prophesy.. a little help appreciated.

Asmiley

lost in Time
Joined
Jan 30, 2001
Messages
7,755
Location
I go to Acen every year. and now I go to 2 scifi c
Okay I'm writing a prophesy to go with a certain character I'm playing in a story. thing is I'm not sure How I want to word it and any help possible would be fabulous.

this is what I have already:

There will be a child born of extraordinary power marked with the sign of five points enflamed. The one who seeks the ultimate power must virgin sacrifice the child when the moon is full and the fifth planet aligns with the third. Drink the blood and eat the flesh of the child before the dawn and ultimate power will be attained.


i think it's too wordy and needs help. what's your opinion?
 
The Star Child will be born with the sign of five points enflamed. Who seeks the ultimate power must drink the blood and eat the flesh of this child at the Groachling Time.

(with allowance made for my tacky, off-the-cuff names :eek:)

In short, I suggest you save the detail for the characters to discuss/discover. That would be my suggestion, anyway. Hope it isn't too awful.
 
Doesn't ring true for me AS:

The child with extraordinary powers presumably has these obvious signs to mark him down as good sacrificial material. Seems a little convenient and what's the point of the extraordinary powers if he never gets to use them and they aren't so marvellous if they can't protect him at the crucial part of his life when any tom dick or harry having read the prophecy will be out looking for him so as to take advantage of the powers he can bestow.
 
I've always considered prophecies as more effective in mnemonic verse form. How about:

A child of fire, five points inflame
With power imbued, a sacrifice
Eat of his flesh, the power to claim
The light of moon, when words align
Fifth planet shall with third concurr
'Ere sunrise shall the night deter.

All right, it's not very good, and you can doubtless do much better yourself, but doesn't it sound suitably oracular?
 
Further to that idea, how about lightening the mood with a limerick!?

There will soon be a child called Blaine,
Who is marked with the five points in flame.
Eat him all up,
Drink his blood from a cup
And the ultimate power you will gain


Granted it leaves out most of the important details and doesn't work at all unless the child, by some startling coincidence, was actually going to be called Blaine but apart from that I think it's winning!
 
if i was writing the whole story on my own i think it'd be neat to try it the way you suggested interface.;)

Doesn't ring true for me AS:

The child with extraordinary powers presumably has these obvious signs to mark him down as good sacrificial material. Seems a little convenient and what's the point of the extraordinary powers if he never gets to use them and they aren't so marvellous if they can't protect him at the crucial part of his life when any tom dick or harry having read the prophecy will be out looking for him so as to take advantage of the powers he can bestow.

ah but this is really only the first part of the prophesy. if they live past the night of the alignment thingy on the full moon they gain full use of said powers and become the next greatest ruler of the land etc...blah blah blah.

and the other point is the mark is a birthmark.:p not very big.:D not so easy to find. i don't want that to be actually part of the prophesy so i said born with the mark of... make it more riddle like. so many prophesies i've heard/read are kinda like riddles.

I've always considered prophecies as more effective in mnemonic verse form. How about:

A child of fire, five points inflame
With power imbued, a sacrifice
Eat of his flesh, the power to claim
The light of moon, when worlds align
Fifth planet shall with third concurr
'Ere sunrise shall the night deter.

All right, it's not very good, and you can doubtless do much better yourself, but doesn't it sound suitably oracular?

i like the idea alot Chris.;) i really do!

actually I might end up using alot of what you wrote there matty thanks bunches!^_^ too bad the alignment thing is so important or I could prolly copy paste all but the first line of it. lol:D
 
I've always considered prophecies as more effective in mnemonic verse form. How about:

A child of fire, five points inflame
With power imbued, a sacrifice
Eat of his flesh, the power to claim
The light of moon, when words align
Fifth planet shall with third concurr
'Ere sunrise shall the night deter.

All right, it's not very good, and you can doubtless do much better yourself, but doesn't it sound suitably oracular?

What do you mean - it's not very good - it's bl**dy marvelous!
 
If you use things like Macbeth or the Bible as guides for your prophecy, they are only really clear in retrospect. I would make the prophecy a poem like Chris suggests, Macbeth and Scripture both do that, but make it more obtuse, leaving a a bit of uncertainty as to whether a particular action is really fulfilling the prophecy or not.
 
What do you mean - it's not very good - it's bl**dy marvelous!

When I said it's not very good, I was not being modest. I had taken about two minutes on it, just enough to define the rhythm and give an indication of how it went together.

If I'd been writing it for one of my pieces I'd have made the second and fourth lines rhyme, and quite possibly installed internal rhymes as well, so it couldn't be changed without sounding "off" (one of the reasons I believe poetry was so important in a pre-literate society; if you've a strict set of instructions for summoning and controlling a demon, you don't want a word to change as it's passed down through the generations). It would have taken at least half an hour to get it right.

if Asmiley requires me to do an improved version, I'm willing to give it a bit more time, with a slightly more detailed specification.

Oh, it was intended to be "worlds", not "words", by the way, but it didn't seem worth changing it when I noticed.
 
All right, them. You'll have to give me a list of what's wrong with the first version; not the rhyme/rhythm thing, I know that, but what words don't come through, or are missing. We could do this by PM, but since you've started this in a 'workshop' thread I might as well do a tutorial on oracular pronouncements (;)).

I think the base structure is reasonable; finishing with a rhyming couplet is nice and old-fashioned, with the simplistic abab rhyming pattern (although, if we want to get more information in this have to may change) something easily memorised.

While I could do it in limerick form, and enjoy the exercise, (and get it to scan right) I think any oracle delivering its predictions in this form would be chucked out of the seers and augurs union, for lacking serious.
 
OK.

Might I suggest that the rhyme is in an old rarely translated language so that the reader would not know what it's about. The translation could be rhyming or not then but it'll at least create a barrier to any tom dick or harry.

The one thing about the rhyme in LOR was it was in elvish and even then the meaning was obscure.

If the writing inside the ring had just said

Wear this ring for absolute power

I doubt there would have been any mystery about what it was for.

In fact the translation could be part of a discussion regarding the exact meaning of the Grobolish words so that you knew it was correct when it rhymed

eg. one of the words might translate to watch or hour with obvious connotations available if the wrong word is chosen - both for the rhyme to make sense and for the word it would have to rhyme with.
 
I haven't forgotten, and you can't huggle it out of me any faster; I'm adapting a song that was translated into French from the original Mandarin, and all the neurones in that sector of my brain are occupied.

In the mean time:

Power child, drink the blood, devour flesh
Five-point mark burning deep in the crêche
Third, fifth planets' conjuncture
With full moon in adjuncture
Before dawn, and your powers refresh.

Which would certainly hide its true significance from the world.
 
That was not intended to be taken seriously (limericks aren't). Just that my muse delivers things in that format, by choice, and has to be cajoled into producing sonorous declamations.


A mark of fire, five points enflame,
Drink down the blood, the flesh devour,
The sacrifice at full moon claim,
When third and fifth conjunct, in power.
And if, by dawn, the deed's not done,
Unstoppable new rule shall greet the sun.


"Ugh!" said Seona "That's gross. You wouldn't really drink someone's blood, would you?"

"And you're the one who's been complaining about the price of meat in the market. I'm not even certain I would want that much power, but that "unstoppable rule" worries me. It might be benevolent but, historically, rulers with no checks and balances tend to become despots, if well-meaning despots. How long can an empowered live?"

"As long as he wants to, more or less. Easy enough to prevent ageing if you've enough power on hand."

"I suppose the first people to see are the astrologers. Haman, you would be good for that."

"Why would we need an astrologer? We've already got a prophecy, and I doubt whether they could narrow it down much. They specialise in imprecision."

"For that 'conjunct'. What apart from planets have 'conjunctions?"

"Grammarians?" Taya's ironic voice cut through. "Although I doubt if it were one of them, or it would be 'conjoin'."

"Now this 'mark' of 'five points enflamed'. Though it might be 'five points in flame'; the original words would have been spoken, and only written down afterward. He might have stuck his hand in a fire and burnt all the fingertips to uselessness. That sort of thing frequently triggers the use of power."

"There's a merchant shipper who brands his cases with a symbol of three flames." Seona was starting to get into the game. "Check whether there's anyone who uses five – a cadet branch, maybe. Getting branded would certainly be an experience that 'marked' you. But why are you saying 'he' all the time?"

"The 'ruler'? No, that could be a she, or even an it."

"A 'she' would make looking for the enflamed points more fun." Haman ducked as Taya launched a playful punch "But how could it be an 'it'? 'It's can't rule."

"And you a cat person. But it's not certain that the power source will be the 'unstoppably ruler'. Just likely. So we can't -um 'rule out' any life form with flesh. I admit straight away that a nice beef steak sounds much more appealing than 'baby tartar'."
 
Back to the plot.

I'm not so sure there's a big audience out there for graphic descriptions of child sacrifice (well, not yet but it's coming). Since this is so central to the characters power and presumably the final outcome it will have to be mentioned in the synopsis (cos if you didn't people would get really miffed) and I just can't see your average Sci Fi fan thinking -

"Oh a bit of child sacrifice that's what fancy for some bedtime reading"

Darkwise, destined to find and sacrifice a new born babe at the conjuction of the planets. His devouring of the mortal flesh of the of the God Whishna at the moment of tranformation through human birth will give him the powers he needs to cast out spiders and eat slugs. So he must overcome his repugnance of this vile act and drink the blood and roast the flesh the child before it takes it's mother's first milk. In this way he will become Master of Splogwand and bring peace and justice to the galaxy.

No I reckon your average "looking for something to read on the beech" brigade will possibly put the book back on the shelf and go look for something a little lighter.

So I would at least let the lad/girl get to maturity - say eighteen before we light the BBQ.

Course it might all be better if the "hero" having found the kid can't bring himself to do the deed and ends up marrying her/him whereupon they go on to rule the world and defeat the baddie anyway.

Just an opinion.
 
Last edited:
actually that's kinda funny cuz in the story my character is in she'll be 18 before the planets align correctly with the full moon.



and another funny thing Chris, there is actually a cat that turns into a person in the story. lol you really are brill^_^
 
If at all possible, see if you can get your hands on a copy of the DVD "Willow". It had a rather similar story line, perhaps not quite as gruesome, but the idea was somewhat the opposite - The child had to be kept away from an evil queen (who already had formidable black magic powers), because the child - if allowed to mature - would be the downfall of said queen. It was set in a somewhat medieval world. It was also fairly humorous. It was a George Lucas production.
 

Similar threads


Back
Top