The Lion of Macedon
Parmenion
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2007
- Messages
- 31
Hello everyone, this is my first attempt at posting any works on here, as indeed I hardly ever write as of late, but I am looking for some critiques on the overall style of my writing so that I can in the future write the stories that hang in my mind in a way that will please the readers, so without any further introductions:
Tadrin of the Ustar adjusted his quiver as he continued along the old hunting trail. He had walked this trail throughout his life, first as a young child guided by his father, and later as a man, hunting for the survival of his people.
He paused at the skirts of a clearing that swelled around a large section of the path. Checking the wind he made sure it was against his face, insuring that the lone stag several yards in front of him wasn't aware of his presence. He had been stalking the huge animal for two days, learning it's personnel patterns and where it rested, always remaining unnoticed. Now is the time to finally make the kill, Tadrin decided.
Easing his bow off of his should he notched a black feathered arrow to the string, taking his sights and accounting for the breeze heading towards and to the left of him, he slowly breathed in... and as he calmly exhaled, let loose of the tightly bound string. The horn and yew staff of the bow jolted as the pressure keeping it bent was released, the arrow cleanly slicing through the air at a slightly upward angle.
The arrow reached a tipping point and was perfectly horizontal when it slammed into the right shoulder of the stag. The beast fell almost instantly, the arrow having glanced off the edge of the shoulder blade and into the heart.
Tadrin eased out of the brush and loped forward to the great beast, he could hardly keep control over his boiling excitement as he gazed on it; the stag was huge with beautiful silver fur that would make for excellent coats of blankets, and the amount of meat he would be able to derive from it would be enough to feed the entire clan for at least a week. Covering the body with brush he began a steady run back to the nearby camp of the Ustar to gather help for carrying the stag back.
The first man he informed was pleased to the point of almost embracing Tadrin; none in the clan had eaten in four long days.
“Private Terrance Sholden is to report to the CB immediately” buzzed the loud intercom of the cafeteria. Uttering a curse under his breath, Terry Sholden of the U.E.F ship Kennedy set down his full platter of food down and started the half-mile walk to the other end of the ship, where the Control Bay was located.
As he passed by the entrance to the history museum he glanced at the large plastic flier hanging over the entrance: “United Exploration Forces, bringing nations together, and bringing the galaxy to you” was written under the U.E.F lettering's, Terry's mood darkened further. More like 'bringing hell to the naive and wealth to us' he thought to himself. He thought back to the last landing the fleet had made, some 3 years before... the muzzle flash of hundreds of soldiers, the natives of an alien land falling in the thousands...
“No,” he said aloud “this is about profit, not exploration” the Corporations backing the U.E.F had been quite pleased when they found gold and adamantium deposits were quite abundant on the money cow dubbed 'Planet Hades' by the soldiers who had served there...but it wasn't the planet that was hell, no, the U.E.F had brought hell to the planet.
After conversing through several long halls and waiting in elevator he finally reached his destination. Terry opened his side pouch, digging through it until he found his U.E.F ID card, he glanced at the face embellished upon it before sliding it through the electronic lock on the Control Bay door.
Instantly a request popped up on the captain's assistant's monitor 'Terrance Sholden Private first class' flashed in large lettering on the screen, the sound of metal blocks being retracted was heard immediately after the captain signaled to let him in, and the door opened. Terry stepped through and stopped to salute the Captain.
Captain Tiranus Stone was well into his 50s with short cropped black hair streaked with gray. He looked every bit the captain, radiating authority and quiet confidence. He wore, as always, the dark blue outfit of a Starship captain, with his various medals and ranking strips pinned neatly onto the jacket. His broad chiseled face was aimed at Terry and there seemed to be an unnatural gleam in his eye as he started to speak;
“Terrance Sholden...” he started as he looked down at some various papers “why is it that you are currently ranked as you are?”
“I don't believe I understand the question.. sir” Terry answered uneasily
“It's quite a simple question actually,” the captain snapped “you scored off the charts in the aptitude tests, you have a well known IQ of over 175, and yet.. you were started as a simple grunt due to a GPA of 1.5 in the academy and after ranking up twice you started refusing all offers and recommendations for anything higher, it seems to me, Terry, that you are either running from responsibility, or simply lack any semblance of ambition..” he paused, his light blue eyes scanning Terry back and forth, seeming to be looking over his soul like just another report to be read “and though I have no idea exactly why you are what you are.. I am very pleased about it”
“I'm not sure I understand sir”
“You know, for a near genius you don't seem to understand much. But that's okay, I just have a very special opportunity for you Terry Sholden, an opportunity to go back home.. for good”
“Earth” Terry whispered before his breath caught in his throat.
“Yes Private,” the Capatain said with a smile, “Earth”
Tadrin of the Ustar adjusted his quiver as he continued along the old hunting trail. He had walked this trail throughout his life, first as a young child guided by his father, and later as a man, hunting for the survival of his people.
He paused at the skirts of a clearing that swelled around a large section of the path. Checking the wind he made sure it was against his face, insuring that the lone stag several yards in front of him wasn't aware of his presence. He had been stalking the huge animal for two days, learning it's personnel patterns and where it rested, always remaining unnoticed. Now is the time to finally make the kill, Tadrin decided.
Easing his bow off of his should he notched a black feathered arrow to the string, taking his sights and accounting for the breeze heading towards and to the left of him, he slowly breathed in... and as he calmly exhaled, let loose of the tightly bound string. The horn and yew staff of the bow jolted as the pressure keeping it bent was released, the arrow cleanly slicing through the air at a slightly upward angle.
The arrow reached a tipping point and was perfectly horizontal when it slammed into the right shoulder of the stag. The beast fell almost instantly, the arrow having glanced off the edge of the shoulder blade and into the heart.
Tadrin eased out of the brush and loped forward to the great beast, he could hardly keep control over his boiling excitement as he gazed on it; the stag was huge with beautiful silver fur that would make for excellent coats of blankets, and the amount of meat he would be able to derive from it would be enough to feed the entire clan for at least a week. Covering the body with brush he began a steady run back to the nearby camp of the Ustar to gather help for carrying the stag back.
The first man he informed was pleased to the point of almost embracing Tadrin; none in the clan had eaten in four long days.
“Private Terrance Sholden is to report to the CB immediately” buzzed the loud intercom of the cafeteria. Uttering a curse under his breath, Terry Sholden of the U.E.F ship Kennedy set down his full platter of food down and started the half-mile walk to the other end of the ship, where the Control Bay was located.
As he passed by the entrance to the history museum he glanced at the large plastic flier hanging over the entrance: “United Exploration Forces, bringing nations together, and bringing the galaxy to you” was written under the U.E.F lettering's, Terry's mood darkened further. More like 'bringing hell to the naive and wealth to us' he thought to himself. He thought back to the last landing the fleet had made, some 3 years before... the muzzle flash of hundreds of soldiers, the natives of an alien land falling in the thousands...
“No,” he said aloud “this is about profit, not exploration” the Corporations backing the U.E.F had been quite pleased when they found gold and adamantium deposits were quite abundant on the money cow dubbed 'Planet Hades' by the soldiers who had served there...but it wasn't the planet that was hell, no, the U.E.F had brought hell to the planet.
After conversing through several long halls and waiting in elevator he finally reached his destination. Terry opened his side pouch, digging through it until he found his U.E.F ID card, he glanced at the face embellished upon it before sliding it through the electronic lock on the Control Bay door.
Instantly a request popped up on the captain's assistant's monitor 'Terrance Sholden Private first class' flashed in large lettering on the screen, the sound of metal blocks being retracted was heard immediately after the captain signaled to let him in, and the door opened. Terry stepped through and stopped to salute the Captain.
Captain Tiranus Stone was well into his 50s with short cropped black hair streaked with gray. He looked every bit the captain, radiating authority and quiet confidence. He wore, as always, the dark blue outfit of a Starship captain, with his various medals and ranking strips pinned neatly onto the jacket. His broad chiseled face was aimed at Terry and there seemed to be an unnatural gleam in his eye as he started to speak;
“Terrance Sholden...” he started as he looked down at some various papers “why is it that you are currently ranked as you are?”
“I don't believe I understand the question.. sir” Terry answered uneasily
“It's quite a simple question actually,” the captain snapped “you scored off the charts in the aptitude tests, you have a well known IQ of over 175, and yet.. you were started as a simple grunt due to a GPA of 1.5 in the academy and after ranking up twice you started refusing all offers and recommendations for anything higher, it seems to me, Terry, that you are either running from responsibility, or simply lack any semblance of ambition..” he paused, his light blue eyes scanning Terry back and forth, seeming to be looking over his soul like just another report to be read “and though I have no idea exactly why you are what you are.. I am very pleased about it”
“I'm not sure I understand sir”
“You know, for a near genius you don't seem to understand much. But that's okay, I just have a very special opportunity for you Terry Sholden, an opportunity to go back home.. for good”
“Earth” Terry whispered before his breath caught in his throat.
“Yes Private,” the Capatain said with a smile, “Earth”
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) to check the forest scene wasn't part of this large vessel. I (perhaps wrongly) decided it wasn't and the first part is either a historical flashback or action on some distant planet yet to be molested by the U.E.F.
