The Lion of Macedon
Parmenion
- Joined
- Apr 20, 2007
- Messages
- 31
Well after a week or two I have decided to repost this starting I wrote, as a new edited version I made using TheEndIsNigh and Chris's advice. I had wanted to get some more input for editing before I re-posted it but the last thread has (in my impatient mind) become rather stagnant, so here I am again for another round of critiquing. Grammar and punctuation error sighting is always welcomed warmly, but I also want some critiquing on the overall feel of it and my writing style, because if I master my style and the feel to my writing than I can be more confident when writing any further.
Tadrin of the Ustar adjusted his quiver as he continued along the old hunting trail. He had walked this trail throughout his life, first as a young child guided by his father, and later as a man, hunting various game and animals for the survival of his people.
He paused at the skirts of a clearing of some three hundred yards that swelled around a large section of the path. Checking the wind he made sure it was against his face, insuring that the lone stag on the opposite side of the clearing wasn't aware of his presence. He had been stalking the huge animal for several hours now, following the tracks to this location. Now is the time to finally make the kill, Tadrin decided.
Easing his bow off his should he notched a black-feathered arrow to the string, taking his sights and accounting for the breeze heading towards and to the left of him, he slowly breathed in... and as he calmly exhaled, let loose the tightly bound string. The horn and yew staff of the bow jolted as the pressure keeping it bent was released, the arrow cleanly slicing through the air at a slightly upward angle. The arrow reached a tipping point and descending at high velocity, slamming into the right shoulder of the stag. The beast fell almost instantly, the arrow having glanced off the edge of the shoulder blade and into the heart.
Tadrin eased out of the brush and loped forward to the great beast. He could hardly keep control over his boiling excitement as he gazed on it; the stag was huge with a beautiful silver pelt that would be excellent for coats and blankets, and the meat would be enough to feed the entire clan for at least a week.
Covering the body with brush he began a steady run back to the camp of the Ustar to gather help for carrying the stag back. After two hours he reached the camp. The first man he informed was pleased to the point of almost embracing Tadrin; none in the clan had eaten in four long days.
****
“Lieutenant Terrance Sholden is to report to the CB immediately” buzzed the loud intercom of the cafeteria. Uttering a curse under his breath, Terry Sholden of the U.E.F ship Kennedy set down his full platter of food and started the half-mile walk to the other end of the ship, where the Control Bay was located.
As he passed by the entrance to the history museum he glanced at the large plastic flier hanging over the entrance: “United Exploration Forces, bringing nations together, and bringing the galaxy to you” was written under the U.E.F lettering's. Terry's mood darkened further. More like 'bringing hell to the naive and wealth to us' he thought to himself. He thought back to the last landing the fleet had made, some 3 years before... the muzzle flash of hundreds of soldiers, the natives of an alien land falling by the thousands...
“No.” he said aloud “This is about profit, not exploration” the Corporations backing the U.E.F had been quite pleased when they found gold and adamantium deposits were quite abundant on the money cow dubbed 'Planet Hades' by the soldiers who had served there...but the planet hadn't been hell, the U.E.F had brought hell to the planet. After traversing through several long halls and using various elevators he finally reached his destination. Terry opened his side pouch, digging through it until he found his U.E.F ID card. He glanced at the face embellished upon it before sliding it through the electronic lock on the Control Bay door.
Instantly a request popped up on the monitor of the captain's assistant 'Terrance Sholden, Lieutenant Enlisted' flashed in large lettering's on the screen, the sound of metal blocks being retracted was heard immediately after the captain signaled to let him in, and the door opened. Terry stepped through and stopped to salute the Captain.
Captain Tiranus Stone was well into his 50s with short cropped black hair streaked with gray. He looked every bit the captain, radiating authority and quiet confidence. He wore, as always, the dark blue outfit of a Starship captain, with his various medals and ranking strips pinned neatly onto the jacket. His broad chiseled face was aimed at Terry and there seemed to be an unnatural gleam in his eye as he started to speak;
“Terrance Sholden...” he started as he looked down at some of the various papers littering his desk
“why is it that you are currently ranked as you are?”
“I don't believe I understand the question, sir” Terry answered uneasily
“It's quite a simple question actually,” the captain snapped “you scored off the charts in the aptitude tests, you have a well known IQ of over 175, and yet.. you were started as a simple private due to a GPA of 1.5 in the academy and after ranking up twice you started refusing all offers and recommendations for anything higher. It seems to me, Terry, that you are either running from responsibility, or simply lack any semblance of ambition..” he paused, his light blue eyes scanning Terry back and forth, seeming to be looking over his soul like just another report to be read “and though I have no idea exactly why you are what you are.. I am very pleased about it”
“I'm not sure I understand sir”
“You know, for a near genius you don't seem to understand much. But that's okay, I just have a very special opportunity for you Terry Sholden, an opportunity to go back home.. for good”
“Earth” Terry managed to whisper before his breath caught in his throat.
“Yes Lieutenant,” the Captain said with a smile, “Earth”
Tadrin of the Ustar adjusted his quiver as he continued along the old hunting trail. He had walked this trail throughout his life, first as a young child guided by his father, and later as a man, hunting various game and animals for the survival of his people.
He paused at the skirts of a clearing of some three hundred yards that swelled around a large section of the path. Checking the wind he made sure it was against his face, insuring that the lone stag on the opposite side of the clearing wasn't aware of his presence. He had been stalking the huge animal for several hours now, following the tracks to this location. Now is the time to finally make the kill, Tadrin decided.
Easing his bow off his should he notched a black-feathered arrow to the string, taking his sights and accounting for the breeze heading towards and to the left of him, he slowly breathed in... and as he calmly exhaled, let loose the tightly bound string. The horn and yew staff of the bow jolted as the pressure keeping it bent was released, the arrow cleanly slicing through the air at a slightly upward angle. The arrow reached a tipping point and descending at high velocity, slamming into the right shoulder of the stag. The beast fell almost instantly, the arrow having glanced off the edge of the shoulder blade and into the heart.
Tadrin eased out of the brush and loped forward to the great beast. He could hardly keep control over his boiling excitement as he gazed on it; the stag was huge with a beautiful silver pelt that would be excellent for coats and blankets, and the meat would be enough to feed the entire clan for at least a week.
Covering the body with brush he began a steady run back to the camp of the Ustar to gather help for carrying the stag back. After two hours he reached the camp. The first man he informed was pleased to the point of almost embracing Tadrin; none in the clan had eaten in four long days.
****
“Lieutenant Terrance Sholden is to report to the CB immediately” buzzed the loud intercom of the cafeteria. Uttering a curse under his breath, Terry Sholden of the U.E.F ship Kennedy set down his full platter of food and started the half-mile walk to the other end of the ship, where the Control Bay was located.
As he passed by the entrance to the history museum he glanced at the large plastic flier hanging over the entrance: “United Exploration Forces, bringing nations together, and bringing the galaxy to you” was written under the U.E.F lettering's. Terry's mood darkened further. More like 'bringing hell to the naive and wealth to us' he thought to himself. He thought back to the last landing the fleet had made, some 3 years before... the muzzle flash of hundreds of soldiers, the natives of an alien land falling by the thousands...
“No.” he said aloud “This is about profit, not exploration” the Corporations backing the U.E.F had been quite pleased when they found gold and adamantium deposits were quite abundant on the money cow dubbed 'Planet Hades' by the soldiers who had served there...but the planet hadn't been hell, the U.E.F had brought hell to the planet. After traversing through several long halls and using various elevators he finally reached his destination. Terry opened his side pouch, digging through it until he found his U.E.F ID card. He glanced at the face embellished upon it before sliding it through the electronic lock on the Control Bay door.
Instantly a request popped up on the monitor of the captain's assistant 'Terrance Sholden, Lieutenant Enlisted' flashed in large lettering's on the screen, the sound of metal blocks being retracted was heard immediately after the captain signaled to let him in, and the door opened. Terry stepped through and stopped to salute the Captain.
Captain Tiranus Stone was well into his 50s with short cropped black hair streaked with gray. He looked every bit the captain, radiating authority and quiet confidence. He wore, as always, the dark blue outfit of a Starship captain, with his various medals and ranking strips pinned neatly onto the jacket. His broad chiseled face was aimed at Terry and there seemed to be an unnatural gleam in his eye as he started to speak;
“Terrance Sholden...” he started as he looked down at some of the various papers littering his desk
“why is it that you are currently ranked as you are?”
“I don't believe I understand the question, sir” Terry answered uneasily
“It's quite a simple question actually,” the captain snapped “you scored off the charts in the aptitude tests, you have a well known IQ of over 175, and yet.. you were started as a simple private due to a GPA of 1.5 in the academy and after ranking up twice you started refusing all offers and recommendations for anything higher. It seems to me, Terry, that you are either running from responsibility, or simply lack any semblance of ambition..” he paused, his light blue eyes scanning Terry back and forth, seeming to be looking over his soul like just another report to be read “and though I have no idea exactly why you are what you are.. I am very pleased about it”
“I'm not sure I understand sir”
“You know, for a near genius you don't seem to understand much. But that's okay, I just have a very special opportunity for you Terry Sholden, an opportunity to go back home.. for good”
“Earth” Terry managed to whisper before his breath caught in his throat.
“Yes Lieutenant,” the Captain said with a smile, “Earth”
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