Jessica's Travels

[Purdy Bear]

I wish a constructive critique on the following please. It is the first part of a book I have finished and has been posted on the internet in another subject forum.

If there are Grammar problems, please be specific and give examples of how it should be.

Thank you for your time with this matter.

Purdy



JESSICA'S TRAVELS

She should have known when she woke up, something wasn't quite right. It was just too quiet. No television blarred out from downstairs, nothing was heard from next doors teenagers. All this didn't seem to sink in until she had a nice hot shower, suddenly it made her frown, it was normally cold.

Stepping over the rim of the bath, she took a large bath-towel to cover her modesty, and peeked round the door into the corridor beyond. She listened with a keen ear, as she padded along the landing and looked down to the bottom of the stairs. No lights!

Not wanting to face what ever was happening unclothed, she quickly darted into her cluttered room, and dressed quickly. Finally feeling secure in her usual jeans, T-shirt, and mules, she went back to the top of the stairs. No sound of the radio.

She tried to think of any appointment she had missed. Finally having no other option, she crept down the stairs, and glanced into the front room. It was just like it was yesterday.

Swinging to the right, she went into the next room, which was always dark and flipped the light switch. It didnt work. Surprised she tried it several times, but with no luck.

Then she realised what it was, there was no electricity, even the tropical fish tank sat in darkness. Thinking quickly she went to the cupboard and checked the fuse board. She wasnt sure what she was looking for but everything looked ok there.

She felt puzzled. She went to the front windows and looked over the road infront, there were no cars, no people, nothing.

Suddenly her legs felt weak and she sat down on the chair close by. There was no one. Nothing in a busy street. There were always people outside but now the place was deserted.

What could have happened?

Running upstairs she checked the rooms, her parents, her brothers, the family dog, had all disappeared and their things had gone.

Rushing backdown stairs, she opened the lid of the fish tank, to see the bodies of her golden friends floating on the top. They had obviously been dead for sometime.

Running to the kitchen, at the back of the house, she grabbed the radio and turned its crank for a few moments, then began to try to find a station. There was a hiss of nothingness.

Walking dazed she returned to the front room to try the world radio, praying that the batteries worked. It did, she could hear the astronomy noise but little else. No radio station on the planet was broadcasting, not even the comforting sounds of morse code.

She went to sit on the sofa, and looked out into the distance. How long she sat she didnt know, it was the sound of her loudly rumbling stomache that got her to move back into the kitchen. There must be something to eat.

The cupboard looked raided but she knew her mother never kept much in. She found an old packet of cereal, she sniffed it and turned up her nose. Looking at another shelf she saw a tin of hot dogs, opened it, and took the first bite. Cold, salty brine of sausage first thing on a Monday. Finishing those, she found a tin of peaches and gobled them up too.

Taking the can with her, she went to the phone and dialed 999, the emergency number for the UK where she lived. It went over to an automated service.

"After the evacuation, all innoculations will be carried out. Please contact your local council office for further information"

Council offices she thought. They were at the local town, she would have to go there and see what was up. Maybe she could be put back with her family. Maybe they had more food. Maybe, just maybe, they hadnt really forgotten her!

It didn't take her long to get ready. Her bag, with a bottle of water, door keys, mobile phone...


MOBILE PHONE, she quickly got it out and tried to dial her family, but there was no signal, she checked messages, there was one. With her heart pounding in her chest, she opened it, it was from her snotty brother -

"Who's got the last laugh now!"


He had done it deliberately!

Then she realised it was dated two weeks ago, when she had bet him that his local football team (he was the goaly) wouldnt win, but they had. There was nothing new, she'd always been good at deleteing her previous messages, hundreds a day from her school friends.

She checked her photo section of the phone and found the picture of her family and one of her dearly departed Grandma. She carressed the screen, as if to magic them back to her.

Putting the phone away, she rechecked her bag, added her small purse, and then headed out the door, her coat in her hand. The door slammed behind her.

Walking into the village close by, she found it deserted, the shop doors strangly left open. It was only after waiting for a bus for half-an-hour did she realise it wasn't coming. So she began to walk, nothing passed her, she heard nothing, saw no one.

It was a tough walk, up hill to the local town, it took her a good hour or so. She arrived outside the council office, and found them in darkness, the door was open so she went inside. Things were strewn round the lobby as if someone wild had got in there. Picking up one of the leaflets, it was about council housing rules.

"Hello, is anyone there?", she called "Hello, anyone!"

Again nothing. She hesitated and looked around, went toward the glass devide wall and tried to look inside, nothing but darkness and the silence.

Hearing a sudden noise from outside, she rushed out the door onto the main road. As she did, she saw the black bird fly off into the distance.

So she wasn't totally alone.

Her stomach began to rumble again, so she turned and walked into the Center, taking a sip from her water. It was a lovely day, warm with a cool breeze, not a cloud in the sky.

She saw the large supermarket, its lights were on no doubt from a standby generator. Running over to it, she hesitated for a second, and picked up a basket.

"Hallo is anyone there?" she called tip-toeing into the fruit section "Hallo, people, staff, ANYONEEEEEE" but again she was just met with the flourescent hum of the lighting overhead, they flickered.

Picking up a few bits of fruit, she went to the sandwich section and found it bare, all the bread had gone. She checked the freezer section, someone had packed the food in tones of ice, she found a packet of chips and fish fingers, some ice lollies. They were a little bit mushy but smelt ok.

Going down the isles, she found lots of canned food, just left around in the large crates they had come in. Finding some cake mix she added them as well, oh and some boiled sweets, no chocolate was left.

Going to the counter, she wasnt sure what to do. Taking out her money she left a five pound note, and put it under a pen on the till. Taking some plastic bags she filled them up, and then dutifully took the basket back and left it on the top of the pile.

Feeling a big fatigued, she took a ice lolly, unwrapped it and began to suck on it. She felt the sugar rush straight away. Not sure what to do next, she stood in the doorway for a while.

She was an thirteen year old, stuck in the middle of something she didnt understand, without an adult or anyone to help. Feeling suddenly very vunerable, she started for home. She'd given her Mum hell about having more space, to do her own thing, well it had just come back and bit her on the backside.

Walking down the hill, she hoped to seen some sign, anything of human habitation, but there was nothing, just rows and rows of roof tops. She did some some more birds, but they seemed unphased.

After finishing the lolly, she ate a few bits of fruit, and by the time she was reaching the village, although tired from all the exercise, she felt somewhat refreshed.

Arriving at home, she felt a sudden relief. The key opened the door and she slipped inside. She went to the toilet and flushed. The water supply for now seemed to be working.

Unloading her shopping, she checked the fridge, it was cool but not cold, so she put some of her stuff in it, just to keep it safe from what she didnt know.

She walked into the sitting room, lay down on the sofa, and fell asleep.

 

[Xelah]

Hi Purdy, I'll give it a twice over. Forgive any Americanisms.

Something I changed directly, usually some kind of error
Something I think you should change

Also note: At a point, I mention your protagonist is coming off as a dimwit. Please don't interpret that as a negative attack and read the rest of what I have to say there.

JESSICA'S TRAVELS

She should have known when she woke up; something wasn't quite right. It was just too quiet. No television blarred out from downstairs; nothing was heard from next doors teenagers. All this didn't seem to sink in until she had a nice hot shower, suddenly it made her frown, it was normally cold. This last sentence is a bit long winded. It's got three sets of subject verb agreement. Either break it up or streamline it. (future instances will be flagged simply with "run on")

Stepping over the rim of the bath, she took a large bath-towel to cover her modestyremove the comma here, this is a compound predicate, not a compound sentence. No comma is needed. and peeked round the door into the corridor beyond. She listened with a keen ear, as she padded along the landing and looked down to the bottom of the stairs.This sentence just feels funny. You've got Jessica(?) sensing, doing, then sensing. I'd change it to walking, then seeing and listening, or seeing and listening, then walking. No lights!

Not wanting to face what ever was happening unclothed, she quickly darted into her cluttered room, and dressed quickly. Finally feeling secure in her usual jeans, T-shirt, and mules, she went back to the top of the stairs. No sound of the radio. I think the reader would be able to understand that the power is out. You've already got the quiet from the TV being off. This either belongs with that or not at all.

She tried to think of any appointment she had missed(This needs further explanation). Finally having no other option, she crept down the stairscomma removal and glanced into the front room. It was just like it was yesterday.This doesn't explain anything the reader. I know you know what yesterday was like, but the reader doesn't.

Swinging to the right, she went into the next room, which was always dark and flipped the light switch. It didnt work. Surprised she tried it several times, but with no luck.

Then she realised what it was, there was no electricity, even the tropical fish tank sat in darkness Why isn't that her first thought with a dark quiet house?. Thinking quickly (After taking a shower in the dark, getting dressed, and wandering downstairs without noticing the lights are out? I'm not buying the quick thinking. I realize she's a young person, but your protagonist is coming off as a bit of a dimwit. Don't get me wrong, I've read some entertaining novels where the protagonist stumbles through the novel, just need some consistency. Something that can help alleviate the illusion of dimwitted-ness, is to have something about your protagonist not being much of a morning person and just not noticing. My house could be on fire, but I'm not going to notice until I have caffeine in my hands.)she went to the cupboard and checked the fuse board. She wasnt sure what she was looking for but everything looked ok there.

She felt puzzled. She went to the front windows and looked over the road infront, there were no cars, no people, nothing.

Suddenly her legs felt weak and she sat down on the chair close by. There was no one. Nothing in a busy street. There were always people outside but now the place was deserted.

What could have happened?

Running upstairs she checked the rooms, her parents, her brothers, the family dog, had all disappeared and their things had gone.

Rushing back (add a space here)down stairs, she opened the lid of the fish tank, to see the bodies of her golden friends floating on the top. They had obviously obvious how? been dead for sometime.

Running to the kitchen, at the back of the house, she grabbed the radio and turned its crank for a few moments, then began to try to find a station. There was a hiss of nothingness.I'm going to mention this here. You've got a fair number of passive voice sentences. You should strive for more active voice, it keeps the reader locked in.

Walking dazed she returned to the front room to try the world radio, praying that the batteries worked. They (you switched from talking about a singular object, to multiple objects, back to the first object without any signal of the return. Use they here to continue about the batteries) did. She could hear the astronomy noise but little else. No radio station on the planet was broadcasting, not even the comforting sounds of morse code.

She went to sit on the sofa, and looked out into the distance. How long she sat she didnt know, it was the sound of her loudly rumbling stomache that got her to move back into the kitchen. There must be something to eat.

The cupboard looked raided, but she knew her mother never kept much in. She found an old packet of cereal, she sniffed it and turned up her nose. Looking at another shelf she saw a tin of hot dogs, opened it, and took the first bite. Cold, salty brine of sausage first thing on a Monday. Finishing those, she found a tin of peaches and gobled them up too.

Taking the can with her, she went to the phone and dialed 999, the emergency number for the UK where she lived. It went over to an automated service. No radio stations in the world are broadcasting, but the phones are still working?

"After the evacuation, all innoculations will be carried out. Please contact your local council office for further information"

Council offices she thought. They were at the local town, she would have to go there and see what was up. Maybe she could be put back with her family. Maybe they had more food. Maybe, just maybe, they hadnt really forgotten her!

It didn't take her long to get ready. Her bag, with a bottle of water, door keys, mobile phone...


MOBILE PHONE, she quickly got it out and tried to dial her family, but there was no signal, she checked messages, there was one run-on sentence. With her heart pounding in her chest, she opened it, it was from her snotty brother -

"Who's got the last laugh now!"


He had done it deliberately!

Then she realised it was dated two weeks ago, when she had bet him that his local football team (he was the goalie) wouldnt win, but they had. There was nothing new, she'd always been good at deleteing her previous messages, hundreds a day from her school friends.

She checked her photo section of the phone and found the picture of her family and one of her dearly departed Grandma. She carressed the screen, as if to magic them back to her.

Putting the phone away, she rechecked her bag, added her small purse, and then headed out the door, her coat in her hand. The door slammed behind her.

Walking into the village close by, she found it deserted, the shop doors strangly left open. It was only after waiting for a bus for half-an-hour did she realise it wasn't coming. So she began to walk, nothing passed her, she heard nothing, saw no one.

It was a tough walk, up hill to the local town, it took her a good hour or so. She arrived outside the council office, and found them in darkness, the door was open so she went inside.run on Things were strewn round the lobby as if someone wild had got in there. Picking up one of the leaflets, it was about council housing rules.

"Hello, is anyone there?", she called "Hello, anyone!"

Again nothing. She hesitated and looked around, went toward the glass devide wall and tried to look inside, nothing but darkness and the silence.

Hearing a sudden noise from outside, she rushed out the door onto the main road. As she did, she saw the black bird fly off into the distance.

So she wasn't totally alone.

Her stomach began to rumble again, so she turned and walked into the Center Is this a proper noun? If not, don't capitalize it., taking a sip from her water. It was a lovely day, warm with a cool breeze, not a cloud in the sky.

She saw the large supermarket, its lights were on no doubt from a standby generator. Running over to it, she hesitated for a second, and picked up a basket. Having worked in a grocery store, I know most would have only a few hours of fuel, not enough time to let fish die and be dead for a while.

"Hallo is anyone there?" she called tip-toeing into the fruit section "Hallo, people, staff, ANYONEEEEEE" but again she was just met with the flourescent hum of the lighting overhead, they flickered.

Picking up a few bits of fruit, she went to the sandwich section and found it bare, all the bread had gone. She checked the freezer section, someone had packed the food in tones of ice, she found a packet of chips and fish fingers, some ice lollies. They were a little bit mushy but smelled(smelt has to do with metalurgy, not your nose) ok.

Going down the aislesisles are islands, she found lots of canned food, just left around in the large crates they had come in. Finding some cake mix she added them as well, oh and some boiled sweets, no chocolate was left.a bit of a run on again

Going to the counter, she wasnt sure what to do. Taking out her money she left a five pound note, and put it under a pen on the till. Taking some plastic bags she filled them up, and then dutifully took the basket back and left it on the top of the pile.

Feeling a big fatigued, she took a ice lolly, unwrapped it and began to suck on it. She felt the sugar rush straight away. Not sure what to do next, she stood in the doorway for a while.

She was a thirteen year old, stuck in the middle of something she didnt understand, without an adult or anyone to help. Feeling suddenly very vunerable, she started for home. She'd given her Mum hell about having more space, to do her own thing, well it had just come back and bit her on the backside.run on

Walking down the hill, she hoped to see some sign, anything of human habitation, but there was nothing, just rows and rows of roof tops. She did see some more birds, but they seemed unphased.

After finishing the lolly, she ate a few bits of fruit, and by the time she was reached the village, although tired from all the exercise, she felt somewhat refreshed. run on

Arriving at home, she felt a sudden relief. The key opened the door and she slipped inside. She went to the toilet and flushed. The water supply for now seemed to be working. Things "seem" a lot in your work. This is just a personal pet peeve, but things are or they are not. Seeming takes away from the rest of the words used.

Unloading her shopping, she checked the fridge, it was cool but not cold, so she put some of her stuff in it, just to keep it safe from what she didnt know.run on

She walked into the sitting room, lay down on the sofa, and fell asleep.

 

[Interference]

JESSICA'S TRAVELS

She should have known when she woke up(,) not necessary to separate, or that something wasn't quite right. It was just too quiet a little cliched. No television bla(r)red out from downstairs, nothing was heard from next door's teenagers. (All this didn't seem) None of this seemed to sink in until she'd had a nice, hot shower, then suddenly it made her frown:(,) it was normally cold. (or it should have been cold)

I think I'll leave the rest of the nit-picking to others better skilled in such matters.

Stepping over the rim of the bath, she took a large bath-towel to cover her modesty, and peeked round the door into the corridor beyond. She listened with a keen ear, as she padded along the landing and looked down to the bottom of the stairs. No lights! (We're given to think, until now, that it is daylight, probably morning or mid-morning at the latest. Perhaps specify a light that would normally be on.)

Not wanting to face what ever was happening unclothed, she quickly darted into her cluttered room, and dressed quickly. Finally feeling secure in her usual jeans, T-shirt, and mules, she went back to the top of the stairs. No sound of the radio. (Since it's already established there's no TV blaring, which radio would she be listening for?)

She tried to think of any appointment she had missed. Finally having no other option, she crept down the stairs, and glanced into the front room. It was just like it had been left was yesterday.

Swinging to the right, she went into the next room, which was always dark and flipped the light switch. It didnt work. Surprised she tried it several times, but with no luck.

Then she realised what it was, there was no electricity, even the tropical fish tank sat in darkness. (Her initial thought here might be concern for the tropical fish, perhaps wondering how long they had been left i n this cold, dark tank, possibly giving the reader an indicator as well) Thinking quickly she went to the cupboard and checked the fuse board. She wasnt sure what she was looking (although she is looking for something out of place. Perhaps show to the reader that nothing stands out as wrong, all the switches pointing in the same direction, for instance. Btw, has she a torch for this?) for but everything looked ok there.

She felt puzzled. She went to the front windows and looked over the road infront, there were no cars, no people, nothing.

Suddenly her legs felt weak and she sat down on the chair close by. (Not sure, here. I think you bring the pace down just as you might be thinking about lifting it. There may be more drama in her pacing, confused and uncertain) There was no one. Nothing in a busy street. There were always people outside but now the place was deserted.

What could have happened?

Running upstairs she checked the rooms, her parents, her brothers, the family dog, had all disappeared and their things had gone. Nice, fast-paced, swiftly cut. See what I mean about the pace?

Rushing back down stairs, she opened the lid of the fish tank, to see the bodies of her golden friends floating on the top. They had obviously been dead for sometime. (Nice again, but I'd suggest doing it earlier as the first real hint of potential harm - bearing in mind I haven't read all yet so I don't know what you have planned)

Running to the kitchen, at the back of the house, she grabbed the radio and turned its crank for a few moments, then began to try to find a station. There was a hiss of nothingness. (I might be tempted to extend this just a little. A couple of cranks and nothing, a few more and maybe a light in the dial comes on. A furious 30 seconds rewarded with only the hiss)

Walking dazed (perplexed? confused?) she returned to the front room to try the world radio, praying that the batteries worked. It did, she could hear the astronomy noise but little else. No radio station on the planet was broadcasting, not even the comforting sounds of morse code.

She went to sit on the sofa, and looked out into the distance. How long she sat she didnt know, it was the sound of her loudly rumbling stomache that got her to move back into the kitchen. There must be something to eat.

The cupboard looked raided but she knew her mother never kept much in. She found an old packet of cereal, she sniffed it and turned up her nose. Looking at another shelf she saw a tin of hot dogs, opened it, and took the first bite. Cold, salty brine of sausage first thing on a Monday. Finishing those, she found a tin of peaches and gobled them up too.

Taking the can with her, she went to the phone and dialed 999, the emergency number for the UK where she lived. It went over to an automated service.

"After the evacuation, all innoculations will be carried out. Please contact your local council office for further information"

I think this should be earlier, before she sits down and thinks of her stomach - Major questions: What evacuation? Does she know anything at all about this? Wouldn't she be shocked by this automated announcement cutting across her when she's expecting an operator? And inoculations. What thoughts will these two words put in her mind: evacuation; inoculation? Whatever the thoughts, it is these that will make her think of what follows ...

Council offices she thought. They were at the local town, she would have to go there and see what was up. Maybe she could be put back with her family. Maybe they had more food. Maybe, just maybe, they hadnt really forgotten her!

It didn't take her long to get ready. (Here is where she should grab somefood, hurriedly devouring it as she gets the bag and things together) Her bag, with a bottle of water, door keys, mobile phone...


MOBILE PHONE, she quickly got it out and tried to dial her family, but there was no signal, she checked messages, there was one. With her heart pounding in her chest, she opened it, it was from her snotty brother -

"Who's got the last laugh now!"


He had done it deliberately!

Then she realised it was dated two weeks ago, when she had bet him that his local football team (he was the goaly) wouldnt win, but they had. There was nothing new, she'd always been good at deleteing her previous messages, hundreds a day from her school friends.

She checked her photo section of the phone and found the picture of her family and one of her dearly departed Grandma. She carressed the screen, as if to magic them back to her.

Putting the phone away, she rechecked her bag, added her small purse, and then headed out the door, her coat in her hand. The door slammed behind her.

Walking into the village close by, she found it deserted, the shop doors strangly left open. It was only after waiting for a bus for half-an-hour did she realise it wasn't coming. So she began to walk, nothing passed her, she heard nothing, saw no one. (I think I'd like a little more description here. The reader will be expecting either the presence or the absence of animals, birds, breezes, sounds off, and you should state here which of their expectations are most likely - by which time both the reader and your protagonist will know to stop waiting for the bus)

It was a tough walk, up hill to the local town, it took her a good hour or so. She arrived outside the council office, and found them in darkness, the door was open so she went inside. Things were strewn round the lobby as if someone(thing?) wild had got in there. Picking up one of the leaflets, it was about council housing rules.

"Hello, is anyone there?", she called (allow a breath as she listens for a reply. she might hear an echo coming back to her or a window swinging in the draft or anything at all) "Hello, anyone!"

Again nothing. She hesitated and looked around, went toward the glass devide wall and tried to look inside, nothing but darkness and the silence.

Hearing a sudden noise from outside, she rushed out the door onto the main road. As she did, she saw the black bird fly off into the distance.

So she wasn't totally alone.

Her stomach began to rumble again, so she turned and walked into the Center, taking a sip from her water. It was a lovely day, warm with a cool breeze, not a cloud in the sky. (this is the sort of thing I meant about earlier while she was waiting for the bus. It seems unlikely that after then and an hour's walk she would only start to notice these things now)

She saw the large supermarket, its lights were on no doubt from a standby generator. Running over to it, she hesitated for a second, and picked up a basket.

"Hallo is anyone there?" she called tip-toeing into the fruit section "Hallo, people, staff, ANYONEEEEEE" but again she was just met with the flourescent hum of the lighting overhead, they flickered.

Picking up a few bits of fruit, she went to the sandwich section and found it bare, all the bread had gone. She checked the freezer section, someone had packed the food in tones of ice, she found a packet of chips and fish fingers, some ice lollies. They were a little bit mushy but smelt ok.

Going down the isles, she found lots of canned food, just left around in the large crates they had come in. Finding some cake mix she added them as well, oh and some boiled sweets, no chocolate was left (like the last sweets in a selection box at Christmas ).

Going to the counter, she wasnt sure what to do. Taking out her money she left a five pound note, and put it under a pen on the till. Taking some plastic bags she filled them up, and then dutifully took the basket back and left it on the top of the pile.

Feeling a big fatigued, she took a ice lolly, unwrapped it and began to suck on it. She felt the sugar rush straight away. Not sure what to do next, she stood in the doorway for a while.

She was an thirteen year old (late revelation, I was already picturing someone in her mid- to late-teens, now I have to start picturing all over again) , stuck in the middle of something she didnt understand, without an adult or anyone to help. Feeling suddenly very vunerable, she started for home. She'd given her Mum hell about having more space, to do her own thing, well it had just come back and bit her on the backside.

Walking down the hill, she hoped to seen some sign, anything of human habitation, but there was nothing, just rows and rows of roof tops. She did some some more birds, but they seemed unphased.

After finishing the lolly, she ate a few bits of fruit, and by the time she was reaching the village, although tired from all the exercise, she felt somewhat refreshed.

Arriving at home, she felt a sudden relief. The key opened the door and she slipped inside. She went to the toilet and flushed. The water supply for now seemed to be working.

Unloading her shopping, she checked the fridge, it was cool but not cold, so she put some of her stuff in it, just to keep it safe from what she didnt know.

She walked into the sitting room, lay down on the sofa, and fell asleep.

Overall, this is a very intriguing intro to something. You set the scene nicely, allowing for my few notes which I suspect may make the set-up a little stronger, dramatically. My main point is that all the elements are already in your writing, though not necessarily in the most effective places. You leave me wondering what has happened and what will happen and that is a vitally important skill.

In terms of the writing itself, it has flaws which I suspect come more from your unwillingness to extend your observations than from any lack of talent. As such, I would consider this a first draft introduction which you will work on later and sharpen until it cuts straight to the point - the point being the involvement of the reader. I suspect, too, that you will abandon the idea of her going to sleep again just yet and maybe introduce your next dramatic hitpoint - the "other person" or the "wild dog" or whatever better idea you have in mind already for the story.

I'd encourage you to look into her emotions and reactions more closely on the next draft, using the gaps you've left here - the contracted actions, the quiet periods you've given her - to fill us in on what she knows or suspects or fears.

It's a bit of a pity she's so young, though as I say I don't know what you still intend. Maybe she needs to be this age so she can't just find a car somewhere and drive to the next town, or perhaps if she were older it would introduce complications you don't wish to address later, but for the moment she seems quite mature and sensible - or perhaps my experiences of being 13 are too far behind me to remember what sensible is at that age.

Finally, though, you have successfully gripped me with enough unanswered questions: Why has she been left behind/abandoned/imprisoned? What has happened and had she no forewarning of the evacuation (her first thought was of missing an appointment - a mature word, of course - not of missing the last bus out of town)? This will be a very good story and I look forward to seeing how you develop it.

As ever when I do this, all my comments are made with respect and appreciation for the hard work you have already put into this and are to be taken or ignored as your imagination and obvious talent desire.

 

[Interference]

Had another couple of thoughts since ... 1) An hour to walk to town - she should look for a bike (up to you whether she finds one or not) and 2) Walking back after being in town - maybe you should move the plot forward from the town, rather than returning us somewhere we're already explored. Yes, of course, anything can happen anywhere, but it would feel more progressive if we felt she was going to or being driven to somewhere else where the likelihood of finding out what's happened is greater.

 

[chrispenycate]

I've not read all the comments others have read, so there may well be duplications. Sorry about that. (Evil snicker -- you thought my being away for the Christmas celebrations would save you from this, didn't you?)

I wish a constructive critique on the following please. It is the first part of a book I have finished and has been posted on the internet in another subject forum.

If there are Grammar problems, please be specific and give examples of how it should be.

Thank you for your time with this matter.

Purdy



JESSICA'S TRAVELS

She should have known when she woke up, something wasn't quite right.

double sentence, but I suppose there is an implied "that"

It was just too quiet. No television blarred out from downstairs, nothing was heard from next doors

door's

teenagers. All this didn't seem to

the "seem to" waters it down, and is inessential

sink in until she had a nice hot shower, suddenly it made her frown, it was normally cold.

three sentences there; possibly a full stop after "shower" and a semicolon after "frown"?

Stepping over the rim of the bath, she took a large bath-towel to cover her modesty, and peeked round the door into the corridor beyond. She listened with a keen ear, as she padded along the landing and looked down to the bottom of the stairs. No lights!

Not wanting to face what ever was happening unclothed, she quickly darted into her cluttered room, and dressed quickly.

avoid repetition of "quickly"

Finally feeling secure in her usual jeans, T-shirt, and mules, she went back to the top of the stairs. No sound of the radio.

She tried to think of any appointment she had missed. Finally

comma

having no other option, she crept down the stairs,

no comma

and glanced into the front room. It was just like it was

"had been" (and, theoretically, "the day before", but thats not important

yesterday.

Swinging to the right, she went into the next room, which was always dark

comma

and flipped the light switch. It didnt

didn't

work. Surprised

comma

she tried it several times, but with no luck.

Then she realised what it was,

semicolon

there was no electricity,

full stop

even the tropical fish tank sat in darkness. Thinking quickly she went to the cupboard and checked the fuse board. She wasnt sure what she was looking for but everything looked ok there.

She felt puzzled. She went to the front windows and looked over the road in

space -- and I'd like to get rid of thr repetition of "front"

front, there were no cars, no people, nothing.

Suddenly her legs felt weak and she sat down on the chair close by. There was no one. Nothing in a

normally?

busy street. There were always people outside but now the place was deserted.

What could have happened?

Running upstairs she checked the rooms,

semicolon

her parents, her brothers, the family dog, had all disappeared and their things had gone.

Rushing back

space

down stairs, she opened the lid of the fish tank, to see the bodies of her golden friends floating on the top. They had obviously been dead for some

space

time.

Running to the kitchen, at the back of the house, she grabbed the radio and turned its crank for a few moments, then began to try to find a station. There was a hiss of nothingness.

Walking dazed she returned to the front room to try the world radio, praying that the batteries worked. It did, she could hear the astronomy noise

astronomy noise?

but little else. No radio station on the planet was broadcasting, not even the comforting sounds of morse code.

She went to sit on the sofa, and looked out into the distance. How long she sat she didnt

didn't

know,

semicolon

it was the sound of her loudly rumbling stomache that got her to move back into the kitchen. There must be something to eat.

sddenly present tense (internal thoughts) Perhaps some indication of changed POV?

The cupboard looked raided but she knew her mother never kept much in. She found an old packet of cereal,

Do you need that "she"? If so, that's two sentences

she sniffed it and turned up her nose. Looking at another shelf she saw a tin of hot dogs, opened it, and took the first bite. Cold, salty brine of sausage first thing on a Monday. Finishing those, she found a tin of peaches and gobled them up too.

Taking the can with her, she went to the phone and dialed 999, the emergency number for the UK where she lived. It went over to an automated service.

"After the evacuation, all innoculations will be carried out. Please contact your local council office for further information"

Council offices she thought. They were at the local town, she would have to go there and see what was up. Maybe she could be put back with her family. Maybe they had more food. Maybe, just maybe, they hadnt

hadn't

really forgotten her!

It didn't take her long to get ready. Her bag, with a bottle of water, door keys, mobile phone...


MOBILE PHONE,

more than a comma

she quickly got it out and tried to dial her family, but there was no signal, she checked messages, there was one. With her heart pounding in her chest, she opened it,

semicolon

it was from her snotty brother -

"Who's got the last laugh now!"


He had done it deliberately!

Then she realised it was dated two weeks ago, when she had bet him that his local football team (he was the goaly) wouldnt

wouldn't and isn't that "goalie"?

win, but they had. There was nothing new, she'd always been good at deleteing

deleting

her previous messages, hundreds a day from her school friends.

She checked her photo section of the phone and found the picture of her family and one of her dearly departed

Nitpick (what isn't, here?) but it's not really the departure that was 'dear'. "Dear, departed" possibly? dep

Grandma. She carressed

caressed

the screen, as if to magic them back to her.

Putting the phone away, she rechecked her bag, added her small purse, and then headed out the door, her coat in her hand. The door slammed behind her.

Walking into the village close by, she found it deserted, the shop doors strangly left open. It was

You don't need the "It was" if you're going for the "did she".

only after waiting for a bus for half-an-hour did she realise it wasn't coming. So she began to walk, nothing passed her, she heard nothing, saw no one.

Another multiple sentence glued together with commas. If you want to keep it as one unit you could "So she began to walk, nothing passing her, hearing nothing, seeing no one". or "So she began to walk; nothing passed her, she heard nothing and saw no one"

It was a tough walk, uphill to the local town, it took her a good hour or so.

don't mix the "good" with the "or so"

She arrived outside the council office, and found them

"it" rather than "them"?

in darkness,

Full stop

the door was open so she went inside. Things were strewn round the lobby as if someone wild had got in there. Picking up one of the leaflets, it was about council housing rules.

"Hello, is anyone there?",

no comma

she called "Hello, anyone!"

Again nothing. She hesitated and looked around, went toward the glass devide

dividing

wall and tried to look inside,

semicolon

nothing but darkness and the silence.

Hearing a sudden noise from outside, she rushed out the door onto the main road. As she did, she saw the black bird fly off into the distance.

So she wasn't totally alone.

Her stomach began to rumble again, so she turned and walked into the Center, taking a sip from her water. It was a lovely day, warm with a cool breeze, not a cloud in the sky.

She saw the large supermarket,

Full stop

its lights were on

comma

no doubt from a standby generator. Running over to it, she hesitated for a second, and picked up a basket.

"Hallo is anyone there?" she called

comma

tip-toeing into the fruit section "Hallo, people, staff, ANYONEEEEEE"

extending the unpronounced 'e' at the end of the word doesn't prolong it, it converts the end into a scream

but again she was just met with the flourescent hum of the lighting overhead, they flickered.

I'll accept (with protest) a 'fluorescent (spelling) hum', but, if it's lighting (singular) it flickered. Or even "which flickered"

Picking up a few bits of fruit, she went to the sandwich section and found it bare, all the bread had

if you keep the (unnecessary) "had" this is two sentences

gone. She checked the freezer section, someone had packed the food in tones

"tons", or, if you're feeling metric "tonnes". But I doubt it was musical ice.

of ice, she found a packet of chips and fish fingers, some ice lollies. They were a little bit mushy but smelt ok.

If the lighting was off generator, wouldn't the feezers be too?

Going down the isles

aisles

, she found lots of canned food, just left around in the large crates they had come in. Finding some cake mix she added them

it? (singular/plural)

as well, oh and some boiled sweets, no chocolate was left.

Going to the counter, she wasnt sure what to do. Taking out her money she left a five pound note, and put it under a pen on the till. Taking some plastic bags she filled them up, and then dutifully took the basket back and left it on the top of the pile.

Feeling a big fatigued, she took a ice lolly, unwrapped it and began to suck on it. She felt the sugar rush straight away. Not sure what to do next, she stood in the doorway for a while.

She was an thirteen year old, stuck in the middle of something she didnt understand, without an adult or anyone to help. Feeling suddenly very vunerable

vulnerable

, she started for home. She'd given her Mum hell about having more space, to do her own thing,

semicolon

well it had just come back and bit

bitten

her on the backside.

Walking down the hill, she hoped to seen

had hoped to see? (anyway, "to see")

some sign, anything of human habitation

The houses are human "habitation". What she missed was human presence.

, but there was nothing, just rows and rows of roof tops. She did

see

some some more birds, but they seemed unphased.

After finishing the lolly, she ate a few bits of fruit, and by the time she was reaching the village, although tired from all the exercise, she felt somewhat refreshed.

Arriving at home, she felt a sudden relief. The key opened the door and she slipped inside. She went to the toilet and flushed. The water supply for now

'd put that "for now" at the beginning or end of the sentence.

seemed to be working.

Unloading her shopping, she checked the fridge,

semicolon

it was cool but not cold, so she put some of her stuff in it, just to keep it safe

Full stop

from what she didnt

didn't

know.

She walked into the sitting room, lay down on the sofa, and fell asleep.

 

[Purdy Bear]

Thanks for all your critques.

It has just convinced me to keep my writing to myself and not bother with publishing! Or, even and when I get loads of rediculous amounts of money, pay someone to edit for me.

 

[Boneman]

by Purdy Bear
It has just convinced me to keep my writing to myself and not bother with publishing! Or, even and when I get loads of rediculous amounts of money, pay someone to edit for me.

Don't you dare do that!!! That's why the chrons are here, and you have to remember it's only our opinions that we're offering.

I wrote the first draft of my book in 2006, and I thought it was pretty good. When I actually read it now, I cringe at so many of the oh so basic mistakes I made, and my current draft (number 6...or was it 7...?) is so much stronger, but it's still not perfect, but I'm working on it.

I joined the chrons in November 2008, and even some of the work I posted then has changed enormously, thanks to the advice and suggestions I got. But I didn't take it all, some I totally disagreed with, and that, in itself, strengthened me as a writer, because it reinforced what I wanted to do - if you defend your work, and you know you're right, then it can only help.

I've offered my personal opinion on others' work and had it disagreed with, which is good, because there's no way on God's earth that I'm right all the time. If there was, I'd have 20 books published, and be relaxing in the Maldives right now as a tax exile...

Please don't work in isolation, you're always too close to your own creation to see where it can be improved/changed. Of course criticism (we call it critiques, so it doesn't sound as bad) of your creation can upset you, but you can always disagree with it and ignore it. What do we know, anyway?

If you read a critique of your work, look for the ones who say 'this doesn't work because....' as opposed to those who say 'this doesn't work' and see if the former makes any sense, any tiny bit at all. The latter is only offering their personal opinion, and if you try and please everyone, you may as well give up now, because (and it's been said so many times on threads all over the Chrons) essentially you are writing for yourself, and yourself only. But if you agree that it could be improved, then read the advice and see if it works: you can always come back and say "tried that, here's the next draft, what do you think?" And in this way, your writing will improve, you'll be happier with it, and get more out of it.

And join a writing group: form your own if there isn't one near you, and start offering critiques of your fellows (here and in the group). I firmly believe the biggest boost to my own writing has been analysing and offering advice on others' work: I often stop and think, as I'm critiquing: 'ooh, I do this a lot....must review my own work'. It's a way of distancing yourself from your own creation, and teaching yourself at the same time.

But I beg of you, keep posting! You have a strong storytelling voice, and a good start to a story already (the only reason I didn't critique it, was that it was too long to do justice to...), and if you've already written the book, then congratulations - 100,000 people say they're going to write a book, 50,000 start, 25,000 give up after four chapters, 20,000 put it to one side with the intention of coming back to it 'some time', 4,000 just run out of ideas and lose interest, and of the last 1,000, only 100 actually do anything more with it, once it's finished. Of that 100, 90 will give up within 2 years and that leaves 10 out of 100,000 and they're all here on the chrons, working away at their book, changing/improving/editing/learning.*

Don't be one of the 90, be one of the 10: stick with it, and you can only improve and get closer to the dream of being published. There is so much free advice on this site it's impossible to cover it all, so I always list any great sites that are constantly offered in my 'Favourites' file - I still haven't worked through them all, but joining a writing group last year was the best thing I've ever done, and I found it through the chrons!

So don't back off from free advice and help - embrace it, chew it up, spit out what makes you really sick, digest the rest, and I promise you that you will be a better writer and possible a better person because of it. That's not bad for free, is it?

*Okay, I made up those figures, but you get the idea. If you click on my avatar name, and then find threads started by me, I'm pretty certain I posted the real figures - they're possibly even more startling than those above. You could always google and find the real figures... see this site, for instance - she says 3% finish: www.bookcatcher.com/articles/dont-give-up-on-writing-that-novel.php

 

[The Judge]

Purdy, while it is true that your work is not yet up to publishable standards, there is no need for you to hide it away. And while for most people, editing isn't as much fun as the initial writing, it is just as -- more! -- important. We all have to learn to edit our own work, both in the larger aspects and in the line editing of punctuation etc. You simply have to work at it. Writing is like any other skill -- talent is important, but for those of us who are not geniuses, it has to be supplemented by hard work.

So, think hard about the advice which has been given, read some good articles on grammar and punctuation, and start the next draft!

J

PS Boneman wasn't here when I started (must learn to type faster...) -- but I second everything he says.

 

[Nik]

Sorry for late post...

Punctuation etc aside, I was reluctant to comment on this tale because I don't understand adolescents' oft-bizarre thought processes.

( To be precise, I am ignorant of the extent of my ignorance... ;-))

Mishap handling takes experience and training. Unless J is a Guides or StJohns member, she's a babe in the woods...

Given that, Jessica's apparent illogic is plausible: The obvious isn't, essentials aren't etc etc...

Whatever, as I've learned from SFF's feedback, even the best tales may benefit from yet another tweaking.

 

[Gary Compton]

I concur with Boneman and Judge above, and as a man who is rubbish at grammar and punctuation and have had that pointed out many times in critiques.

You've got to grasp the nettle.

Like Boneman says, when I read my first draft now, I laugh. I didnt even understand POV for God's sake!

I've had Crispy do me over a few times, the old Spitfire pilot that he is. He creeps up behind you and opens up with a barrage of grammar and you crash and burn. (I love him really )

But it's all good advice and you have to sit down with a coffee and take it all onboard. It's the only way to learn. I doubt many published writers started with perfect prose, like us they would have learnt their craft by getting feedback from others.

So consequently I'm going to be getting tutored from an English teacher over the next few months as I want to improve. And you should keep writing as your story has great potential.

Chin up!!

 

[Interference]

Hi, Purdy, and happy New Year to ya. Now, you see what you've done? What everyone has said is true, though, this is THE BEST PLACE IN THE WORLD for learning, developing and becoming wonderful.

Everyone here is your supporter and friend. No one has any but your best interests at heart. Here is where you will learn what professional readers are thinking but never ever say. By posting to people with no vested interested or family connection, you get the unvarnished truth of many people's opinions. It could take months or years to get the same quality of advice and opinion from different publishers.

You get two different types of read here: The Grammarian Analysis that picks up and points out your drifting punctuation, syntax and grammar and the Stylists who notice things like pace, drama, plot and character (with crossovers as you'd expect). It's like having your brain working on three aspects of the creative process for you. First, the Get It Down and see where it takes you brain. Then the Fix That Bit brain. And then the Look What Happens When I Do That brain.

So please stick at it. Don't make me come over there, all right?

 

[chrispenycate]

I'm going to join the general trend; take it as a challenge, not a put down. Tell me where I can hide my red pen. Say to yourself 'what does he know'? (and you may well be right).

But above all say 'I'll show him', and do so.

You have a tale to tell -- don't let us stand in your way.

 

[Xelah]

Thanks for all your critques.

It has just convinced me to keep my writing to myself and not bother with publishing! Or, even and when I get loads of rediculous amounts of money, pay someone to edit for me.

Why would you do a silly thing like that? That's one thing that's wrecked my writing more than anything more than anything else.

I live in the bible belt and write about voodoo frequently. I couldn't get any help locally, so here I am. In the handful of replies I've gotten here, I've been able to start seeing in my own writing stuff that I'm sure has had my work tossed into the slush pile.

3 weeks here > Years in real life critique group.

Keep posting. You'll get better. Did any of your watercolors in kindergarten look good? Probably not to anyone other than your mother. Writing is the same way. You need coaching and support.

 

[Purdy Bear]

Just deciding how to progress.

1 Do I carry on writing while learning?

2 Do I pay out for a private teacher?

3 Do I do a free online course?

4. Other.

Since Iv wanted to write books for some 32 years not sure I could stop even if I wanted too.


The problem is I dont understand half the critiques! RFLOL

Got to laugh really!
Purdy

 

[The Judge]

Just deciding how to progress.

1 Do I carry on writing while learning?

Yes. Ultimately, the only way to improve your writing is to write.

2 Do I pay out for a private teacher?

It depends on (a) whether you can afford to do this and (b) what the teacher can teach you. If you know you have problems with specifics like spelling, punctuation and grammar, and you don't find it easy to pick up things by reading self-help books, then yes I think that having someone sit down one-to-one with you will be useful. Not only will it make your work look more professional, it will give you increased confidence. Do you need to pay someone, though? Do you not know anyone who can teach you for free?

3 Do I do a free online course?

I've no idea what the courses are like, nor what they teach. Have a look around though, and investigate them.

4. Other.

(a) join a critique group. I know Xelah has had a less than happy experience, but on the other hand, my small group is excellent. I get enthusiasm, enough praise to give me confidence, enough criticism to spur me forward, a deadline to get work ready, and ready sympathy for the pain and pleasure of writing. Oh. And cake. Like any group, much will depend on whether you find the other members congenial, and whether they know what they are talking about. So, investigate whether there are any in your area and go along to a few meetings. If it doesn't work out, then you've lost nothing.
(b) learn to critique other people's work. If you join a group you'll need to do this anyway. As with all things, the way to learn is to watch others doing it and then practice. So, go back into this forum, read a few pieces, find one you like and then try to work out why you like it. Then read the critiques of that piece and see if they are saying the same thing as you or not. And keep doing it. As I said before, this is work. You might not find it easy, but it is necessary.
(c) read. Read for pleasure, but read with your brain engaged - ask yourself why has the author done this and not that; how has she achieved this feeling; why does she use this word?
(d) carry on posting here - but you'll get more responses if you use shorter extracts.

Good luck

J

 

[Xelah]

Just deciding how to progress.

1 Do I carry on writing while learning?

Yes. Despite my childhood dreams of playing in the Superbowl, not playing football (American) in the last 13 years hasn't at all helped move that forward.

2 Do I pay out for a private teacher?

Are they credible? How much do you think you will get out of them teaching you? I'd check the free options first.

3 Do I do a free online course?

Couldn't hurt. Worst case scenario, you only waste a few hours of time. Best case scenario, you come away with more tools in your wiring toolbox.

4. Other.

Since Iv wanted to write books for some 32 years not sure I could stop even if I wanted too.


The problem is I dont understand half the critiques! RFLOL

Got to laugh really!
Purdy

It would help both sides of the critiquing process if you could tell exactly what you don't understand. If it's anything in mine, feel free to PM me if you aren't comfortable discussing it here.

--X

 

[Interference]

Agreed, we're all more than willing to clarify anything that seems awkward to you - we have egos, too, you know

 

[Gary Compton]

Agreed, we're all more than willing to clarify anything that seems awkward to you - we have egos, too, you know

Best advice I can give is get rid of your ego. I dont think I've ever seen anybody get 100% praise on here.

I once started a thread on Dan Brown on here who has sold 81 million books. Not bad eh?

And yet their are 1000's of people who say he's a crap writer and on here alot of members were vociferous in their re-buttle of his alleged writing skills.

The fact is you will please all of the people some of the time, and some of the people all of the time but you will never please all of the people all of the time.


That's publishing, another man's passion is someone else's poison - it's subjective.

Open your mind to criticism and your writing will improve immensely

My boy's say woof! by the way.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

Purdy:

First off, I didn't wade into your extract - It was a bit long and others had given it going over and they seem to have covered a lot, so I didn't see the need to add anything.

However, I have been here nearly two years now (much like yourself) and yet I haven't had the courage to submit any of my efforts to the meat shredder that is the critiques section. So you're well in front of me.

As Gary said, when I read my stuff now I see a lot of issues that need correcting/re-writing and cringe at my naivety. Still I came here to learn and I find that critiquing (more importantly, reading critiques of others) is the best way to learn about the good the bad and the ugly.

Join in, get a few more examples critiqued.

As someone said somewhere, possibly in this thread, three weeks in the critiques area is a good three years of family and friends and self appraisal.

The advantage of short extracts is that you'll get more responses - you don't need a great dollop of text to see if people basically think it's OK or crap and you don't get deflated when people say the whole chapter need re-writing.

 

[2ndchance]

Purdy,

When I started (2008) on here my writing was awful, even by my (I am dyslexic) standards, I can see this now when I look back as Boneman said earlier.

I believe there are three main ingredients for a good author:

1. Tenacity
2. Imagination
3. English, i.e. grammar and punctuation.

I believe you are born with the first two, you can learn the third. Obviously, there are things such as pace, flow, and dialogue, but these will come once you have the above three in place. Listen to what the guys on here say, especially the ones who say ‘it is because,’ and give you an example.

I think it is like looking for £50 all in pennies. Get the pennies on the table, and then start sorting them into £1 piles, and go from there. Even a couple of months ago I didn’t know the difference between past continuous / perfect / simple etc. Suddenly the penny dropped and I knocked up a 500 word piece to test my understanding, pitched it on here, and bingo, almost perfect, grammatically speaking. I did this with the help form the people on here.

I hope this helps. Trust me, my writing was awful when I started on here, and although I still have some way to go, I do now know what it should look like. Whatever you do, do not give up or hide away, take the hits and get up and come back fighting. You will get there, if I managed it, I am sure you can, coz’ your writing is soooo much stronger than mine was when I started.

Steve, was stupid, now just thick...