Another synopsis/pitch/query/whatever...

[FionaW]

I've just had an email to say that before the course (starting Sunday) I need to send the agent a heap of stuff including a 30-80 word pitch, a 150 word pitch and a query letter.

Now it would be very useful if anyone but me had actually read this novel, but as they haven't, I can't ask them what they thought it was about. I have to work it out for myself

So here's the 150 worder; all advice gratefully received, the plan being to make this sound like a book you'd actually want to read!

nb, for the noobs, a pitch is where you try to make the story sound interesting. It's not a detailed account of what actually happens.

nnb, for some reason I can't convert the font to arial. Apologies.

Caedun intends to spend his life wrapped up in his music, and being handed as a gift to a foreign king is not part of his plan. But a god has told him that his task is to prevent the destruction of a nation. After the queen is murdered, the heir to the throne is suicidal, and the only person Caedun can depend on is tortured on the order of the king, it looks as if he has spectacularly failed.

In distant Murro a beaten, hopeless child has his first encounter with magic, a talent that will take him back to his birthplace and offer him all he has ever dreamed of. But it’s very hard to become a mage when no one knows that you cannot read or write.

Becoming Kingsbard and First Mage is battle enough; only then do they realise that the war has just begun.

next I have to get this below 80 words...do you think I should just cut this down or start over as it's going to the same agent?

 

[J-WO]

Good, sounds intriguing.
Maybe shorten the final line to-

Becoming Kingsbard and First Mage is battle enough, yet the war has just begun.

Or something like that. For a start, its leaner. To me, that would make it more immediate as well.

 

[FionaW]

Thanks - I was thinking about shortening that last line.

But it’s very hard to become a mage when no one knows that you cannot read or write.

This line bothers me, too - I don't like the double negative.

But it’s very hard to become a mage when everyone thinks you can read and write.

This, however, feels clumsy and doesn't quite get the point across.

 

[Sapheron]

But it's very hard to become a mage while hiding your own illiteracy?

 

[J-WO]

But learning to be a mage is hard when you're illiterate.

 

[Ursa major]

Here's an 80-word version:

Caedun wishes only to compose music; instead he is offered to a foreign king. A god prophesies his destiny: to prevent a nation’s destruction. The Queen is murdered, the Heir suicidal. Caedun’s sole ally is tortured on the King's order; Caedun’s hopes seem blighted.

In distant Murro, a down-beaten child discovers magic, promising his heart’s desires. But who can turn an illiterate wretch into a Mage?

Becoming Kingsbard and First Mage is battle enough, yet the war has just begun.

Some of the changes are required in the longer version, to animate it. E.g. "destiny" rather than "task".

 

[J-WO]

Nice! You seem an old hand at this game, U.M.

 

[Ursa major]

Not really, hence the editing I'm having to do on it as I keep seeing things that jar: too many "desires", misreading how literate or not the child is....

 

[FionaW]

Question regardin UM's summary - I was told that you only capitalise king, queen, majesty when using the full title; otherwise it's lowercase, ie:

Her Majesty Queen Victoria said...

'If his majesty would come this way,' said the retainer.

Is this correct?

 

[Ursa major]

You may be right.

In my defence, I would say that in what you are doing here, you want to make every word do as much work as you can.

With Heir, as opposed to heir, I was trying to suggest "heir to the throne"; more specifically, "the heir to the throne of the kingdom in which Caedun lives". That's why I used Queen not queen, so that the reader knows it isn't the queen of the king to whom Caedun has been offered. Perhaps it's too much belt and braces; on the other hand, you used First Mage and Kingsbard on their own (which seem okay to me.)

 

[FionaW]

Ah. I see what you mean. I just got a little alarmed because it seemed to be awash with capitals!

I use First Mage in the novel just to separate it from things like 'he was the first mage to walk through the door'.

Hmm. Need to do a bit more thinking (working on the query letter now).

I think I'll sleep on it tonight, read the comments and tweak it tomorrow and then send it. She refers to it as a 'draft query', so hopefully she will give some horse's mouth advice on it next week.

 

[Ursa major]

What would be really useful - if you'd be willing to do it (it is your book, after all) - would be to indicate what the course suggests.

(Hints would do; nothing needs to be too specific. I think we'd all like to know that. We all need to know. You can decide this after you come back: there's no need to make any promises now.)

 

[FionaW]

Query draft:

Dear [Agent]


I am seeking representation for Stormwatcher, my 160 000 word adult commercial fantasy novel. It is the first book in a trilogy.

Caedun intends to spend his life wrapped up in his music, and being handed as a gift to a foreign king is not part of his plan. But a god has told him that his task is to prevent the destruction of a nation. After the queen is murdered and the only person Caedun can depend on is tortured on the order of the king, it appears that he has spectacularly failed. Meanwhile in distant Murro a beaten, unwanted child has his first encounter with magic, the beginnings of an astounding talent that will take him back to his birthplace and offer him all he has ever dreamed. But it’s very hard to become a mage when someone discovers that you cannot read or write, more so when your skill threatens your father’s ambition.


Becoming Kingsbard and First Mage is battle enough; only then do they realise that the war has barely begun.

I have a Master’s in creative writing and participated in the Arvon Advanced Fiction course (admission by portfolio). My magical realism story, The Angel, was published in Mslexia magazine.


I enclose a SASE for your reply.

Yours sincerely,

 

[FionaW]

Instructions are as follows:

Page 1: a cover sheet with the author's penname, story title, genre, total wordcount of completed manuscript (approx), and an 8 to 12 word pitch of their story.

Page 2: a 30 to 80 word pitch, AND a 150 word pitch.

Page 3 to 5: The first 3 pages of their manuscript.

Page 6: one page from anywhere in the middle to end of their manuscript.

Page 7: a draft query letter for a publisher/agent
(no longer than one page, but preferably half a page or less).

... and if any participant is having trouble or can't supply any page, please just say so on that page, and move onto the next page, so that all participants supply 7 pages, even if some are blank.

.. and yes, please ensure every page is numbered with pen-names in the header.

...what looks weird is that I've got a header and page number on my cover sheet, but the way I read the instructions, that's what she wants.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Caedun intends to spend his life wrapped up in his music, and being handed as a gift to a foreign king is not part of his plan. But a god has told him that his task is to prevent the destruction of a nation. After the queen is murdered, the heir to the throne is suicidal, and the only person Caedun can depend on is tortured on the order of the king, it looks as if he has spectacularly failed.

In distant Murro a beaten, hopeless (helpless -maybe) child has his first encounter with magic, a talent that will take him back to his birthplace and offer him all he has ever dreamed of. But it’s very hard to become a mage when no one knows that you cannot read or write. (this doesn't make sense. The becoming is not dependant of who knows he can't read - more on the fact he can't read)


Becoming Kingsbard and First Mage is battle enough; only then do they realise that the war has just begun. (this confuses - Kingsbard suggests a musician/entertainer so it points back to Caedun who this isn't I assume not to mention why a Mage would be an lowly entertainer/musician)

It seems a little dull to me (sorry) - The opening line put me in a negative mood as in there's this guy who would have been happy to just naval gaze and smoke dope all day whilst strumming on his badly tuned guitar.

Whereas the second part of the sentence got me slightly interested. You could try swapping them as in something like :-

Being given as a tribute gift to some heathen warmonger was not in Caedun's plans. It didn't help in the slightest that a God had told him he was destined for fame and fortune as the saviour of the nation. For one it sounded dangerous.

When his new queen is murdered, the crown price throws a wobbler and his best friend tortured it looks like things can't get much worse. How wrong can a simple musician be?

.

 

[HareBrain]

Caedun intends to spend his life wrapped up in his music, and being handed as a gift to a foreign king is not part of his plan. But a god has told him that his task is to prevent the destruction of a nation. After the queen is murdered, the heir to the throne is suicidal, and the only person Caedun can depend on is tortured on the order of the king, it looks as if he has spectacularly failed

I think you need to suggest a relationship between the first and second sentences - the "But" suggests there is one, but you don't hint what it is. I'd try to get more of the plot in there. How is he supposed to prevent the destruction of the nation? How is the nation threatened? (We don't even know which nation - the one he's left? The one he's been given to?) Why has he been chosen? Who has handed him as a gift, and why? Obviously you can't answer all these questions fully in such a limited space, but to me, what you have at present doesn't work. I think you could up the drama, such as by starting: "Against his will, Caedun the musician is handed as a gift to a foreign king." Straight away, you've got conflict.