A King's Task Epilogue, touched up

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Damiynn

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Epilogue
The shiny surface of the Eversea Ocean glittered with the wakes of the departing ships. A salt-stained sailor watched the Highlord ships of Lady Linsdale and Lord Randon depart through worn, weary eyes. He stayed at his place along the wall of warehouses near the harbor’s edge watching until their masts no longer showed on the distant horizon. Pushing himself up onto his feet, he checked the horizon again and turned away from the deep blue water. He had a report to deliver and with the gold his news would bring he would be able to buy enough drink to keep him shore bound for a few more weeks.
* * *
Thick bolts of lightning flashed in jagged streaks over the heads of the sailors. Waves as high as the ships sides sloshed onto the decks as the ocean buffeted and pummeled them. The large ships rolled dangerously in the churning water. Salt water carried by the storm tore into the scrambling sailor’s faces and eyes, feeling like thousands of stinging whips tearing into them.

Suddenly the cracking of splitting wood filled the air. It was followed by the sound of sailors screams.
* * *
Naab Rorsten stared forlornly at the thick cloud cover. The squat-bodied captain of the Sea Ray knew his ship full of soldiers and sailors had been blown off course during last night’s freakish gale.

He had a direction finder that would lead him unerringly back to Toomsa, but that was not his mission. His mission, as a pirate captain, who had been commissioned by Lady Tyler Linsdale herself, was to land in Cor. Once there, he was to convince the other Captains in the city of thieves to join with them in supporting the young battlemage who would be King. He had no idea how he was going to accomplish this, but Lady Tyler had paid him in gold and that always bought his best efforts.

The slate gray sea was empty and Naab scanned it hopelessly looking for any signs of the other ships that had sailed with him.

It was his son, Naab the younger, who spotted the odd black cloud on the horizon, moving towards them.

“Da,” called out his young son in a questioning voice. “What kind of cloud is that?” He pulled at Naab the older’s sea coat and the captain turned to see what his son was jabbering about.

Studying the sky where his son was indicating he scowled, eyes trying hard to focus on the far away object. Looking at the other clouds, he saw that the roiling cloud out in the distance was moving unnaturally in the wrong direction, going against the wind, coming towards them in a perfectly straight line.

“Where’s my seeing glass!” demanded the pirate captain. His young son, sensing his mood, quickly thrust the desired object into his father’s scarred hand before earning a hard cuff.

With a practiced flick, Naab extended the glass, putting it up to his eye.
The other sailors sensing that something was wrong turned, half towards their captain, half towards the approaching black cloud.

Naab the younger saw the color drain out of his father’s face. Then he saw something he had never ever seen before in the hard man in the twelve years he had known him. His father, who never showed any emotion other than the anger of command, began quaking with fear. Feeling frightened, Naab the younger watched as the spyglass fell from his father’s fingers and broke on the wooden deck.

Turning back to the crew, the older yelled in a cracking voice, “T..Turn all sails to the wind! Race for your lives, you scum, death is coming if you don’t!”

All of the soldiers and sailors heard the fear in the captain’s voice and hurried to the ropes.

Another shadow defying the wind came from a different direction, sweeping directly over the now fast moving pirate ship. All in the Sea Ray could plainly see what it was flying above their heads and fear filled their faces and they looked about to scatter, but fear of their captain’s anger and lash kept them at their posts.

A loud crackling split the air and a flash of silver light filled the sky. Lightning bolts tore into the fleeing ship, ripping it apart. Within a few seconds nothing remained of the Sea Ray other than the few thousand wooden splinters floating on the water and the smell of burnt flesh filled the air.

The smaller black shadow, finishing its patrol, flew back to join the larger mass heading westward towards Gaderia.
 
Epilogue
The shiny (oceans aren't generally "shiny", maybe "glimmering" or maybe remove it altogether since you say it glittered after?) surface of the Eversea Ocean (I don't think you need "Ocean" here - to me "Eversea" sounds much more... epic by itself) glittered with the wakes of the departing ships. A salt-stained sailor watched the Highlord ships of Lady Linsdale and Lord Randon depart through worn, weary eyes.(it sounds like the ships are departing through his eyes rather than he is watching them through his eyes as they depart, maybe re-order it?) He stayed at his place along the wall of warehouses near the harbor’s edge(,) watching until their masts no longer showed on the distant horizon. Pushing himself up onto his feet, he checked the horizon again and turned away from the deep blue water. He had a report to deliver and with the gold his news would bring he would be able to buy enough drink to keep him shore-bound for a few more weeks.
* * *
Thick bolts of lightning flashed in jagged streaks over the heads of the sailors. Waves as high as the ships' sides sloshed onto the decks as the ocean buffeted and pummeled them. The large ships rolled dangerously in the churning water. Salt water carried by the storm tore into the scrambling sailors' faces and eyes, feeling like thousands of stinging whips tearing into them(maybe cut this down and incorporate it into the "tore into" part?).

Suddenly the cracking of splitting wood filled the air. It was followed by the sound of sailors' screams.


Will critique more lately - sudden weariness has plagued me.
 
Interesting start, leaves me curious about the rest of the story. However, you start by calling it an epilogue. By definition, an epilogue comes at the end of a story and is used to wrap up loose ends. Perhaps you mean to call this a prologue?

If this is going to be a long story, you might consider giving more detail. You can fill in details on the characters' pass as the story progresses without too much expository. The story will flow more naturally that way and will help keep the reader in the character's head and not just above them.

Naab the younger

Naab the older’s

This can get cumbersome and confusing. I understand if you're following a naming tradition in your world but if it's not vital, you might consider giving them each their own name or at least a nickname to separate them a little more definitively.

His mission, as a pirate captain, who had been commissioned by Lady Tyler Linsdale herself, was to land in Cor. Once there, he was to convince the other Captains in the city of thieves to join with them in supporting the young battlemage who would be King.

When commissioned in an official capacity, pirates are often called privateers. You might consider expanding on that. Calling him a privateer but alluding to his background as a pirate.



Feeling frightened, Naab the younger watched as the spyglass fell from his father’s fingers and broke on the wooden deck.

One of the best "tricks" writer can learn is how to show instead of tell. Describing a character's feelings may lose a reader. If you can, show the fear. You can reveal in the character's dialogue and in his actions.

Just a few suggestions. I hope they help.
 
I found myself wondering about POV. You seem to do a lot of head swapping. The descriptions are vivid, but I think they fall flat because your reader is not invested in them. I would suggest you select a character, and stick with his POV in each segment.

Personally, I would suggest you tell this portion from the POV of Naab the younger, as this type of sea action would be more frightening to the younger child then the experienced sailors.

This portion, comes across as too telly.
He had a direction finder that would lead him unerringly back to Toomsa, but that was not his mission. His mission, as a pirate captain, who had been commissioned by Lady Tyler Linsdale herself, was to land in Cor. Once there, he was to convince the other Captains in the city of thieves to join with them in supporting the young battlemage who would be King. He had no idea how he was going to accomplish this, but Lady Tyler had paid him in gold and that always bought his best efforts.
Suggestion:
He fiddled with his direction finder, a long brass tube that would lead him unerringly back to Toomsa. He shook his head, that was not his mission. He smiled wryly, how many pirate captain's could say Lady Tyler Linsdale herself has commissioned them? Scanning the horizon once again, he sighed. It would be night fall before he would be able to get back on course to Cor. At least the lost time would give him more opportunity to figure out how he was to convince the other Captains in the city of thieves to join with them in supporting the young battlemage who would be King. He had no idea how he was going to accomplish this, but Lady Tyler had paid him in gold and that always bought his best efforts.

Or something along this lines, it allows us to hear the same thing, but becomes less tell.

This is interesting and you show plot early. I wish you luck in your re-writes!

Tindal


Comes across as too telly, instead of showing us you are telling us.
 
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Yes, I see what you are trying to do here. It's a good concept. Start with the best and bravest being taken out by something unbeatable. That's a good premise but the other crits have suggested why it doesn't work. It is too wordy, too long and the POVs are all over the place. You need to tighten this up and cut it down so it will have the sort of impact you want. And watch out for the adjectives; less is more. It's a good idea and once you tidy it up I will be happy to take a look at it. Good luck.
 
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