Small excerpt for opinion

[blacknorth]

At the beginning of November a friend of mine challenged me to write a short story, supernatural or horrific in nature, As usual, I've left it to the very last week before even getting started. Lazy Lazy. He has to write one also, but I'm quite sure he's much further along.

Anyhoo - I've dreamed up my premise and my setting and have done a bit of research. The remaining problem is prose style - I don't want to make too much of a fool of myself, so I was wondering if you could take a look at this and let me know if it's satisfactory or not. I used to ask my brother, but he emigrated, lol.

The backdrop is the town (as it was then) of Belfast in the 1850's. The lead character, Keegan, is an inspector for the newly formed Gas Company which is just about to turn on the gas supply for the town. But there's a problem - one of the newly installed streetlamps is lit, seemingly of its own accord. He is investigating.


.........


The following morning Keegan was present as the work gang began to lift the cobblestones. A small crowd had gathered at the other side of the street, while the women stood in doorways and murmured quietly at their Rosary. They watched as the workers went at the compacted soil beneath the cobbles with pick-axes and shovels; a heap of earth grew rapidly inside the enclosure. Keegan supervised with one eye on his watch. The lamp continued to burn.

It did not take long. Near nine, one of the men raised a cry and dropped his axe into the hole. The entire work gang fell back momentarily, as though struck, then scattered amongst a clatter of downed tools. Keegan moved to steady the men, but they slipped past him one by one. He was, suddenly, left quite alone inside the enclosure. Slowly, he approached the hole and peered down.

At the bottom, partly emerged from a sticky tarpaulin, lay a small object; unmistakeably a hand, laid out in the attitude of an inoffensive clasp. On impulse Keegan glanced up towards the windows of the nearest house; a girl sat on a lower window sill, staring at him, her eyes searching his face with intense interest. He glanced into the hole again, half-expecting the hand to have disappeared; it lay prone, as before. Again that sensation of vertigo and deja vu crept into him - two intense co-joined habits which produced a light-headed and partial blindness. Still, the hand remained fixed within his damaged vision. 'Fetch the police,' he called. 'And for God's sake get that child away from here.' But the girl at the window was already gone.


.........


Any pointers greatly appreciated.

 

[Sparrow]

Just a couple of minor complaints... you used the word "intense" twice in the same paragraph. Since it seems Keegan experiences these sensations on a regular basis perhaps replace the second "intense" with "familiar". Also, deja vu isn't usually intense, which makes it all the more creepy when it comes over you. And the last part of that same sentence doesn't roll off the tongue very well.

...two familiar conjoined sensations which made his mind swim and his vision faulter...

or something like that.

 

[blacknorth]

Hi Sparrow, thanks for pointing out the double use of intense - I like your suggestion of familiar, a word with its own connotations, and very apt.

Keegan has only begun experiencing this sensation since the day before when informed of a 'gas leak' - it could be a combination of stress and worry that I'm hoping to transform into something rather more sinister. I'm still at a very early stage though.

 

[Boneman]

Not being a Catholic, I wasn't sure about the murmured quietly at their Rosary but I'm sure someone will tell me that's correct. Or not. Don't know you murmur 'at' a rosary...

He was, suddenly, left quite alone inside the enclosure. I think this reads better if you drop the 'suddenly'.

unmistakeably a hand, laid out in the attitude of an inoffensive clasp. Erm, I've read this a few times, and it seems a long-winded way of saying it. What is an inoffensive clasp, I asked myself? Is there an offensive clasp? I gather you're trying to say it was a'peaceful' hand, just laid there, a bit like Michaelangelo's ceiling depiction, but, for me it actually distracts. If it's a hand it hasn't been buried long (or has it?) as there's no decomposition mentioned, so maybe just a hand, palm upwards, as though asleep. It is difficult to get it over without a simile, isn't it?

Did they have 'police' in Belfast in 1850? The Constables?

But it's an intruiging opening, and I'd want to know more.

 

[blacknorth]

Hi Boneman, thanks for commenting.

Regarding the Rosary, I'm not sure if the notion of a group of people being 'at their Rosary' is peculiarly Irish. It's a common and shared prayer session - but even with one person praying, this is often referred to them being at their Rosary. A bit of local colour, perhaps. So it's something I would be keen to retain.

You are correct about the 'Police' - silly of me. I had been looking at the Royal Irish Constabulary and found some differences in organisation and attitudes to the law between north and south, even though Ireland was still one country at that time. These differences became very apparent upon partition, so it's something I hadn't wanted to go into yet. Or at all. So I just slung in police.

And I understand where you're coming from with the 'inoffensive clasp' line. It rankles with me too, though it's a key line, for a number of reasons. My feeling was that what occurs here is weak horror, very weak by today's standards, so I have to turn it into something a little stronger. To do that I looked at the character of Keegan, who I am writing as a very formal man, but with a strong sentimental side. As the POV is mainly his, so a moment of weak horror for us should (I hope) become a stronger one of pity and intrigue for him. The clasp refers back to the Rosary and also forward to an event in the next section. I think the story will probably head into a mild horror-fantasy with a character study at bottom.

Thanks again - I will definitely be looking at all these things when I go back to rework these passages. At the moment I'm trying to plough on through to a complete first draft. Incidentally, I should have mentioned this - before - this isn't the opening, though it is near the start of the piece.

 

[Prototype]

Hi Blacknorth. I read this last night but it was quite late and I needed to return with fresh (less sleepy!) eyes.

I was trying to imagine what you meant by the enclosure but couldn't quite grasp at what you meant by it. I do note from your above post that this excerpt is not necessarily from the start of the story so perhaps this explains it?

If I was being ultra picky I'd ramp the suspense up a bit more instead of just 'Slowly he approached and peered down the hole'. Maybe lengthen that out a line or two?

That said, you have a good balance of varied sentence structures here so your style is certainly very readable. There is a strong hook here which encourages one to read on! I look forward to seeing more.

 

[Belador]

Hi,

A couple of quick comments:

A small crowd had gathered

Maybe 'a small crowd of men had gathered', to balance out 'the women' a few words later?

slipped past him one by one

To me this suggests they are sneaking past, whereas you say just before that they scattered - maybe 'barged past'?

tarpaulin

presume this is a canvas tarpaulin or similar, not plastic?

Hope this is helpful in some way.

 

[blacknorth]

Hi again, thanks all, for your interest.

Prototype - enclosure, lol, indeed. I had simply meant that the area in which they were working was roped off, but made an automatic assumption that it was self-evident. That is a bad habit on my part, thanks for bringing it to my attention.

Would you be surprised to learn I have an absolute horror of suspense? I take your point, but you don't want them finding me dead over my own manuscript.

Belador - thank you, those little details count, surprising how many of them 'slip past' me. In fact, they barge past me. Your point about the tarpaulin is very interesting - I had been thinking of an industrial type linen which would play into the wider plot.

I've been working on this piece during the week - it has indeed turned to fantasy. The Victorian era gave it steampunk leanings as a gift. However, my friend will not be happy as he wants a ghost or horror story - those were the terms, so I must write something else in a hurry. Honestly, these shabby gentlemen's clubs...

 

[fkatona]

Very nice! This excerpt tells me what is going on, and has me wanting to read more.

Rework the writing, look for alternatives for the adverbs, and there are way too many semicolons for my tastes...

On the Rosary deal, it must be a local phrase. Raised Catholic here in the States, you either pray the Rosary (referring to the prayer) or pray on the rosary (referring to the actual beaded thing). I can take your word for it, but it might confuse people.

I'm also confused about what the enclosure is (it may have been described prior to the excerpt). And who is he calling to for the police? I presume everyone else ran in terror.

Don't let this one go! I need to learn the ending...

 

[blacknorth]

Thanks, fkatona - you found me out. My aversion to adjectives leads me to some very curious adverbials. I'd like to develop such a prejudice as a technique, but it's one of those things - if it isn't done well, it'll be awful.

I will probably come back to this at some point because I like Keegan. To give a little more of the plot away, a new street - 'Keegan Street' - was constructed on this very spot during the Edwardian era. It was a fascinating street because it was laid out in the shape of a bottle. Sadly, it has since been demolished (1983).

 

[Prototype]

Would you be surprised to learn I have an absolute horror of suspense? I take your point, but you don't want them finding me dead over my own manuscript.

I could see how that could present you with problems for your future writing career...