Synthetic Flowers

[ubik]

This is a really short introduction I typed up in about half an hour. I like the idea myself, but I don't know if it sounds a bit 'phony'? I would love some criticism please. Thanks!

Syd inspected over his synthetic flowers, thumbing through each plant’s leaves. He picked up a slightly pale looking neo-chrysanthemum and injected it’s stem with a dose of artificial feed. The plant grew an inch and turned a deep shade of yellow. Syd sighed as he placed the plant back on the shelf. He thought back to the times when flowers were real, living organisms. He thought of times long gone. If only he could now see a real chrysanthemum in all it’s glory.

The bell rang as the door opened, and a young lady entered his shop. She was short, slim and blonde. Her large blue eyes inspected each flower slowly. She picked up a bunch of sim-roses.
‘Oh, you don’t want those’, Syd said to the girl.
‘How come? I think they’re pretty’, she replied.
‘Pretty they are, yes, however would you believe it that the battery life on those things is abysmal! I’ve heard of people’s sim-roses running out of battery and dying within a week. This is a much better bet’, Syd handed the girl the neo-chrysanthemum. The girl observed the flower’s beaming yellow petals.
‘Oh, yes, this is beautiful! I shall take it. Could you possibly tell me what the feeding time is on such a flower? And also, will this flower live peacefully with radi-lillies? I bought a sim-chrysanthemum before and placed it with a bunch of radi-lillies. It died the very next day from a power surge.’
‘I haven’t heard of any incompatibility problems between the two. I’m sure they’ll be fine’, Syd reassured the young lady.
‘Oh, great. Thank you very much; hopefully I’ll have more luck with this one than that awful Sim branded chrysanthemum. The entire range of Sim flowers have completely declined in quality over the last few years. Yet the price of them keeps increasing!’
‘Well it’s a shock that anybody can afford to keep synthetic flowers anymore. Besides, they’ll never match the beauty of real flowers so why do we bother?’
‘I’ve never seen a real flower’, the lady admitted. ‘I would very much like to see one though. I imagine they’re perfect.’

The young lady picked up her purchase and made gracefully towards the door. Syd examined her as she walked and he thought she was beautiful. What I would give to be married to a woman like her, he thought.
‘Wait!’, Syd called to her. ‘If you want to see a real flower, I’m sure I could hook that up for you. I don’t know how, but there must be real flowers out there somewhere? Perhaps the rich have been hoarding them all away. Like they do with the wine and olives.’
‘I’d like that. You should come over to my flat this evening. I have a huge selection of synthetic flowers that I would like you to see. Plus, the chance of seeing a real flower is exhilarating!’

The lady gave Syd her address and phone number and walked off again. Syd began to daydream once she had left and the store was empty.
‘How on earth will I ever find a real, living flower? That’s impossible! I must find a way though, I must!’

 

[Michael01]

Okay. Let's see if can help a little bit.

Please, add a space between every paragraph when you post. That makes it much easier to read.

[Blue text in brackets]=my comments.
Blue=oh ... I didn't makes any changes in your text.
Red=things you might want to think about.
Purple=adverbs.

This is a really short introduction I typed up in about half an hour. I like the idea myself, but I don't know if it sounds a bit 'phony'? I would love some criticism please. Thanks!

Syd inspected over [Don't think you need this.] his synthetic flowers, thumbing through each plant’s leaves. He picked up a slightly pale looking neo-chrysanthemum and injected it’s [its] stem with a dose of artificial feed. The plant grew an inch and turned a deep shade of yellow. Syd sighed as he placed the plant back on the shelf. He thought back to the times when flowers were real, living organisms. He thought of times long gone. If only he could now see a real chrysanthemum in all it’s glory.

The bell rang as the door opened, and a young lady entered his shop. She was short, slim and blonde. Her large blue eyes inspected each flower slowly. She picked up a bunch of sim-roses. [Six sentences begin with pronouns. You might want to add more variation to your sentence structure.]
‘Oh, you don’t want those’, Syd said to the girl.
‘How come? I think they’re pretty’, she replied.
‘Pretty they are, yes, however [I think "but" might work better here.] would you believe it that [<--Don't think you need either of these words here.] the battery life on those things is abysmal! I’ve heard of people’s sim-roses running out of battery and dying within a week. This is a much better bet’, Syd handed the girl the neo-chrysanthemum. The girl observed the flower’s beaming yellow petals.
‘Oh, yes, this is beautiful! I shall take it. Could you possibly tell me what the feeding time is on such a flower? And also, will this flower live peacefully with radi-lillies? I bought a sim-chrysanthemum before and placed it with a bunch of radi-lillies. It died the very next day from a power surge.’
‘I haven’t heard of any incompatibility problems between the two. I’m sure they’ll be fine’, Syd reassured the young lady.
‘Oh, great. Thank you very much; hopefully I’ll have more luck with this one than that awful Sim branded chrysanthemum. The entire range of Sim flowers have completely declined in quality over the last few years. Yet the price of them keeps increasing!’
‘Well it’s a shock that anybody can afford to keep synthetic flowers anymore. Besides, they’ll never match the beauty of real flowers so why do we bother?’
‘I’ve never seen a real flower’, the lady admitted. ‘I would very much like to see one though. I imagine they’re perfect.’

The young lady picked up her purchase and made gracefully towards the door. Syd examined her as she walked and he thought she was beautiful. What I would give to be married to a woman like her, he thought. [You could drop the "he thought" and Italicize, if you want.]
‘Wait!’, Syd called to her. ‘If you want to see a real flower, I’m sure I could hook that up for you. I don’t know how, but there must be real flowers out there somewhere? Perhaps the rich have been hoarding them all away. Like they do with the wine and olives.’
‘I’d like that. You should come over to my flat this evening. I have a huge selection of synthetic flowers that [Don't think you need "that" here.] I would like you to see. Plus, the chance of seeing a real flower is exhilarating!’

The lady gave Syd her address and phone number and walked off again. Syd began to daydream once she had left and the store was empty.
‘How on earth will I ever find a real, living flower? That’s impossible! I must find a way though. [I'm thinking new sentence, maybe.] I must!’

It's an interesting idea, but so far there's not enough to hold my attention.

You have a few adverbs. From what I've learned, they're probably okay as long as everything else is done well. But it's good to know that sometimes they can be dropped without hurting the narrative, and sometimes it might be better to replace them with more descriptive language.

Your writing is pretty good, though. Maybe flesh this out a bit more and then post again, if you want.

 

[ubik]

Cheers for the input. Yeah, I realised a lot of errors just after I'd posted it, oops. Will definitely redraft and repost though.

I'm having real trouble trying to come up with ideas in all fairness, I don't find the writing hard, I just find it hard to come up with attention grabbing ideas!

Cheers again, much appreciated

 

[Michael01]

You're welcome.

Really, not too many errors.

Although I'm sure you'll notice, there are others here who are much better at this than me. Good luck with your writing!

 

[FionaW]

Yeah, I realised a lot of errors just after I'd posted it, oops. Will definitely redraft and repost though.

Now I may be alone in this, and get slapped down for it , but I don't think throwing out a piece of prose and posting it on the chrons without thought or editing is doing a service to you or the people who critique here.

I'm not picking solely on you, as you're not the only person who has done this recently - there are a few posters out there with this tendency.

I believe you should never put something up for critique until it's the absolute best you can make it. Only then will you really learn how to take your writing to the next level. Until then you're wasting your time; stuff you need to learn gets lost among the stuff you already know. Polish, redraft and polish again before your writing sees the light of day.

I do understand the desire to show each peice of writing you produce to someone--anyone--but it needs to be resisted.

 

[ubik]

I do apologise to those if I've offended anyone with being hasty in posting up a rough draft, and I shall be more selective with what I post in the future. I suppose it is pointless posting a half assed draft...

 

[Michael01]

Now I may be alone in this, and get slapped down for it , but I don't think throwing out a piece of prose and posting it on the chrons without thought or editing is doing a service to you or the people who critique here.

You're not alone. I didn't say anything myself because I just got tired of it. I've had to tell a few people at AW recently. Truth is, I've done it myself in the past (I think it was a little over a year ago) and someone rightfully rebuked me for it. Since then, I've taken care to post only something I've actually worked on for a while.

I don't say "absolute best" because, if you could do that, then there's really no need for a critique. However, I still believe that a person should show some pride in his or her work before showing it. If you want to discuss an idea, post in the general "Aspiring Writers" forum. But if you want a critique, finish something (either a short story or a chapter), proofread and edit - actually work on it first. Then ask for a critique.

Now I don't mean that you have post all of the work. In fact, it's in your best interest if you only post part of it (a few pages of a short story or a few chapters of a novel). But your story or chapter should still be completed and polished the best you can before you post.

It's actually in the rules, too, right? I don't like seeing "0" in the reply column when someone asks for a critique, but I've also grown quite tired of pointing out mistakes that should have been ironed out beforehand (like periods consistently preceding a dialogue tag ... ugh!). Fortunately, this piece isn't sloppy, but it is obviously an idea - not a complete story or chapter that has been proofread and edited.

It's probably best if I respectfully request that a poster follow these procedures before giving a critique. Not doing so will likely encourage this practice.

Sorry about that, Ubik. Fiona's right and I should have said something too. I hope you understand.

EDIT: Well, I don't know if anyone is offended. At least, I'm not. You weren't clear as to the actual purpose of the critique forum. But it's probably a good idea to read the rules (which are often stickied) of any forum before posting.

 

[ubik]

Thankyou for your comments anyway, I'm reworking at the draft now and I shall repost when I consider it finished to my best standard! This place seems hugely helpful, and hopefully I'll be posting more work here over time.

Thanks

 

[ctg]

In fact, it's in your best interest if you only post part of it (a few pages of a short story or a few chapters of a novel). But your story or chapter should still be completed and polished the best you can before you post.

Actually its better to post only the bit that is bothering you rather then whole chapter. But you might to consider posting also a bit of lead up the problematic bit if you get my meaning.

 

[Michael01]

Yep. Good point, Ctg.

Thankyou for your comments anyway, I'm reworking at the draft now and I shall repost when I consider it finished to my best standard! This place seems hugely helpful, and hopefully I'll be posting more work here over time.

Thanks

You're welcome. I'm fair to middling when it comes to mechanics, but there are others here who are very good with that. Plus, I know what I like. And there are plenty here who can give you more detailed critiques.

I'm looking forward to seeing more of your work!