past or present tense?

[HBrookhouse]

Hi, I had written my first serious novel in the present tense, but a professional review said that this can get a bit wearing (I would normally agree with that and was astonished that I was writing it in the present tense at all, but it seemed to work). They said this was fine for the prologue, but once the book starts, proper, I should revert to past tense. Well, the nature of the prologue (or "Prelude" as it is called) is such that this didn't really work, so I set about changing the entire thing to past tense (I'm perfectly happy with that). However, the opening seemed to lose something in doing so, so what I've ended up doing is maintaining present tense for the opening paragraph, then reverting to past tense thereafter. It being narrated, I think I can get away with this. It certainly sounds right (and I do tend to listen to the musicality of the structure).

Anyway, see what you think and comment as appropriate (hoping I've included enough to get the feel)

PRELUDE
“Just because, at the moment, something didn’t happen five minutes ago, doesn’t mean that in five minutes time it won’t have happened ten minutes ago.”
- Tobias Franklin (aka Cole) - c 2326​

A shadow at a darkened upstairs window, I watch a front door open across the street. Just far enough for a cheek and barely half an eye to squash itself against the jam. Rats and men scurry to find their hiding places. Crawl spaces and sewers. An arm cranes out to grab the small, brown and white cross-breed, shivering on the step, blooded and scarred from its day's scavenging. The eye flicks up. Catches me full on. I jar back. No-one should be able to see me – not cos I'm hidden, but cos I'm really there – I'm not really anywhere. So who's behind the eye that they can?

The eye dropped, releasing me from its hold. The mutt was yanked inside with a yelp. The door clicked shut, locked and bolted – as if any of the advancing jackboots couldn't just kick it in with a swift underside, like the rest of the deserted street.

Bergmann's stance was predictable. I scanned the mumbling audience as their awareness reasserted itself from the vivid images sent directly to their visual cortices. Row upon row of zinc white faces, designer shades covering the gaps around the eyes left clear of the shrink-wrapped wipe-on-peel-off u.v. protection gel masks; a residue of global warming's aftermath.

 

[Sapheron]

Past tense is generally better for a novel; present ends up making people eat their own arms after the first couple of chapters and tends to end up just going 'I'm doing this, I'm doing that, I'm...' and so on.

The idea of switching tenses between paragraphs makes me a little wary, but at the same time when I read it it's not too bad. Personally, I'd suggest past tense throughout just to make it consistent, but you could probably get away with what you're doing, so if you want to then go with it.

 

[Nik]

Um, I've seen a switch to 'present tense' used very well to convey the intense time-telescoping found in eg combat. Literally, there's no past or future, there's only the Horribly Immediate Now.
Zen-stuff...

Otherwise, you get a stream of unreflected consciousness that readers will either love or loathe, and editors shun as problematic...

Um, I've also seen 'present tense' used to effect in a classic SciFi tale where the protagonist was 'chemically coshed' with a drug that suppressed short-term memory. He had no 'past' since that first dose in the prison camp. But, he'd been taught strategems to deal with the situation, perpetrated an astonishing prison-break...

 

[HBrookhouse]

Thanks. I'll just make it clear - the rest of the book will be in past tense. I'm perfectly happy with that and on a literary level, I much prefer it. Present tense always sounds a bit thick, to be honest (like a cheap stand-up comic "this guy goes into a pub, right, and orders a pint and the budgie says ...") It's only the very first paragraph which is in the present tense. I don't intend to do any more switching. I had changed it all, but it lost that immediacy, almost like replacing the canon fire in the 1812 with synthesised pop guns.

However, I am very good at taking things out (or changing them) which I absolutely love, but really don't work. I'm currently at a stage where I really like this and am blind to whether or not it works.

 

[2ndchance]

Hmmm, I have just spent six months changing my whole tale (85k) from present to past. It worked for me, made it read smoothly.

It's got to be your choice...

Best Steve

 

[MistingWolf]

You probably could get away with keeping the first paragraph in present tense, but I personally found it a little jarring going from present to past tense. As a reader, I would prefer it to stay all in one tense. Some books do well in present tense: Alan F. Troop's The Dragon Dela Sangre series is proof of this. However, for yours since the rest is past tense, I would also be inclined to keep that first paragraph in past.

 

[The Judge]

The use of the present tense in that one para didn't bother me, and I agree it gave it some immediacy. If you are going to worry about it, though, how about deleting the second para, which doesn't add a great deal, and putting a bigger gap (and/or an asterisk) between the first and third, to distance it on the page as well as in time - especially since the third seems to bear no relation to the street scene in any event.

Erm... since you've got this on critiques, can I mention a couple of things? There's a 'not' missing in the penultimate sentence of the first para; and I think the last sentence of the first should have a 'see me' on the end to make it read better. The choppy sentences of the first also lead to possible ambiguities, so you might want to think about just smoothing them a little. And did you intend the third para to be completely incomprehensible? Because if you did, it worked!

J

 

[Susan Boulton]

Just my 2 pennies worth.

You know you have done the tense change on purpose, but if you sent this in to an agent/publisher, say if they requested the first chapter or first 5-10 pages, it is going to look as if you don't know what you are doing.

Also, is the narrator the shadow at the darkened window, or is he watching a shadow at a darkened window? Not very clear, and does not link very well to the second section of the sentence. Suggest making them two sentences.

 

[ChrisQ]

I liked the intimacy of the first paragraph, and I didn't think it jarring at all in the move from present to past. I've seen this done before. The opening sentence of the second paragraph makes it clear you know what you're doing, because there is an intentional break.

The times I have seen this though, it was done in italic. I don't think it needs it, but I thought I'd mention it.

I don't know. I think it works well. The shift looks intentional, not because of poor writing.

 

[The Pelagic Argosy]

You said the first bit is being narrated? (Is that the first paragraph or two?) Whether you change the tense or not, I think you should put quotes around it or put it in italics so that's clear.

I read the first paragraph both ways - the way you wrote it and then I switched to past tense in my head. I don't think it would lose anything. It's vivid either way. (A line like "I jarred back" might not work though. "I jumped back"? "I flinched"?)

I don't like "cos." Cos it's not a word.

I like the 'quote' at the top. That's clever.

 

[HBrookhouse]

Thanks all. Gosh! I'd never noticed I'd left out the "not" in the first paragraph!

Just to answer a few comments (all of which require thanks, whether good or bad - criticism is ALWAYS a help to me) ... The third paragraph does make sense when you read on, but I only left it at that point because it's advised to keep these things short. The inclusion of Bergman at the beginning of that paragraph is deliberate, but maybe that's a mistake anyway (no need to comment on that, you'd have to see the rest to determine and maybe, later in the day, I'll ask for that).

I don't like "cos" very much, either, but it is narrated in a chatty style and I deferred to the lazy method because of that fact. "'Cause" always makes me read cause (cors, not cos).

The quotes at the top are from characters in the novel and appear later in the story. I quite like that the reader gets these little snapshots and then later gets to see the whole context. But that particular quote is ... well it's long winded why I'm particularly happy you like that one. One of my other favourites starts Chapter One (Part One - they're at the head of each part, not each chapter) "We are not made from the ashes of dead stars. We are made from the seeds of universes; the embryos of gods."

Oh yeah - I'm not comfortable with "jarred back" either. But I didn't like jumped back, because that's not what he did. He didn't move his legs, just his head - and a jarring of the torso, with eyes widening. Anybody got a single word to describe that?!!!

Chris - I liked the intimacy of the opening paragraph, too. I think you must have read it as I do. But it's difficult (when you've read something hundreds of times) to see, sometimes, when you have actually done what you intended. Hence asking what people thought.

The Judge (I've read a few of your comments in other threads and tend to like them) ... second paragraph is absolutely vital. It's difficult to be fully aware of these things with such a snippet, but such comments are still good to hear, because just the odd word here and there can often overcome any confusion which may occur (let's face it, if an agent thought the same way about something, they might decide to reject at that point and move on to the next). The third paragraph is saying that the street scene was being lived by the audience (this fact is clarified in the following sentences). Yeah - I think I'd err on the side of agreeing with you about "see me" but I could overcome that by italicising "that they can". I think the problem is that it's not all one sentence (i.e. Nobody should be able to see me, so how come they can?).

Thanks again everyone. I think I'm likely to leave the tense of the first paragraph, but if anyone thinks I absolutely must not and has a compelling reason to back it up, please do comment.

And just so as not to ignore you, SJAB - yes, I have thought about making note to an agent that it was deliberate, but I was puzzled as to where to make such a note. It seems a bit too pedantic for a synopsis. And so ... with others saying they thought it looked deliberate, I think I'll leave it for the intelligence of the agent. If they aren't intelligent enough to see that (from the wider angle of the 1st 3 chapters - not the same with just that bit and focusing everyone's attention on it) they just aren't going to get anything about the book!!!!!

 

[mushroomyakuza]

I actually quite like it, but I agree it can be hard reading. On the other hand, I feel it works quite well with the first person narration. If it were 3rd person however...