urana, settling her personal pet hate before moving onto the larger problem. “What are you doing here? I want the whole agora to hear the answer.”

“Ah… we’re…”

“You’re going home, I believe, to sleep,” finished Urana.

“Like Nyx we are!” shouted another voice. Urana’s head whipped round as a cacophony of shouts broke out from both sides. She noticed the arm whipping forward a moment too late to stop it, and what appeared to be a piece of wood hurtled through the air towards her head.

A wave of her hand hurled the front rank of Venesians back into their companions. The man who had thrown the wood at her was hit by his own projectile on the way down, and ended up flat on his back on the cobbles. Urana gently leapt the twelve paces between them, and landed lightly with a foot on his chest. By the time she reached the malcontent everything had returned to a much more manageable volume.

Once again, a man seemed to realise just what a mistake he’d made as he stared up into the cold grey eyes of an immortal.

“Do you know the penalty for assaulting a member of the royal family?”
Numbed from shock, fear and probably concussion, the Venesian declined to answer. A murmuring started among the two crowds, and Urana saw the Venesians in front of her scrabbling to their feet and backing away. She looked around to see a mass of legionaries striding between the two armies, spears encouraging the warring factions apart. The officer in charge ran over to her, dropping to one knee as he approached. The gold single sun on his chest identified him as the first centurion of his legion.

“Your eternity! I apologise for taking so long.”

“How many men have you got with you?”

“Half the legion, my lady.”

Urana nodded. “Good. It will be necessary tonight.” She looked down at the man who lay completely motionless beneath one of her feet. Silent tears were running from his eyes. He’d obviously realised that with legions here, he really was beyond help. Urana decided to finish his misery quickly. “This man threw a plank of wood at me.”

“I’ll deal with him, my lady.” The centurion turned back to his men. “Toxota! Arrest this man!”

A legionary hurried over, slinging his shield over one shoulder. He dropped his spear beside the man as Urana stepped back, and she watched as he hauled the man roughly to his feet. The poor fellow could barely stand now, Urana realised. Obviously when he came out rioting execution had seemed an unlikely end. He numbly let Toxota pull his hands behind his back to be tied.

“Let him go!” demanded a Venesian from the crowd. Urana looked round sharply, noting the change in atmosphere.

“Execute him!” shouted a Mazan in reply.

“Have the *******’s head!” added another.

Suddenly, the riot was back in full swing, the two sides finding a new vent to let out old anger. Further down the battle lines, where the legionaries had not yet reached, the two sides suddenly flashed together in a flurry of staffs, knives and fists. Screams of pain cut through the racket that had exceeded even that from before Urana’s intervention.

“Protect the princess!” shouted the centurion, drawing his sword as a brick bounced off his shield. “Drive them back, lads!”

Toxota shoved his prisoner to the ground, drawing his sword as his spear disappeared under advancing Venesians. He leapt back towards Urana, defending her from them with his body as much as his shield. The large man between her and the worst of it, Urana felt a little safer. Only a very little. The reality was that she was still stood between two armies. Untrained, unorganised armies, admittedly, but thousands of people out for blood were a concern none the less. With shields closed around her and the gods only knew what flying over her, Urana couldn’t even fly to safety.
From there, she descended into a hell of noise and confusion unlike anything she’d ever known. Around her, legionaries shoved back the crowds the same way they would any enemy, spearing anything that stood before them. The time to hold back had long passed, and their princess was in danger.

A legionary beside Toxota stumbled on something, pulling down his neighbour’s shield with him. An opportunist leapt into the gap, thrusting a spear towards her. Pinned in place, Urana could do nothing but watch her impending death.

A strong hand shoved her aside, and the spear plunged into Toxota’s shoulder instead as he stepped forwards. The legionary grunted, teeth gritted, and slammed his shield into the attacker’s face.

As Toxota collapsed in front of her, the end of the spear snapping off under his weight, Urana felt herself finally hit the limit. She’d attempted to stop this riot, and the masses had not obeyed. Like a rope under tension, her anger snapped.

Getting a hand free from the press, she swung it in a savage slap through the air. The spearman screamed for a moment as he was lifted from the ground. Then he hit the people behind him with the force of a thunderbolt, slamming through them to cartwheel like a rag doll over the heads of the crowd.

A small shred of room cleared and both sides projectiles exhausted, Urana pulled herself up into the air, rising from among the legionaries who had surrounded her. Above the battle, she could finally see the scale of it. There were thousands on each side, a heaving mass of people and violence that the legionaries were unlikely to be able to force apart.

Urana swept a hand across the front rank of the Venesians, then the Mazans. Hit from above by the force of a hurricane, people were slammed directly downwards into the cobbles. The ratio of shouts to screams took a dramatic turn. People were turning, and she could already see the backs of the two armies flaking away as the less committed realised a princess and half a legion was involved.

Urana sped down the line, throwing the two forces back as she went. Eventually, her message seemed to get through. Both sides seemed to break at once, and a full scale rout into the city started. Breathing deeply, Urana allowed herself to drop to the ground, landing a little heavier than she intended.

Around her, the Great Agora was littered with bodies, many of which were still. Along a central line were the casualties of gang war, while in great arc shaped piles further back the victims of Urana’s rage lay in broken heaps. Mist closed around Urana’s eyes, and she wondered if the smoke from burning city had dropped to street level.

How many people had she just killed?

“My lady?” asked the first centurion. She practically fell into his arms, and he caught her on instinct. It was only as she lay against him that he realised that he’d done and hesitated, not sure what exactly to do with a half conscious princess. Staring up at him, Urana couldn’t help but smile as the darkness closed in.





***
I hope that wasn't too long. Any comment is wlecome. Thanks in advance.
 
The riots were in full swing. In the Great Agora, the chosen battlefield, the Mazans and Venesians were facing off, only a few paces between the two hordes. Floating in the air above them, Urana faced a difficult decision. The sound of the two mobs was painful, albeit incredible, but to rise higher would mean entering the smoke clouds from the massive city fire that raged only a few hundred metres away.

Not for the first time in the last few days, Urana wondered in the city of Aquis would survive the summer. Every night, like sparks in a forest, isolated arguments had escalated in full scale riots. Now, there were thousands of people out on the streets, and an entire district of the city was on fire. With the blaze threatening to engulf both the docks and the city granaries, the army was fully occupied already.

They wouldn’t have been able to stop this mess anyway. Urana had seen the naval battle against the Inscendians a few years ago, and it had been a civil and orderly ordeal compared to this single midsummer night.

Urana looked up and down the battle lines, chewing gently on her bottom lip. None of her siblings were anywhere in sight, not that they’d have had time to react. At least Maz was in Allandria, or he’d probably have been right in the midst cheering his supporters on. Venus had the good grace to remain in her palace and not get involved.

Okay. I read this five, probably six times through to really understand what was bugging me. As I understand Urana is some sort of high mage, watching the people having a battle outside city, where they had been rioting. So the ultimate question is, why at the outside the city walls? Why not at the inside, where they can vent their frustration to the Authorities?

Why to 'gently chew her bottom lip' when she's obviously frustrated?

She couldn’t wait any longer she decided. Urana drifted down towards what seemed to be the hottest part of the inferno, where the ringleaders faced off behind walls of staffs and knives. Some of them were openly carrying swords now, Urana noted, and most had some form of makeshift shield to defend against the mass of projectiles that fell like rain onto and around both sides.

She couldn't wait any longer. Urana drifted down...

Then she noticed some of them were carrying swords and makeshift shields to probably defend them from a mass of projectiles that fell like a rain onto and around both sides.


Urana stepped towards him. Rage forgotten, the man seemed to realise he’d just called Princess Urana a brat. The brick dropped from nervous fingers as he vainly attempted to back into the crowd.

“How old am I?” asked Urana loudly.

LOL :p

“Forty six, your eternity,” answered the man quietly.

In the all history of warfare, no other raving man has been taken down so easily. Brilliantly written darling.

* claps his hairy hands together


“I’ll deal with him, my lady.” The centurion turned back to his men. “Toxota! Arrest this man!”

I would love to see a hand movent from the centurion. Do you think you could add it?


A legionary hurried over, slinging his shield over one shoulder. He dropped his spear beside the man as Urana stepped back, and she watched as he hauled the man roughly to his feet. The poor fellow could barely stand now, Urana realised. Obviously when he came out rioting execution had seemed an unlikely end. He numbly let Toxota pull his hands behind his back to be tied.

The poor fellow could barely stand. Obviously when he'd...

Suddenly, the riot was back in full swing, the two sides finding a new vent to let out old anger. Further down the battle lines, where the legionaries had not yet reached, the two sides suddenly flashed together in a flurry of staffs, knives and fists. Screams of pain cut through the racket that had exceeded even that from before Urana’s intervention.

“Protect the princess!” shouted the centurion, drawing his sword as a brick bounced off his shield. “Drive them back, lads!

Lads????

Suddenly, the riot was back in full swing. In no time, both sides had found a a new vent to let out their anger. Further down the battle lines, the rioters clashed together in a flurry of staffs, knives and fists.

"Protect the princess," the centuring barked, drawing his sword as a brick bounced off his shield. "Drive them back, NOW!"

Toxota shoved his prisoner to the ground, drawing his sword as his spear disappeared under advancing Venesians. He leapt back towards Urana, defending her from them with his body as much as his shield. The large man between her and the worst of it, Urana felt a little safer.

Does this look like a sudden head-hop? Could you rewrite it please?


From there, she descended into a hell of noise and confusion unlike anything she’d ever known. Around her, legionaries shoved back the crowds the same way they would any enemy, spearing anything that stood before them. The time to hold back had long passed, and their princess was in danger.

I think you can remove the last line.

Urana swept a hand across the front rank of the Venesians, then the Mazans. Hit from above by the force of a hurricane, people were slammed directly downwards into the cobbles. The ratio of shouts to screams took a dramatic turn. People were turning, and she could already see the backs of the two armies flaking away as the less committed realised a princess and half a legion was involved.

Fleeing, you meant to say?


I hope that wasn't too long. Any comment is wlecome. Thanks in advance.

I think you could spend a little more time rewording the battle. Try to get in more confusiong, blood, and general grit if you can. If you can't, I'll understand.
 
Now that I noticed, she's an immortal, so why the detail of her fearing for an attack? Was that deliberate writing or is she able to die on the field? If so, then nothing to fear, but if not then I have to give another look to the piece.
 
My immortals follow the Tolkien's elves' definition of immortal in that they don't get old, but can otherwise be injured or killed in the manner of a normal person. So yes, the bit about being killed was put in as a very real concern for her.
 
I'm going to give you my opinions on your story, take them as you will.
You are trying to capture the chaos of a riot and the awesome magic power of this princess. You seem to get caught up in the chaos yourself and some part leave me wondering just what has happened, or what is happening.
I think what is happening in this city almost seems like an insurgency or an insurrection. I wonder who is in charge of these rioting group, and why haven't they been targeted effectively.
Tens of thousands of people would have fled when trouble really took off. Foreign enemies would be trying to capitalize on this monarchy's instability. A royal mess. Pun intended.

"To get a man to kill, you must first rouse him to anger."-Sun Tzu
your eternity
Capitalize her title. Your Eternity.
Suddenly, the riot was back in full swing, the two sides finding a new vent to let out old anger. Further down the battle lines, where the legionaries had not yet reached, the two sides suddenly flashed together in a flurry of staffs, knives and fists. Screams of pain cut through the racket that had exceeded even that from before Urana’s intervention.
Didn't half a legion, several thousand soldiers, step between the two groups? If there were so many, then why didn't they pull the princess to the center of their ranks?
Or is it half the Legion, an ironic title for a handful of elite guards?
Or did a handful of soldiers--a group small enough to be engulfed in the melee-- separate themselves from the ranks when they approached the princess?
My point is: why didn't they pull the princess deep within their ranks for her safety? If they were unable to, what about their situation prevented them from properly protecting her.
Toxota shoved his prisoner to the ground, drawing his sword as his spear disappeared under advancing Venesians.
Instead of tossing him back into the ranks for arrest and later imprisonment or a summary execution? Heck, even tossing the man back into the swarm, knowing once the man catches his footing he is coming right back at you would be better. I wouldn't trust a bound and gagged captive at my feet, let alone an unbound one who has proven to be hostile. Now if he drove the man into the ground, or smashed his head into the ground, I could see that, using the ground as a weapon.
Around her, legionaries shoved back the crowds the same way they would any enemy, spearing anything that stood before them. The time to hold back had long passed, and their princess was in danger.

A legionary beside Toxota stumbled on something, pulling down his neighbour’s shield with him. An opportunist leapt into the gap, thrusting a spear towards her. Pinned in place, Urana could do nothing but watch her impending death.
If the crowds are being shoved back then a space would be space between the rioters and the princess. Yet she manages to be pinned against or between...what? Are the crowds being kept at bay? Are the soldiers pulling the princess along with them?

Urana felt herself finally hit the limit.
Hit her limit would work better. "Hit the limit" says there is one universal limit.

A small shred of room cleared and both sides projectiles exhausted, Urana pulled herself up into the air, rising from among the legionaries who had surrounded her.
...both sides' projectiles... The sentence should be split in two and cleaned up.

Urana swept a hand across the front rank of the Venesians, then the Mazans. Hit from above by the force of a hurricane, people were slammed directly downwards into the cobbles.
You make it sound so easy now. Why couldn't she protect herself earlier? Make it seem like some effort was involved in creating huricane winds out of nothing. You use 'the force of' quite a bit. What about "people were slammed into the cobbles"?

People were turning, and she could already see the backs of the two armies flaking away as the less committed realised a princess and half a legion was involved.
Didn't they already? Perhaps they just learned what it meant to have a princess and half a legion involved?
Both sides seemed to break at once, and a full scale rout into the city started.
You contradicted yourself when earlier you said: she could already see the backs of the two armies flaking away.
Around her, the Great Agora was littered with bodies, many of which were still.
It's the moving ones that catch your eye. The ones still groaning and crying in pain that will bother you later.
Along a central line were the casualties of gang war
So it started as a gang war? Different political groups, ethnic groups, or religious groups are not, by themselves, gangs.
first centurion
Another title? Or the first centurion that approaches her? Make it clear, please. You don't name this soldier, how does she know what his rank is? Tell us.
 
You don't have to accept this, but I did a little edit for you.

The riots were in full swing. Urana watched the Mazans and Venesians facing off at the chosen battlefield, the great Agora. She floated high above them, thinking hard if she should venture in midst them or go even higher. The sound of the two hordes clashing each other was painful, albeit incredible, but to rise higher would mean entering the smoke clouds from fires raging only a few hundred metres away.

It was not the first time in the last few days, Urana wondered if the city of Aquis would survive the summer. Every night, like sparks in a forest, isolated arguments had escalated in full scale riots. And now, there were thousands out on the streets and an entire district was on fire. With the blaze threatening to engulf both the docks and the city granaries, the army was fully occupied already.

They’re not going to be able to stop this mess, Urana thought. It’s all down to me. But what can I do?

She remembered the naval battle against the Inscendians a few years ago. It had been a civil and orderly ordeal compared to this midsummer night rage, which were quickly turning from bad to worse.

Urana looked up and down the battle lines, chewing bottom lip nervously, trying to spot what she didn’t want to see. But no matter where she looked, she couldn’t see her siblings. Maz has to be in Allandria, or he’d probably be right in the midst of this mess. And Venus, thank gods for her good grace…

If one my brothers doesn’t make a timely and miraculous arrival, I have no choice. I have to end this madness somehow.

Or at least, minimise the damage.

She drifted down towards the hottest part of the inferno, where the ringleaders rallying behind awfully lot of swearing and a wall made from staves, knives, few swords and even fever shields that were defending against the mass of projectiles that fell like rain onto and around both sides.

Picking her timing carefully, Urana dropped between volleys of bricks until her bare feet touched lightly on the cobbled ground of the Great Agora. Mazans and Venesians alike quietened, froze in their places place. They probably saw a young girl of sixteen wrapped in trailing blue silks with black hair that reached her waist coming down from the sky in the Immortal Theatre like an angel of vengeance.

She glanced both parties silently.

“Out the way, brat!” shouted a man from Mazan camp. Urana whipped her head in that direction and saw a burly man in his twenties. He looked like one of the manual labourers with his heavily developed arms and shoulders. And the bricks in his hand suggested he’d been making good use of them.

Urana stepped towards him. The man hastily looked other for help. But they like probably him now realised that the man had called her – the Princess – a brat. One of the bricks dropped from his nervous fingers as he vainly attempted to back into the crowd.

She grabbed him from the belt, turned him around and growled loud enough for everyone to hear, “How old am I?”


The looked down as if he was ashamed and then he answered, “forty six, your eternity,” so quietly that it was almost impossibly hear by anyone else then her.

“Thank you… brat,” said Urana, settling her personal pet hate before moving onto the larger problem. “What are you doing here?” She shouted and then quickly added, “I want the whole agora to hear the answer.”

“Ah… we’re…”

“You’re going home, I believe, to sleep,” finished Urana.

“Like Nyx we are!” shouted another voice. Urana’s head whipped round as a cacophony of shouts broke out from both sides. And in a blink of eye, the hell was breaking loose. She couldn’t had that. Not now. This had end here. The adrenaline rushing in her veins, she noticed arm whipping forward and what appeared to be a piece of wood hurtling through the air towards her head.


With a wave of her hand, she hurled the front rank of Venesians back into their companions and revealed the man smacked by his own projectile and ending flat on his back on the cobbles. Urana leapt the twelve paces between them, and landed lightly with a foot on his chest. By the time she reached the malcontent everything had returned to a much more manageable volume.

Once again, a man seemed to realise just what a mistake he’d made as he stared up into the cold grey eyes of an immortal.

“Do you know the penalty for assaulting a member of the royal family?” She hissed on his face.

There was no answer. She only heard murmuring among two crowds, and Urana saw the Venesians in front of her scrabbling to their feet and backing away. And then likely heavenly gift, she noticed a mass of legionaries striding between the two armies, spears encouraging the warring factions apart. The officer in charge ran over to her, dropping to one knee as he approached. The gold single sun on his chest identified him as the first centurion of his legion.

“Your eternity! I apologise for taking so long.”

“How many men have you got with you?”

“Half the legion, my lady.”

Urana nodded. “Good. It will be necessary tonight.” She looked down at the man who lay completely motionless beneath one of her feet. Silent tears were running from his eyes. He’d obviously realised that with legions here, he really was beyond help. Urana decided to finish his misery quickly. “This man threw a plank of wood at me.”

“I’ll deal with him, my lady.” The centurion turned back to his men . “Toxota! Arrest this man!”

A legionary hurried over, slinging his shield over one shoulder. He dropped his spear beside the man as Urana stepped back, and watched as he hauled the man roughly to his feet. The poor fellow could barely stand. Obviously, she thought, when he had came out rioting; an execution had been least thing in his mind.

“Let him go!” demanded a Venesian from the crowd.

Urana looked round sharply, noting the change in atmosphere.

“Execute him!” shouted a Mazan in reply.

“Have the *******’s head!” added another.

Suddenly, the riot was back in full swing, the two sides finding a new vent to let out old anger. Further down the battle lines, where the legionaries had not yet reached, the two sides suddenly clashed together in a flurry of staffs, knives and fists. Screams of pain cut through the racket that had exceeded even that from before Urana’s intervention.

“Protect the princess,” the centurion barked, drawing his sword as a brick bounced off his shield. “Drive them back, NOW!”

Toxota shoved his prisoner to the ground, drew his sword as his spear disappeared under advancing Venesians. He leapt back towards Urana, using his body as her shield. The large man between her and the worst of it, Urana felt a little safer. The reality was she was still standing between two armies. Untrained, unorganised armies, admittedly. But thousands of people out for blood were a concern none the less. With a wall of high shields closing around her, and the gods only knew what flying over her, Urana couldn’t fly to safety.


From there, she descended into a hell of noise and confusion unlike anything she’d ever known. Around her, legionaries shoved back the crowds the same way they would do to any enemy. The time to hold back had long passed.

Then suddenly, a legionary beside Toxota stumbled and pulled down his neighbour’s shield. She blinked and saw a spear thrusting towards her. Pinned in place, she couldn’t do nothing but watch her impending death.


Mother …

A strong hand shoved her aside. Urana heard a grunch, felt a warm splash on her face as she saw the spear coming out from Toxata’s back. The legionary grunted, teeth gritted, and slammed his gauntlet fist into the attacker’s face.


Then like a rag doll, he collapsed, snapping the spear under his weight.
“No,” escaped from her lips.
Like a rope under tension, her anger snapped.

Getting a hand free from the press, she swung it in a savage slap through the air. The spearman screamed for a moment as he lifted from the ground. He hit the people behind him with the force of a thunderbolt, slamming through them.

She didn’t care about the raining projectiles anymore. She leapt into air and raise as fast as she could. Above the battle, she could finally see the scale of it. There were thousands on each side, a heaving mass of people and violence that the legionaries were unlikely to be able to force apart.

Urana swept a hand across the front rank of the Venesians, then the Mazans. Hit from above by the force of a hurricane, people slammed on the cobbles. The shouts turned to screams. Those who were still standing turned their backs and fled.

Satisfied on seeing warring neighbours flaking away, she sped down the line, throwing the two forces back as she went. Eventually, her message seemed to get through. Both sides seemed to break at once, and a full scale rout into the city started.
Breathing deeply, Urana allowed herself to drop to the ground, landing a little heavier than she intended.

Around her, the Great Agora was littered with bodies, many of which were still. Along a central line were the casualties of gang war, while in great arc shaped piles further back the victims of Urana’s rage lay in broken heaps. Mist closed around Urana’s eyes, and she wondered if the smoke from burning city had dropped to street level.

How many people had she just killed?

“My lady?” asked the first centurion. She practically fell into his arms, and he caught her on instinct. It was only as she lay against him that he realised that he’d done and hesitated, not sure what exactly to do with a half conscious princess. Staring up at him, Urana couldn’t help but smile as the darkness closed in.

 
I'm flattered that you're willing to do an entire rewrite of my story for me, ctg. Thank you very much. To you too, clippedwolf. I'll take both your opinions into account when I rewrite it myself.

clippedwolf, I appreciate the quote. I assure you there are both leaders and opposing nations, but both of them are reluctant to make themselves obvious enemies of the royal family, who could be described as the nuclear weapons of this fantasy world (of which Urana is the youngest and least powerful by a matter of centuries). For now, no real opposition can be mounted against them, so leaders stay in the shadows and other nations don't interfere. Of course, the actual story would make this clear in time; the opening scene isn't an appropriate place for a detailed political and military exploration of the world in my opinion.
 
Hey, another introduction for people to love and hate. Project hopping once again!


***​



The riots were in full swing. In the Great Agora, the chosen battlefield, the Mazans and Venesians were facing off, only a few paces between the two hordes. Floating in the air above them, Urana faced a difficult decision. The sound of the two mobs was painful, albeit incredible, but to rise higher would mean entering the smoke clouds from the massive city fire that raged only a few hundred metres away.

Not for the first time in the last few days, Urana wondered in (if) the city of Aquis would survive the summer. Every night, like sparks in a forest, isolated arguments had escalated in full scale riots. Now, there were thousands of people out on the streets, and an entire district of the city was on fire. With the blaze threatening to engulf both the docks and the city granaries, the army was fully occupied already.

They wouldn’t have been able to stop this mess anyway. Urana had seen the naval battle (naval/civil rioting not really comparable) against the Inscendians a few years ago, and it had been a civil (conflicting between civil riot and civility:- try polite) and orderly ordeal compared to this single (this is the only place there is rioting so surely and as yet nothing has happened so - 'compared to what was about to happen here' - possibly) midsummer night.

Urana looked up and down the battle lines, chewing gently on her bottom lip. None of her siblings were anywhere in sight, not that they’d have had time to react. At least Maz was in Allandria, or he’d probably have been right in the midst cheering his supporters on (this makes it sound like some kind of football match what is the potential riot about are we allowed to know. I can't believe it's about which immortal they support). Venus had the good grace to remain in her palace and not get involved.

Still, with(out) one of her other brothers (sexist:) doesn't she have sisters) making a timely and miraculous arrival, it would be up to Urana to end the madness.

Or at least, minimise the damage.

She couldn’t wait any longer she decided. (she decided she couldn't wait any longer) Urana drifted down toward what seemed to be the hottest part of the inferno, (nothings happened yet they're still facing off - and this confuses with the reference to the fire earlier - drifted down to where the leaders seemed to be stirring up most aggression maybe) where the ringleaders faced off behind walls of staffs and knives (later we are told most have shields they would seem more effective than a knife to hide behind). Some of them were openly carrying swords now, Urana noted, and most had some form of makeshift shield to defend against the mass of projectiles that fell like rain onto and around both sides. (rained down from both sides)

Picking her timing carefully, Urana dropped between volleys of bricks until her bare feet touched lightly on the cobbled ground of the Great Agora.
Mazans and Venesians alike quietened, freezing in place. They saw a young girl of sixteen wrapped in trailing blue silks with black hair that reached her waist. (More likely they saw nothing at all more than 10 feet away - it's dark she's dressed in blue and if I'm throwing bricks at someone throwing them back I'm not looking to the side or up wards I'm concentrating on that brick that's coming toward me - she need to arrive more spectacularly - a bright red glow or intense white light. now that I'm going to notice and I'm going to stop what I'm doing because I know what it means) More importantly, she’d just floated down from the sky with all the grace of an actor in the Immortal Theatre, and without the wires to support her. (Too gentle a reference and the 'immortal theatre' makes it sound like these immortals' real job is entertaining the troops)

Everyone in Aquis knew a member of a royal family when they saw one.
Urana glanced both ways in silence. (only if they can see her as above)

“Out the way, brat!” shouted a Mazan, (apparently not everyone then so maybe everyone in their right mind knew a member...) intoxicated on his own fury. He was a burly man in his twenties, with the look of a manual worker in his heavily developed arms and shoulders. The brick in his hand suggested he had been making good use of them.

Urana stepped towards him. Rage forgotten, the man (the full weight of what he's just said came to him. He had...) seemed to realise he’d just called Princess Urana a brat. The brick dropped from nervous fingers as he vainly attempted to back into the crowd.

“How old am I?” asked Urana loudly.

“Forty six, your eternity,” answered the man quietly.

“Thank you… brat,” said Urana, settling her personal pet hate before moving onto the larger problem. “What are you doing here? I want the whole agora to hear the answer.” (I don't think an immortal would leave it there, she's here to enforce her will on a crowd - examples need to be made at the very least he would be on his knees begging for his life before she left him)

“Ah… we’re…”

“You’re going home, I believe, to sleep,” finished Urana.

“Like Nyx we are!” shouted another voice. Urana’s head whipped round as a cacophony of shouts broke out from both sides. She noticed the arm whipping forward a moment too late to stop it, and what appeared to be a piece of wood hurtled through the air toward her head.

A wave of her hand hurled the front rank of Venesians back into their companions. The man who had thrown the wood at her was hit by his own projectile on the way down, (how? it was thrown at her do not the laws of motion apply on this world - she waved her hand at the crowd, there was no mention of changing the path of the wood) and ended up flat on his back on the cobbles. Urana gently leapt the twelve paces between them, and landed lightly with a foot on his chest (unlikely she would place her bare foot on some filthy chest). By the time she reached the malcontent everything had returned to a much more manageable volume.

Once again, a man seemed to realise just what a mistake he’d made as he stared up into the cold grey eyes of an immortal. (in the dark? he can see the colour of her eyes - some trick - into the face of maybe)

“Do you know the penalty for assaulting a member of the royal family?”
Numbed from shock, fear and probably concussion, the Venesian declined to answer. (if you described the penalty - the death of every male member of his family say that would explain the crowds sudden changes of heart if he gets killed now then his family are safe kind of thing - just a thought) A murmuring started among the two crowds, and Urana saw the Venesians in front of her scrabbling to their feet and backing away. She looked around to see a mass of legionaries striding between the two armies, spears encouraging the warring factions apart. The officer in charge ran over to her, dropping to one knee as he approached. The gold single sun on his chest identified him as the first centurion of his legion.

“Your eternity! I apologise for taking so long.” (why when/how did he get called)

“How many men have you got with you?”

“Half the legion, my lady.”

Urana nodded. “Good. It will be necessary tonight.” She looked down at the man who lay completely motionless beneath one of her feet. Silent tears were running from his eyes. He’d obviously realised that with legions here, he really was beyond help. Urana decided to finish his misery quickly. “This man threw a plank of wood at me.” (then his misery is to continue instant death would stop it though)

“I’ll deal with him, my lady.” The centurion turned back to his men. “Toxota! Arrest this man!”

A legionary hurried over, slinging his shield over one shoulder. He dropped his spear beside the man as Urana stepped back, and she watched as he hauled the man roughly to his feet. The poor fellow could barely stand now, Urana realised. Obviously when he came out rioting execution had seemed an unlikely end. He numbly let Toxota pull his hands behind his back to be tied.

(This is where the problem of introducing an all powerful being into a riot looses credibility for me. Let's face it the legion shouldn't be here. With a wave of her hand she can wipe out every last one of the rioters as indicated at the end. So why would she let the legion get involved there's nothing here she can't deal with by setting a few examples as has already been shown)

“Let him go!” demanded a Venesian from the crowd. Urana looked round sharply, noting the change in atmosphere.

“Execute him!” shouted a Mazan in reply.

“Have the *******’s head!” added another.

Suddenly, the riot was back in full swing, the two sides finding a new vent to let out old anger. Further down the battle lines, where the legionaries had not yet reached, the two sides suddenly flashed together in a flurry of staffs, knives and fists. Screams of pain cut through the racket that had exceeded even that from before Urana’s intervention.

“Protect the princess!” shouted the centurion, drawing his sword as a brick bounced off his shield. “Drive them back, lads!”

Toxota shoved his prisoner to the ground, drawing his sword as his spear disappeared under advancing Venesians. He leapt back toward Urana, defending her from them with his body as much as his shield. The large man between her and the worst of it, Urana felt a little safer. Only a very little. The reality was that she was still stood between two armies. Untrained, unorganised armies, admittedly, but thousands of people out for blood were a concern none the less. With shields closed around her and the gods only knew what flying over her, Urana couldn’t even fly to safety.
From there, she descended into a hell of noise and confusion unlike anything she’d ever known. Around her, legionaries shoved back the crowds the same way they would any enemy, spearing anything that stood before them. The time to hold back had long passed, and their princess was in danger.

A legionary beside Toxota stumbled on something, pulling down his neighbour’s shield with him. An opportunist leapt into the gap, thrusting a spear towards her. Pinned in place, Urana could do nothing but watch her impending death.

A strong hand shoved her aside, and the spear plunged into Toxota’s shoulder instead as he stepped forwards. The legionary grunted, teeth gritted, and slammed his shield into the attacker’s face.

As Toxota collapsed in front of her, the end of the spear snapping off under his weight, Urana felt herself finally hit the limit. She’d attempted to stop this riot, and the masses had not obeyed. Like a rope under tension, her anger snapped.

Getting a hand free from the press, she swung it in a savage slap through the air. The spearman screamed for a moment as he was lifted from the ground. Then he hit the people behind him with the force of a thunderbolt, slamming through them to cartwheel like a rag doll over the heads of the crowd.

A small shred of room cleared and both sides projectiles exhausted, Urana pulled herself up into the air, rising from among the legionaries who had surrounded her. Above the battle, she could finally see the scale of it. There were thousands on each side, a heaving mass of people and violence that the legionaries were unlikely to be able to force apart.

Urana swept a hand across the front rank of the Venesians, then the Mazans. Hit from above by the force of a hurricane, people were slammed directly downwards into the cobbles. The ratio of shouts to screams took a dramatic turn. People were turning, and she could already see the backs of the two armies flaking away as the less committed realised a princess and half a legion was involved.

Urana sped down the line, throwing the two forces back as she went. Eventually, her message seemed to get through. Both sides seemed to break at once, and a full scale rout into the city started. Breathing deeply, Urana allowed herself to drop to the ground, landing a little heavier than she intended.

Around her, the Great Agora was littered with bodies, many of which were still. Along a central line were the casualties of gang war, while in great arc shaped piles further back the victims of Urana’s rage lay in broken heaps. Mist closed around Urana’s eyes, and she wondered if the smoke from burning city had dropped to street level.

How many people had she just killed?

“My lady?” asked the first centurion. She practically fell into his arms, and he caught her on instinct. It was only as she lay against him that he realised that he’d done and hesitated, not sure what exactly to do with a half conscious princess. Staring up at him, Urana couldn’t help but smile as the darkness closed in.

***
I hope that wasn't too long. Any comment is wlecome. Thanks in advance.

I stopped after the riot restarted as I stated. The riot description was very good and it did give the impression of the to's and fro's of a riot. However I would put this before the intervention that she does in support of the legion. That way she can calm it down kill a few to show she means business and have them drift away thanking the gods that she was lenient on them - The missile thrower can be dragged of and the legion can turn up to police the aftermath and take the prisoner away. she hasn't made too many enemies and hasn't revealed her full power. However feel free to ignore any and all comments

TEiN
 
TEiN, any chance you could change your editing practice to make your words normal size? It's very difficult to read on a high-res screen.
 
I have to confess I had difficulty with this. I don't know that any of it rang true. They're nearly rioting, then they stop, then they nearly start again, then they stop again, then they start again... Heaven knows I'm no expert on civil disturbance, but it didn't feel right somehow. To me, it seems it should either be harder to stop in the first place - ie it isn't just one meat head throwing puerile abuse when she floats down originally - or when she's there it's over and that's it.

I can't get a hang on her character either. She's obviously concerned at what is happening, so why hasn't she stopped it before it happens?? You don't let two out-of-control armies face up in a small space if you want to avoid bloodshed - why hasn't she floated down in front of them separately when they were still a distance apart and told the ringleaders to go home or else? And if, say, she's got here late because she's fire-fighting all over the town, she should be stopping it decisively. The penalty for assaulting her is death, presumably. So why isn't she making the most of this? Anyone raising a weapon in her presence is in danger of being accused of intended assault. Why isn't she threatening them? Why isn't she ordering them to lay their arms down on pain of death? Why isn't she making an example of two men, one from each side? If you want to show that she's not sure what she should be doing and she's frightened of unleashing the power within her, because although she is 46 she in fact acts and thinks like a 16 year old in our culture, then show this.

As for her first opponent, again this didn't seem realistic. The man is just about to start fighting and he calls her 'brat'? I'm a demure middle-aged woman who has led a very sheltered life - and I can think of a lot worse epithets than that. This is comedic - and so is her reply. And it isn't even the kind of comedy that can be used to defuse tension and prevent a riot.

In fact, now I think of it, there's a kind of comedic feel to much of it, which is I'm sure unintentional. eg 'Numbed from shock, fear and probably concussion' - the 'probably' robs this line terribly. I wonder if your ironic voice which we've seen in other works, for which it is very suited, isn't working to your disadvantage here.

I don't like battle scenes so I only skim-read the last part when it was getting gory, but don't you think it's a touch hackneyed - the pushing-the-heroine-out-of-the-way-of-certain-death-only-to-take-the-bullet-in-the-shoulder, eh? (OK not a bullet, but you know what I mean.) And the ending is positively Mills and Boon - and I don't mean that in a good way.

Overall, I just didn't feel any of the heart-stopping tension and fear which should have been aroused, sorry. I think you have got the makings of a very powerful piece, but it needs a bit of work. You're too gentlemanly perhaps, not rough or crude enough, to tell it like it is, or should be. And you haven't got inside her character enough to show what she should be thinking and doing.

Sorry this sounds so negative.

J

PS I hated the names. :p
 
TEiN, any chance you could change your editing practice to make your words normal size? It's very difficult to read on a high-res screen.


Sorry, I'll see what I can do.

Maybe if I don't press the size one font button that will make it easier :)

Originally Posted by Sapheron
Hey, another introduction for people to love and hate. Project hopping once again!


***



The riots were in full swing. In the Great Agora, the chosen battlefield, the Mazans and Venesians were facing off, only a few paces between the two hordes. Floating in the air above them, Urana faced a difficult decision. The sound of the two mobs was painful, albeit incredible, but to rise higher would mean entering the smoke clouds from the massive city fire that raged only a few hundred metres away.

Not for the first time in the last few days, Urana wondered in (if) the city of Aquis would survive the summer. Every night, like sparks in a forest, isolated arguments had escalated in full scale riots. Now, there were thousands of people out on the streets, and an entire district of the city was on fire. With the blaze threatening to engulf both the docks and the city granaries, the army was fully occupied already.

They wouldn’t have been able to stop this mess anyway. Urana had seen the naval battle (naval/civil rioting not really comparable) against the Inscendians a few years ago, and it had been a civil (conflicting between civil riot and civility:- try polite) and orderly ordeal compared to this single (this is the only place there is rioting so surely and as yet nothing has happened so - 'compared to what was about to happen here' - possibly) midsummer night.

Urana looked up and down the battle lines, chewing gently on her bottom lip. None of her siblings were anywhere in sight, not that they’d have had time to react. At least Maz was in Allandria, or he’d probably have been right in the midst cheering his supporters on (this makes it sound like some kind of football match what is the potential riot about are we allowed to know. I can't believe it's about which immortal they support). Venus had the good grace to remain in her palace and not get involved.

Still, with(out) one of her other brothers (sexist:) doesn't she have sisters) making a timely and miraculous arrival, it would be up to Urana to end the madness.

Or at least, minimise the damage.

She couldn’t wait any longer she decided. (she decided she couldn't wait any longer) Urana drifted down toward what seemed to be the hottest part of the inferno, (nothings happened yet they're still facing off - and this confuses with the reference to the fire earlier - drifted down to where the leaders seemed to be stirring up most aggression maybe) where the ringleaders faced off behind walls of staffs and knives (later we are told most have shields they would seem more effective than a knife to hide behind). Some of them were openly carrying swords now, Urana noted, and most had some form of makeshift shield to defend against the mass of projectiles that fell like rain onto and around both sides. (rained down from both sides)

Picking her timing carefully, Urana dropped between volleys of bricks until her bare feet touched lightly on the cobbled ground of the Great Agora.
Mazans and Venesians alike quietened, freezing in place. They saw a young girl of sixteen wrapped in trailing blue silks with black hair that reached her waist. (More likely they saw nothing at all more than 10 feet away - it's dark she's dressed in blue and if I'm throwing bricks at someone throwing them back I'm not looking to the side or up wards I'm concentrating on that brick that's coming toward me - she need to arrive more spectacularly - a bright red glow or intense white light. now that I'm going to notice and I'm going to stop what I'm doing because I know what it means) More importantly, she’d just floated down from the sky with all the grace of an actor in the Immortal Theatre, and without the wires to support her. (Too gentle a reference and the 'immortal theatre' makes it sound like these immortals' real job is entertaining the troops)

Everyone in Aquis knew a member of a royal family when they saw one.
Urana glanced both ways in silence. (only if they can see her as above)

“Out the way, brat!” shouted a Mazan, (apparently not everyone then so maybe everyone in their right mind knew a member...) intoxicated on his own fury. He was a burly man in his twenties, with the look of a manual worker in his heavily developed arms and shoulders. The brick in his hand suggested he had been making good use of them.

Urana stepped towards him. Rage forgotten, the man (the full weight of what he's just said came to him. He had...) seemed to realise he’d just called Princess Urana a brat. The brick dropped from nervous fingers as he vainly attempted to back into the crowd.

“How old am I?” asked Urana loudly.

“Forty six, your eternity,” answered the man quietly.

“Thank you… brat,” said Urana, settling her personal pet hate before moving onto the larger problem. “What are you doing here? I want the whole agora to hear the answer.” (I don't think an immortal would leave it there, she's here to enforce her will on a crowd - examples need to be made at the very least he would be on his knees begging for his life before she left him)

“Ah… we’re…”

“You’re going home, I believe, to sleep,” finished Urana.

“Like Nyx we are!” shouted another voice. Urana’s head whipped round as a cacophony of shouts broke out from both sides. She noticed the arm whipping forward a moment too late to stop it, and what appeared to be a piece of wood hurtled through the air toward her head.

A wave of her hand hurled the front rank of Venesians back into their companions. The man who had thrown the wood at her was hit by his own projectile on the way down, (how? it was thrown at her do not the laws of motion apply on this world - she waved her hand at the crowd, there was no mention of changing the path of the wood) and ended up flat on his back on the cobbles. Urana gently leapt the twelve paces between them, and landed lightly with a foot on his chest (unlikely she would place her bare foot on some filthy chest). By the time she reached the malcontent everything had returned to a much more manageable volume.

Once again, a man seemed to realise just what a mistake he’d made as he stared up into the cold grey eyes of an immortal. (in the dark? he can see the colour of her eyes - some trick - into the face of maybe)

“Do you know the penalty for assaulting a member of the royal family?”
Numbed from shock, fear and probably concussion, the Venesian declined to answer. (if you described the penalty - the death of every male member of his family say that would explain the crowds sudden changes of heart if he gets killed now then his family are safe kind of thing - just a thought) A murmuring started among the two crowds, and Urana saw the Venesians in front of her scrabbling to their feet and backing away. She looked around to see a mass of legionaries striding between the two armies, spears encouraging the warring factions apart. The officer in charge ran over to her, dropping to one knee as he approached. The gold single sun on his chest identified him as the first centurion of his legion.

“Your eternity! I apologise for taking so long.” (why when/how did he get called)

“How many men have you got with you?”

“Half the legion, my lady.”

Urana nodded. “Good. It will be necessary tonight.” She looked down at the man who lay completely motionless beneath one of her feet. Silent tears were running from his eyes. He’d obviously realised that with legions here, he really was beyond help. Urana decided to finish his misery quickly. “This man threw a plank of wood at me.” (then his misery is to continue instant death would stop it though)

“I’ll deal with him, my lady.” The centurion turned back to his men. “Toxota! Arrest this man!”

A legionary hurried over, slinging his shield over one shoulder. He dropped his spear beside the man as Urana stepped back, and she watched as he hauled the man roughly to his feet. The poor fellow could barely stand now, Urana realised. Obviously when he came out rioting execution had seemed an unlikely end. He numbly let Toxota pull his hands behind his back to be tied.

(This is where the problem of introducing an all powerful being into a riot looses credibility for me. Let's face it the legion shouldn't be here. With a wave of her hand she can wipe out every last one of the rioters as indicated at the end. So why would she let the legion get involved there's nothing here she can't deal with by setting a few examples as has already been shown)

“Let him go!” demanded a Venesian from the crowd. Urana looked round sharply, noting the change in atmosphere.

“Execute him!” shouted a Mazan in reply.

“Have the *******’s head!” added another.

Suddenly, the riot was back in full swing, the two sides finding a new vent to let out old anger. Further down the battle lines, where the legionaries had not yet reached, the two sides suddenly flashed together in a flurry of staffs, knives and fists. Screams of pain cut through the racket that had exceeded even that from before Urana’s intervention.

“Protect the princess!” shouted the centurion, drawing his sword as a brick bounced off his shield. “Drive them back, lads!”

Toxota shoved his prisoner to the ground, drawing his sword as his spear disappeared under advancing Venesians. He leapt back toward Urana, defending her from them with his body as much as his shield. The large man between her and the worst of it, Urana felt a little safer. Only a very little. The reality was that she was still stood between two armies. Untrained, unorganised armies, admittedly, but thousands of people out for blood were a concern none the less. With shields closed around her and the gods only knew what flying over her, Urana couldn’t even fly to safety.
From there, she descended into a hell of noise and confusion unlike anything she’d ever known. Around her, legionaries shoved back the crowds the same way they would any enemy, spearing anything that stood before them. The time to hold back had long passed, and their princess was in danger.

A legionary beside Toxota stumbled on something, pulling down his neighbour’s shield with him. An opportunist leapt into the gap, thrusting a spear towards her. Pinned in place, Urana could do nothing but watch her impending death.

A strong hand shoved her aside, and the spear plunged into Toxota’s shoulder instead as he stepped forwards. The legionary grunted, teeth gritted, and slammed his shield into the attacker’s face.

As Toxota collapsed in front of her, the end of the spear snapping off under his weight, Urana felt herself finally hit the limit. She’d attempted to stop this riot, and the masses had not obeyed. Like a rope under tension, her anger snapped.

Getting a hand free from the press, she swung it in a savage slap through the air. The spearman screamed for a moment as he was lifted from the ground. Then he hit the people behind him with the force of a thunderbolt, slamming through them to cartwheel like a rag doll over the heads of the crowd.

A small shred of room cleared and both sides projectiles exhausted, Urana pulled herself up into the air, rising from among the legionaries who had surrounded her. Above the battle, she could finally see the scale of it. There were thousands on each side, a heaving mass of people and violence that the legionaries were unlikely to be able to force apart.

Urana swept a hand across the front rank of the Venesians, then the Mazans. Hit from above by the force of a hurricane, people were slammed directly downwards into the cobbles. The ratio of shouts to screams took a dramatic turn. People were turning, and she could already see the backs of the two armies flaking away as the less committed realised a princess and half a legion was involved.

Urana sped down the line, throwing the two forces back as she went. Eventually, her message seemed to get through. Both sides seemed to break at once, and a full scale rout into the city started. Breathing deeply, Urana allowed herself to drop to the ground, landing a little heavier than she intended.

Around her, the Great Agora was littered with bodies, many of which were still. Along a central line were the casualties of gang war, while in great arc shaped piles further back the victims of Urana’s rage lay in broken heaps. Mist closed around Urana’s eyes, and she wondered if the smoke from burning city had dropped to street level.

How many people had she just killed?

“My lady?” asked the first centurion. She practically fell into his arms, and he caught her on instinct. It was only as she lay against him that he realised that he’d done and hesitated, not sure what exactly to do with a half conscious princess. Staring up at him, Urana couldn’t help but smile as the darkness closed in.

***
I hope that wasn't too long. Any comment is wlecome. Thanks in advance.

I stopped after the riot restarted as I stated. The riot description was very good and it did give the impression of the to's and fro's of a riot. However I would put this before the intervention that she does in support of the legion. That way she can calm it down kill a few to show she means business and have them drift away thanking the gods that she was lenient on them - The missile thrower can be dragged of and the legion can turn up to police the aftermath and take the prisoner away. she hasn't made too many enemies and hasn't revealed her full power. However feel free to ignore any and all comments

TEiN

How was that :)
 
I assure you there are both leaders and opposing nations, but both of them are reluctant to make themselves obvious enemies of the royal family...
War by proxy. Classic.
 
Cheers everyone. Evidently not one of my best efforts, but I'm sure I can make it better. I'll give you all another look at the end result when it's done.
 
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