I have just joined this site so Hi to you all

[Highlander]

I have started co-writing a story on a SCI-FI forum and had some fun with it. (between us we have written about 35,000 words so far) It is based on taking each person is a SCI-FI character and meet others from diverse films, TV etc.

There are two distinct styles evident on the split between the first character and the second one. I feel that I could have more background in the first section, elaborate on it a bit more as I feel it is a bit rushed.

On the second section, the conversations could be simplified greatly by removing "fair-haired man" and "Waitress" from many of the sentences and I think it would read better.

I would appreciate any comments on the start we have made.
___________________________________________________________

Chapter 1​

The compact G-class starship slipped out of hyperspace with barely a flicker on the surrounding ether and, using manoeuvring thrusters, started its approach to SpaceCafe 34. It was one of the larger SpaceCafe’s in the franchise but the only one in the Qua-Yunh system so it was a popular meeting point.

“Captain Willo Hrustlef of the Starship Come Hither requesting docking clearance. I am here for trade and some relaxation.”

“This is SpaceCafe 34 Tower here. Ben Corlaw speaking. Welcome back to the SpaceCafe. Good to see you again, Willo. Sorry but I have to ask you a security question.
“Can you confirm if you have been within 5 parsecs of the Bgroolha system. We have had a reports of a severe yoo-ong flu outbreak from that region and all ships from there are barred from approach.”
Willo knew that his last trading mission was just over 3 parsecs from the Bgroolha system. He had a valuable cargo of Blignite to sell. This fairly rare ore is used especially for lightweight space platforms and always in demand. He had some contacts that he knew would want the ore and he didn’t wish to move another 10 lights away to sell it.
He thought that 3 parsecs was far enough away – besides he felt fine with no flu symptoms at all.

“I confirm that I have not been that close to the Bgroolha system. You can check my data-logger if you wish,” he replied. He quickly accessing the log file and started up a highly illegal program which allowed him to “tweak” his flight-path a few parsecs further away from Bgroolha – this was supposed to be uneditable, by law. That program cost him some 20000 credits but it was well worth it.
He punched the transmit button to send a copy of the edited data log to the Tower and awaited a reply.

It was not long in coming. “You are cleared to land at dock 67B – location being sent by carrier wave.” Willo acknowledged the reply and started to move towards the designated port.

As with all SpaceCafe’s, it was ring shaped and rotated slowly to simulate gravity so all approaches had to be made to the axis of the “wheel” where all ships docked. Shortly he picked up a ping-pung noise giving the location and approach route to port 67B and soon after that, switched over to automatic and let the AutoLand kit do its stuff.
The ship landed with slight thump and Willo walked back to the exit port. He passed his companion Replicant, Jan, and told her to keep the ship safe.

Some five minutes later, Willo was at the Hilton Staria desk and had booked into room 1112 – on the 11th floor and hence nearer the hub so thankfully it had less gravity to contend with than the outer rim - though the room didn’t have as good a view on the nearby planet, Noomba.

He had a quick wash and shave and changed into a faded cream T-shirt topped off by a fashionable blue silk blouson. He put on a moderately short denim skirt and pulled on a new pair of Rigelian cowboy boots to complete the outfit. He then walked down to level 6 and entered the Big Bang Burger Bar and chose a table that was neither at the darkest recesses nor in full view, ordered a Galaxy burger and a couple of Sirian beer chasers. He listened to the piped music from Mike Mercury and the Galaxians singing their popular song from the 2140's, “Rocking ‘Round the Stars”. He nodded along with the chorus, and waited patiently to see who turned up for business.

“Rock Rock Rockiiiiiiiing.
Rockin’ off to Maaaaaars.
Rock Rock Rockiiiiiiiing.
Rockin’ to the Staaaaaars”,​

Hopefully it would be able to secure a buyer for his Blignite, or meet someone else wishing to trade or (his own personal dream), rescue a Princess in distress? That last one he mused wryly only ever happened in films!

--ooo0ooo--​

Suddenly, from the darkened end of the Big Bang Burger Bar..... a fair-skinned, white-haired human in a long black leather coat tumbled into the room. The nearly two meter tall human staggered to his feet, he leaned up against the wall, used his sleeve to wipe off blood from his lip, then he caught his second wind....and strolled to the male restroom to clean himself up. Afterwhich, he made his way into the burger bar, he removed his long coat and hung it on his high-backed chair which was two seats away from Captain Hrustlef. Just before he sat down, he looked at the captain to see if the captain had any objections to him sitting near him. The fair-skinned man felt satisfied that the captain had shown no sign of negativety toward him, then he eased himself into the chair and called over a waitress.

Fair-skinned man: "Excuse me.....miss....miss, hi. Bring me a shot of Blue Whiskey please?"

Waitress: "What size would you like sir?"

Fair-skinned man: "Just a small one please, thanks."

As soon as the waitress gave him the alcohol he slowly poured it on his wounded arm, cleaned the excess with napkins and used a medical bandage to cover the disinfected injury.

Waitress put her hands on her hips: "You know, I could have called a doctor to look at that."

Fair-skinned man: "Not necessary, the Blue Whiskey has a fantastic healing element in it.....that's what makes the whiskey blue."

Waitress looked slightly impressed: "Would you like anything else? Perhaps something to eat?"

Fair-skinned man: "Sure, I'll take a......#12. I'm in the mood for turkey and cheese. And a large green rock-n-rolla cola."

Waitress began to flirt with him: "Cola? That's a kid's drink. How about something stronger....like Blue Whiskey....and me."

Fair-skinned man paused: "ah..I'm married, but thanks for asking, I'm flattered..(looks at her name tag)..Amy."

Waitress walked away with an eyewink & a smile: "I'll get your soda pop sir."

Fair-skinned man looked at the captain: "They sure are friendly out here. (looked away & forward) She reminds me of my wife, tall, African American from Earth...I miss her so much. She could always tell me what I'm thinking. She liked to crack me up with jokes that she would make up...man she was funny."

(Looks at captain) "Oh, by the way my name is..." (looks at waitress)

Waitress interrupted pleasantly: "Here's your Rock n' Rolla Cola sir." (she watched him take a drink) "Do you have any pictures of your family?"

Fair-skinned man pulled out a coin and spun it: "Only holographic pictures of my wife....that's her playing in the snow at Granite Planet Mountain Park."

Waitress looked stunned: "Oh my word....she looks like... me!"

Fair-skinned man stopped the coin from showing images of his wife: "Yeah, I guess I unconsciously chose this place..."

Waitress looked around: "Is she here? I'm sorry if I came off to strong toward you. You see I just ended a relationship last week and..."

Fair-skinned man smiled: "Don't worry about it, you were just being friendly, no harm done."

Waitress looked relieved: "You're so nice. Is your wife with you?"

Fair-skinned man eased his smile and put away his holo-coin: "No, she's gone to a better life. She was piloting a mineral transport ship back to Earth, and her...medical android went berserk and killed her four years ago."

Waitress looked sad: "Oh GOD, I'm sorry..."

Fair-skinned man sat back in his chair: "It's ok...ah I'll have another cola please."

Waitress smiled: "Sure thing...and your turkey sandwich!"

Fair-skinned man looks at captain: "Nice lady. My name is Roy Wulfgar. Would you happen to know anyone that I could rent or lease a space ship from? I would even hire a captain. I need transportation right away."

"Can you help me?"

 

[Interference]

Quite a trick to crit a piece written by a number of authors of different skills and styles, the sort of thing I suspect is better done in a group where anyone who gets offended can go and make a cuppa.

On the whole, this kind of piece is a great deal of fun for everyone involved (we have a couple of threads here that do roughly similar things) but as the idea of story arcs, character development and stylistic cohesion are all-but impossible without a lot of advance meetings and preparations.

It seems ok so far, lightly comical and progressive, in the same way as Adventure Games were (and probably still are - I don't play 'em myself ).

Have you something of your own that you would like us to look at as well? Perhaps something you would like to bring to publication readiness? It appears from this that you both have a skill that just needs a little nurturing, one being perhaps a little more advanced on their path than the other at this stage.

Meanwhile, welcome to Chrons, I hope you have fun while you're here and look forward to reading more of your work over the coming decades

All comments made with respect for the work you have done and the effort and skill that went into it.

 

[Highlander]

Thanks for the quick reply - in later pages we have corresponded to try and dictate the general progression of the story. It is a lot of fun and the story still continues...

I do have another story which I have started (my own work this time) - it is in the early stages yet but I could put up a section soon.

 

[2ndchance]

Welcome Highlander,

I must agree with Inter' it is difficult to crit', differant voices, and styles. Perhaps best kept in your circle. Like to hear your voice. It moves okay though. I will let the gram'/punct' guys hit that aspect, sure they will.

Steve

 

[Faraway]

Hi there, some thoughts;

First of all, even if you're two different writers, you need to at least agree on a common technique for formatting dialogue. This does not hinder you from using your distinct voices. The dialogue in the second part needs to be formatted in the same clean way as you do in the first part.

On the second section, the conversations could be simplified greatly by removing "fair-haired man" and "Waitress" from many of the sentences and I think it would read better.
(The constant repetition makes it difficult to read that piece of dialogue.)
___________________________________________________________

Chapter 1​

The compact G-class starship slipped out of hyperspace with barely a flicker on the surrounding ether and, using manoeuvring thrusters, (An unnecessary detail in this instance, don't you think? It's not an action scene where you make a point of the starship using certain means of propulsion.) started its approach to SpaceCafe 34. It was one of the larger SpaceCafe’s (SpaceCafes) in the franchise but the only one in the Qua-Yunh system so it was a popular meeting point. (Sentence needs a comma after 'franchise' or 'system'.)

“Captain Willo Hrustlef of the Starship Come Hither requesting docking clearance. I am here for trade and some relaxation.”

“This is SpaceCafe 34 Tower here. Ben Corlaw speaking. Welcome back to the SpaceCafe. Good to see you again, Willo. Sorry but I have to ask you a security question.
“Can you confirm if you have been within 5 parsecs of the Bgroolha system. We have had a reports of a severe yoo-ong flu outbreak from that region and all ships from there are barred from approach.”
Willo knew that his last trading mission was just over 3 parsecs from the Bgroolha system. He had a valuable cargo of Blignite to sell. This fairly rare ore is used especially for lightweight space platforms and always in demand. He had some contacts that he knew would want the ore and he didn’t wish to move another 10 lights away to sell it.
He thought that 3 parsecs was far enough away – besides he felt fine with no flu symptoms at all.
(It's the dreaded info dump, don't you think? Could you not expose this by way of a short conversation between Willo and Jan?)

“I confirm that I have not been that close to the Bgroolha system. You can check my data-logger if you wish,” he replied. (Do we need to read 'he replied'?) He quickly accessing (accessed) the log file and started up a highly illegal program which allowed him to “tweak” his flight-path a few parsecs further away from Bgroolha – this was supposed to be uneditable, by law. (You already told us it was illegal.) That program cost him some 20000 credits but it was well worth it.
He punched the transmit button to send a copy of the edited data log to the Tower and awaited a reply.

It was not long in coming. “You are cleared to land at dock 67B – location being sent by carrier wave.” Willo acknowledged the reply and started to move towards the designated port.

As with all SpaceCafe’s, (Cafes) it was ring shaped and rotated slowly to simulate gravity so all approaches had to be made to the axis of the “wheel” where all ships docked. Shortly he picked up a ping-pung noise giving the location and approach route to port 67B and soon after that, switched over to automatic and let the AutoLand kit do its stuff.
The ship landed with slight thump and Willo walked back to the exit port. He passed his companion Replicant, Jan, and told her to keep the ship safe.
(This is a whole lot of text to show us the fact that Willo has a companion replicant. Do we really need to know this much about the station?)

Some five minutes later, Willo was at the Hilton Staria desk and had booked into room 1112 – on the 11th floor and hence nearer the hub so thankfully it had less gravity to contend with than the outer rim - though the room didn’t have as good a view on the nearby planet, Noomba.
(What's the purpose of this paragraph?)

He had a quick wash and shave and changed into a faded cream T-shirt topped off by a fashionable blue silk blouson. He put on a moderately short denim skirt and pulled on a new pair of Rigelian cowboy boots to complete the outfit. He then walked down to level 6 and entered the Big Bang Burger Bar and chose a table that was neither at the darkest recesses nor in full view, ordered a Galaxy burger and a couple of Sirian beer chasers. He listened to the piped music from Mike Mercury and the Galaxians singing their popular song from the 2140's, “Rocking ‘Round the Stars”. He nodded along with the chorus, and waited patiently to see who turned up for business.

“Rock Rock Rockiiiiiiiing.
Rockin’ off to Maaaaaars.
Rock Rock Rockiiiiiiiing.
Rockin’ to the Staaaaaars”,​

Hopefully it would be able to secure a buyer for his Blignite, or meet someone else wishing to trade or (his own personal dream), rescue a Princess in distress? That last one(,) he mused wryly(,) only ever happened in films!

--ooo0ooo--​

Suddenly, from the darkened end of the Big Bang Burger Bar..... a fair-skinned, white-haired human in a long black leather coat tumbled into the room. The nearly two meter tall human staggered to his feet, he (no need for 'he') leaned up against the wall, used his sleeve to wipe off blood from his lip, then he caught his second wind....and strolled to the male restroom to clean himself up. Afterwhich, he made his way into the burger bar, he removed his long coat and hung it on his high-backed chair which was two seats away from Captain Hrustlef. Just before he sat down, he looked at the captain to see if the captain had any objections to him sitting near him. The fair-skinned man felt satisfied that the captain had shown no sign of negativety toward him, then he eased himself into the chair and called over a waitress. (There're generally too many instances of 'he' in this paragraph. Read it out loud and you'll see.)

Fair-skinned man: "Excuse me.....miss....miss, hi. Bring me a shot of Blue Whiskey please?"

Waitress: "What size would you like sir?"

Fair-skinned man: "Just a small one please, thanks."
(As discussed above; no need to constantly re-introduce the two speakers.)
As soon as the waitress gave him the alcohol he slowly poured it on his wounded arm, cleaned the excess (He cleaned the excess? How about 'wiped off the excess'?) with napkins and used a medical bandage to cover the disinfected injury.

Waitress put her hands on her hips: "You know, I could have called a doctor to look at that."

Fair-skinned man: "Not necessary, the Blue Whiskey has a fantastic healing element in it.....that's what makes the whiskey blue."

Waitress looked slightly impressed: "Would you like anything else? Perhaps something to eat?"

Fair-skinned man: "Sure, I'll take a......#12. I'm in the mood for turkey and cheese. And a large green rock-n-rolla cola."

Waitress began to flirt with him: "Cola? That's a kid's drink. How about something stronger....like Blue Whiskey....and me."

Fair-skinned man paused: "ah..I'm married, but thanks for asking, I'm flattered..(looks at her name tag)..Amy."

Waitress walked away with an eyewink & a smile: "I'll get your soda pop sir."

Fair-skinned man looked at the captain: "They sure are friendly out here. (looked away & forward) (This doesn't work. Just write the dialogue actions the way they were written in the first part.) She reminds me of my wife, tall, African American from Earth...I miss her so much. She could always tell me what I'm thinking. She liked to crack me up with jokes that she would make up...man she was funny."

(Looks at captain) "Oh, by the way my name is..." (looks at waitress)

Waitress interrupted pleasantly: "Here's your Rock n' Rolla Cola sir." (she watched him take a drink) "Do you have any pictures of your family?"

Fair-skinned man pulled out a coin and spun it: "Only holographic pictures of my wife....that's her playing in the snow at Granite Planet Mountain Park."

Waitress looked stunned: "Oh my word....she looks like... me!"

Fair-skinned man stopped the coin from showing images of his wife: "Yeah, I guess I unconsciously chose this place..."

Waitress looked around: "Is she here? I'm sorry if I came off to strong toward you. You see I just ended a relationship last week and..."

Fair-skinned man smiled: "Don't worry about it, you were just being friendly, no harm done."

Waitress looked relieved: "You're so nice. Is your wife with you?"

Fair-skinned man eased his smile and put away his holo-coin: "No, she's gone to a better life. She was piloting a mineral transport ship back to Earth, and her...medical android went berserk and killed her four years ago."

Waitress looked sad: "Oh GOD, I'm sorry..."

Fair-skinned man sat back in his chair: "It's ok...ah I'll have another cola please."

Waitress smiled: "Sure thing...and your turkey sandwich!"

Fair-skinned man looks at captain: "Nice lady. My name is Roy Wulfgar. Would you happen to know anyone that I could rent or lease a space ship from? I would even hire a captain. I need transportation right away."

"Can you help me?"

I hope some of this can be helpful!
You spend a lot of text on building atmosphere, but I think there are some parts in there that don't really do a lot of building. (Look at each sentence and ask yourself it is necessary.) Those parts could be cut so we get to the plot in a quicker fashion. You're not really showing us anything of the plot - why is Roy Wulfgar in a hurry?

 

[Laustin]

Hi Highlander.

I'm also a noob on here, but if you don't mind me saying (and seeing as you asked for critique), your work reads a bit like a page of first-draft notes. I can see you've given a lot of thought to your backstory, but your manner is somewhat clumsy and, as others have mentioned on here, the conflicting styles of you and your co-writer make reading this quite difficult. Is it a script? Do you need stage directions? This needs some hefty trimming, IMO.

However I can see a nice thread of sly humour running through this extract. My advice? Cut out the exposition and over-complicated scene setting and concentrate instead on letting your characters do the talking. If you do it right the story will almost write itself!

Good luck with it bud.

 

[Interference]

Welcome, Laustin

 

[Laustin]

Hello Interference. Destroyer of Worlds, eh? That's not something you see very often on the Jobpoints down at the Jobcentre. Is there some kind of qualification in World Destruction? My mate Galaxor has got a HND in Intermediate World Domination but the bank wouldn't give him a loan to buy a secret volcano lair so now he works in insurance. Ho hum.

 

[Interference]

Read it again, bud Most worLds have nothing to fear from me

Insurance companies, on the other hand .....

 

[Laustin]

I like mine better. Plus, of course, my whole humorous segue now looks a bit silly as it's clearly based on my inability to read properly.

 

[Interference]

I think you came to the right place - a lot of us can't write properly, either

 

[Laustin]

"a lot of us can't write properly, either "

Bit of a drawback on a forum for writers, eh?

 

[Highlander]

Hi Laustin,

I agree with your comments. It is very much a first draft.

At the introduction, I noted that it was written basically written as a bit of fun on another SCI-FI website. It is my first effort which I asked for comments. We certainly did not expect to even be considering writing a novel.

I agree it will need a bit of work to coalesce the two different writing styles into a novel form. However, I have started working on that already, taking notes of the missing commas etc from earlier comments!

I might post the revamped version for comment if you wish

See you around the Galaxy.