Magazine Submission Howlers

[The Judge]

I imagine this, or something similar, has been posted here already -- though I've had a quick look and couldn't find it. Anyway, to my mind it is worth repeating on a regular basis.

Miss Snark, the literary agent: Crapometer got you feeling bruised and blue?

Although I've posted this in humour, I've half a mind to put another link in aspiring writers by way of encouragement there -- I know that whenever I get depressed about the standard of my writing, I read a few of these and feel much better!

I keep changing my mind about my favourite, but I have to admit to a soft spot for "Weston was known for the firm but genital hold he had on his men." That's the way to get their attention, all right.

J

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

Well, we can't have two threads on the same subject. I agree that this one could fit in equally well in Aspiring Writers. Let me know if you think it should be moved.

Some of these are hilarious. Thanks for posting it. (It reminds me of my days reading submissions for a small press magazine.)

 

[Ursa major]

Thanks for pointing this out, TJ. (And yes: link this from Aspiring writers; Writing Magazine includes something similar every year as Christmas approaches, to boost the spirits of its readers.)


Some of my favourites:

· and my legs were already beginning to bale out, filling my shoes quickly.

· "Commander please," she said as she blushed and began yodeling.

· She is powdered, painted, and tearful, playing again one of her greatest rolls. (Presumably ham....)

· A large serf of joy rode under Lisa's face.

· He whetted his lips. (Saves him the bother of sharpening his tongue, I suppose....)

 

[Pyan]

I've just skimmed the rest of that site (including Miss Snark's comments on synopses, cover letters and hooks), and I've had to stop to get my breath back from laughter...Thanks, Judge...

 

[The Judge]

Some of my favourites:

· A large serf of joy rode under Lisa's face.

I have no idea what the writer meant by this, but I have a mental image of the slaves at Roman triumphs whose job it was to stand behind the conquering hero in his chariot and whisper in his ear 'Remember you are mortal' -- only in this case, the short, fat slave is in front of the conquering Lisa and saying 'isn't this lovely'. Much better for the ego. I want one.

Yes, Teresa -- in view of Ursa's comment, please move this to Aspiring Writers so it can cheer everyone up over there.

Thanks

J

 

[zaelyel]

My favourite:

He groped in his trousers and came up with a dirty piece of trash which I thought he'd just throw away.

 

[Interference]

Happy to see two of mine making the list. Fame at last

As a matter of fact, I quite like this one: "It seems occasionally [that] events occur which, had they not happened, no one would imagine they could." (I added some commas, too) It appeals to my quirkiness.

And surely this is Douglas Adams: "... supressing the urge to smile out loud."

But, ooh, Matron ... "Ejaculations aside, that's one hell of a package to swallow!"

 

[Teresa Edgerton]

As requested, thread moved to Aspiring Writers.

 

[mygoditsraining]

On Nov. 29, 2083 the object wold hit. It's antimatter would interact with ordinary matter on Earth and there would be an explosion with the incredible force of 1000 megatons. New York City is doomed!

I could have sworn this opened at the cinema last weekend.