Another night in Astelor (infodumping problem)

[Chel]

First a bit of history to put the conundrum into perspective:

A while ago (a year or so) a friend ran a complicated, multilayered roleplaying campaign for me and my husband. I wanted to write it down, but the gamemaster is lazy in providing his detailed notes, so while waiting I decided to write a story in the same world, where the original story is told by someone loosely involved, a bystander.

I created my main characters and got to it, fleshing out the idea with a proper plot for the main characters, in line with the original RP-campaign. I wrote about 8000 words before even getting to a point where I was able to present the original story and the whole base idea behind my MCs even existing.

This is where I've arrived at currently. My MCs have come to life in their own story, and now one of them is telling the other what happened in the RP-campaign.

As you can understand I want to make this good. Not only should this scene give very subtle hints at the main plot of the current story, but also portray something the bystander (Valmarian) experienced some ten years ago. Is it considered info dumping to tell someone else's story in this context? If so, how much can I get away with without the reader falling asleep and wondering how long this history lesson will last? How can I spice it up (and wake the drowsy reader up?)

This is a first draft only, written today, so there's still some clumsiness language- and grammarwise.



She stopped where the path met the sand of the beach and pointed towards the fortress isles with the brooch held tightly in her hand. Her other hand still held his, and he knew he wouldn't be the one to let go.

He realised she had said something.
“My apologies, my Lady... I was quite distracted by the beautiful view,” he said, looking straight at her, taking in her tousled locks and sparkling eyes, the colour on her cheeks after the run, which deepened at his words.

“It wasn't important, your Grace”, she said after clearing her throat.

“'Your Grace'... I don't recognise myself as a 'your Grace' yet. Don't you think you could call me Valmarian instead? That's what my friends do, and even if we may not end up getting married, I hope we can become friends.”

She nodded. “Will you call me Sorellia then, if I call you Valmarian?” He nodded.

“You know,” he said, looking out towards the fortress isles, “the view really is beautiful. Inspiring, even. I should write a song about it. I'm sure my Queen would be delighted..:” He stopped. Sorellia squeezed his hand, then, to his regret, let it go.

“Tell me about Queen Amilia – I've heard so many stories, but never from someone who knows her personally,” she said.

“Ah, where to start...” he replied, pondering. “She was sent to court early with her personal servants and started serving Queen Crysothemis, first as a handmaid and as she grew up, as a lady-in-waiting. I didn't know her back then, of course, and even after I started training for the King's Guard I didn't have much to do with her. I saw her, of course, we all did – she grew more beautiful every day, and even then she had this gaze, this look in her eyes that saw right trough you. But the only one of us who had the courage and even the lineage to pursue her was Auric.”
Valmarian had been fixating his gaze on one of the fortress isles, but now he looked back at Sorellia.

“Auric became the Captain of the Guard at 20. One of the first things he did was to arrange his own shifts and guard posts so he'd get a chance to see her. The rest of us guards thought it was silly – his family didn't have any money or lands, only the titles, so we were certain she'd be married off to someone with more power.” He smiled. “We were wrong, of course. You've maybe heard of Count Lucas Greyfort?”

“Only in passing, I'm afraid,” she replied. “Shall we walk?” She took his arm without waiting for a reply, and they started walking slowly back along the path.

“Please, continue,” she said. “Who is this Count Greyfort?”

“He is somewhat of a mystery to most people. He is Amilia's oldest friend, one of the very few people who seem completely resistant against her charms. He's more like a brother to her than anything else. Anyway, he made a very clever business move, practically forcing my uncle to give him a tax exemption for five years.”

“This was when your uncle was Chancellor of the Exchequer?” Sorellia asked.

“Yes, and he was a close friend of Amilia's as well. And the small fortune Lucas Greyfort made because of that tax exemption, he used to finance Auric's family.”

Valmarian remembered the evening when Auric had burst into the guards' room, hair on end and short of breath. He'd opened a bottle of the good stuff and poured rounds for everyone in there, not even being able to talk before the second drink. And then he'd blurted it all out at once, so none of the guards understood anything else than that it had something to do with Auric having had lunch with Amilia and Lucas Greyfort.

“And that was it? Auric's family got rich again and he married Amilia?” Sorellia interrupted his musings.

“Hardly,” Valmarian smiled. “That was only the beginning. “But the rest will have to wait.” He pointed towards the back porch where Maellen and Tidric were waiting. “It seems we are expected.”

“Valmarian... before we go inside...” She tightened her grip on his arm, sending shivers up his spine. “Thank you, both for the brooch and for telling me about queen Amilia.”

 

[Precise Calibre]

I don't really feel it's too bad of an info-dump. This excerpt further strengens my theory as to the characters' romanitc inclinations.

Auric became the Captain of the Guard at 20

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I don't think numerics are denoted in their number format within dialogue, even if above a certain amount.

 

[Chel]

Mmh... romance is nice. This one won't be without its twists though, so I'm trying to build it up slowly and carefully so it will feel more like added spice than even an actual sideplot. Of course, some spices make or break the dish, and this romance should be one that makes it.

I'm unsure of the 20 as well, although thinking about it, "twenty" would look prettier in the text.

 

[Droflet]

Yes I agree with PC. This works fine and is quite engaging. Well done. T.

 

[Blackrook]

I liked it a lot, except for this paragraph, which didn't seem to fit in with the rest:

Valmarian remembered the evening when Auric had burst into the guards' room, hair on end and short of breath. He'd opened a bottle of the good stuff and poured rounds for everyone in there, not even being able to talk before the second drink. And then he'd blurted it all out at once, so none of the guards understood anything else than that it had something to do with Auric having had lunch with Amilia and Lucas Greyfort.

What I really like is you've captured a bit of the formalism and respect that has been lost in this modern age.

On that note, I suggest you wait until much later in the story for these characters to address each other by their first names. That's a very big step.

 

[Chel]

Thanks, Telford.

Blackrook, interesting thoughts. When I started writing this I envisioned a short story - I was going to tell the story of Amilia and Auric through Valmarian and Sorellia, needing the new characters and setting only as the framework for it. But the more I thought about it, the more a new plot started invading my mind, and then another, and another... and now I feel there's at least twice the amount of this story left to write for the first draft.

Point is, I saw this project as a short story with a sense of urgency to the pacing. This doesn't come across in the few excerpts I've posted, the first being the introduction of the main characters and the second being this thread. This second part takes place about 5 days after the first, so yes, you're probably right in that Sorellia and Valmarian should still be very formal towards eachother - but they're already "plotting", and admittedly I'm still stuck in the pacing of a short story. I'll certainly consider keeping the "my lord/my lady"-stuff up longer though... actually, I think I will, as it adds more contrast between Valmarian's relationship to Sorellia and his friendship with Queen Amilia and King Auric, especially in this scene.

As for your quote, I'm not too happy with that part myself. Admittedly, it's sort of a cop-out because I was getting bored with the conversation myself. How's this?


“Yes, and he was a close friend of Amilia's as well. And the small fortune Lucas Greyfort made because of that tax exemption, he used to finance Auric's family.”

Valmarian grinned. “I remember that evening when Auric burst into the guards' room, hair on end and short of breath. He opened a bottle of the good stuff and poured rounds for everyone in there, he wasn't even able to talk before the second drink. And then he blurted it all out at once, so none of us understood anything else than that it had something to do with him having had lunch with Amilia and Lucas, and something about a business proposition.”

“And that was it? Auric's family got rich again and he married Amilia?” Sorellia interrupted his musings.

 

[Chel]

On that note, I suggest you wait until much later in the story for these characters to address each other by their first names. That's a very big step.

I've thought this over and I'm going to heed your advice. It's going to make a much bigger impact later on the story.