P for Pleistocene: Does this work for you ?

[Nik]

This excerpt is from Day 08. The hunting party have returned late, but laden...
==
"Hello, the cave !" Sue's call suddenly echoed down the chimney. "We're okay, but we need some help and the rope !"

I grabbed the rope, followed Dave up the ladders in the twilight. The laden party looked exhausted.

"Ooh, are we glad to see you..." Sue sounded bone-tired.

"We need more spears, Mister Mike." O stated, lowering his end of their heavily loaded pole.

"Your pointy sticks are good." Henry pronounced. "Saw off a wolf-pack."

"You stole their kill ?"

"They tried to steal ours..." Sue brandished a well-stuffed carrier bag. "Alpha Male lost his head."

"Ah..." I thought the problem through, tied my rope's ends to the pole's. We lowered it clear of the ladders, then climbed down by careful turn. The hunters stopped by the stream to wash their hands, face and feet before clambering into the cave.

"Here's a hot drink to start." Jenny took charge as Alys returned the stew kettle to the heat and resumed stirring.

"We need to wash and joint that deer, Mister Mike."

"Eat first." Alys tapped the kettle with her spoon. "What happened ?"

"Contours were all different..." Henry began.

"Herd of deer kept dodging around us." Sue added.

"Wasn't us they were avoiding." O stated. "We didn't notice."

"Then something spooked them and they ran straight at us."

"Henry's bolas brought one down." Sue managed a weary grin. "It really was a good throw."

"Wasn't the one I aimed at." He shrugged. "Still, it fell. O moved in, did the business."

"Then a wolf pack came out of the trees."

"About a dozen." Sue shivered. "Big. Mean."

"So we uncorked our spears and shanks, stood in a triangle over our kill."

"Alpha Male came right up and growled at us." Henry waved an arm's length.

"Sue stuck his shoulder with her spear."

Sue laughed. "Wow ! Did he jump !"

"Well, he wasn't going to back down from one small bite ! He lunged--"

"Ran onto my spear--"

"Then I got him in the shoulder with a shank." Henry thrust his empty hand.

"Like a picador." O nodded.

"Sue stabbed his neck."

"Must have hit an artery." Sue's hands fountained. "There was blood everywhere. Wolf staggered a dozen feet and fell down."

"Rest of the pack took some convincing--"

"Half of them were limping before they backed off."

"I left them the deer's offal and head, took the wolf's head as a trophy."

"Very well done, all of you." It didn't seem enough "We'll have to mount the skull some-how."

"Oh, please !"

"We'll need more spears, Mister Mike."

"Agreed..."

"Dinner is served !"

"Oh, wow !"

"I hope it tastes as good as it smells !"

"That's a hunter's dish !"

 

[Boneman]

Hi Nik,

I'm not sure I've critiqued your work before, (though I've often looked at it), but I'll weigh in with my sixpennyworth.

This might be totally out of line, as I can't remember previous postings, but is this a Childrens/YA tale? If it is, then I'm totally out of my depth, as I don't know the genre, and don't know the level of detail that are needed in this type. So it would be safe to ignore what I'm saying, as 'he doesn't know what he's talking about', and it would be correct.

It comes over as very gushy teenagers, almost the Famous Five in a more serious predicament. If it is YA, then you've obviously achieved that extremely well. And anyone following on from previous chapters will know the protagonists, so I'll avoid mentioning the confusion I'm having as to who's who, as it will be obvious to those who are following the story.

Why don't you like the word 'said'? It's not used once - here's what you've used in this piece: Sue sounded, O stated, Henry pronounced, Henry began, Sue added, O stated, O nodded. And you've masterfully avoided it by the following means where speech indications could serve to tell us whom is speaking: Sue's call echoed, Sue brandished, Jenny took charge, Alys tapped the kettle, Sue managed a weary grin, He shrugged, Sue Shivered, Henry waved an arm, Sue laughed, Henry thrust his empty hand, Sue's hands fountained, it didn't seem enough.

So, I am confused as to whom is speaking. Maybe it's not important to the story and you're trying to get over the babble of speakers that I hear, in which case, good job! But I'm intrigued why you have an aversion to your characters just 'saying' something.

But I do like the way you've used dialogue to tell the story, but there wasn't enough danger coming over - Sue just laughs about a wolf attacking, but unless these are incredibly starved animals, weak and feeble, their snarls and strength would probably be enough for them to overcome Sue in no time - "Sue stuck his shoulder with her spear" just would not happen.

If you've seen a wolf pack hunt, you'd know that they do exactly that - attack in a pack, they wouldn't hang back if the alpha male is coming forward. But you've covered that by saying "Rest of the pack took some convincing -" and "Half the pack were limping before they backed off". There just isn't a descriptive word indicating speed, anger, pain, adrenaline, blades, cutting, stabbing. And it sounds like these kids have superhuman powers to me, if it was that easy.

I didn't get any sense of tension, of danger, of fear, of excitement in the way they are relating what happened. I guess I'd ask 'what did you want this scene to do?' At the moment it comes over to me as some excited kids having a danger-free adventure in the woods, nothing more, which is a shame (from my pov!) because it could have been laden with adrenaline, fear, blood and triumph, and I'd have wanted to read more. If they'd arrived back at the cave, bloodied, crying, exhausted and one person told 'Mister Mike' what happened, to bring over the horror of them just getting away from a wolf pack with their goodies....

What do I know? I couldn't see a spelling error or syntax error or punctuation error - made it so easy to concentrate on the story, well done.

 

[The Judge]

Well, it's very different from your usual dense scientific-y speak, Nik, which makes it a lot easier on my brain! It still reads very staccato, though. No one ever says more than a dozen words, often less, before the next person speaks. That would be bad enough if they were having a proper conversation with an exchange of views. That isn't happening here - instead you've got everyone of the hunting party effectively telling the same story. This might be fine on TV when every actor wants his share of the limelight and cash, but it just doesn't work on the page, I'm afraid. Nor is it realistic. People just don't talk like this.

Why can't you have one person tell most of the story? That doesn't stop others interrupting if he gets it wrong, or they want to add more detail. What it will avoid is this talking in turns with everyone speaking.

It might also lessen the other two problems which beset you here. Firstly, everyone's voice is identical - they are all the same person just given different names by you. If you start allowing them to speak in complete sentences and for longer than normal, individuality might surface. Secondly, because it's a new speaker on every line, you need a person's name on every line to tell us who is speaking, which is disruptive, but when you don't tell us we have no idea who it is.

Allied to that, you are afraid to use the word "said" so we have things like stated (twice) and pronounced which can seem very disruptive. Then you dispense with tags altogether to give us actions. Doing this occasionally is fine, but you do it repeatedly and it just doesn't work - indeed, it is counter-productive as to my mind it makes them seem a little simple.

If we haven't seen the hunting scene for ourselves, this should be a dramatic moment, as we hear about it. Instead the drama is sucked out of it entirely by having the round-robin of voices chipping in. (NB I'm assuming we haven't seen the hunting/wolf attack episode for ourselves as the narrator is back here. If we did, then you shouldn't be repeating it.)

It doesn't help that you've forgotten how to format the dialogue tags. Remember, if it's " 'Bah,' he said [or synonym]" you must use a comma not a full stop and lower case "h" for "he". The full stop and capital appear where it is a separate action, like brandishing an imaginery spear.

I love dialogue. My writing is dialogue heavy. Nonetheless, I recognise two things. One, every sentence has to justify itself. In real life, people wander off the point and sit and spout platitudes about someone's cooking. In a novel you can't afford the space to do that and to my mind the last 4 lines are simply otiose. I'm not sure whether this is the end of a scene, but if so, it's not anywhere near as punchy as it needs to be. Two, one can't have lines and lines of talk without something happening. You show the narrator as arranging for the carcase to be brought down, but why isn't there any description about what is on it - "laden" isn't enough. What animal(s) have they got? Are the hunting party covered in blood? Is blood dripping everywhere from the animals? Does the narrator get viscera on him? We need to see the scene - and there's nothing here giving us any help.

I'll leave others with more knowledge of wolves to comment on whether it's likely three people with spears could see off a dozen hungry wolves, but why does no one feel anything? A bloody wolf-pack attacks them, and they're so laid back they're practically horizontal. There's also no concern or curiosity from those listening.

OK, I'll try and annotate your version to show you some of what I mean, and to correct a few other things I noticed:
blue= deletions
red = additions/my version
purple = comments

"Hello, the cave !" Sue's call suddenly [try to avoid using it] echoed down the chimney. "We 're okay, but we need some help and the rope !"

I grabbed the rope, and [using only a comma to join things is possible but it doesn't work in every situation] followed Dave up the ladders in the twilight. The laden [instead of telling us they're laden - show us what they're carrying] party looked exhausted. [I don't mind you telling us they're exhausted to get it over and done with, but it would be even better if you showed us]

"Ooh, are we glad to see you..." Sue sounded bone-tired. [Does this sentence do anything?]

"We need more spears, Mister Mike,." O said stated, lowering his end of their heavily loaded [show us, don't tell] pole. [only one of the men lowers the pole? has H already put his end on the ground?]

"Your pointy sticks are good,." Henry said. pronounced. "Saw off a wolf-pack."

"You stole their kill ?" I asked, as I began tying the rope to the pole.

"They tried to steal ours....[why ellipsis? Why is her voice trailing off?]" Sue sounded bone-tired but there was also triumph in her voice. Sue brandished a well-stuffed carrier bag. "Alpha Male [NB no need caps, it's not his name] lost his head." [I have real issues with this kind of smart alecky-ness. Unless this is definitely part of her character, I'd recommend you drop it.]

"Ah..." I thought the problem through, tied my rope's ends to the pole's. We lowered the haul into the cavern, keeping it clear of the ladders, then climbed down by careful turn. The hunters stopped by the stream to wash themselves their hands, face and feet before clambering into the cave.

"Here's a hot drink to start,." Jenny said, handing out cups of whatever it is. took charge as Alys returned the stew kettle to the heat and resumed stirring. [if the meal is ready inside the two minutes it takes for the following conversation, why can't she dish it up now and they can talk while eating?]

"We need to wash and joint that deer, Mister Mike."

"Eat first." Alys started dishing up the stew. tapped the kettle with her spoon.

"What happened ?" I asked. [why would Alys ask? She knows nothing of the wolf attack as it was the narrator and Dave who went out]

"We found a herd of deer," Sue said. "But they kept dodging round us. That's what we thought. We didn't realise it wasn't us they were dodging. Then they got spooked and ran straight at us. Henry brought one down with his bolus." She managed a weary grin. "A really good throw."

"Contours were all different..." Henry began.

"Herd of deer kept dodging around us." Sue added.

"Wasn't us they were avoiding." O stated. "We didn't notice."

"Then something spooked them and they ran straight at us."

"Henry's bolas brought one down." Sue managed a weary grin. "It really was a good throw."

Henry shrugged. "Wasn't the one I aimed at." He shrugged. "Still, it fell. O moved in to do , did the business." [it would take a while for 'the business' to be done - the wolves would be quicker]

"That's when a wolf pack came out of the trees,." Sue continued. She shivered. "About a dozen of them. But we kept our heads and stood in a triangle over the kill. The alpha male came right up and growled at us. God, I was terrified."

"Didn't stop you sticking his shoulder with your spear," Henry said. "He jumped back after she hit him, and I thought that was it. But then he lunged straight for Sue, and she stuck him again."

"About a dozen." Sue shivered. "Big. Mean."

"So we uncorked our spears and shanks, stood in a triangle over our kill."

"Alpha Male came right up and growled at us." Henry waved an arm's length.

"Sue stuck his shoulder with her spear."

Sue laughed. "Wow ! Did he jump !"

"Well, he wasn't going to back down from one small bite ! He lunged--"

"Ran He ran onto my spear," she said.

"Then I got him in the shoulder with a shank." Henry thrust his empty hand forward, miming the action. "Sue stabbed him in the neck, and she must've hit the artery, 'cause there was blood everywhere." His hands fountained upward, imitating the rush of blood. "The wolf staggered back about a dozen feet."

"God, was I relieved," Sue added.

"But then the others came in..."

"None of you were hurt, though?" I asked.

"No," Sue said. "It was pretty hair-raising, and we had to hit several of them before they got the message, but we're fine."

"You did incredibly well," I said, conscious how inadequate it sounded.

"Like a picador." O nodded.

"Sue stabbed his neck."

"Must have hit an artery." Sue's hands fountained. "There was blood everywhere. Wolf staggered a dozen feet and fell down."

"Rest of the pack took some convincing--"

"Half of them were limping before they backed off."

"I left them the deer's entrails and the alpha male offal and head," O said. "But we brought this back took the wolf's head as a trophy." He reached for the heavy carrier bag which Sue had been carrying. Blood leaked from it. I looked inside and laughed.

"You kept your heads, but the wolf lost his!"

"Very well done, all of you." It didn't seem enough. "We'll have to mount the skull some-how[all one word]."

"Oh, please !"

"We'll need more spears, Mister Mike."

"Agreed..."

"Dinner is served !"

"Oh, wow !"

"I hope it tastes as good as it smells !"

"That's a hunter's dish !"

I see Boneman has beaten me to the punch, so I'm repeating a lot of what he's said. Sorry about that.

 

[Mouse]

I'm gonna ask a possibly stupid question. Is there supposed to be a space before the exclamation marks?

 

[Boneman]

I'm gonna ask a possibly stupid question. Is there supposed to be a space before the exclamation marks?

Ooops! And I said

I couldn't see a spelling error or syntax error or punctuation err

No.

 

[The Judge]

Mouse, as I recall, Nik has problems with seeing some punctuation in this type face, so deliberately puts in spaces for the exclamation and question marks.

And Boneman, you should've "oops"ed already at the incorrect dialogue attribution punctuation which I pointed out...

 

[Mouse]

Ah right. Just that I've seen someone else do it on another site and wondered if I was the one doing it wrong. And as you or Boneman hadn't picked it up, I thought I'd ask.

 

[Nik]

Many thanks for your several thoughts !

Yes, Judge, I do have severe problems seeing kerned punctuation, especially '!' and '?'. Prior to any 'pretty print' in eg Arial, I use a butt-ugly, un-kerned, bold-punctuated programming font-- And still need an extra space here and there...

Today, I learned a new word: Dictionary of Difficult Words - otiose. otiose. a. idle; useless; futile. otiosity etc. As I'm ~25,000 words into 'P for Pleistocene', I must wonder if this applies to all my writing projects, given their utterly non-commercial nature...

Hmm... I do use 'said' else-where, but I thought these speech attributions were unambiguous. If no-one new is introduced, it defaults to former speaker ? No ? Okay, I'll take another look...

Now the hard part: This isn't the kids' first kill so, though city-bred, they've acquired some field-craft. And, equipped with bolas, they've proved it is much easier to stop then hunt than hunt then stop.

So, were these just very naïve wolves, having never met 'Men' before, or is something else at work ?

Armed with their very pointy sticks and Beginners' Luck, the kids have seen off a modest wolf pack, toppling the alpha male in the process. Yes, it is too good to be true. In fact, it should be impossible. A page or two on, Mike has nightmares about it. But they've done it. They can hardly believe it themselves so, in their excitement, their words and witticisms tumble across each other's.

Doesn't work yet, does it ?? D'uh...

 

[The Judge]

Nik, the lack of speech attributions, if there were only two of them talking, you might get away with. As soon as there's a third, we have to refer back to see who was talking beforehand, which gets annoying - and even then, we don't know we're right.

Even if these people have learned some field craft, even if these wolves aren't real wolves or whatever, even if these are cocky teenagers who believe they are invincible, there must have been fear at the time. If they won't admit to it, that's fine and understandable -- but then you as writer need to work harder to show it now, if we weren't at the scene with them.

If they're excited, and their words are tumbling out of their mouths in their excitement (despite their apparent tiredness), then again, this is fine. But they would not be waiting in turn for each other to speak the allotted 10 words before passing the verbal baton which is what you have now; they would all be talking all at once, and the narrator would be having to try to make out what was being said. One way to show this is to dispense with dialogue attribution altogether and make it clear they are talking over each other. eg

"... it was incredible..."
"... these wolves just appeared. Out of nowhere..."
"... you've never seen anything like it. Sue got the first one..."
"... this big, grey one..."
"... it came straight for her..."
"... it was huge. I mean, really, really huge..."

I've used ellipses to show they haven't finished but you could use long dashes instead.

If all else fails, have the narrator think to himself he can't make out the jumble of words, or have him calm them down and get one person to speak.

And I hadn't appreciated these were meant to be teenagers. I'm not an expert on yoof-speak, but I would be astounded if your average city-bred teen spoke anything like this. Teenagers do not speak in witticisms and bon mots like James Bond or a Bond villain, not unless they are throwbacks to the 1950s or products of one of the public schools (the two terms could well be synonymous). These aren't youngsters you've written, they are simply variations of the people you have speaking in your other works, and who I imagine are simply variants of yourself -- highly intelligent, slightly world-weary, laconic, middle-class and middle-aged. (With all due apologies if these are wrong as they apply to you.) If you intend these to be adolescents, get someone of that age to talk to you for a length of time if you can prise him away from his techo-gadget of choice, and if he can communicate in anything other than monosyllabic grunts. Or try watching some youth-centred TV (though be warned -- you may lose a few brain cells in the process). Above all, you have to think yourself into the life of the person you are writing.

Good luck with it anyway.

 

[Nik]

Retry: P for Pleistocene: Does this work for you ?

Mistakes are mine, improvements due to contributors.
==
The gorge rim's shadows crept to the cave entrance. I brought the solar panel inside, put it and the laptop away. The gorge rapidly darkened.

"Okay, time for stew." Alys reluctantly began spooning servings. Though hungry, we ate without much appetite. Two cups of hot water later, there was still no sign of the hunters. We sat around until sunset without news.

"Hello, the cave !" Sue's contralto echoed down the chimney and made us jump. "We're okay, but we need some help and the rope !"

I grabbed the rope, followed Dave up the ladders in the twilight. Sue held a bundle. Henry and O had a deer-laden pole. All three looked exhausted.

"Ooh, are we glad to see you..." Sue sounded scared but exultant.

"It was incredible--" Henry began.

"Those wolves just appeared." Sue waved. "Out of nowhere--"

"You've never seen anything like it. Sue got the first one--"

"Big and grey--" She shuddered. "Like a German Shepherd on steroids !"

"The alpha male." O said. "Went straight for her--"

"It was huge. I mean, really, really huge..."

"You're unhurt ?" It didn't seem possible.

"Not a scratch, Mister Mike." She shook her head. "Lucky, or what ?"

"Your nail-pointed sticks are good, Mister Mike." O stated, lowering his end of their heavily laden pole. "But we'll need more of them."

Henry grounded the other end. "They sure cut up that wolf-pack !"

"You stole their kill ?"

"They tried to steal ours !" Sue giggled, brandished her well-stuffed carrier bag. "Alpha male lost his head !"

"Ah..." I thought the problem through, tied my rope's ends to the pole's. With all five of us on the bight, we lowered the deer clear of the ladders, then climbed down by careful turn. Dave and I carried the carcasse to the stream, splashed it with water to remove some blood and dirt then left it on the bank. The hunters washed their hands, face and feet before clambering into the cave.

"Here's a hot drink to start." Jenny took charge as Alys returned the stew kettle to the heat and resumed stirring.

"We need to wash and joint that deer, Mister Mike."

"Eat first, O." Alys tapped the kettle with her spoon. "What happened ?"

"Contours were all different--" Henry began.

"Herd of deer kept dodging around us." Sue motioned.

"Wasn't us they were avoiding." O stated. "We didn't notice--"

"Then something spooked them--" Sue said.

"They ran straight at us--" Henry twirled an invisible bolas.

"Henry brought one down." Sue managed a weary grin. "It really was a good throw."

"Wasn't the one I aimed at." Henry shrugged. "Still, it fell--"

"I did the business." O returned my bush-whacker blade.

"Then a wolf pack came out of the trees !" Henry whispered. "Like grey ghosts--"

"About a dozen." Sue shivered. "Big. Mean."

"So we uncorked our spears and shanks." O gestured. "Stood in a triangle over our kill."

"Alpha Male came right up and growled at us." Henry waved an arm's length.

"He didn't seem to know people !" O puzzled. "Or spears !"

"Sue stuck his shoulder with her's--"

Sue laughed. "Wow ! Did he jump !"

"Well, he wasn't going to back down from one small bite ! He lunged--"

"Ran onto my spear--" Sue hissed.

"Then I got him in the shoulder with a shank." Henry thrust his empty hand.

"Like a picador." O nodded. "Wolf turned--"

"Sue stabbed his neck--"

"Must have hit an artery." Sue's hands fountained. "Blood everywhere--"

"Staggered a dozen feet, fell down--"

"Rest of the pack took some convincing--" O reported.

"They tried to rush us--"

"Ran onto our spears--"

"Henry got a couple with his shank--"

"Half were limping before they backed off." Henry added. "Then they stayed on the tree-line."

"I left them the deer's offal and head." O shrugged. "Took the wolf's head as a trophy."

"Very well done, all of you." It still didn't seem possible that they'd got off without a scratch. "Were they sick or starving ?"

"They were big and fit, Mister Mike." O seemed to share my concern. "They must not know people."

"Well, they do now !" I thought of a way to celebrate the kill. "We'll have to mount the skull some-how."

"Oh, please !" Sue pleaded.

"We need more spears, Mister Mike."

"Agreed, O..."

"Dinner is served !"

"Oh, wow !"

"I hope it tastes as good as it smells !"

"That's a hunter's dish !"

 

[The Judge]

I like your opening much better. I think those first two paragraphs giving us a sense of the unease of those left behind is a good idea. Also it's a very good move to have the teenagers gabbling before they get into the cave, it makes their excitement much more obvious and realistic. I think that whole beginning now works much better than before -- though a touch extra description wouldn't go amiss.

A couple of comments on it, though:
The gorge rim's shadows crept to the cave entrance. I brought the solar panel inside, put it and the laptop away. The gorge rapidly darkened. - if you read the first sentence out loud it trips up with the two single-syllable words and the " 's sh" sound. To me it reads easier if it's just "The shadows..." which also avoids having to repeat "gorge" inside 25 words which is otherwise awkward. And I know it's your writing style, but please do think twice about not using "and" between two actions ie "brought...inside, put...". It can work, but you use it indiscriminately which robs it of its power.

"Not a scratch, Mister Mike." She shook her head. - this could well be me misunderstanding, but I thought "Mister Mike" was something O said, not the others - and which made me think he was older and/or much simpler (ie dim) than the others. If that isn't the case, and it's something Sue and Henry also use, fair enough. But I should ration its use if I were you. To have it crop up as a repetition in the very next line would be bad enough, but it sounds simple-minded and does the text no favours.

When I suggested the ellipses or long dash to indicate an unfinished line, by the way, to me it needs the next line from that speaker to begin with the same, as I did it in my example. That shows a continuation of idea and voice which is missing as you've transcribed it.

Watch spellings - "carcase" or "carcass", not a hybrid of the two. And the reason I used "washed themselves" in my version is because you have "washed their... face..." - so if you're keeping it, make sure they have more than one between them.

As for the rest of the scene in the cave, well, I hold by the comments I made before, since very little seems to have changed. And in fact, there's even less excuse for this relay-race conversation in this version, as the excitement has died down now they've exhausted the first flood of it outside. To my mind they'd be calmer about the whole thing, and whoever is the dominant one in the group would speak most, with the others butting in a little.

One thing that's worse in this version is that although you are better at giving us the name of the speaker of each line of dialogue, you aren't making enough effort to vary how the information is given. Short sentence + name + verb-ed + unfinished sentence isn't just boring, it moves into parody. Try reading the whole thing out loud and I think you'll see the problem.

And punctuation. You forgot the comma before speech attribution rule eg "Wasn't us they were avoiding." O stated. - comma, not full stop as it runs on without a pause. Also, "with hers" not "her's" - no apostrophe.

 

[Nik]

My bad...

 

[Nik]

Retry: P for Pleistocene: Does this work for you ?

This is a shorter excerpt, concentrating on my difficulties with dialogue in the cave.

After a feverish google through a dozen tutorials about ellipsis, hyphens, m- and n-dashes, my best course seemed to involve culling those baffling whatsits.

ps: Back at the start, when the camp-out crew met their bus...

"You're not Pete." The slight girl had eyes like grey gimlets, deep doubt in her voice.

"I'm Mike Jones. 'Mister Mike' if you want formal. Pete's gone sick.

==
"Eat first, O." Alys tapped the kettle with her spoon. "What happened ?"

"Contours were all different--" Henry began.

"Slow down ! You're home now !"

"Uh-huh, Mister Mike." Henry stopped for a breath. "Sue, tell them about those deer."

"Herd kept dodging around us !" She motioned.

"Wasn't us they were avoiding, but we didn't notice..."

"Then something spooked them."

"They ran straight at us..." Henry twirled an invisible bolas.

"It was a good throw."

"Wasn't the one I aimed at, Sue !" Henry managed a weary grin. "Still, it fell."

"I did the business." O returned my bush-whacker blade with a nod.

"Then a wolf pack came out of the trees !" Henry whispered. "Like grey ghosts..."

"About a dozen." Sue shivered. "Big. Mean."

"We uncorked our spears and shanks." O's long hands remembered his assegai. "Stood in a triangle over our kill."

"Alpha male came right up, growled at us." Henry waved an arm's length.

"He didn't seem to know people !" Sue puzzled. "Or spears !"

"Sue stuck his shoulder with hers--"

Sue laughed. "Wow ! Did he jump !"

"Well, he wasn't going to back down from one small bite ! He lunged--"

"Ran onto my spear--" Sue hissed.

"Then I got him in the shoulder with a shank." Henry thrust his empty hand.

"Like a picador." O nodded. "Wolf spun--"

"Sue stabbed his neck."

"Must have hit an artery." Sue's hands fountained. "Blood everywhere--"

"Staggered away yelping, fell down--"

"Rest of the pack took some convincing." O reported.

"They tried to rush us--"

"Ran onto our spears--"

"Henry got a couple with his shank--"

"Half were limping before they backed off." Henry grinned. "Then they stayed on the tree-line."

"We left them the deer's offal and head." O shrugged. "Took the wolf's head as a trophy."

"Very well done, all of you." It still didn't seem possible that our three had got off without a scratch. I had to ask, "Were they sick or starving ?"

"Big and fit, Mister Mike." O seemed to share my concern. "They must not know people."

 

[Boneman]

It's certainly getting there! I think it's the shift in the emotions of these kids that now needs sorting out, and I think the scene could be shortened without taking away any of the tension. I'm not sure why Sue laughs in one line and then hisses in the next. All of this bit is a natural 'telling' - the best way to do it - the characters themselves telling, rather than a narrator doing it. Perhaps if you considered removing altogether the opinions of the kids and stick with the incident? In other words all those in Red would come out

"Sue stuck his shoulder with hers--"

Sue laughed. "Wow ! Did he jump !"

"Well, he wasn't going to back down from one small bite ! He lunged--"

"--Ran onto my spear," Sue hissed.

"Then I got him in the shoulder with a shank." Henry thrust his empty hand.

"Like a picador." O nodded. "Wolf spun--"

"-- Sue stabbed his neck."

"Must have hit an artery." Sue's hands fountained. "Blood everywhere--"

"--Staggered away yelping, fell down--"

"--Rest of the pack took some convincing." O SAID.

"--They tried to rush us--"

"--Ran onto our spears--"

"--Henry got a couple with his shank--"

The rush of voices died away.

"Half were limping before they backed off." Henry grinned. "Then they stayed on the tree-line."

"We left them the deer's offal and head." O shrugged. "Took the wolf's head as a trophy."

"Very well done, all of you." It still didn't seem possible that our three had got off without a scratch. I had to ask, "Were they sick or starving ?"

"Big and fit, Mister Mike." O seemed to share my concern. "They must not know people."

And that last line bothers me... not sure why, but it reminds me of a Steve Martin film where Queen Latifah turns up, he's surprised, and she says "You must not have looked at that photo very well." And the emphasis in your line could be read by some as "They must not know people." ie almost saying 'it's imperative they don't know people...'

I think it might sit better if he says "They didn't seem to know people, didn't show any fear of us" summat like that...?

But, as I said, it's getting there!!

 

[Boneman]

ooh, only just noticed... 3 more replies and you join the hallowed 1,000 post club!!