reworked The Vessel c 1

[Caibaxx]

Myla circled the camp’s perimeter a second time, silently making her way through the darkness like a wraith, flitting from tree to tree. She knew from the placement of the guards and the orderliness of the camp that finally she had the correct one.

Earlier raids into warband camps headed back to Taratha had led to naught. It had to be done. It was a necessity. She had to either recover or destroy the vessel. If she didn’t accomplish either, the dark god would return.

Damn Danyl, she cursed silently, for not wanting to wear chainmail. If he had just listened he would be here now when I need him. Not lying dead in a makeshift grave from a warband spear in his side.

Her brother, she didn’t curse. Jayne had been caught in a trap set by Derask. A trap set for her and he had paid the price. The healers had said it would be a while before he recovered the use of his leg and that he was lucky to still have his foot. Derask’s curse should have killed him. Blessed Lanna, she thought reverently, our lady in heaven thank you for showing him a bit of luck.

Now though, she was alone. Derask had betrayed her and all the protectors of the vessel. Jayne had been left behind. The other groups of clerics sent after their commander were all dead. Derask had killed everyone that King Galas had sent to stop him. Everyone but her. A small shiver of fear crawled down her spine at the implication of what Derask was now capable of.

There was a good reason that she was still alive to hunt him. She knew all his traps. All of his tricks. She wouldn’t be killed by any them or his curses. She had been trained by him for well over ten years. She was all that was left. There was no one to chase after him and the vessel.

No, scratch that, she thought. There was Jayne but he wouldn’t stand a chance trying to retrieve the vessel without her. He didn’t have enough skill. Derask would kill him, like all the others he had trained to protect the vessel. Maybe Derask’s cursed glyph had been meant for him and not her. She shook her head ruefully. It was hard to tell with the ex commander, she knew this, she knew him better than anyone.

The shivering guards were patrolling in patterns taught to her by the ex commander. Two by two sweeps, checking in with other pairs every two minutes. The cold kept them from being totally alert. If she did that... Hoping that she knew what she was doing, she cast a silence spell over herself and prayed that she had not missed any other of Derask’s wards. She had bypassed and marked several cleverly set ones.

She had not seen Derask on her first patrol but she had seen the vessel. Nallia,
her daughter, had been eating near the fire. The sight of her had pulled at Myla’s heart.

Myla watched, Derask stepped out of his tent and dropped his hand down onto Nallia’s head, ruffling her hair. Myla had a flashback to her own father, he had done that to her when she was that age too. The memory of her father was swept away as Myla saw the silver runes covering her daughter’s skin turn glistening black as her father’s hand caressed her cheek. The dark god, Ragda answering the touch of his high priest with flickers of power. Her stomach tightened, nausea rolling through her insides.

Myla watched him depart, her eyes betraying none of the emotions that coursed through her as she counted to fifty. Derask turned and walked out into the darkness, she knew what he was doing. Daily inspections helped to hold and instill discipline. Soon it would be her chance.

 

[chrispenycate]

She wouldn’t be killed by any

any of them? either them?

them or his curses. She had been trained by him for well over ten years. She was all that was left. There was no one

else

to chase after him and the vessel.

It was hard to tell with the ex commander, she knew this, she knew him better than anyone.

That's three sentences, really. I suppose you could conjunction them together.

As Myla watched? While she observed? Otherwise, it's a full stop after "watched".

Myla watched, Derask stepped out of his tent and dropped his hand down onto Nallia’s head, ruffling her hair

Derask turned and walked out into the darkness, she knew what he was doing.

Two sentences.

 

[The Pelagic Argosy]

I went back and read your earlier entry and now this one. I know Boneman praised it for a lack of description, but I'm afraid I disagree. I think this is front-loaded with too much dry explanation. You spend a lot of time explaining the predicaments of two characters who, apparently, are going to play no role in the upcoming scene. I don't think you need to mention Danyl or Jayne at all yet. If you're concerned about explaining why she's all alone, the line about Derask killing everyone but her will suffice for now.

Myla must be young, because she has a young daughter. She curses Danyl for not wearing chainmail. Is she wearing armor of any kind? Does she have any weapons? Or is her magic enough? How is she dressed against the cold? If the guards are shivering, she must be shivering too? Speaking of which, it's cold, so it must not be summer. Otherwise, I have no idea of the climate/weather. She's flitting from tree to tree, but if it's really dark and she's good at flitting, she is not necessarily in a dense forest. She could move pretty quietly over frozen ground. But if there's snow, that could be a hinderance, and she would be leaving tracks. A lot of dried leaves on the ground could be noisy.

You mention the guards. Otherwise, I have no idea what the warband camp looks like. It's a group of tents, I presume, but what sort of numbers are we talking about? Are there horses? It can't be too late at night if her daughter is still awake, so there must be others besides the guards milling around. Is it well lit? Do they display any banners or anything? How are the guards armed and armored? Basically, besides Derask, I don't have any sense of what kind of dangers Myla is facing.

Describe the wards too. Does she see them or feel them? It's possible she could even hear them.

Also, you're going to have to eventually describe this vessel, explain what it is, what it does, and its significance. But you can wait on that until she sees it.

The best paragraph is the second to last one. The hair ruffle is the best moment. This is the power of showing -- that's all I need to understand the relationship between these three characters. You can cut the line about Myla flashing back to her own father; it's not necessary. The silver runes are a nice touch too. (Although, I'm not sure how she's seeing all this in the dark, unless she's dangerously close.)

So, basically, my advice is to set the scene and get on with the vessel recovery, and don't worry too much about explaining everything. Because, for now, it's slowing down the action

 

[Brian G Turner]

I've got to admit, I thought it started strong in the first three paragraphs, but then I became quite confused by the constant changes of reference to character.

I kept having to re-read to determine who we were actually talking about now, and felt the info dump was too much too soon.

While it tries to set up the character motivation, I felt it distracted from what should have been a tense pace.

 

[TheEndIsNigh]

I don't fully remember that last version though it seems better (If you can understand that)

However a few points :-

Myla circled the camp’s perimeter a second time, silently making her way through the darkness like a wraith, flitting from tree to tree. She knew from the placement of the guards and the orderliness of the camp that finally she had the correct one.

Earlier raids into warband camps headed back to Taratha had led to naught. (this did take a bit of re-reading and I'm still a bit confused) It had to be done. It was a necessity. She had to either recover or destroy the vessel. If she didn’t accomplish either, the dark god would return.

Damn Danyl, she cursed silently, for not wanting to wear chainmail. If he had just listened he would be here now when I need him. Not lying dead in a makeshift grave from with a warband spearhead in his side.

Her brother, she didn’t curse. Jayne had been caught in a trap (is this the same trap as the one that got Danyl) set by Derask. A trap set for her although Jayne and he had paid the price. (I think there are too many people involved here to use he she etc.) The healers had said it would be a while before he recovered the use of his leg and that he was lucky to still have his foot. Derask’s curse should have killed him. Blessed Lanna, she thought reverently, our lady in heaven thank you for showing him a bit of luck.

Now though, she was alone. Derask had betrayed her and all the protectors of the vessel. Jayne had been left behind. The other groups of clerics sent after their commander were all dead. Derask had killed everyone that King Galas had sent to stop him. Everyone but her. A small shiver of fear crawled down her spine at the implication of what Derask was now (he was capable of it before, witness the dead folk) capable of.

There was a good reason that she was still alive to hunt him. She knew all his ways traps. All of his tricks. She wouldn’t be killed by any them or his curses. She had been trained by him for well over ten years. She was the last one all that was left. There was no one to chase after him and the vessel.

No, scratch that, she thought. There was Jayne but he wouldn’t stand a chance trying to retrieve the vessel without her. He didn’t have enough skill. (And he's near death with half a foot) Derask would kill him, like all the others he had trained to protect the vessel. Maybe Derask’s cursed glyph had been meant for him and not her. She shook her head ruefully. It was hard to tell with the ex commander, she knew this, and she knew him better than anyone.

The shivering guards were patrolling in patterns taught to her by the ex commander. (too many ex commanders) Two by two sweeps, checking in with other pairs every two minutes. The cold kept them from being totally alert. If she did that... ?Hoping that she knew what she was doing, she cast a silence spell over herself and prayed that she had not missed any other of Derask’s wards. She had bypassed and marked several cleverly set ones. (Why would she mark them no one else will find the marks except the guards)

She had not seen Derask on her first patrol recon - maybe (she isn't patroling, the guards are) but she had seen the vessel. Nallia, her daughter, had been eating near the fire. The sight of her had pulled at Myla’s heart.

Myla watched, Derask stepped out of his tent and dropped his hand down onto Nallia’s head, ruffling her hair. Myla had a flashback to her own father, he had done that to her when she was that age too. The memory of her father was swept away as Myla saw the silver runes covering her daughter’s skin turn glistening black as her father’s hand caressed her cheek. (Who's father, which cheek - are they joint parents) The dark god, Ragda answering the touch of his high priest with flickers of power. (<confusing) Her stomach tightened, nausea rolling through her insides.

Myla watched him depart, her eyes betraying none of the emotions that coursed through her as she counted to fifty. Derask turned and walked out into the darkness, she knew what he was doing. Daily inspections helped to hold and instill discipline. Soon it would be her chance.

Hope I helped

TEiN