Ronanida
Birth of a New World
This is a story I started a little while ago and will be the first of my compositions to post for critique.
I'm mainly looking for tips and critique on plot, since this is a fantasy creation and not more of a detailed outline rather than a fleshed-out story.
Feel free to give any and all tips, though, I'm looking for them!
1348 words so a bit long...
-----
Neria, a young mage, is preparing for her final test before becoming a full-fledged sorceress. She is fifteen years old and garbed in the formal green and blue robes of a student. In her small student’s quarters, she goes through an intricately decorated silver box containing her personal effects. She retrieves a locket, given to her by her mother when she was recruited for Quinneroth Caster’s Academy. She swore to leave it in that box until she became a true mage. She puts it on just as one of her seniors calls her from beyond the door. She hurriedly locks the silver box and hides it before rushing out the door to answer the summons for her final test.
Surrounded by the Caster’s Council, the head of which being the ancient Quinneroth himself, stand the ten students chosen to take the final test and move on to become true mages. Neria is among them, wringing her hands in nervous excitement. Their test is not a simple one: Summon creature of the third level or higher. The highest level of fantastical creatures is the fifth, consisting of the most intelligent of beings. Neria is sixth in line.
Despite her nervousness, she is confident, having studied ruthlessly for this day. Stepping up to the summoning circle set in the center of the testing chamber, she begins chanting the ritual words required to open the portal to the next dimension. The previous night, Neria found a passage in an old book given to her by her father, who was a mage as well. In this passage, a creature of unknown level is described as being extremely powerful. During the ritual, she calls its name, summoning it from whatever realm it calls home.
The silver locket around her neck begins to spark and sizzle, the spell’s energy consuming it rapidly. An invisible blast of energy sends everyone in the room reeling, the aftereffect causing more than one hair to stand on end. But otherwise, nothing happened. The ritual circle is empty, there is no portal, Neria’s locket is gone, and she had failed her test. Her superiors don’t bother saying anything; Neria needs no directions. Shame now marring her previously eager mood, Neria leaves to begin her studies anew.
But there is a disturbance to the south.
Far away, on the other side of Aetera, a meteor crashes into the earth. From the resulting crater rises a humanoid form. He is tall, with shoulder-length black hair and a hint of facial hair peppering his chin. Swirling marks flow over his skin, spreading all over his body. They seem to shimmer with an energetic life of their own, pulsing in rhythm to his heartbeat, and appear to be arranged around a symbol etched onto his breast. It is the same intricate design that once decorated a certain silver locket.
---
It is six years later and Neria has long since retaken her final test and passed into full employment under the Order of Magus, a group of mages, sorcerers, warlocks, and other casters that specialize in taking and fulfilling the requests of the king’s people. Still yet a minor ranking caster in the order, Neria has been assigned to assist a more experienced mage who resides in the capital of Aetera, Ortoan. This mage, a haughty old man named Ataal, sees potential in her, but refuses to actually tell her so. Tasked with endless chores and brief lessons on advanced magic, Neria questions her future.
She is a grown woman, beautiful, desirable, and capable – not to mention determined in most everything she is challenged with. And yet, she fails to see the real merit behind her efforts. She does not enjoy the prospect of spending the rest of her life working for the order, and though many mages leave the order to strive for greater goals, Neria is doubtful whether her continued studies will have any positive effect.
Her lament is described by first presenting a typical day for her. Forced to wake up at dawn by her mentor, Ataal, Neria begins the day with physical exercises. Ataal preaches that “In order to have a strong will one must first have a strong heart.” In the flooded caverns below the mage’s tower, Neria spends the first hour of each day swimming to hone her body and build her endurance. Afterwards, she practices basic elemental spells back in her sleeping chamber. Once done, Ataal usually presents a new spell or theory of magic to her.
Skilled in the summoning arts, Neria practices calling minor creatures. If there are any small tasks to do, she is allowed to send them off to do those tasks, this being a practice within itself as it takes great mental effort to keep control over a summoned creature. More often than not, Ataal takes care of most of the harder requests from the city folk and only allows Neria one every now and then when he is swamped with other requests. On this particular day, though, there is only grunt work to do.
Given three tasks, Neria leaves Ataal’s tower and sets out for the first client, a woman claiming to have an infestation of sprites in her pantry. There were, in fact, none of the troublesome spirits in the woman’s pantry, but instead a small swarm of bats that had come in to roost from the hole in the ceiling. With a quick spell, Neria frightens the stubborn bats away with a thunderclap, failing to initially do so with a broom, and repairs the hole torn in the thatching of the roof.
As she leaves the woman’s house, the service fee clinking sweetly in her belt pouch, Neria senses something ominous, as if she were being watched from somewhere close by. Unable to find the source of the tension, she moves on to the next client, though she is paranoid now and constantly glances around. She is aware of being followed, but does not know who or from where.
Neria arrives at the next house, home to a man who seems convinced that there is something in his wine cellar. As she creeps down the stairs into the cellar, Neria’s gaze meets that of a dire toad, a third-level creature that often breaks through the thin veil between its realm and that of man to feed and grow. This one had grown to a considerable size, able to rival a large dog. With needle-like spines covering its back, lined in poisonous slime, and sharp claws on its webbed feet, the creature posed a considerable threat to any house owner who would be unfortunate enough to find one of these beasts nesting in their homes. They were, however, of minimal threat to a mage of Neria’s capabilities.
As the dire toad croaks, a sickening sound, it shifts slightly. Before it can launch itself at Neria in what is obviously an attempt to lodge one of its lethally poisonous spines in her flesh, she lifts her hand and shouts a word of power. A blue rune appears on her open palm, flashing a split moment before the entire room explodes in a shower of wine. The contents of those bottles that had remained after the dire toad’s feast were now floating in the air. Shards of glass from the shattered bottles rained down on the creature, cutting it in several places and goading a bubbling croak of pain from it, but otherwise not seriously injuring it.
Neria was not done.
With the rune on her palm glowing with a light all its own, Neria commands the liquid nature of the wine to converge upon the toad, sealing it in a small dome of red vintage. She then twists the invisible string of energy connected to the liquid dome and forces it to immediately become solid. Sighing, Neria turns and climbs back out of the cellar, the poor toad now sealed in a block of frozen wine. The client argues when Neria asks for the service fee, accusing her of destroying several years’ worth of wine collecting, the value of which is extremely expensive. She remains calm throughout the discussion, smoothly referring him to the high council of the order if he had any complaints about the service provided. The man pays her shortly after that statement.
I'm mainly looking for tips and critique on plot, since this is a fantasy creation and not more of a detailed outline rather than a fleshed-out story.
Feel free to give any and all tips, though, I'm looking for them!
1348 words so a bit long...
-----
Neria, a young mage, is preparing for her final test before becoming a full-fledged sorceress. She is fifteen years old and garbed in the formal green and blue robes of a student. In her small student’s quarters, she goes through an intricately decorated silver box containing her personal effects. She retrieves a locket, given to her by her mother when she was recruited for Quinneroth Caster’s Academy. She swore to leave it in that box until she became a true mage. She puts it on just as one of her seniors calls her from beyond the door. She hurriedly locks the silver box and hides it before rushing out the door to answer the summons for her final test.
Surrounded by the Caster’s Council, the head of which being the ancient Quinneroth himself, stand the ten students chosen to take the final test and move on to become true mages. Neria is among them, wringing her hands in nervous excitement. Their test is not a simple one: Summon creature of the third level or higher. The highest level of fantastical creatures is the fifth, consisting of the most intelligent of beings. Neria is sixth in line.
Despite her nervousness, she is confident, having studied ruthlessly for this day. Stepping up to the summoning circle set in the center of the testing chamber, she begins chanting the ritual words required to open the portal to the next dimension. The previous night, Neria found a passage in an old book given to her by her father, who was a mage as well. In this passage, a creature of unknown level is described as being extremely powerful. During the ritual, she calls its name, summoning it from whatever realm it calls home.
The silver locket around her neck begins to spark and sizzle, the spell’s energy consuming it rapidly. An invisible blast of energy sends everyone in the room reeling, the aftereffect causing more than one hair to stand on end. But otherwise, nothing happened. The ritual circle is empty, there is no portal, Neria’s locket is gone, and she had failed her test. Her superiors don’t bother saying anything; Neria needs no directions. Shame now marring her previously eager mood, Neria leaves to begin her studies anew.
But there is a disturbance to the south.
Far away, on the other side of Aetera, a meteor crashes into the earth. From the resulting crater rises a humanoid form. He is tall, with shoulder-length black hair and a hint of facial hair peppering his chin. Swirling marks flow over his skin, spreading all over his body. They seem to shimmer with an energetic life of their own, pulsing in rhythm to his heartbeat, and appear to be arranged around a symbol etched onto his breast. It is the same intricate design that once decorated a certain silver locket.
---
It is six years later and Neria has long since retaken her final test and passed into full employment under the Order of Magus, a group of mages, sorcerers, warlocks, and other casters that specialize in taking and fulfilling the requests of the king’s people. Still yet a minor ranking caster in the order, Neria has been assigned to assist a more experienced mage who resides in the capital of Aetera, Ortoan. This mage, a haughty old man named Ataal, sees potential in her, but refuses to actually tell her so. Tasked with endless chores and brief lessons on advanced magic, Neria questions her future.
She is a grown woman, beautiful, desirable, and capable – not to mention determined in most everything she is challenged with. And yet, she fails to see the real merit behind her efforts. She does not enjoy the prospect of spending the rest of her life working for the order, and though many mages leave the order to strive for greater goals, Neria is doubtful whether her continued studies will have any positive effect.
Her lament is described by first presenting a typical day for her. Forced to wake up at dawn by her mentor, Ataal, Neria begins the day with physical exercises. Ataal preaches that “In order to have a strong will one must first have a strong heart.” In the flooded caverns below the mage’s tower, Neria spends the first hour of each day swimming to hone her body and build her endurance. Afterwards, she practices basic elemental spells back in her sleeping chamber. Once done, Ataal usually presents a new spell or theory of magic to her.
Skilled in the summoning arts, Neria practices calling minor creatures. If there are any small tasks to do, she is allowed to send them off to do those tasks, this being a practice within itself as it takes great mental effort to keep control over a summoned creature. More often than not, Ataal takes care of most of the harder requests from the city folk and only allows Neria one every now and then when he is swamped with other requests. On this particular day, though, there is only grunt work to do.
Given three tasks, Neria leaves Ataal’s tower and sets out for the first client, a woman claiming to have an infestation of sprites in her pantry. There were, in fact, none of the troublesome spirits in the woman’s pantry, but instead a small swarm of bats that had come in to roost from the hole in the ceiling. With a quick spell, Neria frightens the stubborn bats away with a thunderclap, failing to initially do so with a broom, and repairs the hole torn in the thatching of the roof.
As she leaves the woman’s house, the service fee clinking sweetly in her belt pouch, Neria senses something ominous, as if she were being watched from somewhere close by. Unable to find the source of the tension, she moves on to the next client, though she is paranoid now and constantly glances around. She is aware of being followed, but does not know who or from where.
Neria arrives at the next house, home to a man who seems convinced that there is something in his wine cellar. As she creeps down the stairs into the cellar, Neria’s gaze meets that of a dire toad, a third-level creature that often breaks through the thin veil between its realm and that of man to feed and grow. This one had grown to a considerable size, able to rival a large dog. With needle-like spines covering its back, lined in poisonous slime, and sharp claws on its webbed feet, the creature posed a considerable threat to any house owner who would be unfortunate enough to find one of these beasts nesting in their homes. They were, however, of minimal threat to a mage of Neria’s capabilities.
As the dire toad croaks, a sickening sound, it shifts slightly. Before it can launch itself at Neria in what is obviously an attempt to lodge one of its lethally poisonous spines in her flesh, she lifts her hand and shouts a word of power. A blue rune appears on her open palm, flashing a split moment before the entire room explodes in a shower of wine. The contents of those bottles that had remained after the dire toad’s feast were now floating in the air. Shards of glass from the shattered bottles rained down on the creature, cutting it in several places and goading a bubbling croak of pain from it, but otherwise not seriously injuring it.
Neria was not done.
With the rune on her palm glowing with a light all its own, Neria commands the liquid nature of the wine to converge upon the toad, sealing it in a small dome of red vintage. She then twists the invisible string of energy connected to the liquid dome and forces it to immediately become solid. Sighing, Neria turns and climbs back out of the cellar, the poor toad now sealed in a block of frozen wine. The client argues when Neria asks for the service fee, accusing her of destroying several years’ worth of wine collecting, the value of which is extremely expensive. She remains calm throughout the discussion, smoothly referring him to the high council of the order if he had any complaints about the service provided. The man pays her shortly after that statement.
