Ignorance is a Two Way Street Excerpt

[cvoidlibrary]

“Ignorance is a two way street” the canine said putting his paw on my shoulder. “I don’t understand any of this” I said.

“Come with me, I will use the model on you and then you should understand.” The canine took me back to the street sign.

“Look both ways.” I did as he asked me.

“Which way are the cars coming?” I looked to the right and said “from the right.”

“Now cross.” I did after the next car passed.

“Turn around” he told me after I reached the other side.

“Look both ways” he said again. After I did this he asked me “which way are the cars coming?”

I looked to the left and turned to the right as soon as I realized my mistake. “From the right” I responded.

“A car can not just turn left or right on a two way street any more than it can on a one way street” the canine told me.

“If they just turned in whatever direction they pleased then the cars would end up crashing into each other” I said in a ‘this is ridiculous what is your point’ sort of way.

“Think about black people and white people” the canine told me. The canine stared into my eyes with intensity until comprehension drew upon my face.

“Are you taking about racism and reverse racism?” The alien continued to stare into my eyes. “When a black person recognizes the racism a white person has towards them and fails to recognize the racism they have towards white people?” The canine nodded his head and walked into oncoming traffic.

Before I could protest a car drove through him revealing that the cars were not really there. “Stand here” the alien told me. Upon my arrival he told me to “look there.” I looked at what he was pointing at and saw nothing. I looked around some more and then jumped as I saw a block hole in the sky. I could only see it if I looked at it from a specific angle. A feeling of vast emptiness and great distance emanated from within it.

“There are many of these all over this area. This is how the street got its name. Take these away and you have an oversimplification of ignorance. These holes represent specific things an individual needs to know before they can understand their own ignorance.”

“Why would it be a specific oversimplification? White people thought they were superior to black people. The truth is that black and white people are equal. When a black person blames an individual white person for slavery they are ignorant of the two way street. The same can be said when a white person blames themselves for slavery. It is ignorant to blame a white person for slavery solely based on the fact that the person is white.”

“Black people are not superior to white people, but white people are still responsible for slavery” the canine said. “That is not true” I responded. “You are right it is not true and the hole you just looked at proves it. This hole represents the fact that this individual black person needs to know that specific individuals were responsible for slavery and not an entire race. The black individual needs to know this before they can truly overcome their ignorance.”

 

[Sapheron]

Not meaning to be rude, but you'll hit a brick wall with replies if you don't change that font something sharpish. I might be sleep deprived, but I reckon it would strain the eyes of a hawk to read this.

That said, I'm in no real condition to comment, and the eye strain is the last nail in the coffin. If you sort it out I'll read it tomorrow.

 

[chrispenycate]

Ignorance is a two way street” the canine said putting his paw on my shoulder

comma after "said"

me with me, I will use the model on you and then you should understand.

semicolon instead of comma

I did after the next car passed.

comma after "did"

“A car can not just turn left or right on a two way street any more than it can on a one way street” the canine told me.

period after "street", upper-case "The"

this is ridiculous what is your point’

At least a comma after "ridiculous" (theoretically it should be a period

“Think about black people and white people” the canine told me.

period after the second "people", upper-case "The"

The canine stared into my eyes with intensity until comprehension drew upon my face.

"drew?" Also, we're getting rather too many repetitions of "the canine". Wearing.

Before I could protest a car drove through him revealing that the cars were not really there.

comma after "him"

“Stand here” the alien told me.

Period after "here", upper case "The". Are the alien and the canine one and the same? If not, what difference does it make?

then jumped as I saw a block hole in the sky.

"block hole" doesn't elicit any response in me; no picture, no concept.

“Why would it be a specific oversimplification? White people thought they were superior to black people. The truth is that black and white people are equal. When a black person blames an individual white person for slavery they are ignorant of the two way street. The same can be said when a white person blames themselves for slavery. It is ignorant to blame a white person for slavery solely based on the fact that the person is white.”

Who is saying all this? Your first person narrator, or your preachy alien? Whichever, the logic is confused. "Equal" means something specific mathematically - identical, indistinguishable. Socially it has a mass of meanings, some of them as dangerous as the "different = worse" equation they replace. And Caucasians can not be held responsible for the institution of slavery; it predates civilisation. They were the perpetrators of this particular incidence of Africa/Americas transportation.

but white people are still responsible for slavery” the canine said.

Period at the end of the quote.

hat is not true” I responded.

Period at the end of the quote.

“You are right it is not true

comma after "right"

 

[anthorn]

Also Dont have two people speaking in the same paragraph or line.

Seperate line for each speaker. Also its more telling than showing but that can be worked on.

It also for some reason came over as a bit racist. Dont know if thats just me.
You're not kenneth Eng are you?

 

[Peter Graham]

“Black people are not superior to white people, but white people are still responsible for slavery” the canine said. “That is not true” I responded. “You are right it is not true and the hole you just looked at proves it. This hole represents the fact that this individual black person needs to know that specific individuals were responsible for slavery and not an entire race. The black individual needs to know this before they can truly overcome their ignorance.”

"Aha! I said. "So you are a canine re-inventor, are you?"

"What is one of those?" asked the canine.

"Someone who, for whatever reason, feels embarassed about something in their history and does their damnedest to try and excuse it and assuage their feelings of embarrassment by blaming it on other people."

"But that cannot be right," said the canine, pausing for a second to lick his own bottom. "How can a white person today be responsible for African slavery three hundred years ago?"

"Individually, they can't be. But that does not take away collective responsibility. The wealth of our society and many indiviudals within it was based on slavery. We reap the benefits to this day. Slavery was protected by law, excused by the Church, defended in Parliament and accepted by the vast majority of people. Were thosee people any crueller than us? Probably not. Were they more objectively evil than us? Probably not. And therein lies the rub. Those same institutions which allowed slavery back then exist to this day. Do you really believe that had you lived back then, you would not have shared the views of the majority of your peers? Do you really believe that there is nothing going on in our society today which will not cause red faces for future generations? Erm...are you actually listening to this?"

"Sorry" said the canine. "I was chasing an imaginary car. Force of habit. Do go on."

"The point is that any individual who fails to learn the lessons of history repeats the mistakes of history. OK, you might think that a 21st century white political leader who has never enslaved anyone apologising to a 21st century black political leader who has never been enslaved is tokenistic and pointless. But it isn't. Because those institutions - which, incidentally, we now laud as bastions of our freedom - last longer than the individuals who make them up. And because it shows that those who have inherited those institutions are doing what they can to ensure that that particular mistake is never made again. What better way of building trust and respect between communities and moving on in a spirit of genuine amity?"

"So why is there no black hole for that?" said the canine, looking skywards to the symbolic gaps.

"There doesn't need to be. Notice how the black holes are surrounded by acres of white emptiness."

 

[Urien]

I found myself drifting off topic...

 

[The Judge]

People, let's remember this is meant to be a critique of the writing, not of the philosophy behind it.

I am (perhaps charitably) assuming this is meant to be a piece of imaginative writing ie a short story or an introduction to a novel. If so, it fails miserably. It reads like a badly prepared - and very badly punctuated - political tract. Of course, if this is a parable created within the novel by a social inept which is being used to illustrate that character's inability to think rationally or write coherently, well then it's a success.

A story needs to have its themes and ideas worn lightly. Start preaching at your readers and you alienate them - and not simply those who dislike/disapprove of your politics. The idea is to create a story and characters and let them talk realistically. A writer should not impose his own political agenda on them or the plot. Not if he wants to be read by anyone with half a brain.

As to punctuation. Chris has caught some of the errors, but there are plenty more. You are particularly bad with speech attributions eg

“Ignorance is a two way street” the canine said

This should be ' "... two way street," the canine said' - ie a comma before the close of the quotation marks.

There are also missing capitals in assorted places. If you don't understand punctuation, learn.

If you truly wish to be a writer, and you truly wish for constructive feedback, then this is just the place for you. I suggest you get out another piece of writing, check it over for punctuation mistakes, and then post it here with a brief paragraph telling us a little about it. You might also want to go over to the introductions thread and introduce yourself so you can be welcomed.

If not, well, it was interesting meeting you.

J

 

[Pyan]

I suggest you get out another piece of writing, check it over for punctuation mistakes, and then post it here with a brief paragraph telling us a little about it

Seconded - without some sort of explanation and context, it's almost impossible to make any constructive criticism of anything but the spelling/punctuation.

Read the stickies at the top of the thread, please.

 

[cvoidlibrary]

The canine race commited genocide against another race of beings on an alien planet. The alien race then stole the newborn children of that race and enslaved them through mental brainwashing. They taught the children that they were inferior because of the crimes committed by their ancestors.

The protagonist travels to the alien planet which takes several thousand years. He has a bomb that is intended to destroy the canines.

 

[anthorn]

That should have been in with the original post.

Um still not too sure about the story. Just seems like random events. Why are they fighting.
why are they fighting?
Why are the canines on earth?
Does this mean all dogs are aliens?
Why did they take the children.
Why are they inferior.
Why is the protagonist not dead if it takes him 1000 years to go to planet.
Why has he got a bomb.

Also you need to remember not to have them talking like this.
"Hello bob how are you?" I asked. "I'm fine." he replied.

It should always be.

"Hello bob how are you?" I asked.
"I'm fine." he replied.

 

[The Judge]

Thank you for your brief explanation. That allows us to see what your intentions were. Unfortunately my comments still hold good. It reads very badly. I flatter myself that I am not unintelligent, but frankly I couldn't make sense of what was being said nor what the canine was meant to be demonstrating. The holes in particular were meaningless.

I do think that if you wish to be helped in your writing it would be an idea to forget this scene for the moment and start a new thread with another section from your novel. Perhaps a scene that involves something other than extended dialogue. We can then better assess your strengths.

J

 

[cvoidlibrary]

That should have been in with the original post.

Um still not too sure about the story. Just seems like random events. Why are they fighting.
why are they fighting?
Why are the canines on earth?
Does this mean all dogs are aliens?
Why did they take the children.
Why are they inferior.
Why is the protagonist not dead if it takes him 1000 years to go to planet.
Why has he got a bomb.

The canines didn't like the way the human like race was treating their planet.

I never said the canines were on Earth. It is a planet that is identical to Earth.

No. The canines communicate through a complex series of barks. Names can not be translated into human speech. The generic term canine is chosen by the canine's translator.

Children are impressionable.

They are not inferior. The canines did not fight as much among themselves and took better care of their planet. The canines believed that the humans were inferior.

Cryogenic sleep. It's only purpose is to work.

He was given the bomb by someone.

 

[anthorn]

I never said the canines were on Earth. It is a planet that is identical to Earth.

.

True but you never said that they were not on earth. What are we supposed to think when you mention cars. The difference between black people and white.

 

[cvoidlibrary]

True but you never said that they were not on earth. What are we supposed to think when you mention cars. The difference between black people and white.

Actually, it is Earth. Earth in an alternate dimension.

 

[anthorn]

But you just said it was a planet identical to earth but NOT earth.

So which is it. Is it the planet that is identical to earth but not earth or earth in another dimension. As a matter of fact. What is it about? I've read the exerpt. Which I believe needs to be rewritten, as in other books/works etc. And as a rule. two different people do not speak in the same paragraph let alone the same line.

 

[cvoidlibrary]

But you just said it was a planet identical to earth but NOT earth.

So which is it. Is it the planet that is identical to earth but not earth or earth in another dimension. As a matter of fact. What is it about? I've read the exerpt. Which I believe needs to be rewritten, as in other books/works etc. And as a rule. two different people do not speak in the same paragraph let alone the same line.

You are right.

I was trying to leave that part out because it would complicate things further. The black holes are related to the alternate dimension theme.

 

[cvoidlibrary]

“Black people are not superior to white people, but white people are still responsible for slavery” the canine said. “That is not true” I responded. “You are right it is not true and the hole you just looked at proves it. This hole represents the fact that this individual black person needs to know that specific individuals were responsible for slavery and not an entire race. The black individual needs to know this before they can truly overcome their ignorance."

“Black people are not superior to white people, but white people are still responsible for slavery” the canine said. “That is not true” I responded. “You are right it is not true and the hole you just looked at proves it. This hole represents the fact that people need to realize that specific individuals were responsible for slavery and not an entire race. People need to know this before they can truly overcome their ignorance.”

 

[Blackrook]

Put away your sledgehammer and use a scalpel instead.

 

[cvoidlibrary]

"Aha! I said. "So you are a canine re-inventor, are you?"

"What is one of those?" asked the canine.

"Someone who, for whatever reason, feels embarassed about something in their history and does their damnedest to try and excuse it and assuage their feelings of embarrassment by blaming it on other people."

"But that cannot be right," said the canine, pausing for a second to lick his own bottom. "How can a white person today be responsible for African slavery three hundred years ago?"

"Individually, they can't be. But that does not take away collective responsibility. The wealth of our society and many indiviudals within it was based on slavery. We reap the benefits to this day. Slavery was protected by law, excused by the Church, defended in Parliament and accepted by the vast majority of people. Were thosee people any crueller than us? Probably not. Were they more objectively evil than us? Probably not. And therein lies the rub. Those same institutions which allowed slavery back then exist to this day. Do you really believe that had you lived back then, you would not have shared the views of the majority of your peers? Do you really believe that there is nothing going on in our society today which will not cause red faces for future generations? Erm...are you actually listening to this?"

"Sorry" said the canine. "I was chasing an imaginary car. Force of habit. Do go on."

"The point is that any individual who fails to learn the lessons of history repeats the mistakes of history. OK, you might think that a 21st century white political leader who has never enslaved anyone apologising to a 21st century black political leader who has never been enslaved is tokenistic and pointless. But it isn't. Because those institutions - which, incidentally, we now laud as bastions of our freedom - last longer than the individuals who make them up. And because it shows that those who have inherited those institutions are doing what they can to ensure that that particular mistake is never made again. What better way of building trust and respect between communities and moving on in a spirit of genuine amity?"

"So why is there no black hole for that?" said the canine, looking skywards to the symbolic gaps.

"There doesn't need to be. Notice how the black holes are surrounded by acres of white emptiness."

A lot of this is true and a lot of it is not. Racism towards black people is morally wrong. You don't have to take the blame of slavery onto yourself in order to put forth the effort to improve the conditions of African Americans.

The black holes are supposed to symbolize the combination of what I posted and what you posted here.

 

[Blackrook]

The point of science fiction is you don't talk about white people and black people, you talk about blue aliens and green aliens. Then you can say what you want without pissing people off.