I understand that you are trying to establish certain things about Jihal in advance of the other action, and that is always a good idea, but I think in this case it could be done a bit better.
For instance, her speculation about a wooden table comes across as completely inconsequential. It sounds like an attempt at setting the scene, but hardly a graceful one. Then we learn (in your response to a critique) that she is one of the Firekin. OK, so now the wooden table almost makes sense. She is alert to the presence of things that she might burn. But ... it turns out that at that particular moment she is not looking for things to burn. Quite the contrary, she is about to put out the lights. So we are back to inconsequential.
Then, when you mention her fiery heart, in context it sound like you mean something entirely different. It might make perfect sense later on -- if the reader remembers it -- but at the moment it just seems a little strange. I suggest that you phrase it in such a way that the meaning is clear. (It's the wrong place for an info
dump, but you might get away with a one sentence info
drop -- particularly if it is about something as intriguing as a literally burning heart!) If, on the other hand, you don't want to slow down the action, you might wait to introduce it later, perhaps when she draws on her inner flame to do something.
I love that she uses the spider web and preys to an eight-legged deity. I have no way of knowing if it would strike the same note with other readers, but it really works for me.
As for the pendant/chandelier, I am guessing that you are trying to avoid conjuring up the image of something gorgeous with hanging crystals? Well then, why not describe the chandelier? Is it wood? Is it iron? Is it shaped like a wheel? If it's the kind we're all familiar with from old movies, where the hero swings across the room in the middle of a sword-fight or brawl, it would require only the briefest description to give readers the right idea.
Since we are in her viewpoint from the beginning, that reference to her "rough native language" seems wrong, as it sounds like the narrator suddenly and briefly intruding on the scene. Again, I understand what you are trying to do, but why not make the same point that she speaks another language than they do by concentrating on how
theirs sounds to her?
I am with those who don't like the armor-plated footsteps. For one thing, it is highly unlikely that simple soldiers -- the kind that are assigned guard duty -- would be wearing much (or any) plate, and certainly not down to the feet with a pair of steel sabots. Plate armor is
expensive and limited to people with plenty of money.
The word chief rang a little false to me. Perhaps sergeant would be better, and quite in keeping with the (so far) quasi-medieval setting. Also, I don't think he would take a shield with him to check on a noise in the corridor. He would take a sword.
I just checked with the male members of the family, who are, even as I write this, out in the garage making armor and weapons. Coincidence? No. That's what they are doing most of the time. Don't ask. They say he would take a weapon, not a defense. Besides, you can block with a sword, so it serves as both.
This sounded awkward to me:
for some reason, he stared a bit longer at the spot where Jihal had been hiding for the last minute.
Of course there is a reason or he wouldn't be doing it. If you want to suggest that Jihal wonders
why he stares at that spot or is uneasy because he does, then I think you should just say so.
I think this is interesting and I would like to read more -- but after you have written
a lot more. Because frankly this
looks like something that someone with a fair amount of writing skill wrote for fun after they woke up and they don't really know where it is going after this. I would be interested in reading an extract written when you
do know.
Oh, and as a moderator here I think I should point out that your formatting goes wrong halfway through, when all of your paragraphs start clumping up together. This is a common problem, and turns up a lot when someone posts something with a lot of dialogue. It makes reading and making sense of what you have written a little harder, so please watch for this in the future.
Edit --
We cross-posted. I see you already took care of the chandelier.
