P for Pleistocene: D for Dialogue ??

[Nik]

As you've noticed, I struggle with dialogue attribution. How's this tranche ??

...
I was half way back {to the cave} when I heard Sue's welcome cry of, "Hello, Mister Mike !"

"Hello !" I shouted back. "All well ?"

"Yes, but we'll need a hand on the ladders !"

"Two minutes !" I passed my tools to Dave at the cave mouth then headed for the ladders. I was still wary of the way they flexed and bounced, but I climbed quickly. My first glance at the trio told me a lot. "You look exhausted. Did you push the pace ?"

"We set off late, Mister Mike," O admitted.

Sue waved at the bag suspended from the pole she shared with Henry, said, "The clay just got heavier and heavier--"

"You have clay !"

"Enough for a couple of pots..." Sue sighed. "Ooh, I could do with a hot drink..."

"Kettle's on." Dave clambered onto the plateau. "You've got clay ! How did you get on with the rest ?"

"It went well." O allowed himself a smile, turned to me. "The rock pools were as rich as you hoped, Mister Mike."

"We had boiled crab, boiled shell-fish and baked fish." Sue patted her tum. "Good stuff !"

"Excellent !" But I had to ask, "You found shelter ?"

"A rock shelter." O nodded.

"It was just what we wanted." Sue patted a pocket. "I've got photos."

"It's on the side of the headland overlooking a small bay," Henry said.

Sue continued, "It was about twenty feet wide, a dozen feet deep, almost high enough to stand near the front."

"We piled some rocks as a wind-break, built a hearth," Henry added.

"There was no sign of a fire, Mister Mike," O reported. "We must have been the first to use it."

"Could a roof fall have made a new floor level ?"

"It was clean, Mister Mike," O insisted. "We moved the loose stones."

 

[HareBrain]

Nik, I love the thread title, but no, not a D. Give yourself a big pat on the back. I wondered if you'd ever get there, and it looked for a while like you were giving up half way, but you've cracked attribution. It's technically faultless (there's tempting fate), and a lot more varied than your usual.

Just a couple of sentence-structure points:

Sue waved at the bag suspended from the pole she shared with Henry, said, "The clay just got heavier and heavier--"

I know this is a style point and I sometimes use it myself, but in this case I'd prefer either "and" in front of "said", or, even better, for you to end the sentence with "Henry" and have the dialogue as a separate sentence. I think it would read better.

"It went well." O allowed himself a smile, turned to me. "The rock pools were as rich as you hoped, Mister Mike."

Not so bothered about this one, but again, I'd prefer an "and" in front of "turned" (without or without the preceding comma).

On the dialogue itself, it's readable enough, but there are too many "Mister Mike"s for my taste (unless the kids are doing it ironically, which I would actually quite like). And I can't help feeling the whole scene could be condensed and its essential information summarised. It feels a little like filler between more dramatic scenes. But that's hard to judge without context, and might be unfair, so see what others say.

 

[The Judge]

Yes, Nik. Well done. The punctuation was spot on.

However, I share HareBrain's concerns about the other issues. And for my taste the dialogue is still too much like pass-the-parcel. It might work on the screen. It doesn't work, to my mind, on the page. Just because there are 5 people in the scene doesn't mean all 5 have to speak -- you'd be far better off giving more dialogue to one person, and having just one of the others interrupt once. Also, make that person speak for more than a dozen words before pausing and letting Mike speak. And I get the impression they are just standing around while they're talking. Try giving them things to do. While one is telling Mike about the scene, have the others start taking the clay down the ladder or whatever. Or have Sue get out the camera from her pocket and start showing him the pictures while she's talking.

The other thing which worries me is lack of characterisation. We know if O is talking only because you put in the attribution. As an experiment try writing the whole thing with just Sue talking to Mike, giving him the relevant information. Then write it again with just Henry talking to him. Then again with just O. Now look at the three versions. Are they practically identical? They shouldn't be. The three teenagers should have different voices, different verbal traits, different tics.

We're getting there, though. And to repeat, well done.

 

[Faraway]

Hey there, regarding the dialogue attribution:
I thought it was overall good! You're adding texture to the conversation. When I first read it, it felt at times like you were going out of your way to avoid "said," like when O "reported" something. (I thought maybe a simpler "said" would have felt more natural.) But on a second read, well, I think it worked.
I think your readers will allow you a few simple "said" here and there, though!