My assignment Number 1

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Purdy Bear

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I love a lot of science fiction my favourite autho
I decided to write a piece as often as I could and to try to expand my imagination, so I came up with the following:

The assignment: To pick one picture from a magazine and write
a small piece about it. There is no time limit or word length.

Here is what I wrote, I'll tell you what the picture was at the
end:


I'm not sure how it happened! I was just going about my normal
day, walking along the street texting a friend, going for the
morning paper. The sun was shining, not a cloud in the sky,
just a warm breeze tickling with my hair.

When suddenly, everyone was hit by this beam of bright light
coming from the depths of the sky. It made me fizz all over,
then pulsate, I could feel things beginning to change. People
were screaming around me, from the old to the young.

My feet started to change, gone were the shoes replaced by
wooden roots that reached down through the pavement into the
deep ground below. It was travelling up my body like a quick
shock wave. Then my body was gone into a trunk, my arms turned into branches. I screamed as my lungs gave their final breath.

Just before my eyes were covered in a vail of bark I glanced
around to see everyone else being turned into trees as well.
In the distance people were running from the beam but there was
no escape for them. The last thing to go was my hair, it took a while to turn into leaves and blossom.

That was some fifty years ago, and I can barely remember being
that other person. Looking back, I realise now, it was the
saving of me.

Now, I hum in my tree voice to others close by. We have had
some good conversations. For the first years, it was how we had got into this predicament. Some said it was a U.F.O. but I
never saw anything like that. Then we went quite for a while,
as everything slowly changed around us, the buildings began to
crumble, pavements and roads replaced by meadows. I suppose
that lasted a few years, its hard to tell when your a tree.

About thirty years ago, we all agreed not to worry ourselves
about how it happened but to be positive about it. We often
laugh about doing things like housework, driving cars and
running from our true selves. No time to smell the flowers
back then.

Life is much more relaxed now. The birds bring us news
everyday, and with Spring we have the joy of feeling our leaves
return and the new babies around us.

We soon found our seeds, nuts and acorns were furtile, so we
now begin to see the raising of a forest. I watch small insects going about their business for hours, hear and understand the Magpies chirp and see the sunset everynight. What more could I want, life is good!

------------------------


The picture was of a tree house.
 
When suddenly, everyone was hit by this beam of bright light
coming from the depths of the sky. It made me fizz all over,
then pulsate, I could feel things beginning to change.
Would you really make a pause after "suddenly" if you were telling this story aloud? I don't think you need that first comma. The second sentence has everything needed for two complete sentences, so the comma after "pulsate" should be a semicolon or a full stop.

My feet started to change, gone were the shoes replaced by
wooden roots that reached down through the pavement into the
deep ground below. It was travelling up my body like a quick
shock wave. Then my body was gone into a trunk, my arms turned into branches. I screamed as my lungs gave their final breath.
Semicoln after "change", comma after "shoes", and what is the "It" that was travelling up your body? Yes, 'it' was the change, but you don't specify this.

The "gone into" is not very elegant, although I do appreciate your not wanting to repeat "turned". Possibly something based on 'become'?

Just before my eyes were covered in a vail of bark I glanced
around to see everyone else being turned into trees as well.
In the distance people were running from the beam but there was
no escape for them. The last thing to go was my hair, it took a while to turn into leaves and blossom.
You've moved on from your transformation to that of the rest of the population, and then you pop back for a short visit. It would be neater to organise it so each section was complete.

I suppose that lasted a few years, its hard to tell when your a tree.
"It's" instead of "its", semicolon, "you're" instead of "your"

Life is much more relaxed now. The birds bring us news
everyday, and with Spring we have the joy of feeling our leaves
return and the new babies around us.
"Every day", rather than one word, why capitalise "Spring", and the "leaves return" is a verb, while 'saplings around you' is a noun -- is that clear? Probably not. Anyway, it's not a good idea to mix them as different things you are feeling.

We soon found our seeds, nuts and acorns were furtile, so we
now begin to see the raising of a forest. I watch small insects going about their business for hours, hear and understand the Magpies chirp and see the sunset everynight.
Fertile, I'm not sure that "raising" of a forest is the best word (they can't do much to help, and I doubt whether anyone else is doing much to educate the saplings.

And I have never heard a magpie chirp. They specialise in a raucous 'caw'.

And don't you go using my comments as an excuse to slow down on your writing, do you hear?
 
This would make a pretty nifty cool game in the Writers Workshop area if you'd like Purdy!
 
Chris - I put Spring as a capital, cause I thought seasons were a noun like the month so had one!

Thanks for the critique. I need to copy it and study what youv said. Semi colons need to go down on my list (aren't they for long sentences used like lists, and to introduce a follow on subject in a sentence?)

Dustinzgirl - I dont mind!
 
We soon found our seeds, nuts and acorns were furtile, so we
now begin to see the raising of a forest. I watch small insects going about their business for hours, hear and understand the Magpies chirp and see the sunset everynight. What more could I want, life is good!
You got changed into a tree? Oh dear.

Maybe 'Then my body was gone into a trunk ..' could be 'Then my body changed into a trunk ..'
 
I can see how the seasons would be of such overwhelming interest to trees that they would capitalize their names. So "Spring" looks fine to me.

If the transformation has progressed so far that the bark is just about to cover her eyes it doesn't seem likely that she can move her neck, so that her range of vision would be very narrow as she is "glancing around" and I don't understand how she could see very man other people turning into trees.

In fact, while she is going through such a dramatic and shocking transformation, I wonder if she would be noticing what happens to other people at all, particularly the people running in the distance. It seems like the perfect moment for someone to become utterly self-absorbed.

I would also like to know what senses the trees are using to communicate with each other, how they even know that other trees are there. I'm not saying that they can't do those things, but you are missing an opportunity to explore those questions.

A "vail of bark" should be a "veil of bark." (Unless this is one of those differences in UK vs US English, but all the online dictionaries I looked at support me.)

Also, "furtile" should be "fertile." Actually, that's a rather embarrassing spelling mistake that you don't want to make again, since the word means something ... you don't want to discuss in polite company.

I like the idea of the wind tickling her hair, but I question "tickling with."
 
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