Complete Rewrite - Assasination Of Dr.Fritz

[vector7]

Hello guys.

Must be startling to hear from me very quickly. So, I have completely rewritten the story previously posted. I have tried incorporating the suggestions and dropping the mistakes. Hope, it has turned out fine. There is nothing more for me to say.

ASSASSINATION OF DR.FRITZ [Complete Rewrite]
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People hated him enough to want him dead. But I was the only one who tried.

I checked the time. Fifteen minutes…

It had been tough work to infiltrate the SEE compound: the SimulatEd rEality company started by Dr. Gordon Fritz. But it had been easy sneaking up into the residential quarters inside the compound due its low level security. I set up my rifle in the middle of the small security station in the second floor I'd chosen. The room had better line of sight at the foyer than the adjacent rooms and far more clearer view into the foyer than the adjacent buildings. The rifle stood slightly away from the window looking at the administrative building with the telescopic sights attached and calibrated for the maximum accuracy. I adjusted the tripod for the right angle and cleaned the weapon. Everything was ready. I removed a bullet from my jacket and loaded it. The alarm in my watch alerted me of the time remaining.
5 minutes…

Dr. Gordon Fritz, the genius behind the parallel reality of SEE. People loved him for his creation, a reality where everyone was treated equally; a world where everyone got the bare necessities of food, shelter and safety. In exchange for it they were given unlimited rights in the alternate world for legal acts. The national governments’ hailed him for successfully doing the things that they had had been doing for centuries without success. He had created a utopia in the alternate reality. The people caught doing illegal acts in SEE were thrown out unceremoniously back into the real world which became the breeding ground for crime. The whole society had broken down. And I wanted him dead.

The alarm I had set in my watch went off. It was time. I scanned the foyer. Everyone was standing. A suited figure walked in their midst with his back turned against my rifle. He walked up to the podium and turned revealing his radiant smile to the press reporters. The satisfaction of seeing his face plastered across the papers with his face screwed up in pain appealed to me; I decided on a shot through his heart. He waved to the reporters and started the conference as I slowly dragged the crosshair and rested it right at his heart. My finger slowly pressed on the deliciously weighted trigger. I didn’t hear a thing as the bullet shattered through the glass around the foyer, piercing the man through his left shoulder. I had missed. I reloaded and scanned the foyer as the security alarm rang with ear shattering decibel in my building. The man was nowhere to be seen. I screamed in pain as a bullet tore through my left shoulder. I staggered back only to hear two gunshots: one behind me and the other in the distance. Split second later bullets punctured me through my chest and gut as I collapsed on the floor.

I knew then why everyone hated him enough to want him dead but not to try.

 

[Boneman]

Hi Vector 7,

I haven't commented up until now, but did read the previous comments, and you look to have taken a lot of that on board, and done a pretty decent rewrite.

Only one thing niggles me; I know you say three lines previously that you're going for a heart shot, but then:

by Vector 7
I didn’t hear a thing as the bullet shattered through the glass around the foyer, piercing the man through his left shoulder. I had missed.

Looks to me like you hit him... It's only a nitpick.

Sudden thought - if this guy is president of the simulated reality company, maybe people can't kill him because he's not there, but is a simulated reality hologram - thus the bullet passes straight through his heart and he doesn't react... then the shooter gets hit.

Oh, and on a previous post there was talk of a head shot, and I bow to professional knowledge, but I thought that the bony cranuim often deflected bullets, and a heart shot might miss the heart, but had a greater chance of a decent collapsed lung, major blood vessel destruction, vital organ disruption, shock sepsis and a slow death from septicaemia and blood loss. But what do I know?

 

[vector7]

Yes, you are right. There is that slight lack of information alright. The bullet hits him but misses the heart. It goes through his shoulder blade. He misses his heart shot. Apart from that, how is the flow and everything?
V

 

[HareBrain]

Can I just pick up on your opening paragraph:

People hated him enough to want him dead. But I was the only one who tried.

This reads wrongly to me, but I'm not sure of the terms I need to explain why. The "tried" doesn't quite match the "want him dead". I would prefer either:

People hated him enough to want him dead. But I was the only one who tried to make it happen (or: tried to kill him).

Or:

People hated him enough to want to kill him. But I was the only one who tried.

if this doesn't make sense, then someone else with a better theoretical knowledge of grammar will have to explain what I mean - assuming they agree!

 

[chrispenycate]

[/quote]

Hello guys.

Must be startling to hear from me very quickly. So, I have completely rewritten the story previously posted. I have tried incorporating the suggestions and dropping the mistakes. Hope, it has turned out fine. There is nothing more for me to say.

ASSASSINATION OF DR.FRITZ [Complete Rewrite]
------------------------------------

People hated him enough to want him dead. But I was the only one who tried

to achieve this?

.

I checked the time. Fifteen minutes…

It had been tough work to infiltrate

possibly "infiltrating", rather than "to infiltrate"?

the SEE compound: the SimulatEd rEality company started by Dr. Gordon Fritz. But it had been easy sneaking up into the residential quarters inside the compound

comma

due its low level security. I set up my rifle in the middle of the small security station in the second floor I'd chosen

possibly the "I'd chosen" after the “security station“, rather that the "second floor"?

. The room had better line of sight at the foyer than the adjacent rooms and far more

" a far clearer", no "more" (incorporated into the comparative "clearer"

clearer view into the foyer than the adjacent buildings. The rifle stood slightly away from the window looking at the administrative building

comma

with the telescopic sights attached and calibrated for the maximum accuracy. I adjusted the tripod for the right angle and cleaned the weapon. Everything was ready. I removed a bullet from my jacket and loaded it. The alarm in my watch alerted me of

"to" rather than "of"

the time remaining.
5 minutes…

Dr. Gordon Fritz, the genius behind the parallel reality of SEE. People loved him for his creation, a reality where everyone was treated equally; a world where everyone got the bare

why "bare" here?

necessities of food, shelter and safety. In exchange for it

in exchange for what?

they were given unlimited rights in the alternate world for legal acts. The national governments’

no apostrophe; it's not a possessive.

hailed him for successfully doing the things that they had had been doing for centuries without success.

messy structure; possibly "trying do do for centuries, without success" or, to avoid the repetition of "success" "failing to do for centuries"?

He had created a utopia in the alternate reality. The people caught doing illegal acts in SEE were thrown out

possibilities: without the "out", without the "back, or a comma after "unceremoniously"

unceremoniously back into the real world

comma

which became the breeding ground for crime. The whole society had broken down. And I wanted him dead.

The alarm I had set in my watch went off. It was time. I scanned the foyer. Everyone was standing. A suited figure walked in their midst with his back turned against

Just "to" instead of "against"? In fact, does the rifle even have any significance here?

my rifle. He walked up to the podium and turned

comma

revealing his radiant smile to the press reporters. The satisfaction of seeing his face plastered across the papers with his face screwed up in pain appealed to me; I decided on a shot through his heart. He waved to the reporters and started the conference as I slowly dragged the crosshair and rested

I don't think the word is "rested"

it right at his heart. My finger slowly pressed on the deliciously weighted trigger. I didn’t hear a thing as the bullet shattered through the glass around the foyer,

Pate glass will always deflect a bullet when shattering (or even getting a clean hole through it). A professional assassin would have a second rifleman, no particular accuracy required, to shoot and shatter the glass to allow the aimed bullet direct access to the target. If I wanted to do it alone I would rig a radio controlled explosive device to break the glass, operated by a tooth switch, so as to give as little warning as possible to the victim. Otherwise all the sniperscopes and adjusted sights are wasted.

piercing the man through his left shoulder. I had missed. I reloaded and scanned the foyer as the security alarm rang with ear shattering decibel

decibels

in my building. The man was nowhere to be seen. I screamed in pain as a bullet tore through my left shoulder. I staggered back only to hear two

more?

gunshots: one behind me and the other in the distance. Split second later

"A split second" or "split seconds" – but actually a modern rifle bullet travels faster than sound, so you receive the impact before hearing the sound (you don't need to do the experiment)

bullets punctured me through my chest and gut as I collapsed on the floor.

I knew then why everyone hated him enough to want him dead

comma

but not to try.

surely, if he is as popular as you have indicated, it's not "everyone", but a tiny minority that want him dead (just as with American presidents) And you came closer than you deserved; a genuine suicidal assassin would have very reasonable odds of taking him out, if he didn't care about surviving.
Are the people involved physically in the alternate world, or do their bodies remain in this one, vulnerable to the criminal element cast out of paradise? If the latter, do they require feeding/changing from time to time, or are they in stasis (until chucked back)?

Do the reporters mentioned in the foyer write for one universe, the other, or both?

 

[vector7]

Hi,
Thanks Chris. Grammar is something I need to look into for sure. I'll write another version of something else and post it while I work harder on this one. Thanks for your input guys.
Vignesh

 

[fkatona]

Curse these lousy gun sights! That's what happens when you import cheap goods from China.

Anyway, a couple of issues that I noticed, aside from the bullet-hitting-the-shoulder-and-missing thing.

First, definitely rewrite the opening two sentences. They are great in concept, but don't flow well. This is more of a gut-feeling thing.

I don't like the info dump about why Dr. Fritz is hated, though I haven't read the rest to see if it is justified. I would prefer to just know that he is hated, and then learn through the story the reason why.

I also could use more from the protagonist, as in thoughts, feelings, emotions, or even physical reactions to his environment or his situation. Is he breathing hard because he is nervous? Is his heart racings? What is he thinking about? Maybe he is thinking how much he hates that man. You were on the right track with the sentence about the man's face in the papers. Go with it!

Consider removing the last sentence. It states the obvious.

Happy rewrite!